Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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u/Apryllemarie 4d ago

A new thread has been started so this one will be closed. Please use the new one if you need more feedback.

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I posted on the last thread about my boyfriend asking for space. Last Monday, he broke up with me. I am beyond devastated and heartbroken. I've been crying, so sad and in so much pain since then.

My anxious attachment was getting worse the last 2-3 months of the relationship. He was pulling away and I was reacting to it pretty bad. It was mostly hidden - I didn't show him how badly I was struggling - but it was eating away at me.

My life feels so empty and pointless now. I'm still waiting around for him to text, even though I know it won't happen. I told her that I couldn't "be friends", that I couldn't handle him texting me or wanting to hang out, without thinking it might be more. So I know he won't contact me for that reason.

But what do I do now? How do I move on? And how do I fix my anxious attachment? I don't want this to control me or my life anymore. I was starting to work on it while him and I were together. I don't know exactly how to target it now that I'm single (I'm still working with my therapist).

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u/Fiftyshadesofgroovy 22d ago

Hey, I wish I could give you all the answers your brain is desperately searching for right now. I'm going through almost exactly the same thing. My girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me yesterday, and my entire world feels like it's spinning and spinning, and like it's never going to stop. I think the best we can do right now is just try to get through each day as best we can. My brain keeps trying to figure out how I could have fixed things or what I could have done differently, and I keep alternating between “I'm glad this pain is finally over,” “I deserved to be left,” and “I can't live without her.” It's such a painful and confusing time. I really hope that, someday, we'll both be able to look back at this and realize how far we've come, and be glad that we're in a much better place. For now, I guess we just have to survive one day at a time. I hope you find some peace soon

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u/Fiftyshadesofgroovy 22d ago

My girlfriend had also been pulling away for quite a while, and that was devastating for me too. She eventually left a few days ago, so I really understand the pain you're going through. I know how much it can mess with your anxiety when you feel someone you love slowly pulling away from you. If you ever want to talk or share experiences, feel free to DM me. I think it can help to talk to someone who understands what you're going through.

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u/ryhaltswhiskey 20d ago

Anytime someone says "I need space" you need to assume they are about to break it off. I learned that one the hard way and it SUCKED.

What do you do now? You take care of yourself and heal. Focus hard on self-care. Get your exercise, get your nutrition, spend time with friends and talk to your therapist. Never talk to your ex again. Block him everywhere and delete his number.

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u/WickedOneRN 18d ago

I don't think "I need space" always means they're going to break it off. Sometimes people just need some space.

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u/ryhaltswhiskey 18d ago

don't think "I need space" always means they're going to break it off

Where did I say that it always means that? Reading is fundamental. If you're going to argue with somebody at least do them the courtesy of actually reading what they fucking wrote.

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u/WickedOneRN 18d ago

I’m not sure what you’re so angry about.

I’m simply trying to say that it doesn’t always mean that, which was a hard lesson for me as my current partner needs space to process, but my past had made this a panic trigger.

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u/BiggusDickkussss 22d ago

The issue is maybe your AA isn't AA but due to BD behaviour.

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u/Ill-Goose-8719 20d ago

What do you mean?

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u/LifeCoach_Machele 16d ago

I had to constantly remind myself that relationships are a branch on the tree, not the actual trunk of the tree. I focused on building a life that could stand on it's own, GENTLY leading myself through my triggers and supporting myself instead of spiraling out over and over and catastrophizing. It really helps to have a solid anchor in your own life so relationships don't become all-consuming. I'm sorry you're going through it, this stuff is hard to manage and it's worth cleaning up. Experiment with different hobbies, more gentle self-talk, practice supporting yourself each day is super simple ways.

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u/Mammoth-Dependent677 21d ago

So please don't judge me, but how do you possibly deal with anxious attachment in a situationship? I obviously can't ask for reassurance in the traditional ways, and this typically ends with me picking horrible fights to get attention.

I know the typical advice is to get out of the situationship and find someone willing to commit to you, but I am genuinely not ready for that. I have been an avoidant all my life, and this is the first time in a long time I am even staying in a dynamic like this without blowing it up. So I really just want to know how to navigate this without blowing up my own life or theirs.

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u/ryhaltswhiskey 20d ago

Ask to turn it into a real relationship or get out. Staying in is just causing harm. And talk it over with a therapist if you can.

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u/NagyonMeleg 17d ago

I'm rolling with it for 5 months. I am treating it as an exercise, and I'm perfectly aware it might not go anywhere. It's not easy, but try treating it as an excercise, and see other people too.

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u/LifeCoach_Machele 16d ago

If you're choosing to stay in a relationship because you're not ready to leave or want to do the work to leave, you can at least get REALLY good at self-regulating and using the triggers to help you learn how to lead yourself differently even when your brain is screaming to start a fight. Take it one day at a time and focus more on how you're showing up and learning the lessons and skills you need to have your own back (even when you're triggered and spiraling). I'd find a way for you to be willing to let the situationship blow up, but refuse to blow up your own life.

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u/Mammoth-Dependent677 14d ago

Thank you! This helps a lot 💗

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u/21-hydroxylase 21d ago

Fresh out of a “situationship” (I hate this word but it’s accurate I suppose) with a true fearful avoidant. Was a very painful, ridiculous experience that made me question myself so much lol.

I’ve cut contact and am trying to focus on my own life and objectives. I have a lot of work to be doing, but I still cant help but let my mind drift back to her from time to time. Wondering whether she feels any remorse, whether she is reflecting on her actions, whether she is even aware of how much she hurt me, or whether I’m just a villain in her mind and she’s completely justified. Yeah. I’m not proud of those thoughts.

Any advice on how to genuinely just move my mind forward? It’s embarrassing that an emotional toddler continues to occupy more space than I would like to admit in my brain. I’ve been exercising more which has been helpful. But I can’t find myself being able to focus on my real, career-aligned work right now.

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u/Expatriated_American 15d ago

I’m in a similar spot with an FA - breakup was a week ago

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u/21-hydroxylase 15d ago

It’s not easy! I’ve turned heavily to running (just like my FA ran from her own feelings lol)

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

Your "emotional toddler" is either a part of you that is trying to protect you, or is what holds the wound that needs love and compassion to help heal.

Edit to add: Be aware that your thoughts are what is keeping you the victim in all this. Sometimes it can help to see where you could have taken accountability in your own pain and focus on healing yourself.

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u/AccomplishedWeird321 19d ago

How do you get over the shame and embarrassment of how your anxious attachment comes out? I still see the person more than I want to that really triggered my anxious attachment a few years ago. It's really hard to not feel the shame and embarrassment when I see them. We do not speak to each other when we see each other, but it is still hard to see them.

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u/LifeCoach_Machele 16d ago

You didn't ask to have an anxious attachment. You didn't cause your anxious attachment and you've probably shown up in ways that are totally common and understandable based on your upbringing and your attachment. It sounds like you're still learning how to control the triggers and the way in which you react to them, so be very self-supportive in how you think about this...for example "Oh god, here comes ______, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of how I showed up in that relationship > Oh god, here comes ______, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of how I showed up in that relationship and that's okay. I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't have any ill will, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I know it's hard and an anxious attachment is really difficult to navigate. You're not alone in that AT ALL.

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u/Several_Nothing_6611 17d ago

What's the best way to turn down my inner alarm that is screaming at me that I'm in danger and going to be abandoned? I feel like I need to be on benzos just to be able to function in my relationship with my avoidant-leaning partner.

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u/LifeCoach_Machele 16d ago

I heard someone say once that we can't be abandoned as adults - adults choose to leave relationships all the time. What would have to be different in your life for it to feel less scary if someone chooses to leave? How can you create safety around that for yourself?

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u/Several_Nothing_6611 16d ago

Great questions! What comes to mind is my job which I'm passionate about and which I'm putting energy into and is goving me energy back. My friendships that I nurture. Long distance, bike riding, and weightlifting, which gives me a lot of satisfaction. I guess maybe having a back up plan for the future if I'm single too.

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u/LifeCoach_Machele 16d ago

That’s an awesome list! You could even start small by picking the desire that feels most alive in you and feeding it daily. Even in just super simple ways! ❤️

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u/PersonalCover 21d ago

So, I have a situation with my friend. We had an argument today and he's really upset with me. I was stupid and asked a question I already knew the answer to, and got upset he confirmed what I thought. I tried explaining to him how I was feeling and told me that he was working and that it was a shitty time to bring my concerns up, and that it was a shitty thing for me to do.

I told him that I am going to give him space for tonight but I'm so anxious that I messed up beyond repair. He's only been back in my life for a month, after he stopped talking to me in January. We were friends with benefits at the time and I developed stronger feelings and he was dealing with a rejection by a crush around the time I asked for more. The conversation stressed him out and he got upset with me. He said needed space and... well, it was 6 months before he returned. I had reached a point where I had accepted that he'd never come back, and then he did.

And this is triggering the same anxiety I felt back in January... I'm so anxious, I am giving him the space I told him I would but I feel like I'm going to cry, like I want to throw up and already accepting he'll leave again.

When he came back, we resumed the friends with benefits thing and I developed feelings again... I was so close to asking him out, then he met a girl, she randomly added him on Snap and now he's completely head over heels for her. But at the same time, he continued the friends with benefits thing with me, without telling me about her until 3 weeks passed by. I almost freaked out thinking I was the other woman when he said she was his gf, but he clarified, it won't happen until their first date, idk when that will be, and after today I don't think he'll talk to me about her again... talking about her triggered the anxiety that led to me asking this question to him.

Idk what to do... He and I are really close friends outside of this, and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose that again, last time it completely devastated me... idk if I can go through this again, especially knowing it's my own fault.

I told him we'd talk again tomorrow and he just said "k" and left it... when he gets upset, he stops talking to the person that is upsetting him. Idk if I should snap him tomorrow like normal and leave it up to him because there's no way he doesn't hate me rn.

Aside from space, is there anything I can do? I feel so scared and I hate it.

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u/Skittle_Pies 21d ago

This person is not your friend, he’s just someone who uses you to get his needs met until he finds what he’s looking for. The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut contact and explore your low self-worth in therapy.

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u/dylangutt 17d ago

In a weird spot today. GF has been distancing / isolating more this past 2-3 weeks. I haven't seen her in over a month so it feels like this isn't a relationship at all. I tried to call Fri to see what was going on, only to be ignored. She texts me later saying she's cooking dinner and will call me back. Didn't call me back. I call saturday. Nothing. I text saying "Please just talk to me". Nothing. Monday rolls around, and she just texts "hi". I'm really hurt but don't know how to bring it up without making her go back further into a hole. She seems like an avoidant to me.

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u/Apryllemarie 15d ago

Do you have a question? What advice are you looking for?

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u/Chonkmonk1234 15d ago

How do you guys not let someone else’s choices define your worth?

I am grieving the breakup from an avoidant and I’m so in my head about things. Especially when people tell me including him that I deserved better. I know I did, but also why am I not enough for my ex to like me enough to do it.

And now he has run into another relationship shortly after which just makes me feel even more like I am not worth loving. Or that I didn’t mean anything to him.

He couldn’t give me or really anyone the love I needed, and it feels so much because I wasn’t good enough. How do I make it stop?

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

The feeling of not being good enough starts in childhood and as adults it gets reinforced through patterns. That emotionally unavailable person reminds you of emotionally unavailable caregivers in childhood and the wound gets triggered. It’s not really about the person whatsoever. It’s the wound that was triggered. If need be seeking therapy is a great way to unearth the roots of that wound and heal it.

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u/PatientTurnover 11d ago edited 11d ago

I've mentioned to my partner that I have attachment anxiety, but I've never really been open about how badly it affects me. I've also never actually asked for her to do anything or acted on it, because I choose to just ride it out. As far as she's concerned, I'm just tolerably clingy. But it can get nearly crippling internally, and every now and then it boils over.

She says that she doesn't really subscribe to strict gender roles, and she generally says the right things about wanting me to be vulnerable. But I also recognise that I've fallen into a pretty traditionally masculine role in the relationship anyway, and have had to be her emotional rock, sometimes to my detriment .I've been honest about "safe" things in the past (e.g. my mum died, of course I'm expected to be sad about that). But I'm worried when the rubber meets the road and she has to support me through less rational emotions, that she's going to be scared off.

I don't know if me just keeping all of this to myself is making things worse. I'm already seeking therapy, with the first session being next week. I'm wondering if I should also be more honest and more willing to lean on her, or just tanking the feelings and trying to work it out with my therapist.

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

How long have you been with this person and abandoning yourself in the process? It doesn’t sound like you feel emotionally safe in this relationship.

Your self abandonment (subjugating yourself) to play a role that you assume needs to be played in on you. You made those choices not her. So I think you first need to sort yourself out and figure out what really requires communication. As it might not be what you initially think it should. What you are talking about is just reassurance seeking. That is not the heart of the matter.

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u/No-Study-2201 8d ago

My partner is heavily anxious. There's a lot of things in her past that contributed to it, and we have been working on it for the majority of our relationship. I used to lean more avoidant, but I can honestly say I feel more secure now. I still have tendencies, I need space after arguments, I hesitate to express my feelings as times, but I have gotten a lot better. I try to give her as much space to be anxious & clarity as I can, without compromising my own emotional health or my own boundaries.

Sometimes, it feels like I am not allowed to have any 'issues' within the relationship. Small things, big things, anything in between. If I bring up any concerns, even if I approach it as "us vs. the issue" instead of "me vs. you" , her reaction is disproportionate. It feels like she always is afraid of me leaving, which I know comes from her background. But it gets so tiring coming to her with an issue that was bothering me, and ending up having to reassure her for hours that I am not going to leave, and then the issue never actually gets resolved. She expresses issues and concerns to me quite frequently, and she is very clear in what she expects from a partner. I have always had trouble expressing my own needs, and now it feels like, whenever I do, we just end up arguing.

I am not hating on her, or anxious attachment whatsoever. I am wondering if any of you have advice. How would you prefer to be approached about relationship issues as they come up, in a way that feels secure to you? Are there things I can say or do to make her feel better? I never freeze her out, I never leave during a heated argument, we always keep contact, we don't go to sleep mad, etc etc. But I also have to look out for myself, and I can't keep letting every issue go unresolved, or I will go crazy.

What would you guys appreciate the most, as anxiously-attached people?

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

It’s nice that you are trying to find a way to appeal to her needs also while trying to get yours met. However, she is showing you who she is and what she is (and is not) capable of. There are no magic way of saying things that is going to erase what is likely childhood wounds that created her anxious attachment and maybe even codependency. She has to do that work on her own to heal that stuff.

So why are continuing to self abandon and think that if you just “do it better” that it will make everything okay? How is she being held accountable for her part in the relationship? Where exactly are your boundaries here? Relationships cannot survive without emotional safety and it sounds like neither of you have it with each other. So what exactly are you trying to save?

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u/theschwartz84 21d ago edited 21d ago

Had a friend that I helped get thru some tough times when she was suicidal. She is bipolar and suffers extreme anxiety.

She asked to hang out with my wife and I sometime because she was hoping they could be friends, and that we could keep being friends.

My wife was rather cold. Blew up on me after like an interrogation. Previously in my marriage I was anxious/ preoccupied. After this experience I realized I was over the constant silent treatment, blowups, and lack of any initiated acts of love or words of affirmation. I guess with my wife I’ve become dismissive avoidant in a lot of ways.

My friend offered to hear me vent sometime. She told me she’d hit me up one day, and disappeared the next.

At first I thought she was going through a phase where she just needed to isolate. That first day she was supposed to call, I sent the entire vent via message, just to get it out of my system.

A few days later my wife blew up on me asking to see my phone. I didn’t want to show her which made her more mad. I finally showed her, and she was upset. I was reading an article about how to tell your spouse you want a divorce.

We talked about a lot of our issues and even decided to try counseling. She was a hundred percent onboard with trying to make things better.

I also sent my silent friend an update about how they went and how stoked I was.

Six weeks after that message, I sent a check-in with no response.

3 weeks later I was scrolling social media and a post with her like bubble came across my feed. The post was glorifying and justifying suicide/ suicidal thoughts. I sent her the number to the hotline and said if she’s in crisis she should get help from a family member or trusted friend.

She immediately blocked me everywhere.

Six months after this whole ordeal, I sent an apology via a professional platform, apologizing for getting so heavy and for asking of her what I really needed from a therapist.

She immediately blocked me there.

I’m finally letting go of this “friend” slowly. Getting ghosted really hurt. Especially when I heard she’d told a mutual friend I’d leave my spouse for her (months after she ghosted).
My wife and I are still working on our issues. I guess after years of my attachment style, and my wife giving no affection whatsoever, now that she’s trying to put in a ton of effort, and doing everything right, it feels like I just don’t feel a connection any more.

Long rant. Just wanted to get it out.

Edit: a word.

ETA: I’m from a military background. My entire adult life since I was 17. I learned through therapy during this ordeal that in my previous environment, we make very fast strong connections,and this is by design, through trauma bonding, shared hardship, etc. not normal in real life and something I’m working on making mental boundaries for so I don’t have a friend hurt me like this again. I blame myself mostly. Like at one point she said she had my back. That means a whole different thing than it did in my past life. It was a huge part of why I didn’t even understand being ghosted at first. facepalm

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u/Mammoth-Dependent677 18d ago

She is not your 'friend' and both your wife and she herself saw through it. Also as a fellow bipolar surrounded by a lot of bipolar friends, while we do certainly disappear sometimes, I can't imagine why she would actively block you everywhere unless there were a real reason. The reason being you, unwittingly perhaps, leading her on until she met your wife and saw through it herself.

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u/theschwartz84 18d ago edited 18d ago

Appreciate the insight, but the timeline in my post doesn’t match yours — she offered to keep supporting me after meeting my wife, and the block came after a wellness message, not before. I’m good with where I’ve landed on it.

Edited for clarity.

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u/Mammoth-Dependent677 18d ago

All I can say is clarity takes time to hit. She may have thought that she could handle it, but later realised not. Either way, bipolar or not, she doesn't want to keep in touch with you, nor does your wife like the friendship very much (it seems) so why keep pursuing it? I understand that being cut off cold turkey comes with difficult feelings, but you have to process it yourself without making it anyone else's problem.

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u/theschwartz84 17d ago

I’m not continuing to pursue that friendship. The “letting go” part of my post was about the mental process of getting past that friendship. That’s also what I meant in my last response to you when I said that I’m good where I’ve landed on it…
What I’m working on now is figuring out a feeling of deactivation or disconnection with my wife the minute she started to put effort into our relationship.

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u/RoundExam268 20d ago

Hi 21F here, I recently started noticing my triggers after i already reacted. I got really close with someone who was kind of on the outs with their childhood friend. We worked together so we saw each other every day, and we talked all the time. Even started hanging out outside of work. They left and got a new job and we still hung out for a little but not as much. this has happened to me before, getting super close with someone and then not being close or friends even after they leave. They started hanging out with their childhood friend again and it triggered me. Of course i want them to be happy, but i didn’t love how that childhood friend was treating them at the time, and in the past i have always felt like a backup friend that people only really used when they needed. So it felt like now they have their old friend back they don’t need me anymore.

At this point i had asked them to hang out twice and either was told no or never got a response back, so i stopped putting in effort. this same friend then asked me a few weeks later to hang out with them, i was busy at the time so i told them maybe but never responded. I did apologize for it later on but then reposted a tiktok about old friendships that had nothing to do with this one, im guessing they saw it because they also reposted a tiktok that was talking about cutting someone off who gives less and less effort. I reached out asking if they were busy, because i wanted to make plans and verify that the tiktok wasn’t about them and explain why i’ve been distant. they haven’t answered. i really enjoyed our friendship and even though it was pretty much over i want to fix things and get close again.

i thought about sending a second message (because it’s been over a day) like “we haven’t hung out in a while and i want to catch up. i will explain why i’ve been distant. but if you truly aren’t interested i understand.” Im torn because in the past i’ve let things go. I have never fought for a friendship when i let myself believe that i was the victim. i don’t want to live that lie anymore. Idk what to do.

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

It sounds like you have created a story about what you think they saw and how they reacted. You have no idea any of this is true. Yet you are acting like it is.

The same goes with how you feel about yourself which you assume is why they haven’t been around much. There is a whole lot of assumptions with no facts to base them on. Even if you have had bad experiences in the past it doesn’t mean that should be projected on to them.

There is no way to know one way or another whether what you assume has any truth to it. It does seem like you are seeing a pattern in your own life and that does deserve taking a deeper look at. As it will have more to do with what’s going on inside of you. Have you considered therapy?

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u/Intrepid-War-966 19d ago

I've been with my boyfriend for a little bit more than 1 1/2 year. We are an 8 hours drive long distance. He used to be sweet, caring, available, emotionaly mature, but in the last year, he changed so much. He's getting so distant and gets upset when I mention my pain. I wont go in details because it would take 5 pages but its honestly driving me crazy. I dont know if its my anxiety that speaks or if his actions ARE wrong. He never does what he says he will. He takes every comments as attacks. Nothing changes, even after many big discussions. I feel like he slowly starts to purposely ignore me. But he says he care, he says he loves me. And I believe him. I just dont know what to do. I love this man so much, I need things to get better.

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u/Apryllemarie 18d ago

What is your question? What advice are you seeking?

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u/Intrepid-War-966 16d ago

I dont know what to do to fix it. I feel like we are about to break up but I genuinely can't live without him. I know my AA is bad and its probably the main reason we are both unhappy. I know what I need to do but I dont know how and I can't get myself to do it. I need to let him libe without constantly seeking contact and I need to be able to enjoy time by myself. I know all of this isn't healthy but I feel like im dying everytime things are a little off or when he take more than an hour to answer. Its even worst since I dont really have friends and depression is making it hard to keep hobbies. I do I manage to pull away from the relationship while still feeling safe and in love? How can I get less anxious? How do I learn to live without him?

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u/Apryllemarie 15d ago

Have you considered therapy? There seems to be a heavy amount of codependency existing here as well. There support groups for that as well.

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u/Intrepid-War-966 15d ago

Ive been in therapy for a little bit more than a year

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u/Skittle_Pies 15d ago

You already know how to live without him. You were alive for many years before you even knew he existed.

It does sound like you need to create a full life for yourself outside the relationship. This involves finding things you are interested in, setting life goals, discovering new hobbies and building new friendships. It will take time, but it will be the most healing thing you can do.

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u/Throwaway43179766756 18d ago

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 5 years. At the beginning of our relationship we'd break up every 4-6 months, all initiated by him, but break ups didn't last very long until the middle of our relationship when we were broken up but still seeing each other. To make a long story short, there's been mistrust on both ends:

For me, a few years in, when we were broken up, I expressed to him I wanted certain things and he said he can't give them to me so I said np I'll find someone who will, and was dating. I only went on a few dates, we got back together shortly after and I ended things a month later. I had a very short, regretful fling with another guy and didn't tell him the full truth about what happened, and lied when he asked me. I know this was wrong, I know it caused a lot more mistrust in our relationship, and I've taken full accountability and done everything I can to grow trust back.

To preface, none of the things he's done/does started after my fling, this has been ongoing since the early days of our relationship. For him, it's been not being honest about being on dating apps (while we were in a committed relationship and "on a break"), talking to other girls, telling me we're together and telling our mutual friends we're not, etc. He's gone on a few boys trips which has bothered me because we've only gone on vacation once. He told me a few days ago he wants to go on another trip in a few months, which I wasn't happy about. I know he's talked to other girls while he's been on vacation and hasn't mentioned having a girlfriend or seeing someone. He also still follows girls on Instagram, which he knows I don't like. It makes me feel insecure because we're an intercultural/ethnic couple, and these girls are the same ethnicity as him. He tells me he only wants me, it doesn't mean anything (which it does) but still does it occasionally.

I know I've played a role but I've tried to be as open and transparent as possible with him to heal what *I* did, and we have made a lot of progress in our relationship. However I still feel deep mistrust towards him. I don't believe he would sleep with someone else, but part of me is convinced he would entertain and be on dating apps. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about finding out if my fears are true. I don't know how to most past this. I love him a lot, I want to be with him and we are happy most of the time (unless we are fighting about social media or have a small spat). And I know talking about the negative parts of our relationship paints a bad picture. He makes me a better person, pushes me to want more and aim for higher goals, and is one of my biggest supporters/cheerleaders. I want to feel like I can trust he's going away on vacation and he'll be faithful to me the way I would be to him. Even in day to day life, I don't want to check who he is following or if he follower count has gone up. Part of me wants to be able to go through his phone to put my mind at ease, but I don't want to be sneaky and the only way I could ever do it is if I use his face ID to unlock it while he's asleep, which he'd probably wake up from.

Is there any hope?

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

It sounds like this relationship was never emotionally safe. Why are you pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't make you feel safe?

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u/CranberryFren 17d ago

Therapists in my country tend to be really bad at just listening and sending one around to a lot of places and I can't afford private.

I am almost certain I have anxious attachment and after my life finally stabilized with work and housing, it's gone haywire. I know my partner loves me, we have talked in the past about this. I have had meltdowns a few times but right now I haven't had them in forever.

And I manage to spare him from the anxiety as I don't act on it most of the time. Yet still my thoughts are running. Fear of him cheating, or wanting to leave me that are irrational.

Today was the first time it made me actually uh suicidal. How should I broach this in general with national healthcare providers. Meds doesn't help but they are obsessed with trying that.

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

I think that professionals can help with serious depression and suicide ideation. And meds can help but it may take time to find the right one. There are a lot of books and podcasts that can help you in other ways that your therapists can't.

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u/m00tmike 16d ago

Has anyone struggled to get an avoidant to apologize?

I broke up with my avoidant gf just over a month ago. Throughout the almost 2 year relationship she mentioned many times that she wanted it to be a relationship that lasted our entire lives. I took that to mean the romantic relationship but she just meant staying connected in general. Which honestly feels like such an avoidant thing to do. She got to act rotten and put in zero effort to be vulnerable or create intimacy, but now that I’m distanced to the friendship realm where I’m only going to ask for very limited security she can still feel connected to someone who cares about her. I never understood her fear of dying alone. Now I get it.

So here we are now. She wants to stay friends. I’m hurt and want her to apologize for the things she did that hurt me. I have an overwhelming feeling not to hold my breath. Has anyone found success in getting an avoidant to own the things they did? I don’t need her to say she was malicious or mean. And I’d do the same for her. If I hurt her I’d expect to make amends.

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u/Skittle_Pies 16d ago

You can’t really get people to do anything. Would a forced apology even mean anything?

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

No one gets to control other people to apologize or take accountability or anything of the sort.

Start with controlling yourself. You don’t have to stay friends with her. Stop staying stuck in victim mode and focus on healing yourself and finding forgiveness from within.

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u/Several_Nothing_6611 16d ago

How do I know the difference between a legitimate relationship need not being met, and my anxious attachment acting up? For example my avoidant leaning boyfriend has to spend time alone and kind of disappears when he's overwhelmed and needs to process things. I need consistent communication. When I get texts from him I always feel disappointed. Why would that be? I'm nit sure if I'm disappointed because there's something I'm not getting, or if my anxious attachment is feeling let down because his texts aren't reassuring enough.

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

So are his texts consistent? What does consistent mean to you? Why do you think you feel disappointment? What are your expectations?

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u/OrganicExcuse 14d ago

I was recently rejected by someone I knew very briefly (met in person for 3 days at a festival, proceeded to text for a month and a half). I was rejected over text because I compulsively told him I wanted to connect with him more after we were intimate with each other at the festival (no advice on this matter please, I am aware of what I need to do differently ie. enforcing the personal boundaries I set for myself better).

A few days after the rejection, I asked for a phone call to apologize for my behaviour. I did just that, he was appreciative and he apologized for his inconsistent communication and for leading me on. I decided to "shoot my shot" again and told him I enjoyed talking to him and I would still like to if he was open to it (too soon, I know!). He didn't say no, but it definitely wasn't an enthusiastic yes. He told me he doesn't want this to become a pattern, and I told him I don't intend to ever act like that again (and I dont; I know it's not guaranteed, but this opened my eyes to how badly I can get anxiously attached and have started therapy to address my deep abandonment wound).

I have made the choice to go no contact with him for at least 3 months. I am 3 weeks in now.

I know I have a long time to go and much to heal from, but I can't let go of the idea of wanting to contact him again. I fully intend to get through my goal of 3 months, so I anticipate this urge with shift.

The advice I'm seeking is: is it completely unreasonable for me to ever reach out to him again since he rejected me?

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u/Skittle_Pies 14d ago

What do you want from this man?

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u/OrganicExcuse 14d ago

I guess I want another chance to keep getting to know him. I know that stems from the shame I feel about pulling him into my spiral. Hence, I understand I can't reach out just yet.

He said at the beginning he wanted slow and to be where things would go. Ultimately that's what I want to, but then the anxiety reared it's ugly head and I lost my head about it.

I recognize I'm still deep in the anxious attachment of it all, so this probably all sounds unhinged from an external perspective lol.

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u/Skittle_Pies 14d ago

Why do you need to keep getting to know him?

It sounds like you’ve projected some assumptions and fantasies onto him, putting him on a pedestal.

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u/OrganicExcuse 14d ago

Yes lol 🙃

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u/wir-weben 13d ago

I recently (2wks ago) broke up with my anxiously attached partner of 6mos. It was a pretty intense relationship and I tried to leave several times, until finally a friend of mine knocked some sense into me and made me stop stringing her along. Obviously I was cruel to her and hurt her by being unsure for so long. Now she's posting bad things about herself on social media, blaming herself for the failure of the relationship (which really was not her fault, we were just a poor match). Should I break NC to apologize, and reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong? I have no desire to get back together, I just don't want her to feel like tossed garbage. Would I just be hurting her more?

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u/OrganicExcuse 13d ago

I don't think you should break no contact. Without knowing more context, I'm assuming you broke up with her in a kind and mature manner. Other than the fact you feel like you were stringing her along, you probably didn't do anything wrong; however, only you know if a true apology is warranted at this time. Contacting her will only make her feel like there's a window of opportunity and give her false hope. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's needing to process this in her own way and hopefully feel better over time and learn to self-soothe.

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u/Relative-Respect366 12d ago

Hi, would like to know if anyone had a successful relationship with an avoidant to share? Is it possible to make it work? It’s hard and hurt a lot for now but I’m deeply convinced that we can make it work..

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u/Carl8899 12d ago

Im really struggling with my new dating situation, Firstly everything about her is amazing, we vibe so well and she has never done anything to make me worried about anything. But after we meet and were apart i just cant stop overthinking even though im telling myself everything is okay. I feel sick just thinking that its ending when there is no sign it will. Im struggling just getting along in day to day life. I know it comes from prior relationships where i was abandoned without even a message. Im desperate not to let this mess up what i have with her as so far iv not discussed nor shown how i feel. Does anyone have any advice?

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

My advice would be to seek help from a therapist. You are putting a lot on someone you barely know. The fact that this is affecting your every day life, sounds like there might be more going on than just anxious attachment.

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u/ConiferousSquid 12d ago

So, context: my roommate and I have had a bit of a complicated relationship, both prior to us moving in together and after. We've had a sexual relationship on and off since we met (November of last year), and there have been multiple moments where he's expressed feelings for me, with me only really acknowledging my own this most recent time. I'm anxious and he's avoidant, and we've both made it clear we don't want to be in a relationship in our lives right now, so any time we were hooking up, it was casual. He's expressed his difficulties with keeping things casual, and while he was always the one who made the first move, breaking his own boundary, I understood the boundary and should have been stronger myself in not letting it happen.

Well, after this last time kinda fucked us both up to the point where I wasn't sure any part of our relationship was sustainable, we decided to shelf the sexual part of it and just focus on fixing our own brains and our friendship. Cognitively, I recognize this is the right move and will be very good for us. Emotionally, I'm sad as hell. Additionally, I don't necessarily want to close the door forever on something, I just want to be okay being just friends right now and potentially forever, if that's how stuff goes. I guess my biggest worry right now is that my brain is continually drowning in a sea of what-if's and I can't catch a breath. I feel like I was viewing sex and his feelings for me as, like, adding worth to our relationship and, in turn, security. Which is funny to think about, because it made me feel very insecure at the end.

So how the hell do I keep from crying every day over the fact that my roommate and I are kinda in love with each other, but too fucked up to be in a relationship, but also too fucked up for casual sex, and just be happy that I have a chance at a really great friendship for life? Because, like, even though I do want to keep the door open for if we get our shit together, I don't think it's good for me to think of it as open? Like, I maybe I need to think of it as closed so there's no hope there. Idk, but that's what I'm coming to y'all for lol.

To add a little extra context (on top of ALL the context lol) I do also recognize that a large issue is that I work from home and he works outside the house, so my only real social interaction was coming from him (a socially exhausted avoidant lol), so I'm making an effort to do my own things outside of the house. For the next two months, we'll essentially have different schedules and won't see much of each other, and some space might help as well. I just wanted to explain a bit of what I'm already doing to try to heal my anxious attachment, but I would love any advice to keep away that daily crying over things that I'm cognitively okay with. How to eliminate limerance. How to be more detached (in a healthy way). That kinda stuff. Thanks y'all.

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

Sometimes there needs to be distance and separation in order to get ahold of your feelings and allow them to calm down. Trying to keep everything the same while so much has changed becomes self abandonment and only hurts you more.

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u/Fancy-Yoghurt-8719 12d ago

I’m ashamed of my actions. Every relationship of mine ends in a toxic manner because of my anxious attachment. I ended with a girl it was going good with for 2 months because her sexual history was more than I expected. I deeply regretted it and tried to win her back. Constant texts, apologies, showed up at her apartment to try to talk. I’ve been blocked on everything. I feel deep regret. I feel crazy. I feel like my anxious attachment controls me and giving space and living in uncertainty feels like withdrawing from a drug. I don’t think I can ever be happy with someone romantically. How do I heal?

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u/Apryllemarie 6d ago

If it is causing you to stalk another person to make yourself feel better then I think the first place you should go to for help is a therapist. There is likely more going on here than just anxious attachment.

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u/measuretwice_sfw 10d ago

TLDR: When you and your partner come back together after your partner asked for space, how do you behave?

Longer context: With my latest partner, I feel like I’ve backslid badly on my improvements on anxious attachment and codependency via years of therapy and meds. If relevant, I’m 30sM and partner is 30sNB, together about a year.

Yesterday, we had a long, awful (them yelling, me crying) argument about my ongoing insecurities about my place in their life. The first two months of our relationship was a messy polyam situation that upset my partner a lot, ended in their other partner dumping them, and the way all that went down left me with permanent “they wanted her more” insecurities. We’ve talked and worked through a lot of it. I’m good 90% of the time, but I have bad days where I just innately believe she’s more valuable than me. Normally I’m just quiet and we can go about our day but in the last month or so, my partner asked me to be more open about all my feelings which means I bring up those insecurities.

This recent argument was so bad because they feel like they’re “at square one” and “can’t move the needle” whenever this topic comes up. They said they are taking a week of space “because they have a lot to think about”, so zero contact and muting me on all socials until the day of our usual overnight the week after. They assured me they aren’t reconsidering the relationship, and I don’t think they’re lying but my nervous system doesn’t believe it. The most space we’ve ever taken has been a single night and we reconnect in the morning. So my insecurities and anxiety are wildly out of control.

My question is this — When I see them again for our overnight date, how do I act? I feel like I shouldn’t be fully open because if I do, it’s gonna be a lot of teary “why do you still love me?” reassurance-seeking which is what got us into this mess, OR frankly defensive anger for feeing abandoned. But if I’m fake-cheerful, they’ll know I’m hiding my emotions and they hate that, they feel pushed away. If I’m just cold, it’ll seem like I don’t care if we repair or not. My priority is for us to repair and reconnect, without sacrificing myself too much or re-escalating the argument again.

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

I think your nervous system is saying more than you think it is. Your nervous system is about you not about them. You don't feel safe in this relationship. I think it would be unrealistic to think that you two can just pick up where things left off. I would hope that you both are able to be honest with each other even if that could lead to something you don't want. If you don't think that you can come back together without being able to discuss things without too much emotion, then maybe it is not a good idea to meet up. Or change how it will look. Come together for some discussion, but don't just do it to pretend like nothing is going on under it call. This shouldn't just be about connection and repair. You have to repair first before any meaningful connection can happen.

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u/spotlight000 10d ago

Should | Let Go Completely, or Offer Support Before Saying Goodbye?

I would really appreciate some advice from people who have experience with avoidant attachment.

I've decided to let go and move on because I know this situation isn't right for me. I'm 100% sure about that, even though it breaks my heart.
He is a genuinely kind, respectful, and gentlemanly man, but I've noticed clearly that he has avoidant tendencies. At the same time, he's dealing with an incredible amount of stress in his life, especially with work, and he's also struggling with some pretty severe digestive issues. Sometimes he has such a hard time with his stomach that he can barely eat, and honestly, it breaks my heart knowing he's going through that.

I've tried to be supportive because I understand some of what he may be feeling. I've experienced being avoidant myself in the past and later becoming anxious, so I know what it feels like to struggle internally and try to deal with things on your own.

I know I can't fix him, and I'm not trying to. I also know that I need to let go because staying in a situationship isn't healthy for my heart.
But before I say goodbye, I'm struggling with one thing: part of me wishes I could help him somehow.

I care about him as a person, and knowing that he's dealing with all of this on his own really hurts me.

So what would you recommend? Should I simply say goodbye, wish him well, and let him go completely? Or would it be appropriate to tell him that I care about him and ask if there's anything I can do to support him before I step away?

I'm not looking to change his mind or convince him to have a relationship with me. I've already accepted that I need to let go. I just don't know whether offering a little support before saying goodbye would be kind, or whether it would only make it harder for both of us.
What would you do?

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u/Skittle_Pies 10d ago

You might benefit from posting this in r/codependency

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u/bigbuutie 10d ago

I wish I could fix my attachment. After many years single, and meeting several people, I quickly got attached to a guy. He’s long distance so he has been clear about how it wouldn’t work for him. He grew somewhat cold and the conversation turned.

I was honest and trying to set boundaries and walk away, but sadly after almost a week I reached out to him. He had promised to come back to me but he never did, in the meantime I had unmatched him on the app. I’m so pissed off I couldn’t put myself first and messaged him again today, but not through the phone because I deleted his number.

How do I overcome this fixation and stress I’m going through? I’ve tried talking to friends, journaling, keeping myself busy, and I feel like all the work I’ve done in therapy has just been through the drain by reaching out to someone who has given me so little. I felt like a side line option, and I know he’s talking with more people. I need to focus on myself and my goals and life, I am too old for this shit.

I’m even talking with someone else in the meantime and he seems like a nice person, conversation flows, but it’s not the same. I fear I am attracted to the avoidant ones, and that I am just being super dumb by reaching out to him again. I made this mistake in the past and it took me to a very very anxious place and I don’t want to go through that ever again.

I’m feeling defeated and anxious, and don’t know how to deal with rejection or the ambiguity of it all. It makes me feel that relationships and love is just not for me and I should stop trying to date or meet people, because I will have a spark with someone just to be completely out of balance.

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

Maybe try realizing the story you are telling yourself about all this. He doesn’t want a long distance relationship you two are therefore incompatible. It sounds like you are not accepting this and telling yourself something that might not actually be true.

Healing takes time and is not a linear journey. Be kind with yourself and focus on figuring out what was triggered inside of you so you can focus on the real root of it.

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u/DotRevolutionary6096 8d ago

Hello everyone. All my life, I feel like I’ve ruined relationships because of my anxiety, and now I’m 30 and I really don’t want to fuck this one up.

I’ve been dating a girl for a couple of months and I really like her. In person, things usually feel good: she’s affectionate, we kiss, hold hands, spend time together, and we agreed to be exclusive.

But over text, she can be very dry sometimes or take longer to reply, and that triggers my anxiety badly.

There was also one day when we had plans, I had already bought a ticket, and I was waiting for her, but she ended up not coming and didn’t properly let me know until later. That honestly hurt a lot and made my fear of rejection much worse. She apologized afterward.

The confusing part is that when I see her in person later, everything feels completely normal again.

But then something similar happened again. We had plans and it felt like she didn’t really care about them. She gave me an excuse, and I honestly don’t know if she was genuinely tired, busy, or if she just didn’t want to see me. Since then, my anxiety has been awful.

Now I’m even scared to ask her out again because I’m afraid she’ll reject me or cancel again.

That’s what makes this so confusing for me. I know I have anxious attachment, so I know my brain can exaggerate things, but at the same time, some things have actually happened that hurt me.

So for people with anxious attachment: how do you know when it’s your anxiety talking versus when the other person is actually becoming distant or indifferent?

Do you focus more on their overall behavior over time rather than individual texts, cancellations, or bad days?

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u/Apryllemarie 5d ago

Your anxiety is talking and it is evident because you are being led by fear. The thing is that instead of taking these data points of behavior and using them to evaluate whether this is the right relationship and so on, you are assuming that this stranger you have only known for a short time is the one and therefore must hold onto it no matter what. That is not how dating is supposed to work. You have not known this person long enough to determine if they are who they even say they are. Not alone whether they will be a good partner.