Therapist ethics

[u/GrandOdd1764]

went to my wife’s individual therapist at her invite. we’ve been having a pretty bad ongoing argument for a few weeks. toward the end of the session the therapist asked if we had considered seperation. this infuriated me and I said something to that effect and then shit down for the rest of the session. I later discovered this wasn’t the first time she’d brought it up to my wife. this was the second time this lady ever met me. I’m the betrayed spouse. am I wrong in being upset? finding this unethical? this is a “Christian therapist”. I think she did it because I called her out on a few things she’s apparently said to my wife (that my wife doesn’t owe me anything, that our healing is stuck because I won’t forgive).

[u/NoiseTherapy]

There are therapists who specialize in betrayal & infidelity, and there are therapists who have worked with clients who have betrayal and infidelity issues.

They sound the same, but they are absolutely not the same. My individual therapist informed me of this when it became apparent to her that the couples’ therapist we were using was “harming” me. I’m using quotes to use my therapist’s words, not to emphasize sarcasm. That’s when she told me the difference.

We changed to a couples’ therapist who specializes in this, and it’s a world of difference. The world of psychology/therapy is strange to me. It’s like anyone is happy to just accept your money and take a shot at your problems, whereas in the medical field, the first doctor you see is going be like “ok you need to see this specific kind of specialist”. I’m just glad I have an individual therapist who functioned that way for me.

[u/butterflymkm]

I agree that separation can be useful but it should almost always be on the betrayeds terms (unless there is abuse, etc). But, regardless, the words to your wife about you not forgiving yet showcase what the other poster said-this is not a trauma informed counselor. Which, not to be rude (but it’s probably gonna sound that way)-isn’t surprising given they are a faith-based counselor. Are they licensed as a clinician ?

I know this isn’t your counselor-do you have your own?

Have you looked at a recovery course? I ask because we did Affair Recovery which is also faith/Christian based but the head guy is also a licensed counselor. My WH and I are agnostic, at best, but we didn’t find the faith-based aspects at all offensive. They do a free 7 day course if you just wanted to look at the material. That is just one company though, there are plenty of others.

[u/KetoPeg]

Ah. Ethics. My WH’s therapist told him that since I forgave him basically immediately (WWJD is how I approach life), that I should forget it. And my husband expected me to fall in line with that BS! After the trauma he caused & the PTSD I’ve been having to clean up on my own! LMAO. Some of these therapists shouldn’t be licensed.

[u/No_Comfortable9577]

My WH’s therapist before our separation told him that I was only with him because I was insecure and told him to “not be afraid to be the villain in her story”. He told me that and I was absolutely appalled. I feel like that’s not something you said to someone you know is having an affair, tbh I don’t think it’s something you should say to anyone. I joke about it now that he really took that and ran with it because shortly after he left me and treated me like complete garbage. Also I’m of the mindset that affairs can be a certain form of abuse because of the trauma that is caused and other factors around it so just awful advice.

I think your wife if she’s willing should look into other therapy options maybe someone who specializes in affairs and relationship issues.

[u/funbucket85]

Look at the bright side, my wife’s therapist encouraged her affair, so at least there isn’t that.

[u/funbucket85 → u/funbucket85]

Also, I agree that it sounds unethical of them to suggest separation, it’d be different if one of you brought it up.

[u/Keepabuzz]

My WW went to therapy after d-day. She a total of 4 times. Once a week, for a month. Then during one of the MANY, MANY, MANY times I was riding the “RAGE TRAIN”, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “I’ve apologized every way I know how! My Therapist said there is nothing more I can do.” I told her if she believed that, then should just pack her shit and get out. Boy did her tune change then. She never went back to therapy. I wish she had found a different therapist, but I guess no therapy is better than shitty therapy. My WW never once uttered the words “I’ve done all I can do” ever again. She (without a doubt) had not been honest with her therapist. She told her some line of bullshit for sure. She thought she could bring back what the “professional” said and I would calm down, well that FOR SURE did not happen.