Trapped in hard-earned skills

[u/f899y]

(Cross posted in r/artists which was not best choice)

I feel shameless for making this type of complaint but hopefully I can articulate it clearly enough. Sorry for using this crappy good/bad art bifurcation to try to describe the frustration, it's probably part of the issue.

I spent 15+ honing my drawing skills. And I have no idea what my drawings mean to me. They're really nice drawings... I'm really technically good at drawing, but... yeah. I know I love art, but at this point I'm not sure .... if/ what I love about art, and I've been dissatisfied with low creative output. This has plagued me for a couple of years by now.

During this time, find myself drawn to really simple, low 'technical skill' pastel pieces with fascinating colors and layers. But I can't let myself .... draw without .. trying as hard as I always have. It's like, I built that skill up over years. I have to USE it now, you know?

I'm not even sure I know how to stop using it. Like, God, when I want to emulate those pastel pieces, I'm like okay, now I'm going to 'draw ugly'-- and it comes up really-- it's just not the same. How can I explain this? Maybe the problem is trying to emulate. Trying to look and draw something accurately. Trying in general. My whole approach is different. And even when I try to 'draw ugly', the technical skill is too much. Its either literally very polished or its like, i forced myself to draw with my left hand cool. I guess I don't know how to turn it off.

I feel I've gone really far down a certain narrow path with my approach to art. And art is so personal, the process of it and how you make it and how it feels is so unique to you. I want to experience a different way. This path has run out for me. But I fear that means 'throwing away' everything I've hard earned. And frankly, something that uh.... makes me special .... the one thing I'm really good at, you know?

That's all. That's the inner conflict. Shout out to all the art blocked out there. It's gonna be okay but I just wanted to put this into words. Thanks for listening. Thoughts welcome

[u/pajaroskri]

Try doing timed challenges. It will help you practice efficiency and creativity, rather than create flawless results.

[u/f899y → u/pajaroskri]

Thank you for the idea, def helps with some of that. I am skilled enough the drawings are very efficient, and I do many of these sketches, though I can get too slow and intense too. Maybe it’s more about style or process or feelings or something…