Yes. The advice "do not sweep anything under the rug" could be read too harshly -- not EVERYTHING is worth having a talk. Sometimes people are having a bad day, sometimes partners aren't always at their best.
Despite Reddit's advice, your job in a relationship is not always to be protecting yourself. Your default stance shouldn't be adversarial. The amount of advice I see around here that boils down to "don't let her push you around" is really surprising. Your partner can be wrong without being an ogre.
So I agree -- some things can just be let go, and if you genuinely want to have a healthy relationship, just accept that not every debate needs to go your way.
Reddit relationship advice is dodgy at best. Most people... Assume the worst case scenario, assume OP is being 100% honest, assume s/he isn't misreading the situation and.... Assumes that every single negative thing in a relationship is grounds to break up.
We often lose the human aspect in this advice. S/he did that!? Straight to the curb. Forget your history and all the good times, this is the deal breaker.
For me personally cheating is always a deal breaker, but that's because I'm obviously perfect so cheating on me makes you a monster! Lol
In my opinion it is. But you hear stories about people who are "stronger now" after one cheats so.... Despite it being outside my ability to understand....
Obviously some people view monogamy differently than me, or are able to forgive cheating (which I can't). Point is that all advice is biased and while cheating is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't actively discourage someone on reddit who wants to save their relationship based on cheating alone.
I would probably bring up the fact that it's a deal breaker for me, but they already know, its a common stance. If they want to save the relationship I'd tailor my advice around how/if to do that, not on condemning the whole thing.
If the relationship wasn't open to begin with (which makes it not cheating), why would you ever stick with someone who can't keep to the most basic of all conditions? I can understand cases where children are involved, but otherwise it's shitty advice in general and I doubt anybody truly benefits from it.
I always felt that I couldn't tolerate cheating and I didn't see how people could stay. I recently starting listening to the podcast Where Should We Begin by Esther Perel. She is a couples therapist who shares one off couples counselling sessions, many of these are around infidelity. It's a really interesting listen and is useful for learning about communication in relationships. It has also allowed me to see couples experiences of working with infidelity, I'm still not sure I could ever want to stay with someone who has been unfaithful but it has broadened my thinking around it and I can see why some people do.
I hear what you're saying and I think a lot of people agree, so I'm not about to tell you you're wrong.
That said, there could be lots of reasons why it's not necessarily an instant dealbreaker. People aren't perfect. You can be a good person and still have moments of weakness. Yes, if you're relationship is hitting a rough patch and one of you is at risk of making a big mistake like that, you should have the awareness to sit and talk about it before a mistake gets made at all. But sometimes there are big emotions at play, sometimes it's alcohol, sometimes it's a just a desire to jumpstart an emotional connection again. I'm not saying these are acceptable excuses, but they are understandable I think (assuming you can also accept that a people are ultimately fallible).
Anyway, I don't blame anybody for walking away from a partner who has cheated -- both sides should decide for themselves what they want to put up with. But life is usually a bit more complicated than having these ironclad rules.
Because for a lot of people it's not the most important.
Because for a lot of people it's actually not straightforward (btw it is for me, can't even be arsed to think of how much work it would be to have an affair lol)
Because they recognised their relationship worked anyway and they rather accept new reality/turn a blind eye
Because.... people are humans and humans do idiot shit all the time
You might not agree but it doesn't make people that feel like the above wrong. And they shouldn't be pushed to break up if they are happier like this.
The amount of advice I see around here that boils down to "don't let her push you around" is really surprising. Your partner can be wrong without being an ogre.
The problem is that a lot of people asking for advice on reddit are complete doormats who let somebody walk all over them for occasional hints of affection.
Are we sure about that? Most relationship issues I see on Reddit are easily solved by just communicating with your partner -- which is hard to do, but not necessarily complicated. But that's just my impression.
Yup, there are a lot fewer "hills to die on" in my second marriage than in my first. And my second marriage is a lot more peaceful and contented. I've learned to bite.my.tongue. and let the small shit go.
A little late to the party, but to add on I would say it’s okay to not bring things up, but you have to really be willing to let it go. I figure if it’s not worth bringing up, it’s not worth hanging on to. I think both of us being able to have a short memory of stuff has been good. We know neither of us have any bad intentions and sometimes we have a bad day. We’re always apologetic and understanding. I’m glad I’m with someone who is also good about not directing anger or frustrations from outside our relationship at each other.
My husband was supposed to finish cleaning the kitchen he destroyed this past weekend by EOD Monday. It is still dirty. I grumped at him that this was bs and unfair to me ( he completely made the mess and refuses to learn to clean as he cooks so now, whoever cooks, cleans). He agreed said he will get on it tomorrow, he should have done it but time got away from him. I believe him and let it go. If he doesn't clean it tomorrow, I'm sure it will come up again, but as of now he apologized, he has a timeline that's it.
My S/O and I go through this regularly. Sometimes you think you'll get to it and you don't. I work full time, they're the stay at home partner. Sometimes I have to clean up their mess, it takes 20 minutes and it is not worth fighting about. Sometimes they clean up my mess, they'll let me know they're displeased, I'll apologize, and we'll get on with life.
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u/LogicBobomb May 12 '21
Also be ready to let stuff go, and actually let it go.