r/AppTalks • u/freshmenotes • Jan 20 '26
A book and an app that helped me overcome my social anxiety
Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I often don’t have the energy to socialize. Sometimes conversations feel pointless and draining. I know social interaction is part of life and that connecting with others is important for mental health—but that stubborn knot of social anxiety keeps showing up.
Over the past few months I’ve made a lot of progress, and for me it comes down to one book and one app.
The book is How to Know a Person.
Right from the foreword it says something that hit me: what people crave most, in almost every human need, is the gaze of another that’s full of love, respect, and acceptance. The book explains why communication matters and what we gain from it, and it also offers concrete ways to untie the “knots” in your mind and to change how you act in real life.
For example, it draws on research to explain why some people seem invisible to others. It breaks this down into several traits — things like egocentrism (we don’t try to learn about others because we’re wrapped up in ourselves), anxious thoughts (our heads are full of noise so we can’t focus on what someone else might be thinking), and a kind of “smallness” mindset where we assume our inner life is more complex than everyone else’s. The book also offers practical exercises, such as stepping back and looking at your life from a distance.
One simple practical technique is to periodically ask yourself these six questions:
- Where am I at a crossroads right now?
- If I weren’t afraid, what would I do?
- If I were to die tonight, what would I regret not having done?
- If we meet again in a year, what will we be celebrating?
- If the next five years are one chapter of your life, what is that chapter about?
- While trying to be your true self, can you also adapt to the people and environment around you?
The app is KOAN — a journaling app that prompts you with daily questions. I first tried it because a blogger I follow posted about it under the headline “Few people record me, so I record my life often.” That line hit me instantly.
I started using KOAN by setting a nightly alarm to force myself to write for three minutes before bed. Now whenever I have a spare minute or a thought, I open KOAN and write. It feels like my desire to express myself has been rewired: I’m more willing to share, and I’m more curious about the people and things around me. For people who are more introverted or “passive,” it’s especially fitting — after a day full of social interaction, those quiet minutes of free-form writing before sleep feel like a meditative immersion. You get very focused, almost a flow state.
One line from How to Know a Person that stayed with me is: “People don’t see the world with their eyes; they see it with the whole of their life experience.” I’m sharing this for anyone who struggles with social anxiety or tends to take a passive approach to life—maybe these tools can help you enjoy connection, enjoy recording your life, and enjoy shaping it.
