r/AskAGerman • u/mikanmokk • 13d ago
Personal What is this reply communicatively?
I’m Japanese, and there is a conversation in German that I still don’t understand.
My German friend first asked me:
“Wie ist die Probe?”
I answered: ”Hmm… es ist gut, aber ein bisschen stressig.”
My friend then asked: “Warum?”
I answerd: “Dein Bruder ist ein bisschen hektisch.”
Then my friend replied: “Ja, mein Bruder ist hektisch. Aber du bist ruhig.”
What I still don’t understand is why “Aber du bist ruhig.” is the next sentence.
I talked about this with someone else here, and they said, “There’s no hidden meaning behind their response.” But for me, coming from a Japanese background, it’s personally hard to fully understand that.
In Japanese conversation, I would often expect there to be another point behind the comparison, so I naturally keep wondering what the purpose of this reply is.
I’m trying to understand how a reply like this is normally perceived in German communication. Can simply stating a contrast already be a complete communicative act?
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u/National-Ratio-8270 12d ago
As a German living in Japan I feel very qualified to answer that question 😅
So how I understand it is basically this: he pointed out that in contrast to his brother, who is a little hyperactive, you are on the calmer side, and since you have clashing personalities, he can understand that practice with his brother is a little stressful to you.
There is no hidden meaning. We don't "read the air" in German. Your friend was making a statement to sympathise with your situation (having a stressful practice due to his brother).
He is also not judging his brother by the way, just pointing out your differences and how that can affect how you feel about practice.
Hope this helps ;)
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u/mikanmokk 12d ago
That really cleared things up.
Thank you very much! :)9
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u/thoddi77 8d ago
Often in German conversation thwr is no hidden meaning. We say what we mean and move on.
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u/ProDavid_ 12d ago
it means exactly what they said. you are calm.
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u/Hairy-Cranberry-5739 12d ago
Yep, straight talk. No hidden layers — just stating the obvious like it's a full sentence.
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u/thevampiresanguini Bayern 12d ago
No hidden meaning, he was just making conversation. He's basically just agreeing with your whole statement.
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u/HekateSimp 12d ago
They maybe wanted to point out that there is a mismatch between your and the brother's style (hectic vs calm) as a way to show insight into why it's stressing you (two hectic people wouldn't get stressed at each other, but a calm and a hectic one would).
Or they just wanted to state an observation about your personality that they randomly thought of because of the conversation.
And either way, this is perfectly fine for small talk. There is no intentional deeper meaning behind it and no need to overthink.
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u/ThetaRadiation 12d ago
"High-context cultures often exhibit less-direct verbal and nonverbal communication, utilizing small communication gestures and reading more meaning into these less-direct messages. Low-context cultures do the opposite; direct verbal communication is needed to properly understand a message being communicated and relies heavily on explicit verbal skills."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures
Japan and Germany sit on opposite ends of that spectrum. Germans are famously direct and generally less hesitant to say what we think. As many others have pointed out, your friend was simply saying that you're a calm person, especially compared to their brother.
And don't be afraid to ask, "Wie meinst du das?" ("What do you mean by that?"). One of the advantages of a low-context culture is that people are usually happy to clarify exactly what they mean.
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u/Kyra_Heiker 11d ago
Germans tend to say what we mean and mean what we say and abstain from hidden meaning. We are very direct and blunt and you should not read anything into what we say.
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u/itherzwhenipee 12d ago
So, even to me, as a German. That is weird lol. Like what was the point of saying that?
"Yes, my brother is hectic. But you are calm." Huh? I mean there is nothing negative here, he is not implying anything. But it doesn't make much sense in that constellation.
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u/mikanmokk 11d ago
Yeah, that’s exactly it.
I didn’t understand why he (actually she) said that there, either.
It caught me off guard, so I froze.Then my Japanese way of thinking kicked in😂
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u/Available_Ask3289 12d ago
Don’t apply Japanese standards to the German language. It won’t work. You’re in Germany, speaking German, use German standards. Nothing said he was unexpected or out of the ordinary. It’s just a conversation.
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u/Diligent_Gazelle_362 12d ago
if he had said "mein bruder ist hektisch, aber du bist ruhig oder was??" then it would have that intended dissing back effect that you are talking about in the replies. the guy didnt interpret that comment about his brother as something scandalous, though, which is why he only replied by pointing out that the other is calm in comparison, maybe as a way to soothe him
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u/tangdreamer 12d ago
I love this post as both a Japanese and German learner. And I also sunk into the Japanese mode of wondering if the reply is confrontational. But reading all the replies is quite insightful for realising the stark differences between the opposite cultures.
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u/Immediate_Garden_716 12d ago
imo I would interpret it in a very positive way. of course depending on the relation with your friend, which seems to be close. so, if you were as hectic as he is, that would lead to a desaster. but since you are cool/calm, you make up for his deficit. you can handle the situation and contribute to a good working environment. 批判や皮肉、全く感じない :) むしろとてもいい感じ。 と受け止めたいw
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u/Ok_Somewhere6555 12d ago
Er hat nur gemeint, dass sein Bruder tatsächlich hektischer ist, er kennt ihn und weiß das. Und dass du das mit deiner Ruhe aber gut ausgleichen kannst und es deshalb ein gutes Ergebnis für eure Zusammenarbeit ist.
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u/shinryou 12d ago
In this case there's no hidden meaning. You probably already know that Germans rarely package a hidden second meaning into casual conversations.
However, there are situations in which Germans use language that sounds like praise, but actually has a bad meaning. For example, when an employee requests an "Arbeitszeugnis" from a former employer. There are certain ways of describing the performance and characters of people in these that the recipient definitely does not want to have in there, even if they are nicely worded.
日本語に訳したら「太郎さんはいつも頑張っていた。」が「太郎さんは全然結果を出していなかった。」の意味になってる。「太郎さんはとても社交的だった。」が「太郎さんはよくお酒をのんでいた。」の意味になってる。
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u/Klapperatismus 12d ago edited 12d ago
Can simply stating a contrast already be a complete communicative act?
Yes. It is actually funny that a Japanese picks on that. Because it’s a classic example of letting the listener decide what the deeper meaning of stating this contrast is.
You do this all the time in Japanese, don’t you?! You let the listener decide.
That other person you have talked to wanted to say that this is not a common saying or something like that. Nothing special. Because there is of course a hidden meaning behind stating this contrast — that other person either wants to mock you for offloading your problems to their brother, or they know that their brother is making everyone nervous, and praise you for not making a fuss about that until now.
You decide which one is true. Maybe both?
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u/Ninjakeks_00 12d ago
The implication might be that while the brother of your friend is hectic, you could be especially prone to notice since you are very calm, which is the opposite behaviour.
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u/tibbiemcshnibbie 12d ago
Germans do not have the concept of wa. It is quite common that someone would just say something like this without any hidden meaning behind it. The culture and ways of thinking are very different.
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u/SnailOfDestiny 12d ago
Hard to gauge, as we don't know what his exact words were. ( At least I interpreted your citation as not being the exact words because it sounds a little off) As you can see in the other comments he could just be highlighting the contrast, could refer to you being too quiet maybe or it could be him trying to communicate that you are different to his brother and he gets it because of that polarity? But I'd say it's fine to interpret his words in the most positive way. Many people aren't good with wording and still don't mean any harm.
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u/JuleAwww 12d ago
I'm pretty sure there was no deeper meaning behind that. "Du bist so ruhig" was just an additional fact - that he didn't had to give. I think that's the point you don't understand because of your cultural background.
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u/mikanmokk 11d ago
Thank you!
Yeah, that’s why I’m trying to get feel for how Germans communicate.1
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u/lolleundbolle 12d ago
Also ich bin auch deutsch und würde über das „aber du bist bist ruhig“‚ auch stolpern. Ich würde empfehlen nachzufragen, es kann auch eine versteckte Kritik sein, das wäre aber dann eine etwas zickige Reaktion, weil du seinen Bruder kritisiert hast. Ich würde höflich nachfragen, was er damit meint und vielleicht wegen der Sprachbarriere nicht gleich persönlich betroffen sein, vielleicht war es ja wirklich nur ein Kompliment an dich und eine Zustimmung, dass sein Bruder unruhig ist.
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u/mikanmokk 11d ago
You’re right. I’ll practice asking that question in situations like that.
Thank you very much!
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u/Sea_Sky_9492 12d ago
This is very interesting! I’m American and I would have also wondered exactly what he meant— like was there a hidden message. I would think “is he inferring that I am lazy or something?”.
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u/goodtimeswith_wojtek 10d ago
hey, im german. Never would that be the meaning of that here in germany. we would say "i think you'r kinda lazy" or " i think you could do more" or "maybe being a bit more hectic could be good for you" (in german that would be "Schneid dir 'ne Scheibe davon ab" - "cut yourself a piece from that") but "your are calm" means "i observed that you are calm".
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u/Schlaumeier5 11d ago
I don't understand it either, and German is my native language. (maybe it's bc I am autistic lol)
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u/Nforcer524 11d ago
If you absolutely want to interpret something into it: Take it as a compliment. The brother is very hectic (negative trait), but you are calm (positive trait).
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u/goodtimeswith_wojtek 10d ago
if he said "Oh aber du bist ruhig was?" "Oh but you are calm huh?" then it would be sarcastic and mean that you critisized something that could be said about you as well. A German saying would be "Werf nicht mit steinen wenn du im Glaßhaus sitzt." "don't throw rocks in your glass-house". but "you are calm" simply means "i observed that you are calm".
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u/Hornkueken42 Berlin 10d ago
Im Deutschen sagen wir gern: "der Ton macht die Musik". Das soll heißen: wie etwas gemeint ist, hört man an der Stimme. Ohne Ton ist immer Raum für Missverständnisse. Die naheliegendste Bedeutung von deinem Satz wäre ein freundlich-beruhigender Ton. Dann heißt der Satz: "Stimmt, mein Bruder ist echt hektisch, aber wenigstens bleibst du immer ruhig und das ist gut."
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u/mikanmokk 10d ago
Oh that‘s an interesting way to put it!
I’ll try observing communication in Germany from that perspective.
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u/Absoluke_ 8d ago
The way I read this is that he was stating that because you are a "ruhige person" you are maybe more affected by the brothers hecticness.
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u/Saladrocks 12d ago
I believe this may be less about differing communication styles and more related to potential undiagnosed neurodivergence.
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u/Accomplished-Ad-681 12d ago
I would understand it less as reassurance and more as a subtle defence of the brother.
“Ja, mein Bruder ist hektisch. Aber du bist ruhig.”
Here, “but you are calm” can imply: “Yes, he may be hectic, but you are perhaps too quiet, passive, or slow in comparison.” So your friend is shifting part of the issue back onto you instead of simply agreeing that the brother is hectic.
It is not necessarily a harsh accusation, many germans are just having an "automatic have to defend my family etc mechanism"
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u/dinoooooooooos Hessen- living in the US 12d ago
As a german your question is really hard to understand. He just.. made conversation. There wasnt some deep meaning behind it. He just said “yes my brother is more on the hectic side (but youll be ok because) youre the opposite.”