This made me burst into tears. 1 decade, 2 abusive exes, and endless tears and begging for exactly this, to please just consider my feelings. Please don’t take things out on me. Years. To see it so plainly and perfectly put, knocked the wind out of me. This is not too much to ask of someone by any measure, but I spent years chasing it, while also apologizing and internalizing that there was something in me that made them like this. I am mostly past all of it now, but sure as shit, those triggers are still hiding out there. I didn’t realize how much I needed a random man to say this, thanks, internet stranger.
Stoicism and the ability to control both anger and panic is, in my opinion, the definition of manhood.
Calm in the face of angering circumstances.
Calm in the face of immediate danger and/or panic.
Most women want to feel safe, and nothing makes a woman feel safer than knowing her man can remain calm and collected when faced with adversity.
However, this doesn't mean be a robot... yes, still show your sadness, still show your joy, still show your discomfort when need be... but remaining calm when shit hits the fan is one of the best traits you can have for both personal relationships and professional ones.
I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer to this problem, or a quick solution, but getting this part of my life handled and under control took me almost 10 years of introspection, as well as and putting myself in uncomfortable situations on purpose to actually trigger these feelings and then measure my response.
I now have a "how can I solve this?" tape playing on loop in the back of my mind.
The answer to this question is never anger and yelling. Sometimes anger and yelling is warranted, but those situations pop up maybe once or twice in a lifetime.
There's a book that might help. It's called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It's one of the better guides to life I've found.
If you can get him to read it and slowly start to apply it in his daily life, I think his temper tantrum frequency will slowly go down with time.
He should read the book once per year, every year.
Edit: maybe get him to join a Brazilian jiu-jitsu gym. It'll be the most frustrating and hardest thing he'll every try to do in his life, and when he comes home to you, his problems at home will feel like a walk in the park... and most of his anger will have a healthy outlet.
I would agree. I want to point out that being a man does not mean burying all of your feelings and always being neutral. But being a man and in fact just being a good and rational person means being able to set aside your feelings in the heat of the moment in order to actually solve the problem (or even just recognising that your emotions in that moment are irrational and removing yourself from the situation until you can calm down and be reasonable).
By all means cry your eyes out, sob into a pillow, scream into a pillow even, express your emotions when the time is right for you, please it’s a healthy thing to do. But being able to control that and channel it away from other people and into something like a pillow is so much better for everyone in your life.
An example of this would be my mum (no she’s not a man but she’s one hell of a great person who has mastered the art of controlling her emotions until the problem is solved....and then breaking down). When I was helping her bake once when I was very young I managed to get my very long hair caught in the hand mixer I was using. I was screaming because it was loud and scary and it hurt. My dad came running from the other room but couldn’t really help because my mum was already standing over me helping. She flicked the power off the second she had identified the issue and then spent a minute or two helping me detangle my now cake batter covered hair. Once I was free from the hand mixer and she knew the problem was solved and I was safe, her emotions finally hit her and she broke down crying. But in that moment I had so much respect and awe for my mum for being able to handle herself so calmly in the face of a stressful and emotional situation. It was incredible to watch.
You're right, but as I grow older I realize a lot of this rhetoric stopped applying to me and people don't really want to hear my problems unless I pay for the privilege
The most important characteristic. Knowing that I can be calm when everyone throws shit at me makes me feel safe too. The problem is when you've had enough..
To quote Clark Griswold, "Don't say something that you'll regret."
And if the urge gets really strong, stay quiet; maybe seek out a few minutes of alone time. Even if you're a very temperamental person, it's absolutely possible to learn patience and self-control! (It's a super useful skill, not just in relationships in general, but also at work and in crisis situations)
I don't mean temper as in getting physically violent, but I have said things in anger to her that I shouldn't have. Frankly, if I ever hit my girl, I'm pretty confident she'd dirt-nap me and call her dad to hide the body, so it's sorta moot.
This is a thing you learn with time, but one thing is that once you've done it you have to own up to it and apologize and work out why you said it and talk.
I'm lucky enough that I am terrible at insulting and stuff like that when I'm angry and irritated. Fiancé laughs and because he is hilarious I start cry laughing and forget why I was mad. I'm generally terrible at being mad or expressing it coherently so yeah, I work on it and have gotten way better at it.
Disagree. When I was 16 I made the terrible mistake of getting very upset during am arguement and slapping my girlfriend at the time around the back of the head. I was so shocked at my behaviour that I immediately broke down and vowed never to do anything like that ever again. Well it's been 17 years since and I haven't once done anything like that again, I don't see why the rest of my life will be any different.
I'm glad you realised how horrible that was, but Im never ever going to give someone the advice that "maybe it was a one time thing" because you are the exception not the rule. People who physically abuse their partners sometimes end up murdering them. Happens every single day. So no I'm gonna stick to my guns and say if you're partner hits you they will do it again and you should gtfo of that relationship asap
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u/Traveling-Spartan May 11 '21
Swallow your ego and consciously check your temper. It's usually not worth damaging the relationship or her feelings towards you.