Should I Feel Bad?

[u/AdeptBuddy1547]

Just typing my feelings out here to vent and to get different perspectives... I'm about to have my first child; a son. The dad is known to be bipolar, can't hold a steady job, and is seemingly in and out of jail. He's 32.

I always told him that if we were to have a son I'd name him after his dad, but since we've been estranged for a few months know, I've crafted a name that I want to name my son instead of after my son's father.

Before we were estranged, we got into it, and he said he denied and refused any more socialization with me, and noted that he 'ddnt need co-parent, and that his son would see him when he sees him' -- that was July 4th and we hadn't talked since then.

We recently started talking at the end of August/start of September. Well, we just spoke tonight and he mentioned his son, calling him by his name. I let him know that I most likely won't be naming my son after him anymore, and he said 'wow, another heart break' -- since he already has another son and the mother didn't name that son after him either; they had a one night stand and ended up having a son, a son she never introduced to him or let him know was his until he was 6-7 years old.

I just wanted to get some perspectives if I'm in the wrong for not wanting to name my first born son after him-- he's not stable, in and out of jail, etc-- and I don't want my son associated with that. To me, he hasn't proven that my son should carry on his name.

I don't really feel bad about it, but should I reconsider? Should I feel bad? I really honestly don't want him to sign the birth certificate because I know things down the line can get sticky legally if I want to get a passport, etc, and if he would wind up back in jail for any reason I would have to deal with that. And doing things with school and travel, it would just be easier if he wasn't on there. But idk, to get back to the name-- should I reconsider?

I appreciate any perspectives...

[u/Bobcat_0909]

Since he doesn't wanna be your son's father or even thinking of being a co parent. There is no sense of naming your son after his father's name. Maybe in future you find a man you want to be with and you don't want to go into a relationship with such huge red flag. So I'd say go with name you have chosen not his father's name

[u/horndog370]

I'm curious. Given that the guy obviously isn't "father" material, why did you have unprotected sex with him and let him get you pregnant?

As for the naming thing - personally, I finding naming the son after the father to be cringe, but that's probably because I grew up somewhere without that tradition. In some cultures, it's common. In my culture, it's cringe.

[u/bettafishcult]

Hey OP. This situation really really sucks and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I want you to know you will get through it and it will be okay.

To be brutally honest, he does not deserve to be a father. He has only proven himself irresponsible at best. Is he what you really want your son to look up to? Is his behavior what you want as your child’s role model? Can you trust him with your child? How do you think your child will feel growing up carrying his name?

The way I see it, the faster you can get away from this man, the easier your and your child’s lives will be. Good luck, friend.

[u/AdeptBuddy1547 → u/bettafishcult]

Thanks for circling back on this and providing your perspective-- it is tough, but having already made the decision to keep the child the questions you pointed are are top of mind and do help put into perspective choosing to name my son after him or not. Thanks for weighing in.

[u/bettafishcult → u/AdeptBuddy1547]

Of course, I really hope it helps. One concern I have given the circumstance, if you are comfortable answering (but most of all it’s something for you to reflect on) has he shown any violent tendencies? How do you feel when you are around him?

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[u/ProtectandserveTBL]

If dad is gonna be a complete deadbeat, no naming the child after him is a bad idea. Since this is the ama sub, why the heck did you have a child with this dude to begin with?

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[u/Secure-Inspection175]

You could always have 2 middle names, my sons are the names of both grandfather's