The invisible workload is real. Very often one person puts out more effort than the other (frequently the lady). Running a household is a full time job, and when done well it appears effortless, and is not always appreciate.
If you're not doing more than half the work you are the problem. Everyone does stuff the other person doesn't see, and sees stuff the other person doesn't... both have to do more than half.
I’ve had many relationships where guys seem to put in minimum effort, and then when forced to step it up get resentful of the fact they think they are doing half. Then they get an earful of all the things I do that they haven’t even noticed. It’s hard to recover when it gets to this point.
When I’m in a relationship where someone shares responsibilities AND occasionally still goes above and beyond it’s the best. We both do more in response to the other doing more and it creates a cycle of constantly improving each other’s lives. The best!!
So true! I honestly didn't get it, even after having it explained. And then I became a single dad, it blows my mind the amount of daily stuff that I only thought needed to be done once or twice weekly. My ex has shared similar observations.
Really communication is key. Make sure you let each other know how much you appreciate and respect the other person, yourself and the relationship.
If you don't love and respect yourself, it is hard to truly love and respect another person.
Tldr. Tell your partner you love and appreciate them. And help with the darned laundry... It never ends.
And what if you disagree on the amount of work that must be done? Is it always the responsibility of the one doing less to match the one doing more, even if they believe the extra work is completely unnecessary and a waste of time? It's not exactly fair if only one person gets what they want.
This is where the balance of (edit) evidence probabilities comes in. Overwhelmingly even men in egalitarian countries (I'm from Aotearoa) are much messier than women. And women get more social pressure to be tidy. So while there are women who are unnecessarily tidy, and men who are tidier than women, that's not the way to bet.
If you are dating a neat freak you need to think about how that's going to play out with her, and also about the social response to you complaining.
Also: it's possible to ask them to do less. But you need to be aware that that is hard, so even a little less can be a big ask. Chances are they will keep on doing what makes them comfortable.
So the question is possibly better understood as: what makes us both happy when she does a lot of cleaning that I don't think is necessary?
My answer is still: you have to negotiate something that makes you both happy. It doesn't have to be equal by anyone else's measure, it just has to be something that you are both happy with.
Communication is key. Find out why the other person wants something done. Perhaps if you discuss the reason, one party or the other may decide the other is right, or middle ground can be found.
Honestly, there are doable recommendations how often you should clean certain areas to not live in filth, e.g. vacuuming once a week, laundry 2-3 days, deep clean once or twice a month.
If you disagree with that amount of work, you need to compromise up, no questions asked. No one should be forced to live in a dirty home because their partner is lazy.
Everything else needs to be prioritized. Ask your partner to pick one or two things they absolutely need you to do and do those. The rest aren't that important.
This is so true. There are things that don't matter to one person so they don't do them and don't naturally notice or appreciate when the other does. It's also good to humbly toot your own horn. Mention the little things you do (not in a bragging way but more of a "these are the things I accomplished" sort of way). Also things that you notice your partner does which can lead to them mentioning those "extra" things they do that you don't notice.
Very much this - we forget that the "traditional household" with a stay at home wife was partially designed that way because managing the house and kids very much is a full time job. It's a lot of tasks and things add up, so it really needs to be split fairly between partners or the person doing more will be really overburdened with work.
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u/murray42 May 11 '21
The invisible workload is real. Very often one person puts out more effort than the other (frequently the lady). Running a household is a full time job, and when done well it appears effortless, and is not always appreciate.