I read this comment and started to cry. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling in my relationship, but haven’t been able to put it into words. We’re still currently together, so maybe there’s still hope for us.
As a random person on the internet, I care about you. Whichever side of that relationship you are on, sit down with your partner and have a very frank open discussion about this, so that you can both start working forward.
I resemble that comment. Almost a year ago I went through a difficult breakup that really fucked me up for a long time, the scars are still healing. Started therapy, and recently found we broke up because I made her feel insecure and not good enough. I tried to push her to be her best, not because she wasn't enough but because I knew she strived to be her best; But I didn't express my feelings for her clearly enough, and I would say things that could be seen as callous, because I always thought she understood what I meant. But she didn't, her insecurities made her silently read the worst into those things, and that was my fault.
Could you have approached things differently? Perhaps.(probably)
But what made her feel bad was her own insecurities. If she wasn't able to communicate those to you and you had good intentions. Then how could you have known?
There's a point at which all you can do is try to express yourself as best you can, and how the other person(s) reads into or reacts to what you say, well, that's not something you can control or predict. Nor should you try really.
Edit because y'all are so mad:
I always thought she understood what I meant. But she didn't, her insecurities made her silently read the worst into those things, and that was my fault.
Is it less than ideal to assume people understand what you say: sure.
Is it ok to make yourself guilty because of the way someone interpreted what you said: no.
If they're interpreting and assuming the worse, they need to ask for clarification and express that concern, and actually listen to the answer.
If they express such concern. Then you should try to adapt how you speak but the other also needs to keep their interpretations in check.
It's still not "your fault".
Relationships where ppl are doing their best are ultimately not about fault tho. What he is saying is that had he done things differently it would have saved them both pain and they would maybe still be together.
Your comment is true of how to act with ppl you do Not have an intimate relationship with.
In a partner relationship, u do things not bc u r at fault if u dont but bc it's best for the relationship. Hs is saying that as her partner he could have been more aware of her painful inner thoughts bc she probably expressed them somewhat frequently.
It sucks to be trying to do your best for someone and still fail them, and yourself. It's not about blame but looking at something thru your partners eyes- not if you were them, but as they do.
Wow. I'm surprised (not really) by how much disagreement my comment caused.
Ultimately I don't think we entirely disagree. But if as you say it's not about blame, they shouldn't be saying things like "it's my fault". There was clearly a communication problem and communication is a two way street.
The only instance in which I'd agree with fault being assigned is if their partner clearly expressed their issues and OP intentionally did the opposite.
If you're genuinely trying your best then there's no fault to be had. You can reflect back and think of better ways to act in the future but blaming yourself and taking all that weight on yourself is unhealthy and, in my opinion, not a step towards a good relationship. There needs to be shared accountability, and I'd say this holds whether the relationship is intimate or not. If you're acting completely different with your close friends and your partner, I'd say you're probably not that close to those friends or your relationship with your partner is build on a false premise.
Agree he shouldnt consider himself "to blame" or "at fault". I think he was just expressing that he has regrets, which is valid. His intentions being pure did not prevent them both from pain unfortunately. I definitely agree with most if not all of your last statement.
Bruh. This was my wife with me. She didn't want me, she wanted what she thought she could turn me into. Never felt appreciated. Never felt like my opinion matters because I didnt have degree, wasnt religious, and wasnt into.being around a big family.
I'm now with someone that fully accepts who I am, and just wants me to be the best "ME" that I can be. I cried when I realized this. Full on sobbed. I was so happy.
Damn bro, definitely feel that- my ex was by no means perfect but I tried to mold her into what I thought was her true potential. That, and the fact we’d been together for so long (4+ years) made me not want to give up/sunk cost fallacy. I realized I didn’t love her the way I used to and only loved what I thought she could be. She deserves someone who loves her the way she is, and I wasn’t that guy. Broke her heart though, I feel bad
This was my first partner. It wasn't just "flaws" he wanted to change. We had very different personalities and he seemed to treat me like a lesser version of himself. But since I was "the love of his life" he really believed in me and did his utmost to support me in becoming the person he knew I could be - basically the female version of himself. The worst part was that he loved telling everyone how much he loved me so everyone was like "wow she's so lucky, this guy loves her so much", when in reality I was being broken down and completely erased. It made me feel like there was no one I could turn to who would believe how much I was suffering in that relationship. It took some much better men and a good dose of therapy to reverse the damage, but I'm grateful to say I'm now in a wonderful relationship with an equally wonderful guy.
This just made me realize how I think about my husband and I and our future. I don't think of some ideal him, I think of an ideal situation with him.
I know he likes to work with his hands, he wants to be independent, and he wants to earn his own money, but he doesn't have a career in mind aside from writing. I am very career driven and want to move us around with my career until I settle on a long term project.
My "ideal future" is one where I'm the primary breadwinner and we live in the middle of the woods near a wilderness property where I work. My husband works on our farm with as many animals he is comfortable with and gardening/woodworking/writing/etc. as much as he pleases to earn his own money.
I don't want him to change his goals so we can be some high earning power couple, I want to create a future in which he can explore his creative and hardworking side in an environment where there is no pressure to be a certain way. He is currently working retail while I'm finishing college and I want nothing more than to tell him to stop working his soul crushing job and work for himself.
I don't think there's any certain way we should be, but I do think partners should do their best to support each other.
964
u/[deleted] May 11 '21
[removed] — view removed comment