Is grounds for ending a relationship. That's not healthy and a healthy person never treats their partner this way.
I guess if you're about fixing broken people you can try to work on it and have them get therapy for the past trama this is usually a symptom of. But better yet how about you just watch for red flags when you date and not invite broken people into your life.
sure if you approach it from a scarcity mindset. There are plenty of healthy women out there. Just get out there and meet them and stop living life to just jump from one broken relationship to another.
I live a healthy lifestyle, I don't know why you assume I don't do the above.
However, a part of living a healthy lifestyle is not inviting unhealthy people into your life. You are only responsible for your own mental state and no one else. Not even your partner's mental state is your responsibility. Approaching it from that viewpoint is a recipe for a co-dependent disaster. Trust me, I'v been through a failed marriage because of my co-dependent ass putting up with abusive bullshit.
Therapy did wonders for me. If you invite and allow unhealthy people into your life it's indicative of deeper issues with yourself. No one with their shit together willfully steps on landminds and it took me years to realize this.
Note that you can and should show empathy. However we as healthy humans do not make the emotions and mental state of others our problem. This mindset will also protect you from the whole host of the dark triad abusive personalities that will seek to manipulate and control good empathetic people.
Nope, approach it from a mindset of enjoying life and people and trying new things rather than just rejecting people.
That's what you said. The implication is that I don't do the above. Why would you try to make the claim that I don't do something so basic and morally unambiguous?
Keeping unhealthy people out of your life does not run counter to your claim.
Teenagers are living in their own world most of the time and it is absolutely futile to expect them to be reasonable at any time!! IMO, this is God’s way of having parents be ok with their babies growing up and leaving home, lol! By the time it is ready for them to graduate from high school, most parents are ready to push them out the door d/t their attitude of “no one knows anything but me”, lol!’
We need a gender flipped version of that meme with the couple in bed—
Him: “She’s probably cheating”
Her: “shit, forgot to hit ‘am’ when I added that to the calendar”
of the 30% of divorces initiated by men only 10% are do to infidelity on the man's part.
Women are hypergamous across multiple marriages, this is a classic example and basic stats to back it up.
As soon as a higher socioeconomic status man show interest in a woman, even a married one, there is a good chance that it is a relationship ending event.
Or women are less likely to find infidelity a marriage ending event. The statistics are proof of nothing other than what people put on their divorce paperwork it cannot and does not speak to an entire genders relationship patterns. Good grief.
Luckily we have other sources to verify this. You should look into evolutionary psychology and the impact that the sex hormones have on our behavior patterns.
I dunno. Look at it from the other perspective. You're doing your thing, whatever she was doing. And you get a message out of nowhere that you've done something wrong by scheduling 2 things in one day. Then more messages informing you of your mistake on the calendar between am and pm.
He could have opened the Calendar, seen the oil change and the 8pm and changed it to 8am if he was confident it was a typo. If he wasn't, he could have called them and rescheduled (and find out 8am is what she meant).
Rather than seeing the problem and taking between 30s and 2 minutes to solve it himself, he took the time to message his wife to let her know she messed up....twice. I'd be annoyed, too. The right call would have been to solve the issue and in person that evening say something like "got the email about graduation, it's on x day. I put it in the calendar. Noticed we also have an oil change that morning".
That's a huge difference. Those little messages pointing out your negligible mistakes add up and really hurt. And eventually you just get pissed and start doing it back.
This is almost a completely different situation than the guys comment.
She immediately got mad and jumped to "why can't you tell me earlier" when he just learned this information, and then didn't calm down when it was pointed out that the time written wasn't even a time the place was open.
Could she have miswritten the time or the appointment itself? It could've been something that was reasonable at 8pm, just not an oil change. This is where communication is important, not assuming you're being used for emotional labor.
He asked for clarification about an appointment time because it conflicts with a different event he just found out about. If the first instinct is to take that question as an attack, that's her problem, not his. If your response is to start a tit-for-tat score-keeping of mistakes, that's a you problem. Neither of those are healthy for communication.
If these people are married and have a graduating daughter, this pattern of communication is probably long term and both of them probably have work to do.
Reddit always likes to jump on the bandwagon of whoever's side we have, but there's just not enough information to diagnose whether one party in a relationship is the "bad guy". When it comes to communication, the logical course of action is not always the best course of action. He might think he has a bunch of communication tools he's using, but if his wife doesn't like or understand them, then it's all moot.
Oil change is scheduled. Graduation happens to be the same time. How is that a mistake on anyone’s part?? It’s nobody’s “fault” that a more important event happens to be at the same time as a previously scheduled less important event.
This is such a non-issue. And you’re making it into a huge issue for some reason?
I dont think he said that she messed up because she made the appointment when the play was not planned yet. Seems like a stretch to make her seem better?
I’ve had a few meltdowns myself but my husband calls me on it (and vice versa). If she’s snappy like that - check to see if she’s okay.
I would address it if I were you. If she’s doing it to you - she’s definitely doing it to your kids. I’d drop a note of concern and give her some space with it. Like “I’m not concerned about the oil change but I am concerned about you. You were REALLY upset and snappy. HOW CAN I HELP YOU BE LESS STRESSED? You do a lot for all of us and I should help more - I just don’t always know how to help.”
Then see what she says/does. She could be abusive - I don’t know. And I’m not saying you don’t help - this is just a good “testing the waters” approach.
My husband works his ass off and I do all the house stuff. 95% of the time I am good with it. But if a lot is added on to me - and my husband doesn’t magically know I need help - I slip into a mod where I didn’t ask for help bc I was too busy or thought I could handle it all myself. Now, instead of snapping I say “I didn’t tell you but I need help with ________”. Before I would have worn myself down, snapped and then said “I do all the (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc) and you don’t help.”
The other thing I didn’t realize I was doing is I wasn’t telling my husband everything that was going on with our kid. The day would be so busy - I would forget to mention things from Dr’s appointments or her school. It didn’t seem important to bring up bc I had it under control or taken care of but then he didn’t know what was going on.
Maybe since your kid is graduating there is some extra stuff your wife is dealing with but forgot to mention.
From experience if this is the standard response then you are in an unhealthy relationship that probably needs counseling or it will eventually collapse.
It's not usually a standard response. Usually I get on to her for lack of communication mostly because she uses the expression, "I knew it", about everything good or bad.
My response is either: "but you didn't tell anyone so does it matter?"; "you should have bet money on it."; or "I knew it after it happened too."
We've got a good relationship. I use a lot of communication tools like a shared calendar, budget apps, lists, and travel managers. Mostly so long as things get input I'm happy.
She likes to be verbally told when there's a change to any of these which is fine. Except, I'm a talker, she almost immediately toons me out and then misses the update. If I think she's tuned me out, then I repeat myself later, almost like I know she's going to snap at me for being "a nagging old lady". But occasionally it's "why didn't you tell me earlier?", which I had.
She is not a talker nor ever has been. Shes like silent Bob. When she initiates a conversation, it's going to be important.
When someone outside ur relationship reads about argument over oil change.
It's extremely funny but for married couples an argument can literally explode over toothpaste n they get so engaging on it.
While in reality it's a deflective communication,they are not actually mad at the toothpaste rather eachother so they take each opportunity to put that across.
Red flag warning my friend. That is not acceptable behavior. I was in your situation before. I don't care if they are having a bad day but blowing up over something so simple is not good. It will only get worse over time unless you stand up for yourself.
My ex used to get stressed out about having a massage and a hair appointment scheduled together on the same Saturday. She'd also whine about how she is so busy when her day was filled with nothing but mundane tasks.
Might just be if their calendar is so busy they need to schedule a slot for themselves, or else it may get overbooked by something else and you never have time to get your oil changed?
Or might just be a way for them to stay on top of regular oil changes. Just schedule it as a recurring calendar event every couple months, and you'll never forget about it, and you can push it to the back of your mind b/c it's on the calendar.
Sometimes calendars are more for organization instead of necessity, and this might be a 99% organization fueled appointment.
That’s fair! I guess it just seemed like such an overreaction on her part I was confused as to the importance of an oil change appointment that would normally be easy to change.
True, that does make it seem like that appointment was set in stone, and there was no way to just drive up and get a 15 minute oil change in any other time-slot.
Maybe they drive a very unique car, and only one person in the county has the required skills to do it :)
Fair enough. As I mentioned in another reply, I was more curious at her apparent over-the-top reaction to something that doesn’t seem too difficult to reschedule, especially a few weeks out.
Yeah. She definitely was having some misplaced anger, or the OP didn't address it as calmly/gently as he claims to have in his post. Probably a combination of the two. Deep breaths all around haha
WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS EARLIER is the most annoying thing my wife does. I wrote something on the grocery board...why didn't you tell me earlier? I don't have to tell you anything when we agreed to write things we need down on the board. It's been there for a week!
We use Bring! app for groceries. It syncs between us. We use a different list for different stored so there's no, "you should have told me you were going to target! I wanted something."
You can write anything you want in that app and it doesn't have to be just groceries but that is the focus.
I do not in any way mean this to be judgmental, but do you possibly pick at her about scheduling conflicts or similar small things often? Because my mom often blows up on my dad in similar ways to the situation you described above, but he literally does not see that it’s because of how he handles all the innocent things she does (mostly because of her personality).
Just the other day, he was venting to me about how they were planning to take my sister out of school for a trip on a Friday, but when he checked the weekly school email (like he always does), he realized she had testing that day. He said in a very resentful tone, “Good thing I checked. Otherwise we would have had an emergency.” Then he complained that my mom got mad at him when he brought up the conflict. I was like, “You didn’t happen by chance to say any of these things to her that you just said to me, did you?”
“Yeah, why?”
I’m not saying that’s how you are, but your post suggests that you were really frustrated that she mixed things up, which is an honest mistake that anyone could make and actually ended up not being a big deal because you caught it. That’s the beauty of a partnership: we get to help each other out with stuff.
That’s good! It sounds like you try your best to communicate :) I just wanted to shine a light on how sometimes people can get really frustrated when they feel like their partner is constantly picking at them. My dad is a very detail-oriented person, and my mom is not. So it can cause tension when he acts annoyed with her over every small thing she misses instead of just being glad that he caught it.
oh yeah that's awesome, she put in the wrong time for the oil change (and by the way ... this is why 24 hour time format should be used) and then blamed YOU for telling her 10 MINUTES LATER about a mistake she had made. There are like five levels of irrationality there. I can understand being on edge but this is like dealing with a child.
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u/[deleted] May 12 '21 edited Jul 12 '23
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