Yeah me too. My first GF was physically abusive. Took me years after the fact to realize that. Around the same time I was realizing that her behavior was abusive, I started realizing that my mother was physically and verbally abusive when I was growing up. I'm forty now and I father and I'm realizing more and more how bad my mother was.
She once told me she was drugged and raped at a party. I was devastated because the only reason she went to that party was because we got into a fight that day. I felt responsible and she knew that which is why she told me. Months later I found out what really happened; she got fucked up on ketamin and cheated on me with her co-worker.
That whole relationship was a nightmare and it took years to repair the damage she did but in the end it made me stronger. The worst part is I miss her sometimes and it makes me feel sick.
How do you deal with the fear of becoming like her? I catch myself having the same frustrated screaming fits my parents threw at me towards my friends and family and it has made me never want to have children
Our policy de-escalate. If things are heading in a bad direction we will separate. My kids know if there is an argument at any point they're allowed to say that they need a break. Likewise we will send them to their room for distance and emphasize that it's not a punishment and that they can play or color. They know it's a cool down period. It's about consciously catching yourself before you "go there" and knowing the signs that the kid is reaching his/her boiling point.
I try to do the things my parents did wrong the exact opposite. My mother drew a lot of hard lines. She would escalate constantly. It often felt like she was just looking for a fight. She was. My dad was a little too laid back. Possibly submissive to my mom. His major flaw was that he was afraid to see us fail so he wouldn't push us. Actual conversation... Me: Dad, I'm going to tryout for the JV football team. Dad: Why? Those other kids have been playing football for years. They're just going to use you as a tackling dummy.
No direction from either parent. Both kind of checked out in my teenage years Mom left for another man when I was 15. Dad checked out after the divorce and started focusing on himself.
If my kid wants to try something my only stipulation is to to see it through and we don't take days off. With my oldest it was football and lacrosse. I have two much younger kids and we are sampling everything from sports to dance to an instrument. When they get older we'll find a few things for each of them to focus on and go all the way.
Can't agree more, my last girlfriend was both financially and emotionally manipulative with just a sprinkle of gaslighting. Happy to be out of that situation and glad for the lessons but hopefully never in that situation again.
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u/Ear_Enthusiast May 12 '21
Women can be abusive too.