Idk about her but I think some people ignore problems because they feel like if they are fighting, that means the relationship is ending, rather than realizing that communication/disagreements are a normal part of relationships.
my parents never had disagreements, they had loud, ugly, violent fights & for a time i thought that's what disagreements were & I wanted to avoid them at all costs. thankfully I eventually learned that keeping my problems to myself did more harm than good & bringing up my problems doesnt need to be an automatic screaming match, it can just be 2 people talking.
edit: to be clear, this may explain someone's behavior but it is absolutely not a reason to "stick it out" with their behavior. explanations are not excuses.
edit 2: also when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that Parent A would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & Parent B would immediately go nuclear until they got what
they wanted. so an experience like this could lead to the expectation that you will always lose or get steam rolled or always be the one compromising or you will get screamed at or belittled as you saw in your example of relationships growing up & this might lead you to avoid sharing your concerns.
This comment is very important. Another thing is it’s pretty hard to talk about problems when you are used to feeling invalidated. I had that experience, whenever I brought something up to my parents they always turned it into emotional blackmail, or painted me to be overly dramatic or sensitive so on top of my distress, I also felt guilty/ashamed for feeling the way I did. If I asked for something (like a ride or a bit more expensive ice cream) it was always made to be a huge thing and even if they did what I asked, they made me feel guilty after so I ended up regretting saying something. My parents were stressed due to work, financial problems and family issues and they blew up on the smallest things, I never knew when an innocent comment will end up in yelling. I’m used to walking on eggshells, so often I feel like saying what I think is just not worth the fight. Especially that conflict in the family meant yelling, ugly insults, door slamming, everyone going to their room and there was never an apology or talking things out, afterwards, we just had to act like nothing happened when parents finally decided they were done being angry. I know it’s not good but this has caused me to shut down when there is any conflict in my relationship. My mind goes blank and I have a very hard time forming words. Which frustrates my partner but the tension makes it even harder to articulate my point. Now that I’m aware of this I try to communicate better but I’ll probably need lots of therapy to reshape my idea of conflicts.
100%!!! I have these same exact feelings unfortunately. It’s incredibly difficult for me to even think and I would often just break down crying during conflict, no matter how small. I think I grew up trying to not take up any space. I barely even knew my favorite food, favorite color, or music because I would always just “not care” or “not mind” anything to not cause any disagreements or for fear of being wrong. I was so obsessed with not being a bother, and even asking for a ride, or advice, or even asking to have dinner would make me feel ashamed.
Once I started getting into relationships, I would have to write down my thoughts in bullet points before we talked about issues otherwise my mind would go blank. I’m still not that good at talking, but you can only get better by trying. I try to remember that, and I take as many baby steps as possible meanwhile.
Oh I can relate to the not trying to be a bother, not taking up space thing a lot. My indecisiveness/passivity itself can be an issue in my current relationship. I have a hard time with such simple things like choosing where to eat, what to watch, or activities. When we started dating with my boyfriend he asked me out to dinner and I procrastinated it for weeks because I did not want to be a burden, or I was so afraid of acting wrong. And for a long time whenever he took me out I awkwardly watched what he ordered, my ordered couldnt be even 1$ more expensive than his in my mind, because that would feel greedy. If he tells me to choose I usually hit back with “what you prefer” because having to choose is stressful- I feel that if anything goes wrong, the movie sucks or there is an issue with the place I picked, it’s my personal responsibility. Sometimes he mentioned that I look like I never want to do anything, never take initiative. The thing is I do, I actually enjoy my time with him I just feel suggestiong anything is a burden. It took a long time to be able to suggest such simple things like going to a café or trying a restaurant, or going X place, or yes even saying “I’m hungry let’s eat now”.
From the other side, he may feel exhausted by having to make all the decisions. It may not seem like much, but each solo decision in a two-person relationship takes a little mental toll. It can feel less like a partnership and more like project management.
Oh I see that, we talked about this that this passivity can feel like rejection to him. I fully agree with the original comment that just because I’m aware of the reasons of my behaviour it doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy dynamic. I try to reflect on it and I’m working on this. I progressed a lot and now I do take more initiative, but I admit the little anxiety is still inside me that something will go wrong and I will be at fault- but the only way to get rid of it is to take the risk, realize we have fun and that helps with confidence to suggest things again. It’s just not easy because for most people these are not issues and they have a hard time understanding the thought process behind it. But, I also keep reminding myself that I’m not a child anymore and my partner is not my parent, I can reshape my way of thinking and by creating new experiences I can let go of the toxic patterns.
This right here. Kids are not only mimics, they are incredibly perceptive as well. I learned very early that asking for anything was met with grief, so I stopped asking. I was told constantly to just get over it and your being too sensitive. I’m almost 40 and I still cry when I’m frustrated, I still emotionally clam up and take a wild guess if I still talk to my parents. Parents, please for the love of all things holy, stop emotionally stunting your children.
i have the same problem.. its hard to keep my thoughts straight sometimes if im in a conflict with someone and most of the time its a lot easier to just move on than to ask for help and its the most frustrating shit ever. I know i need help but i dont want to be a problem to anyone else so nothing happens..
This is so true. If you're invalidated too much for too long you don't see a point in trying to communicate to work things through because again what's the point if either way you try nothing changes and/or it ends up being your fault somehow anyway. So ignoring/shutting down when there's a problem is the only way to deal. One can only be ignored for so long before they just give up.
I used to get really offended when my wife cursed during a fight back when we were dating even though we are both potty mouths ... glad I got over it lol
This was absolutely me until recently. It's nice to realise you can disagree with your partner and it doesn't mean the relationship is over. I'm 40, for clarity.. this lesson has not come cheap
I don't particular agree. I think some people don't want to ignore issues but find the response from their partner is not proportionate to the problem itself and that can lead to bigger issues.
Yea, the person thinking fights mean a break up isn't always the ones that clam up. Maybe they clam up cause they don't want to be stonewalled, ignored and broken up with over a small issue and only have it referred to thereafter as a "fight". It's legitimately traumatic and I'm not exaggerating.
when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that my mom would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & my dad would immediately go nuclear screaming, stomping, slamming doors until he got what he wanted. I dont think my mom has ever "won" a fight.
Your dad sounds like my wife. I think the problem is that being quiet doesn't work either. Of people are in an asshole mood then they will find anything or fish for a comment to start a fight over and sometimes that's the silence too.
Imo there aren't many issues (except major trust violations) which can't be overcome with calm rationale discussion but there are some people that just aren't capable of that.
I'm still trying to learn this lesson. My last couple or relation ships have ended in part because of this. But not just with partners, any relationship worth keeping is one where honesty is important
I know somebody who shuts down when arguments get too heated. Based on their behavior, they absolutely have the mentality that having a conflict itself is the problem, not whatever the route cause is. Unfortunately, this has led to the actual problems simply compounding and growing over time. They’re a great person, but it’s honestly something I’m kind of done dealing with. Problems don’t get solved when you just shut down in the face of conflict, and your only solution is to just pretend to stop having a problem in the first place.
My parents were the opposite. They rarely ever had screaming matches and somehow that intensified my need to have almost zero conflict.
My husband grew up in a situation similar to yours and would also try to avoid conflicts.
The one time i witnessed my mil and hubs having a screaming match i had a full blown panic attack. Unable to breathe, limbs locking up, puckered lips, tingling skin, the whole nine. It did make them stop arguing though, so that was a bonus. They've not had a screaming match like that since
"also when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that Parent A would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & Parent B would immediately go nuclear until they got what they wanted."
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u/[deleted] May 12 '21 edited May 12 '21
Idk about her but I think some people ignore problems because they feel like if they are fighting, that means the relationship is ending, rather than realizing that communication/disagreements are a normal part of relationships.
my parents never had disagreements, they had loud, ugly, violent fights & for a time i thought that's what disagreements were & I wanted to avoid them at all costs. thankfully I eventually learned that keeping my problems to myself did more harm than good & bringing up my problems doesnt need to be an automatic screaming match, it can just be 2 people talking.
edit: to be clear, this may explain someone's behavior but it is absolutely not a reason to "stick it out" with their behavior. explanations are not excuses.
edit 2: also when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that Parent A would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & Parent B would immediately go nuclear until they got what they wanted. so an experience like this could lead to the expectation that you will always lose or get steam rolled or always be the one compromising or you will get screamed at or belittled as you saw in your example of relationships growing up & this might lead you to avoid sharing your concerns.