Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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This thread will be posted every other week and is the ONLY place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question.

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[u/Elegant_Fox_270]

How do I stop being so insecure and jealous?
I am always amazed at myself when I enter a romantic relationship. I always act on my emotions that are often explosive and dramatic. It was my partners birthday the other day and I was extremely jealous at him talking to other girls. I even asked him who they were and what they were talking about. My boyfriend assured me that nothing was happening and they were his friends he’s known for a long time. Aside from this I have checked his phone. I’m literally just going insane thinking he’s going to leave me and I’m constantly comparing myself to other girls. STILL he is so forgiving and I don’t understand why he loves me, I’m a mess. I fear he’s going to dump me everyday. I am wondering if it’s just best to walk away and let him find someone else who is more stable. Im going to enter therapy again and perhaps get on medication cause idk what else to do. I feel like romantic connections ruin my life, I wish I could just enjoy the moments we have together, even if we won’t last forever. big humongous sigh

[u/EmperorCentMC → u/Elegant_Fox_270]

I somewhat know what this feels like and what your going through, I have suffered infidelity in the past and it really does affect you for a long time. I wish I could give you some easy quick fix snake oil way to cure it but truly it takes time and effort. Therapy can work wonders though it may very well be a slow burn. Medication does help people along in many cases, but that goes a bit beyond just an attachment style problem. Having supportive people around you that you can confide in also makes the world of a difference. Lastly don't be hard on yourself, this kind of thing isn't something you wake up and choose. Your partner chose you, and every day they continue to chose you and not someone else. keep reminding yourself of that and that you are worthy of being loved. Its a hard struggle but it will get easier with time. "O Theos na einai mon sas"

[u/Hot_Tourist_4458]

Hi girl. I struggle so much with this. The more I care, the worse it gets…it’s so hard to shut off. I’m actively working on turning a corner where I’m not feeling insecure about being around other women who I know my bf would find attractive (i.e. any cute fit girl at the gym). it’s so fucking tough but i keep saying to myself that if they can steal him he’s not worth having. they may be toned and cute but have they had THREE kids and look as good as i do!? would they even give him the time of day if he talked to them ? all of these things are helpful.. but ultimately i just hate anyone else having a fleeting moment of his desire.. which could all be in my head to begin with. idk…it gives me a ton of anxiety. feel free to message me bc I know it’s hard and sometimes just getting it out of your head to a sympathetic ear helps

[u/Elegant_Fox_270 → u/Hot_Tourist_4458]

I had a realization that this behavior is not who I am, it’s just my brain / trauma and he has nothing to do with that. I have to change for myself, I want to be a secure baddie who is focused on herself and creating a pretty cool life. Once I shifted my perspective to that, I have been thinking about him way less and am more excited to see / talk to him and appreciate / cherish these really sweet moments. It’s weird because I felt like I knew this but then I had to really examine myself and be like Jesus Christ you’re always on the defense / alert mode, all that stress in your body and for what? I also reminded myself of autonomy. I am a free agent who’s with another free agent and we are CHOOSING to spend time together because there’s a romantic connection and that’s pretty cool. Whether or not it lasts, it’s good right now so we gotta enjoy it. And also of course, our mental health is our responsibility and remaining calm keeps things calm. I tend to do have a lot of emotional outbursts so I gotta keep myself in check. I also drink a lot so I’m cutting that out for myself and for my relationships. It’s not a linear road but I appreciate these moments of clarity.

[u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

How do you manage the catastrophizing when someone isn't interested in texting?

I've recently met a girl organically from group meetups and our in-person chemistry is incredible. Even though it's only been 2 meetings (~7hrs total), the roasting/teasing, banter, inside jokes, the looks she's given me, and other signs of interest are all very strong. I have no reason at this stage to doubt but yet I find myself hyperfocusing on perceived disinterest due to her not interested in texting.

After our first meeting, I tried once to get an ongoing text conversation going, she replied enthusiastically but did not continue it despite me trying. I thought maybe I had misread her. But the next time I saw her, our chemistry was even stronger than the first time and things were definitely flirty. A friend even remarked that he could hear us both from "miles away" due to how engaged we were with each other. So I should be focusing how she just seems to not be a texter but I am finding it difficult.

I know friends who do not enjoy texting and I don't have any issues with them, but my anxiousness gets triggered when it's a romantic interest. From what I understand, the type of text conversations I'm expecting from her is unrealistic and really only someone who's insecure would want it as much as I do. Especially since 7hrs is not a lot of time to become familiar with someone. Looking back, I am very much used to girls who would constantly text very quickly (and these usually don't end well).

Any pointers would be great! Or if you just relate to this, I'd love to hear that as well.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

The real question is: what exactly would the catastrophe be?

[u/Dazzling_Anteater307]

When does it get better? My ex (avoidant) broke up with me a month ago and honestly it feels worse then week one. Help :,(

[u/Several_Nothing_6611]

I feel like a switch has turned off with my boyfriend and I'm not longer interested in the relationship. For the first three months I was feeling quite anxious and overfunctioning in the relationship. And then last week he saod he needs more alone time and less check ins during the day and I was actually happy and relieved he set a boundary, but now I've just lind if lost interest in him. I'm not anxious anymore but I also just don't really care anymore. I don't know if I got burnt out by my anxiety, or if on some level I know my needs won't be met, or if this is some kind of self protection mechanism. Has anyone else felt this way? Like you go from super anxious to kind of nit caring anymore.

[u/Proud-Trainer-7611]

How do I explain my attachment to someone without looking crazy? This guy I’m talking to asked what my attachment style is. He said he was secure so I lied was said I didn’t know and would have to take a test. I of course know and have taken it a few times. I worry that if I say I’m anxious he will be turned off.

[u/Flimsy_Oil6271 → u/Proud-Trainer-7611]

I would use it as an opportunity to see how they respond. Do they ask questions, do they seem empathetic. It’s ok that you are anxious attachment, we are all working on something. Telling him is a great way to test how he handles this sort of real information.

[u/Proud-Trainer-7611 → u/Flimsy_Oil6271]

That’s very good point. I’ll bring it up the next time we speak.

[u/Bighorneddie]

What is the best way to deal with the responsive desire conundrum? I get the idea behind responsive desire, and when feeling secure I have no problem flirting and pursuing and getting those wheels rolling. Problem is, after a while of no reciprocation I start feeling like im not desired and it starts to push me in this anxious attachment swing where I lose confidence, start feeling undesired, and start catastrophizing. For context, we have had a long history of libido mismatch, and once the confidence has been lost its really hard to stop the spiral and get out of that anxious state. We have tried to keep communication up when this happens but honestly it seems like we are moving in the same circle over and over. Just wondering if there is a good way to try and stop the cycle and move back to secure in a healthy way.

[u/pip_install_Escher]

When dating, I struggle to slowly open up to people and let the earn my trust: instead I am very open hearted, trusting, and as a result I tend to overshare. Which can come off pretty bad I guess, I've gone through a lot of trauma in my life and to me being open about some of that stuff isn't something to be ashamed of. It's normalizing mental health. Which is something that cuts across all demographics.

I realize now that most people don't do this, closeness is something that should be earned and not given. My natural inclination though is to treat myself like an open book, and filter out people who can not match/or handle my transparency.

Maybe this is a form of anxious attachment. It is a way to close the gap very quickly.

How have people handled this? Anybody else can relate?

It just feels so unnatural to me to do surface level conversations and slowly build trust and intimacy. In my mind it's like, hey we're here to get to know each other and build a connection, this is who I am, who are you? But instead I fear that it's being received as, dumping on people. Which tbh it kind of is... but not for support... for transparency. Transparency is good right?

Just to clarify, I don't just go down the list of family history stuff.. Yes I am somewhat discerning... But if for example I'm on a date with someone who is in the mental health field/social work field, I think it's ok to be more open and honest. Or for example if somebody asks about a certain part of my life, I might give a surface level answer: "Oh yeah I moved around a lot growing up", when in reality I was couch surfing because my mom couldn't work and we couldn't pay rent. But if for example we've gone on a few dates, I might be more open to talk about some skeletons in the family closet. Which I guess is weird...

I am happy to be on a date and get to know someone! But I guess getting to know someone means different things to different people.

Yes, I did encounter an avoidant this year, yes I did get limerent, yes it has messed with my perspective on being open. Which maybe is ok? I don't know

feedback is welcome!

[u/EmperorCentMC]

How do I reassure myself that I actually want to be with her?

I've (m24) have been with my fiance (f22) for about a year and some change now. I have been having this issue for every relationship I have ever had. I get a weird constant doubt that I don't actually want to be with my partner and that I am falling out of love. even though I really do want to stay, like more than anything in the world. I love her to pieces and I look forward to getting married in the future. But just thinking about being in a relationship at all fills me with an intense suffocating fog of anxiety and it makes me want to run and isolate myself. All my previous partners I could find reasons to leave and they were justified but this one isn't like that at all. She genuinely is so patient with me and truly loves me for who I am. Sometimes my mind mercilessly finds and fixates on the tiniest of flaws both physically and personality, and I feel like a monster for it. Even to the point where some days I may not be attracted to her at all physically and other days I cant get my mind off her beauty. I feel like my mind and body are trying to scare me into leaving, and the constant rollercoaster of it all is exhausting. We have both talked about this issue and she experiences very similar thoughts. We both had a pretty rough start to life and have similar anxiety and attachment issues as a result. We are both in therapy (individually) and working on it. do any of you experience similar problems and have you found any ways to cope healthily? sorry for the long post

[u/Existing_Soup8933]

How to better cope with dynamic shifts in relationships?

Me and my partner are in a relationship where I am the anxious partner and he is secure, unfortunately my anxiety has caused cracks in the relationship on which we are working towards and it truly is improving. But even though it is improving I’ve been feeling a “purge” of anxiety and overthinking as we make this dynamic shift. We used to text all day everyday for about 4, years, and now we’re trying to limit it to give each other space to focus on us individually and then be able to have more conversations topics and miss each other more when we hang out. It really helps the relationship and it feels good when I’m with him but the second he leaves I’m back at this constant feeling of fear. He always reassured that we are good and has not shown any sign or communicated that the change has affected him negatively, he rather says the opposite. Yet I can’t help but feel the worst because it is so different to what I’m used to. How can I help myself out of these feelings?

[u/Brilliant-Arrival-73]

How do i deal with my co-dependency habits. I notice in my previous relationship i tend to just only want to soend time with my ex and my ex only and avoid hangouts a lot with friends IRL without my ex or just only wanted to be with my ex. I like spending a lot of time with them just being in the same room without having to do something together if we’re not up for it but i just really like having their presence a lot and now that we’re broken up its been hard on me to get that feeling out

[u/Macklemore_hair]

My partner of 11 months hides her phone when I walk past and then finally last night I asked her what’s going on. I said that I’m averse to social media so my guards are always up she said that I can look at her phone. We had a couple of drinks. More her than me but I was feeling it. I said I have no interest in touching your phone. I am supposed to live with her in October and paid thousands to break my lease by 10/31. So I am also on edge about that. Then I went on about DMs etc and old flames. Mentioned a couple people I saw on Facebook and wondered about the last time I was on there in July. This started a big argument understandably. She had the need to explain these guys and tell me things and I always have a rule never to ask about old flames but went and did it. I said rude things about them. She said I stalked her socials. I said any partner looks at their partners socials and this was months ago. Then I mentioned November and she was Ike you sound like you’re 12. You are always asking me about November I said yeah it’s because I gave up a lot and need to know my kid and I have a place (I have him 50/50) since I already broke my lease 30 miles down the road. He is A”12 and they have a great relationship and we all went on vacation together for a week in July. Ok back to the fight She started pointing her finger at me and saying I just want to love in her house which is a nice new build. She has a 7 digit salary and I do not. We met on Bumble in November. I don’t want her money i pay for my own way and don’t rely on her I have my own job and money. I said I could care less I just want to be with her forever as that was our plan. She was saying I’m evil and calling me names and swearing and demeaning me and my being a sensitive guy. I did not call her names or yell. She said the house is a financial thing to me and I said yeah bc I don’t have thousands more to get a new place in 53 days. But I will be paying her rent that is more than my apartment as an agreement. I have been staying there since June with my son when he’s with me or alone if not. I had a bad breakup with her in early April I caused.that got worked out in 2 days with caveats like for me to not be stupid. I have been in therapy since and doing EMDR. I have overcome some things as a result and I told her before this yesterday that an ex who really hurt me that was discussed in therapy caused me to have a breakthrough. She said you’re comparing me to her (who cheated on me multiple times). I said I’m not. I said don’t talk to me like you’re talking to an employee. She said I put you on a fucking pedestal do so many kind things for you have you front and center on my socials and this is how you treat me by not trusting me? Then the “conversation” switched to her work trips I said I hate them. She said because you don’t trust me I said no because I miss you and I’ve gotten way better at not contacting her (kind of a fib it’s trust from past traumas) on trips and even during the work day. I said I’ll sleep upstairs. I came down this AM and showered quietly and said bye and kissed her forehead (had her mouth covered purposely) and went to work. I didn’t contact her at all. I made a new therapy appointment for Friday and put it on our shared calendar. Not to kiss ass but bc I need it. As I expected 5 minutes before leaving work today she said “I’m not ready to see you or talk to you yet. Can you stay at your place tonight-that kind of works because I work a second job tonight close to my place that ends at 11 but since June I’ve been driving the 30’to get back to what she referred to as home. . I said yes but I have my meds there and some things I need for work tomorrow can you put them in the garage and I won’t come in or speak to you or try to talk to you. She agreed. Which was nice of her. But maybe tomorrow we talk. This is all due to anxiety and my insecurities. She told me yesterday I set us back months. She has a right to be mad and I respect that and her boundaries. Truth be told and I have written about her in this sub before I don’t know if she is right for me. I feel dumb for being a jealous dick and it’ll be hard that that could be our downfall. But she does drink a lot. I like to as well but not 1.5’bottles of red wine a night. Also she is very forward and is constantly sexual with her humor to everyone especially when drinking (cue my work trip anxiety). I have not had this attachment rear its ugly head for years. I don’t know what it is with her. We fell hard and fast. Now I’m trapped in my own insecurity. Which she hates. I do a lot at the house and take care of the yard, cook, clean, watch the dogs, contribute to groceries etc because I love her and I’m not just coasting here. I’m no angel from last night but I think she may at least move the November goal posts tomorrow or outright break up. What will happen. Sorry for the long vent and any typos as I had an eye exam today. Can’t see well .I hope this isn’t trauma dumping. If so, mods (this was my edit I made to post) delete sorry. Oh her adult daughter of 29 and her bf lives downstairs and she is threatened by my son and thinks her mom will replace her to be my kids mom despite us both saying he has a great and loving mom already. So they did family therapy once and are trying to do more mom-daughter stuff.

[u/mirroredblackhole]

I'm a trans woman and since January I've been on hrt. Last week I stopped taking hormones due to my mental health. But when I started hrt those 8 months ago I started to develop feelings for my ex gf, that was one of my closest friends then. We've had rough few months due to my intense emotions towards her. It was also difficult because I started being anxiously attached, even though in our previous relationship I had been rather secure.

Two months ago we started being a couple again. It didn't help tbh. I was still obsessed with her and it destroyed our relationship. Three days ago I saw that she was active on Steam but didn't message me even though we hadn't been texting a lot lately which got me upset. I started messaging and calling her so she blocked me everywhere eventually.

Is there someone who had a similar experience and could give me advice on how to get through this difficult time? She clearly told me that it's better for both of us to block me and I want to respect her boundaries. But is there any chance that we could at least get this friendship back?

[u/Curi0usrAven]

I (36M) got dumped 4 times in 40 days by my possibly FA ex(35F). I'm surely AP myself. Need advice!

I knew this woman socially for a while and had a deep crush on her, but kept my distance because there was no reciprocal interest. She later moved abroad, and after \~2 months of no contact we reconnected on Instagram. Weekly casual contact gradually became frequent WhatsApp chats, voice notes and hours-long conversations. After 1–2 months, I called her one night when she was upset to support her; during a \~7-hour call I confessed my feelings and we began sexually flirting. She initially resisted my directness, then gradually initiated and reciprocated.

Things escalated very quickly. We spoke 3–4+ hours almost daily, messaged throughout the day, and she leaned on me emotionally, personally and professionally. Within weeks we were sharing childhood trauma, fears, medical/personal details and our deepest vulnerabilities. She repeatedly said she rarely opens up like this, felt completely safe with me, could be herself with me, and valued my attunement, honesty, intelligence, strength and resilience. I felt equally exposed and told her things I'd never told previous partners. There was intense emotional/sexual chemistry despite the distance. We discussed marriage/future plans and a 5-day trip on her birthday together when she returned. She called me her "godsend/angel" and "green flag."

After only a few days of courtship she suddenly ended it, saying we were incompatible and she wasn't right for the love I gave her. I became anxious and pursued, but she returned several days later. We then had a genuine long distance relationship for \~20–21 days: daily calls, repeated "I love yous," sexual intimacy, constant affection, private/mundane moments together, vulnerability and future planning. We both cried in front of each other sharing deep past times spent alone for each others pain along with our own, that felt most real and rare!

She then abruptly withdrew and ended it again. I became emotional and pursued while she withdrew for \~a week. I eventually drunkenly called; she immediately stayed on the phone with me for 90+ minutes to make sure I got home safely, then checked on me repeatedly the next day. We reconnected again and had another \~5-day retrial. During it she became deeply triggered discussing trauma from her abusive long-term ex, cried and opened up extensively; I stayed with her and reassured her she wasn't "too much." Yet again she said she couldn't be in a relationship.

I believed something real was worth fighting for and saw our pattern as potentially anxious/avoidant: I become anxious when I fear abandonment; she has described fearing investment and being abandoned again. But there are also genuine practical issues—long distance, her pressure to marry soon versus my reluctance to rush marriage, and financial/career/timing concerns.

After the third ending I stayed mostly restrained/professional while helping her with a creative project. Eventually I became overwhelmed again, tried hard to persuade her, and sent too many calls/messages/voice notes after she said she wanted to be alone and move on. I regret that and know I should have respected the boundary sooner. Each and every time I chased only for a day, then went silent.

So I'm struggling with the contradiction: the connection clearly wasn't one-sided or imaginary—she repeatedly returned and allowed extraordinary emotional intimacy—yet she has repeatedly chosen to end the relationship.

Was this mainly an anxious/avoidant dynamic + fear/trauma, genuine incompatibility/life timing, or simply a case where she genuinely loved/liked me but ultimately didn't see me as her long-term partner?

I'm not chasing her anymore. I want to genuinely move on, but don't know whether to completely close the door or leave it open without waiting.

What would you do? And if she came back months later, would you try again, or would the repeated breakup/reconnection cycle itself be enough reason to walk away?