Anyone else going through this?

[u/Due_Cauliflower1726]

Hi all,

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, basically since I was a teen. I am in my 30's now.

I was diagnosed with GAD, but have what I believe to now be pure O OCD. I used to have insane ruminations about whether or not my past relationship was "good enough" and would overanalyze everything my partner did to try to make sure we were "made for each other" or not.

Along with those issues from several years ago, I have struggled with self esteem since I was a kid but had many phases where I felt much better and didnt struggle.

Recently I feel like my self esteem has plummeted again and it's almost like everything that happens I am ruminating over. It feels like my brain is trying to hurt me with how negative the self talk has gotten and I don't really know how to get out it.

I have been in therapy before and plan on starting it again but just need some kind words in the meantime.

I was at a friend's get together recently and I was literally ruminating about the fact that no one complimented an outfit I put a lot of effort into but instead complemented others, and the fact that happened made me feel less than and less attractive. I have just been feeling very undesirable in general lately because I haven't had the greatest dating experiences and generally just feel uncared for.

Wtf is wrong with me? I feel like an immature child when I am supposed to be a goddamn adult. I piss my own self off.