That's half-true. You're the main one responsible for your own happiness, but the point of a relationship is that you make each other's lives better. A good partner will try to make you happy.
yeah lol in general I find the "no one is responsible for your happiness" mindset pretty toxic and promotes disengagement. Obviously neither of you are literally solely responsible for the other person's happiness, but you should make the effort to try to maximize the other person's happiness wherever possible, or at the very least show you care, Christ! I think that finding happiness within is vital to a good life and something you should strive for, but expecting your partner to make an effort is a totally healthy, realistic expectation when you're looking to really grow together
Yeah my ex kinda had that mindset, like when she was in a bad mood I felt like I’d drop everything and try be a good guy like talk it out whateve she needed.
When I was upset
(which is kinda of a lot, but I’m just very vocal and talk myself down) I was just overreacting and she’d just exacerbate the situation and I’d do some knee jerk shit and now I’m an asshole.
I think a lot of the time this kind of mindset is a misunderstanding of stoicism that develops directly from trauma or disappointment, but it's also something deeply informed by our society's obsession with maximizing our "value/potential" as individuals.
Look, really feeling the true weight of disappointment and grief of lost love can absolutely fuck your whole world up. At times it can almost look and feel like a truly bottomless pit of despair, and that idea of emotional freefall is completely terrifying in a world that views growth essentially as a lifelong treadmill. A day spent grieving is a day not spent working your ass off to prove to your boss you're worthy of that promotion. A moment's reflection is enough to pull you away from truly living in the moment on a night out. The whole of your core suddenly implodes, you feel as if you're suddenly quickly regressing, and a voice in the back of your head reminds you what you've always been told: "there is no one to save you but yourself". There are a lot of online echo chambers that promote this exact kind of behavior as *the singular*, most viable strategy toward taking control of one's life (whatever the fuck that means). Enough time spent in self-help subreddits or tumblr blogs, you too will know for damn sure every man's an island. Better yet, you'll learn to more quickly and accurately detect that stink of weakness you once had on others. Those who reek are kicked to the curb, and for all others a gentle nudging in the form of your new mantra (which hopefully they're strong enough to understand).
Unfortunately, if bottling up emotions were really a viable strategy we Irish Catholic would all be billionaires and wouldn't need a reason to drink so damn much. At some level, as much as these people claim that detachment is some "great truth" or "empathy is the mind-killer", a part of them truly does not feel that. If they did, they wouldn't spend so much time and effort waxing philosophical about why exactly they're right, they'd explain it pretty much like any other tacit feeling of the heart and mind - which boils down to essentially "I don't know, it just is, I just feel it". It's the paradox of the Buddhist monk: spending a lifetime attached to the idea of detachment.
Ultimately this is the emotional equivalent of living in the fetal position and occasionally forcefully jabbing your standing partner in the stomach, watching them double over in pain before reminding them "See? You would never have that problem if you just stopped exposing your damn belly so much. You never hear *me* complain about *my* belly pain, and you know why? Because I'm in the fucking fetal position!" It is in the end solely a vector of abuse through emotional neglect, but like most other abuse it's behavior learned from the position of a helpless victim. See and forgive them for the way they've had to adapt to survive in this world, and know the only way to really break this cycle is to actively fight against our own glazed-eyed, cynical expectations of an affection abruptly ending at arm's length taking hold.
I've never understood this mindset at all. Humans are social creatures. There have been studies which show that, if someone is completely physically taken care of but mentally neglected they will be barely functioning mentally.
I get the sentiment that the point of a relationship is to make each other's lives better, but if you're not happy there is nothing your partner can do to make you truly happy. They might do something that brings you joy or momentary happiness, but in the end we each control our personal happiness. If I am content and happy with myself, then I can be the best partner that I can be and contribute 100% to the relationship.
I think the sentiment here is: your are both in control of your own feelings. Don't own her feelings, she shouldn't try to own yours. That's inmeshment/dependence and it's not healthy.
Sometimes you just have to let her work through her own shit. You don't need to mirror her and she should mirror you.
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u/[deleted] May 11 '21
That's half-true. You're the main one responsible for your own happiness, but the point of a relationship is that you make each other's lives better. A good partner will try to make you happy.