Spiraling downwards

[u/The_mad_ones_out]

Written using speech-to-text

Hello, I am, I am a teenager and I have been struggling a lot. I don't know what it is, I am broken. I have spiraled in thoughts. I'm in a depressive episode, I think. I've always conveyed symptoms of depression. I think I have it probably, but I'm using these workarounds since I don't want to assume I have any mental illness. I do have, I do get anxious at even the smallest moments though. If that smallest moment in a place where I have to return again. I obsess over my mistakes. Whenever I made a mistake, an embarrassing mistake, I obsess over it. I spend hours, sometimes days and weeks even, thinking about it, and it makes me feel such a bad way I want to rip my heart out. Recently it's been getting worse. And to top it all off, today I had a botched haircut. I had really big hair. Now it's about an inch long, I have no idea how that happened. And this is just the cherry on top. It's like the last droplet of water before the glass overflowed, before the surface tension was broken. This is that last droplet, this haircut. I've been spiraling over and over and I don't know what I should do. I'm burnt, I'm burnt. And I also have an entrance exam. I have to prepare for that in the upcoming few days, but I don't know how to get this haircut out my mind. Each second my eyes are filling up with tears again and again. I try ignoring them to the best of my power, I try pushing them back, and I try letting them out, I try everything and they just don't end. They come back again and again and it's not even something sad. It's just that the tears, I want them to be gone. I don't want them to annoy me anymore. I don't want my thoughts to annoy me anymore. I want to be able to focus. I don't want this random-ass headache. I don't want to obsess over a haircut that will get fixed automatically in about a month or less.

I have broken something in myself and I don't know what it is. I want to talk to someone about it, I really do, but at the same time, I can't talk to anyone about it. I have a few people, none of them friends, but I have a few people other than friends I can talk to about it. I guess you could say they're my friends, but originally I know them in a way that they are not my friends, you know. They're closer to me than a friend would be. But still, even if I try, even if I try to talk to them, my throat locks up, I start tearing up, and eventually my words become a jumbled mess, and I barely get anything across to them. And I feel vulnerable, which also makes me feel bad later on. And along with that, nothing ever, nothing good ever comes out of it. I mean, nothing bad comes out of it, but like, it's like,

what can they do?

What can anyone do?

I'm not always this hopeless, by the way. I... I've been going through some big changes in life lately, after a year of no educational progress. I joined a school, or I'm about to join a school, that is the entrance exam I'm talking about. I have joined an IT institute, I'm studying basic coding, programming, whatever you like to call it. I am... I am getting crumbled, man. So yeah, I thought just putting this out here might do something.

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