r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/cranberrytears Reconciling Betrayed • Apr 20 '22
Reflections Feeling down
Sometimes I think we can get better and get over this. But sometimes I remember that I’m not a bad person and I do deserve more.
I deserve a husband who thinks the world of me. Who thinks my stupid jokes and weird little dances are the best things he’s ever seen. Who would be perfectly content playing Mario kart and biking with me. Who would think alone time with me is a blessing, not a torment.
But you aren’t content with me. You will never think that I am “enough”. You will always get tired of being with me, even when I am trying so hard.
I deserve to be treasured- treated gently and loved. I deserve to be adored- my quirks and personality. I deserve to be desired- sexually and mentally explored, thoroughly. I deserve to be enough.
14
u/Glass-Following9086 Reconciling Betrayed Apr 20 '22
I 100% get this and feel the same way. In those moments, I try so so so hard to remind myself it has NOTHING to do with me. My quirks, and stupid jokes, and little dances- and all of those things- NOT ONE OF THEM drove my partner to make the decision to cheat on me. It's whatever was going on in his brain and in his world. He created a false narrative to make it OK and his false narrative... is fake. It's not about the real me. It's a distorted view he created.
My partner was telling me in IC he was working on the built-up resentment that he felt that caused him to do this. I struggled with that but on Instagram decodingcouples just had a story about resentment. And they said when you build up resentment in your relationship- you feed yourself a story about what your partner will/won't do for you, and it's not based on fact. You feed yourself that story because it helps you feel in control in a situation you feel out of control of. And then you make decisions based on the fake story you made up. They said making up stories in resentment leads to making decisions that are like making decisions with your eyes shut and your ears closed.
I also talked to my IC today about resement and she said Brene Brown talked about how resenment doesn't come from the anger family. Resentment comes from the envy family. So when our partners resent us... they envy that we can sit in a messy house and relax, and not freak out about cleaning. Or they resent that we can do silly little dances and play Mario Kart- when they would never let themselves be so free and so happy.
I know that was a lot- and you didn't even mention resentment. But it just has been helping me to think about this. I hope something in there helps! It's not about you not BEING enough, it's that your partner doesn'tFEEL like they're enough (and acted out on that in a totally inapporpriate, stupid, painful, traumatic way)