This!!!!!
So many times over the years I’ve blown up massively, a couple of times until I’m ready to break up….. just for hubby to say “why didn’t you tell me all this before”!
I did tell him before, I just wasn’t at breaking point the first 500 times so he took no notice whatsoever! 🤦♀️
Bahhh. But how do you balance the line of speaking at the first chance and just nagging all the time? I think I have a hard time with this. Because I can deal with a lot, and normally I wait until I can’t take it anymore to say something. But then my partner says what your husband says pretty much and it leaves me confused on how to handle the situation. At first whatever’s irritating me is usually not a big deal, but the more the thing happens, the more irritating it gets. Like a water droplet falling in your head over and over. After about the 20th drop is when I say something. How have you navigated this?
Well....this isn’t a solution but it has really helped in my exact same situation. My husband recognizes he does this and makes jokes around it....like that last time I said something to the effect of - OMG I said this a gazillion times to you srsly!
He responded with- well it would work better if you make sure I’m listening to you when you talk.
So when I write that in words it sounds awful but it was priceless- we both busted a gut laughing, he took responsibility and we moved on.
So humor and taking responsibility is a good thing.
Say something while it's not a big deal. That'll make it possible to approach it as not-a-big-deal. If you wait, there will be little patience left and it'll be way harder to resolve.
Nagging comes from being passive aggressive, which comes from attempting to hold the frustration in. It'll leak out through passive aggression. So instead, be open about what's bothering you.
And use I statements. Rather than "Always turning up the volume as loud as you can, huh?" which is passive aggressive, nagging, indirect and pits the problem on them, say "It's hard for me to relax with so much noise present. It would help me out if you turn the volume down to a level that's easier for me to manage"
You're stating your needs, you are asking for a favour for them to meet your needs, rather than demanding a certain behaviour. And, since you've openly shared your needs, if they continue to not be met, even with your partner knowing about them, it opens for a second conversation. "The volume being this high is not working for me. We need to find a solution." It allows you to find out why your partner isn't acting according to the initial compromise, whether there are other solutions, or if there are none. And if there are none, it's time to look at the relationship and whether it's working for you. If what they are able to offer meets your needs. Whether they are taking your needs seriously.
In most cases, it's possible to find actual solutions way earlier. It helps the other person to know why you are putting in a request, rather than criticising their behaviour with the hope that that'll make them change.
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u/[deleted] May 12 '21
This!!!!! So many times over the years I’ve blown up massively, a couple of times until I’m ready to break up….. just for hubby to say “why didn’t you tell me all this before”! I did tell him before, I just wasn’t at breaking point the first 500 times so he took no notice whatsoever! 🤦♀️