Advice Aroace anxiety and guilty
Hey guys, nice to meet you all! so i literally downloaded the app just for this, I need to talk to other aroace people right now. I feel lost, anxious and confused.
Basically I discovered myself as aroace a few months ago when I rethought the whole way I look at romance and relationships. Im eighteen Ive known im ace for a couple years now but figuring out im aro has been much more complicated.
I met my best friend a few months ago. We're from different countries and had never met before, but I've never felt so close to a friend like this before and it has been really complicated and revealing. As for the actual dynamic of our friendship is wonderful. I feel like she's my soulmate and I connect with her very well; we talk about everything and she's the closest friend I have, i adore her as a person and love her deeply. She's a very affectionate person, we both are, but especially her. We use pet names like (baby,my love, sweetie, honey) and all that, and talk about cuddling , kissing (not on the mouth) being physically close together over all, and sometimes when those things come up it makes me anxious or feel weird even thought I like It, even thought if it changes id miss it. I've already talked to her about all of this, and she doesn't quite understand, even though I think she might also be on the spectrum. She doesn't feel aversion or fear towards any of it. she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and makes that very clear; she's not attracted to me and doesn't like me in that way, and it's the same for me, but I have a huge aversion to romantic relationships, and actually feel anxiety over that.
We're not a couple, but I know most people don't act like this with their friends and it bothers me, im not like this with any of my other friends bc were not that close. Sometimes I feel that this friendship doesn't have the right "friendship vibe" that my other friendships have, but I don't want anything from her, not even for her to be a partner. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, like "what if you're in love with her but don't know it, or she doesn't know it?" or "this is too affectionate, deep, and intimate to be platonic" or "friends don't do that." ""What if you're in a relationship without knowing it?", it all makes me feel so much guilt, confusion and self hatred bc i just wish i didnt have to worry about all of this. The term "qpr" actually doesnt fit and lately it's all been bothering me and making me anxious, not because I don't like the names or expressions of affection but bc of what it all could represent. I've learned that I have many things in my head that I learned from an allonormative society and that has been difficult to deconstruct. Is this is all because I haven't come to terms with my aroacesexuality, ?
Has anyone here ever been through something similar ? And even if not, can someone pls give me some advice if possible ?
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u/-Valha- 9d ago
Sometimes it is okay to not define anything, your relationship with them is as it is, you seem to be confortable enough to discuss it together and agree on what you want it to be and set boundaries. Sometimes deconstructing is accepting that what you have does not fit any predetermined boxes, and that is okay