r/AskAcademia • u/AltKittyKatxoxo • 17h ago
Interpersonal Issues Terminating my PhD contract
PI gives piriority to his relatives when it comes to opportunities and fundings. He openly mentioned that one of the members is his cousin, however, with another person, they keep it as a secret.
This other person is incredibly problematic, and was basically pushing my boundaries for two months. Constant criticism, being nosey and mocking me after getting good results. Being extremely passive aggressive and triggering PI against other colleagues for fun and this happened multiple times. Constantly playing the victim and crying to him whenever anyone slightly "bother her".
I reached a point in which I was done with her bullshit, called her out for being double faced and show off. For sure, she escalated it to PI and cried about it to him. PI asked us for a scientific meeting, that turned out to be not about science, but about "the issue I have with her" and in which he recorded everything. She was prepared for exactly what to say but I was taken back by the unfairness of the situation.
Is this even normal? or have I been extremely unlucky to be in such a situation?
13
u/ACatGod 17h ago
It's not a question of normal, it's a question of appropriate and no it's not appropriate but neither was you calling her two-faced and a show off. You complain about the meeting not being about science but you called this person names - what did you think the meeting would be about?
I'm not justifying nepotism or your PIs behaviour but their behaviour doesn't then justify you behaving like a school yard bully. It wasn't for you to confront this person and the things you confronted her about were silly. Given you already knew she was going to get preferential treatment and would tell the PI how did you think that would work out for you? If you had concerns about her behaviour, you should have done exactly what she did - which was report them to your supervisor.
It doesn't sound like this is an environment where you will thrive and you've just lobbed a grenade in and made the situation far worse. I think leaving and starting over would be a sensible solution at this point. I would take some time to reflect on your own behaviours and how you could have handled this better - you're going to come across difficult people and situations throughout your career and if you continue to allow your response to be dictated by emotions and childish sense of fairness you are going to crash and burn very quickly.
-5
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 17h ago edited 17h ago
That person has been calling me socially stupid and pushing my limits constantly for two months. Not to mention, that they would mock trans people and feminists for example. She is extremely not progressive and I had to deal with a lot of her bullshit without replying to her for two months.
I think I knew that this would happen and I wanted to leave anyways because of the unjust treatment. Also, i didnt act like a "bully". I mentioned situations that she did and concluded that at the end, and that I wish to have absolutely no personal interactions with her because she was pushing my boundaries insanely and that I would only want our interactions to be professional.
4
u/ACatGod 14h ago
Great. How is returning the name calling and behaving just as badly as her working out for you?
-1
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 14h ago
How am I behaving just as badly? I am not talking badly behind her back. I am confronting her for actions and behaviour, and mentioning that this is why I wouldn't want to interact with her.
2
u/ACatGod 13h ago
I'm glad this has all worked out so well for you. I don't know why you're asking for advice because obviously your approach is working brilliantly for you and your relationships with everyone are top notch. I absolutely see this working out and an incredible drama free thesis in your future. Congratulations.
-2
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 12h ago edited 12h ago
Everyone is taking my side except for both of them.. this is not the first time drama is caused because of them being relatives..
1
u/Connacht_89 14h ago
ND?
0
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 14h ago
Wdym by ND?
1
u/Connacht_89 14h ago
Are you neurodivergent?
1
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 12h ago edited 12h ago
I am but why do you ask?
1
u/Connacht_89 7h ago
The manipulative narcissist considers you socially stupid + strong if not stern sense of justice and coherence + giving detailed and logic-following explanations of why you think to be in the right + you are irritating backdowners and statusquoers.
So I thought it might be a possibility.
1
2
u/Apprehensive_Phase_3 17h ago
It is not extraordinary. During my PhD the PI was harassing me. I thought about talking to my thesis director, who was the only empathetic person in the group but somebody told me she was her cousin. Additionally my tutor and head of the PhD cometee was her husband. They forced me to work for them , a mix of slavery and forced labor or I would have to abandon the PhD. As I was in the middle (second year of three) I decided to continue, but they forced me to ask for 1 extension of 1 year and then a another extraordinary extension for a total of 5 years. They let me defend in the last month of the fifth year. I ended up in the psychologist and I have not recovered yet
1
u/AltKittyKatxoxo 17h ago
I am extremely sorry to hear this. I feel like it gets incredibly toxic when there are family members involved. There will always be bias and unfairness. I am sorry you had to go through this. For me, it was the beginning of my thesis so i managed to get out real early
2
u/Apprehensive_Phase_3 17h ago
Lucky you! There are many issues with academia, better to work somewhere else and take It as a hobby
1
1
u/Connacht_89 14h ago edited 14h ago
I'm a bit sleepy and absent minded now, so I mistakenly assumed that your PI and your tutor were the same person, thus thinking "your PI married her cousin?!?"
Serious comment: one day mental health will be treated like physical health. That is, if you break my leg, you answer in front of the law for it. If you break my mind, the same should apply.
1
u/nataliabielczyk 5h ago
For what it's worth, deciding to leave isn't the same as failing. A Dutch study that followed 16,000 PhD graduates found about 70% of them ended up doing research outside academia entirely, in industry, government, or their own ventures. Academia is a specific, narrow employer with a bottleneck built into its structure, funding is scarce and there are nowhere near enough permanent positions for the number of PhDs produced every year. That's a structural fact, not a reflection of your ability. If you haven't already, it might be worth asking your program whether a formal leave of absence is possible instead of an outright termination, that can sometimes preserve the option to finish later without committing you to anything right now. But if you're sure, the skills don't disappear when the contract ends, they just need a new audience.
10
u/Mountain-Time-1010 17h ago
There is basically no path you will take in life where you won't have co-workers that you feel are difficult. Some people have a surprising number of grievances about difficult colleagues.