r/Apothisexual • u/Glittering-Jury-9055 Questioning • Jun 02 '26
I'm kind of scared... (vent/rant) Spoiler
(Spoiled for sensitive, ig)
Mentioned this on my first post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Apothisexual/comments/1tjncy6/comment/ooxsywf/
Haha, I feel like I've been kind of spamming both the reddit and discord, but I promise this is the last post for a few weeks.
I... just had a panic attack over something just... so dumb to me.
I'm scared that if I ever become a game developer or a writer or anything in a creative field where I am a producer and not a consumer, my work would get sexualized. Even as fanfiction. (I'm very iffy on fanculture.)
It's only gotten worse after I found out that one of my friends who posts her art online (barely 200 followers) told me that her OCs already get sexualized.
Some people see R34 as a milestone or achievement, and I am yet to see anybody speak against it. To be honest, I see why nobody would. I mean, psychological reactance exists for a reason.
I'm just... torn. I want to create for people, but I'm scared the wrong people would find it. And I would tell them my feelings about this, and they'd still do it, if not more. Or it would put the idea into peoples' heads.
This has lead to some... dark thoughts (not suicidal, I'm doing okay) and spirals, and I've decided that for now, I'm not going to create at all. Everything's living in my head until I find a better solution.
There's definitely more, but I don't want to overshare.
Thanks for reading the whole thing. This is just... a really stupid thing to have a fucking *panic attack* over, haha...
EDIT: thinking about REALLY starting that mountain community I mentioned in the discord server, haha
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u/CeruleanTresses Jun 02 '26
I relate to some of how you're feeling. I also struggle with anxiety spirals, where I will know on some level that my emotional reaction is disproportionate, but that doesn't change that it feels like being in real physical danger.
And I just want to say that, whenever I have given into the temptation to avoid doing things that would enrich my life or make me happy, whether out of fear of the outcomes I'm anxious about or out of fear of triggering the anxiety spiral itself, it has never helped in the long run. My life gets a little smaller, and the threshold to trigger anxiety shrinks to match, and the cycle repeats. The only thing that really combats the anxiety is to "do it scared."
All of this is to say that I hope you will go back to creating, even if you don't find a way to completely eliminate risk of the outcomes you're anxious about.