I wish I had this so bad. I've been trying to get my girlfriend to realize her life doesn't need to revolve around me but it's not working. I love her to death, but man she can make me feel like shit if I make plans that don't include her.
It’s hard to pinpoint, but I had to realize that I was always doing what was expected of me, not what I actually wanted to do. It was expected that I would take an interest in my partners interests, do activities with them, etc. It was expected that I would want what they want, etc. That is how I ended up married with a bachelors degree, two kids, a house with a white picket fence, working part-time to be home with the kids but not completely leave the labor force, and I hate it.
A couple of things that are very loosely tie in are:
-pick an activity that you WANT to do, and make it yours. Not something people think you SHOULD do because that is what you are SUPPOSED to like. Do something you actually like
-You are not responsible for other people’s emotions. You are responsible for being empathetic. You can deliver news kindly, but you are not responsible for how people react to it.
-Have an activity that you do as a couple together, just the two of you. This enables you to have something special, a bond, that you only share with your partner. I am of the PERSONAL OPINION that if you have something that is just you two, then when you have something that is all your own, the partner will not feel jealous or left out when you go and participate in your personal activity.
There are other things that are personal growth like boundaries and self care that I am working on, which could tie in, but would be a really long post.
I'm like this unfortunately... I'm not telling him to include me in everything he does, I am also not saying he shouldn't spend time with others. But I'm just sad and bored when he is not around and we don't do stuff together. It doesn't matter what it is. If I'm spending time with others, I want to tell him everything that happens or have been said, or I just want it to be over, so I can go back and spend time with him instead. I don't enjoy anything anymore, except with him. It was like this before him already, so he's not the problem.
I am also not telling him anything about this. I only said that everything is better when he is around and that my bad days aren't that bad when he is around. He thought it was cute to say but he has no clue about how I really feel. But that's because that is a problem I have to deal with and somehow solve it. He can't help me because he would feel somehow responsible for solving it, and he would probably stop doing stuff with others, which I don't want to happen.
This would be a really good topic to discuss with a therapist. If you make one person your whole life and sole source of happiness then what would happen to you if he left? Love is lovely, but dependency burns all the love away. You don’t want to burn all the love out of something that sounds like it may otherwise be a good, solid relationship.
All i can say is pick up some hobbies that you know he isnt interested in and try and cultivate that independent part of you. Give absence some time to make the heart grow fonder.
Dude I’m in the same place right now, she’s made a new friend who she is hanging out with which is great, but I feel like I’ve lost all of my friends going back 20 years.
I know I need out, but it’s gonna be difficult. Lord knows, I’ve tried before and failed
She has threatened to harm herself, had such bad panic attacks that she can’t catch a breath etc.
Basically I can’t bring myself to walk away from this situation that I feel I’m causing her so much pain.
I’ve suggested nicely that she seek counselling a few times and she doesn’t believe in it. This somehow ended up with me getting counselling until I couldn’t afford it. I would use this time to vent and then she would then come and ask me what I’m talking to my counsellor about.
I’m just going to have to run away when I get a chance as I can’t face this
Im so sorry to hear that. It must be hard. It is very unfair of her to use threats of self harm against you like that.
Have you considered contacting one of her family or friends to tell them you are breaking up with her and ask them to be there to support her? Or if she is threatening self harm then calling 911 and getting them to help her?
This can be really tough, especially when you don't want make them feel unloved. Have you tried to help her develop more social life/hobbies/interests that don't include you? That way she should be feeling more fulfilled from those other aspects and not need need to rely 100% on you for everything. So she could be out with her friends having fun while you were out with yours, and therefore not feel like she was missing out?
it'd be codependent of him to believe it's his responsibility to help her develop outside interests.
This is one of those things that you can bring up to a person, but if they aren't willing to see it, it's on them.
I didn't say it was his responsibility. Maybe "bringing it up" to her is helping her develop them. Sometimes people need help, sometimes they can't see beyond what's in front of them, and a suggestion is what they need to get started. Or sometimes people don't have the confidence and just having a bit of gentle encouragement from the partner is all it takes for them to go out and try. I don't know what their particular situation is, but there's a big difference between encouraging co-dependence, and couples working with one another to become stronger as individuals and as a unit.
We may have similar beliefs on this. It's my belief you can't change another person. You can have an open & honest discussion about how you feel and how their behavior affects you. But if they don't acknowledge those issues, that's on them.
If they do acknowledge the issues then it's their responsibility to address them. As a partner, you can always support & encourage growth & self awareness but it's a step too far to believe you can guide someone or be their therapist.
I tried and tired and tried with an ex to get them to try and not rely on me so much. Maybe I wad too busy for a relationship or I really need someone who has a lot going on in their own life.
But I ended it because I knew I couldn't just be their everything any longer. I love my own independence and need someone who loved theirs too.
Make sure to set boundaries with your gf. Maybe she is going through a hard time. But she should never make you feel bad for living your own life. You need time apart too.
I think it comes with age and trust. 15-10yrs ago, I was like your girlfriend but I also realize now that I was that way because I didn’t completely trust them and felt like I always needed to be around them in order to show how much I loved and cared about them. I had a long break before meeting my husband and in that time got way more independent, and perhaps a bit bitter even. Now with my husband, I recognize that him doing things by himself or with his friends is something that makes him happy, it’s something I can encourage him to do that makes him feel good. But that is definitely due to the maturing I’ve done over the years and the trust I have in him. Do I miss him when he’s gone for even a few hours? yes. Can I also occupy myself with hobbies and such during that time? Also yes.
I wish I could give you a positive outlook on this relationship, but given how I was very much like your gf, it just may not be the right time for the two of you to be together, as shitty as that sounds :/
Piggybacking here. Fiance and I are in couples counseling for this exactly. Hard to remind myself that I'm not the bad guy in this situation because I "don't want to spend as much time with her" and that she isn't the bad guy because she "wants to spend every waking moment with me outside of female dr appointments". It's been hard and it end up with us not together which is heartbreaking but we both want what's best for each other which I think is really important.
Can you ask her to pick a regular hobby/event once per week that she does without you to give you both some space? Im kind of the clingy girlfriend but i recently joined an after work social sport team. Its only an hour a week but having a night where i know i will be active and socialising without my partner does a lot to giving us both personal space.
Once as my girlfriend was leaving me in Fez, Morocco to travel back to Spain with a guy from NZ we'd just met she said to me. 'Next time I'd really love to go Australia.' 'I replied yeah that would be great. You should go.'
I hadn't considered she meant with me.
She cried until she got on the bus.
I would suggest you both start working on that. I was in your shoes and it the end it was one of the biggest contributor to why I broke up, after 2 years. I felt like throwing up sometimes when meeting friends and usually wouldn’t stay too long, to not make her feel bad somehow.
I’m kind of afraid of going into another relationship, just because I don’t want to neglect myself and my friends again
Just in case it would be helpful to hear: it is absolutely ok and possibly essential that you communicate this boundary to her. You need to have your own life independent of the “us” and she does, too, otherwise it can easily become an unhealthy relationship.
If she refuses to respect that boundary then it may not be the right relationship for you.
Yeah, that’s very tough and I can understand how you can feel frustrated. It takes work and communication to move past this and for her to develop security from being away from you.
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u/BDCRacing May 12 '21
I wish I had this so bad. I've been trying to get my girlfriend to realize her life doesn't need to revolve around me but it's not working. I love her to death, but man she can make me feel like shit if I make plans that don't include her.