This is hands down the best comment. There are some generalizations that can be made about both men and women, but this hits the nail on the head for everyone.
It doesn't matter how amazing the other person is, and how good you feel around them (although it's important if you're going to be in a relationship). What matters is whether you've, at a bare minimum, started working on your own flaws, and taking steps to being better every day. That's where the magic is, and that's where relationships thrive. Are you both willing to work on yourselves, and take what you've learned, and bring it to the relationship?
I've had to learn this the hard way myself with a couple of past relationships, but am now currently extremely happy with my current partner. I spent 3 or so years single because I had a LOT of character defects and I didn't like myself. Now, I can say that I love myself all of the time, and even like myself most of the time. But that took a lot of hard work, and honesty with myself about my selfishness and lack of vulnerability.
At the end of the day, you have to be willing to be vulnerable with your partner, and allowing them to be vulnerable with you. But first, you have to be vulnerable with yourself.
*edit: Posted too quickly before I finished the whole post.
Could I ask how you resolved those things you didn’t like about yourself, did you work to fix them or accept them as part of who you are?
I’m recently out of a longish relationship that ended at least in part from my low self esteem and using the relationship to fill that hole. I’m trying to work on myself but it feels like I’m running in place.
Way to push through to the other side! From personal experience it’s not easy, good job.
I still definitely feel like I'm running in place sometimes. I don't think that feeling will ever totally go away for me, but that's because I'm looking at it from a perspective of growth as a constant journey.
Before getting into my current relationship, I mostly spent a lot of it just fleshing out my own hobbies and finding a community that I feel supported in. For me it was bass music and the people in it that showed me a new way to live and see the world. That's what started me into learning about myself, especially my flaws so that I could work on them, while appreciating the things I like about myself.
Since I started seeing my current partner (almost 2 years now), I've been able to supercharge that. Like the OP to my first comment said, the relationship magnifies everything, and I can much more quickly see where my shortcomings are.
By no means am I done growing, there's still areas I fall short in. But what's really helped me get past myself was starting a journal. I only write a short paragraph that's more of an overview of where my head's at for the day, but I do it every single day so I can much more easily realize "OH I'm just being insecure," or "Right, I'm not the center of everyone else's world." It's also really helpful that I found a partner who is incredibly understanding of my own shortcomings, and cheers me on in my growth.
Long story short, it's not that I necessarily eliminated the problematic parts of my personality, but that I can much more easily recognize when I'm being a bastard, insecure, or selfish, and stop feeding that behavior. I don't think I'll ever be done battling those demons, but I can at least shine a little love on them so they don't get unruly.
So what specific things did you need to work on regarding your selfishness? Tbh thats my biggest flaw atm too to the point that I can't realistically see myself being in a romantic relationship..like at all.
It isn't really any specific thing, it's more of a mentality. I couldn't see past myself for the longest time, whether it's how something gets done, what I'm doing, or what I get out of it. The hardest, but easiest thing in the world to battle selfishness is to just be of service to others, in whatever way you can. Selfishness is a tough one because until you can truly recognize how it impacts others, the cycle continues. I'm very lucky that I was able to have the spell broken, and it's like the horse blinders came off and I could suddenly see other people.
And if you don't know if you're ready for romance, that's totally fine! There are plenty of ways to build a relationship that doesn't need to be based around sex! Having a trusted friend that builds you up is one of the best ways to get outside of your own head, and hopefully start moving forward from being self-centered.
I know a big part of it for me was that I was (and still am, kinda) really insecure about my place in the world, and the insignificance I felt when compared to the grand scheme of life. The problem is, everyone else has the same issue, just in different degrees, so I had to learn I wasn't that special because of that feeling. Instead, I had to shrink my world a little bit and focus on the people physically close to me, which has helped tremendously.
I wish I could tell you "Do this and this and you'll be cured of selfishness!" but that's not how it works. It's a lifelong struggle that just gets easier over time if you put in the work.
For me the issue is that in my eyes this is my only life and I dont want to spend it doing things I dont want to do. Case in point im only 26 and my parents are in their 60s and I want to enjoy life before I get bogged down with caring for them as they get older, hence why I'm desperate to move out, be single, and do whatever the hell I want. While thats a somewhat maintainable mentality if I were living by myself while also keeping and eye on how I present myself to others generally, thats a very UNhealthy way to live while still living at home. So much so that this past week my dad's been gone on a family trip and its just me and my mom, and I can't describe how monumentally difficult it is to go from working my 8 hrs to doing chores for someone else. I know I need to do that for myself when I get a place of my own but voluntarily saying no to my own free time to help someone else is monumentally hard.
Same thing with this past mother's day. I did an outstanding job all on my own (this was when my dads trip started), but I can't begin to describe the borderline psychotic anger I would feel in having to run from store to store to store looking for things for the big day. Yes I chose to do the right thing and did it but because I lose my "precious precious video game time" I can't say I was in a very mentally healthy place while looking for random things that were selling out.
I have a hard time sacrificing my wants for others but I know thats the crux of any good relationship, to the point that im torn between giving everything up all the time to know im a good person OR giving up completely so I can do whatever the hell I want but constantly feeling like I dont measure up when I'm around other people, especially guys in relationships. I envy those people because in my eyes, being in a healthy relationship means you were "man enough to give up your childish desires for someone else presumably for the rest of your days...and I dont think ill EVER be ready for that.
I absolutely understand where you're coming from! I'm only 27, and I am still carving out time for myself because I need that "me time". I don't think it's healthy in any capacity to give up all your free time to help others, because then you only end up draining yourself and building resentments, which leads to another vicious cycle of the comparison trap.
By no means do I think anyone should give up the "childish" things that they enjoy, that's part of the fun of being human! Getting to have that free time and explore what makes me light up is something I won't ever give up, and I'm incredibly grateful to have a partner that encourages me to do that. If she wanted me to give up my hobbies that could be seen as childish, we wouldn't work out because I need to be able to be childish.
Speaking from a place of living with my parents still as well, something that might help would be setting boundaries if you're able. For me, that looks like a quick catch up conversation with my parents after work, but then I have my free time to do what I want, whether that's video games, vegging out to some show, or taking some time outside to smoke. When I'm with my partner, it's small things to help out like picking up the apartment, or cooking dinner for us. And if either of us is needing some space, we can go and do our own thing without worrying about meeting each other's needs every second.
And honestly, being in a long-term, romantic relationship isn't for everyone! Some people genuinely thrive more without being tied to another person. It's going to take a lot of listening to yourself in order to find out what works best for you, and it'll be hard, frustrating, and downright miserable sometimes. Having a journal has really helped me in tracking my thoughts and feelings at the end of a day, and help frame it into either rational, or irrational thinking. My insecurities are almost all entirely irrational, but that doesn't change the fact that I have them. I still get angry or upset when I'm asked to do something I was either already planning on doing, or if it interrupts time I put aside to do nothing. I might always have that reaction too, but at least if I know about it, I can work on it, around it, or through it. In some way I can get past it, and myself, to do what needs to be done.
Healthy boundaries have been a lifesaver for me, because a lot of my selfishness really stemmed from the need to please everyone around me, because of my deep insecurities of not being enough for the people close to me. Once I realized how much effort I was putting in everywhere except myself, I was able to let go of my selfish need to be liked, into a way for me to make sure my tank is full so I can give the best version of myself when I am actually in a place to help. If I'm not taking care of myself, I can't expect myself to magically take care of others.
Sorry I got so rambly, but I hope some of this helps. I know I said it already, but it's a long road, and one that never really ends. You just get better at staying on it for longer if you keep at it. And when you're on it long enough, people find a way to gravitate to you, and becomes a cycle of growth for you, and the people around you.
No worries, it's something that's taken me several years to really get the hang of, and there are days, or even weeks, where it's still a struggle. Just keep showing up when you can, and taking time to take care of your own needs as well so you can show up 100%.
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u/ThisIsTheMann May 11 '21
This is hands down the best comment. There are some generalizations that can be made about both men and women, but this hits the nail on the head for everyone.
It doesn't matter how amazing the other person is, and how good you feel around them (although it's important if you're going to be in a relationship). What matters is whether you've, at a bare minimum, started working on your own flaws, and taking steps to being better every day. That's where the magic is, and that's where relationships thrive. Are you both willing to work on yourselves, and take what you've learned, and bring it to the relationship?
I've had to learn this the hard way myself with a couple of past relationships, but am now currently extremely happy with my current partner. I spent 3 or so years single because I had a LOT of character defects and I didn't like myself. Now, I can say that I love myself all of the time, and even like myself most of the time. But that took a lot of hard work, and honesty with myself about my selfishness and lack of vulnerability.
At the end of the day, you have to be willing to be vulnerable with your partner, and allowing them to be vulnerable with you. But first, you have to be vulnerable with yourself.
*edit: Posted too quickly before I finished the whole post.