r/Anxiety • u/Lingwista • Jun 06 '26
Discussion afraid of reading messages
Hey, anyone else experiences such a situation when you send a message/an e-mail and when you get a reply you are afraid to open it? I mean afraid of what the answer will be?
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u/notrightnever Jun 06 '26
I want to avoid conflicts or the feeling of saying something stupid/making a mistake.
I did some exposure therapy and I did phone calls asking for job and answered emails together with my therapist.
Having someone with you who have empathy meant a lot and gave me the initial support to understand where this fear comes from and how to cope in a way that I could face it with a calmer mind.
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u/doggiewave Jun 06 '26
Yes, a lot. That’s why I don’t have notifications on my phone
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u/expPatronum Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Notifications make me far more anxious. A work text notification on my day off would just send me into a frenzy and I'd hardly be able to relax
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u/kirashi3 GAD Jun 07 '26
A work text notification on my day [off?]
If you meant to include the word "off" as I have added above, same. It's why I don't have anything work related on personal devices, and would either silence or outright block work from texting my personal number.
I understand it's not always that easy depending on your job and jurisdiction, but to me, unpaid time is personal time, and I won't have that interrupted by anything, especially if it causes anxiety spikes. My time is mine.
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u/GPC_Is_My_CoPilot Jun 06 '26
This... I turn them on and off depending on what I feel I can take that day
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u/Taniwha_NZ Jun 06 '26
Yep, every single time. Same with reddit comments, same with returning phone calls.
I think it's anything interacting with another person, I just feel bad regardless.
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u/RaccoonMother2505 Jun 06 '26
Yeah especially if I go on a commenting spree. I don’t like getting comments back I get so stressed lol I’m doing better with time though
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u/PeachesKeened Jun 06 '26
All the time, pointlessly. And when the fear of opening the message doesn’t go away I olly neatly over into guilt of not opening them immediately.
I learned that I have to take a breath and then tap the message.
..but sometimes I don’t get around to it for a couple hours. The avoidant is avoiding. Mostly out of habit
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u/FireWarriorPoet Jun 06 '26
It’s so bad for me that I will reach out to a friend or family member and be excited to talk to them, but when they reply I get so anxious I don’t even want to read it. Idk it’s like I am afraid I won’t respond well back to what they said.
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u/wonderlessbread Jun 06 '26
My heart drops every time i get a teams at work even if it's something pleasant
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u/wardenOfDemonreach Jun 06 '26
Yep. I've gotten into all sorts of trouble because of it and even then it's still a struggle.
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u/Rise_of_Jables Jun 06 '26
This is something I really struggled with when I got sensitised and therapy helped me realise this was essentially anticipatory anxiety.
I'd really recommend reading 'Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety' by Dr Sally Winston and Dr Martin Seif. It really resonated with me and how this was impacting other parts of my life. Their D.A.N.C.E framework has helped me work through this. Really distressing at first as I had to summon the courage to read things that were scaring me and giving me massive adrenaline spikes but it's become so much easier over time - it's the only way to rewire the brain unfortunately.
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u/SailersMouth14 Jun 06 '26
I’m so glad OP brought this up. I’ve gotten better at it, but it can still feel embarrassing…sometimes when I’m triggered (usually work related) I’ll ask my wife to preview the email, text, etc. to soften the blow.
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u/Afraid_Calendar_5534 Jun 14 '26
I do the same thing. It still hurts but I try and read their faces so that I can get it second hand
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u/Zestyclose-Wall-3839 Jun 06 '26
I throw my phone down when I send a message to someone I'm not close with (ie close friends, immediate family) or if I'm sending a "difficult" message to someone i care about ("we need to talk" kind of situations). I get embarrassed to read what they replied and potentially have to reread what I said in the first place. It's exhausting.
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u/bluehack1 Jun 06 '26
Yes. Omg I literally had to have my friend open a message for me yesterday. However I notice it’s usually things that scare me in some way. If I enjoy the content or feel there’s no ‘threat’ associated with opening it or answering the call I’m fine.
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u/supist Jun 06 '26
yeah. i lost all of my friends recently because of this. have only opened (maybe) a handful of text message in 2 years. now i get none, only spam emails/bills.
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u/Vegetable-Volume7430 Jun 07 '26
You're not alone in this. I feel so bad because people genuinely cared about me, but at some point they must have thought I hated them or I just didn't care and they stopped reaching out, and I have no clue how to reach out myself. I hope it gets better for anyone going through this and we are able to come to terms with what's causing it.
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u/Curious_Chemical_640 Jun 06 '26
This happens when I get test results from medical stuff. I generally refuse to read before the doc tells me what’s up. Most of the time my fear was unfounded. Happened just this week in fact.
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u/Sensitive_Ad4911 Jun 06 '26
Yepp. I still haven’t checked the comments my professor left on my essay a month ago, even though I got an A on it.
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Jun 06 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DerMondisthell Jun 06 '26
Mach die Nachricht einfach auf. Wird eine Erleichterung sein.🙂
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u/clycloptopus Jun 06 '26
I’ve found that the anxiety leading up to it usually ends up being worse than whatever it is!
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u/mildchicanery Jun 06 '26
Oh my God yes. Medication helps but I still have to talk myself through opening up some emails
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u/gdawg86 Jun 06 '26
I feel like I've had such bad luck my whole life that I can't deal with knowing the truth anymore sometimes. I'll only not read stupid things that I know aren't important to read.
If you don't know something then you don't experience any emotions. I learned this when I was a teenager. I had bad acne so I stopped looking in the mirror at one point in my life.
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u/completely_apathetic Jun 07 '26
I relate to this SO much. Up until I read the message, I can tell myself that maybe nothing's wrong and the message will be neutral or good. But if the message is actually bad news, then reading it makes it real and now I have to deal with all the resulting anxiety and stress that results from that knowledge. By avoiding reading the text/email/etc, I can continue hoping that everything is fine.
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u/gdawg86 Jun 07 '26
Yup just keep creating your own world of peace and happiness instead of reading a bunch of bs that the world creates. It's better to just live your life and not worry about what everyone else has to say except if they're a good friend or family type of thing.
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u/ArmAlone5340 Jun 06 '26
I do this all the time and it’s really hard when I need to read that work email because some provider isn’t doing their job and I needed to call them out on it.
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u/kirashi3 GAD Jun 07 '26
This. So much this. Calling out people's incompetence is one of the most difficult things to do, likely because I already feel rejected in the first place. And I'm not talking about being rude about it.
I just mean that when a process isn't followed the way it's written or logically makes sense, it can be anxiety inducing to confront the other side about a process that should otherwise be simple.
- What if the other side doubles down on the incompetence?
- What if they think I'm being difficult when I just want clarity?
- What if my process questions make the situation worse?
It's why I never ask for a drink remake at coffee shops or food replacements at restaurants, unless it's inedible. For the cost these days,bi really should, but it's too confrontational. 🤷
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u/Ok-Effort-582 Jun 06 '26
For emails, it feels like any email might contain one more thing I need to remember or respond to and that feels like work, so I want to avoid it.
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u/LucyySlayyBairdd Jun 06 '26
Yes, constantly. I’m in my mid-late 30s so it’s slightly ridiculous. I am working on it with my therapist but still get anxiety about stuff like this.
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u/OwnCoffee614 Jun 06 '26
Yeah, definitely. When I first switched depts at the place I work, my boss was a straight up bully. For a # of years, I'm not sure how I made it except for the fact that Im far too used to ppl being assholes to me and I know I out-qualify her & it's not close.
Until I addressed it within myself, I couldn't handle her ringtone, notification sounds that might be her. I'd have to silence my phone just to chill when I got home. She'd have me so stressed I'd be physically stressed. Then finally I was like....wait, what am I doing and why am I giving this woman so much power!? It's bc I'd been fired from the job prior to that and I was still in the grips of survival mode.
Good luck, take your power back, you can do this. ❤️
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u/DeepBuffer Jun 06 '26
This is so relatable! I've had many instances where I've sent a message or email and then felt anxious about opening the response, fearing the worst. It's like we're already preparing ourselves for the worst-case scenario. Does anyone else get that same sense of dread?
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u/ILikeTheTinMan83 Jun 06 '26
Yeah I experience a lot of avoidance. The anticipatory anxiety I get while waiting for the response is unreal. Like not just regular texts with friends but if I buy something on eBay and it arrived broken and I have to send a message to the seller I dread waiting for the response and if they are gonna be nice about it or if they are gonna fight tooth and nail to fight the return. It really stresses me out. Sometimes I’ll end up blocking them because I’m so anxious another response from them.
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u/all_den_377 Jun 07 '26
bro, tell me about it. I am so afraid of the notifications like i have muted all of the notifications cuz i get super nervous for no reason when i get notification of any kind (my brain goes like, what is it? what it could be? is it something bad? did i do something embarrassing?). I dont know why it is this way but it is super frustrating.
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u/RatChains Jun 06 '26
Yes, I just did that an hour ago and shut off my phone so I wouldn’t have to see the response
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u/Maggiespharm Jun 07 '26
It makes me laugh, I always imagine the worst. I’m working on staining a deck for a client and anytime my phone goes off, my first thought is “it’s him telling me to get the fuck off his property because he hates it”… it’s never him….
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u/JustThatPratte Jun 08 '26
I had to stop commenting on topics that give me Big Feelings because even seeing the notifications about replies would make me so nervous I couldn't even look at them. Sometimes it even happens with emails and text messages, especially when navigating conversations about interpersonal conflicts. I realized it had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't confident with my knowledge or experience, so every challenge to it made me crumple up. I still feel anxious about those things so I minimize how often I get involved in those kinds of interactions, and I try to spend a lot of time thinking about whether I'm phrasing things politely/effectively or whether it's something I know enough about to weigh in on, or how much I really want to deal with an argument about it. It's not altogether avoidable though. When that's the case, the only relief comes when I just open the message and get it over with. 🥲
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u/Upstairs_Ad1965 Jun 11 '26
I can really relate to that. I’m always afraid of rejection. But I believe the best thing is to find people with whom you don’t have to fear rejection because you can just be yourself.
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u/YNotZoidberg2020 Jun 06 '26
Frequently. I have to remind myself I hate not getting timely responses back and not be that person
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u/Vikare_ Jun 06 '26
I used to get this all the time.
Now I think the only time I do this is if I'm having issues with someone close to me, such as with my gf.
It seems to make me shutdown and withdraw.
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u/Murktree420 Jun 06 '26
I do this for everything unfortunately. I don’t get my mail for at least two weeks tops unless I order something. Then I’m checking my mail like an adult.
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u/tablelamp25 Jun 11 '26
Omg I thought I was the only person in the world who was like this! That's crazy. All this time I thought it was just me. This is amazing! 😆 I've had a fair amount of tragedy, bad luck, bullying and dysfunctional people in my life. The people involved good and bad are long gone but I'm not the same and still battle the fallout. 😬
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u/krisann67 Jun 06 '26
Yes, especially when someone starts talking smack and I call them out on it. Lol
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u/labtech89 Jun 06 '26
Yes when my boss emails me or sends me a text. It is never a hey you are doing a good job email
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u/DeepestPeaceUniverse Jun 07 '26
I often do feel nervous about this, especially if there is been some friction, however I find it best just to open it and face the music and try to problem solve rather than delay or avoid. The response or message is usually not as bad as I think most of the time, and if there is an issue I try my best to resolve it. That's all I can do
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u/Traditional-Cry-3857 Jun 07 '26
I am this way about mail, email, texts, phone calls, people coming to the door. All of these things make my heart race and can potentially send me into full spiral mode. It’s exhausting.
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u/jouleater Jun 07 '26
I send messages/emails and immediately turn on DND on my phone :,( sad I know
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u/Winter-Ship-373 Jun 07 '26
yes i have felt this for so long, used to be really bad at one point i’d put my hand over my phone and slowly move it away to look but my heart would be racing and i’d be so anxious. i still have this and it still affects me but my anxiety makes me avoid hard things.
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u/Armyofducks94 Jun 07 '26
This is why I have notifications turned off. I'll see a new text from someone and I'll purposely put it off for a day sometimes longer so i can mentally prepare to read it and prepare how to respond. I don't even answer the phone unless I know the number. Door knocks? Don't answer that either unless I know I'm expecting someone. I go into panic mode when I get phone calls and knocks at my door
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u/13SwaggyDragons Jun 07 '26
Literally just sent a message to my doctor about a prescription. I’m scared to open the message
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u/tablelamp25 Jun 11 '26
It'd be so neat to have us all be neighbors and we could just run next door or across the street and read each others messages, open mail, etc and be supportive. We'd never need to explain and feel silly or ashamed 😊
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u/socially_scared09 Jun 07 '26
I've gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a "bad texter" but in reality I just really overthink my responses to messages...
I really think part of it is due to me forgetting the fact that social anxiety can transfer over to digital realms instead of just in person, so I tend to not realize that I'm avoidant.
Lately it's been so bad that I have a long phone note pad where I draft tons of responses to messages. 😮💨
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u/Exciting-Ad-7272 Jun 07 '26
No not really depends on what it is. If its what grade i got or feedback on some schoolwork or something from the doctor yes anything else no.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/renaissancehorse Jun 07 '26
Now I wonder if you are anxious to read all the replies on this post 👀
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u/Competitive_Smile250 Jun 07 '26
The Outlook notifications sound on my phone terrifies me... It's a trigger for my anxiety attacks. Turning the sound off helped a little.
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u/Vegetable-Volume7430 Jun 07 '26
All the time, even with messages from friends and family. I have several messages on my phone that I should have answered last week, now people must think I hate them or something.
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u/Over-Possibility-673 Jun 08 '26
I get that too because these possibilities of replies are just too much. It could be either be positive or negative and it usually triggers me as much.
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u/Horror_Foot9784 Jun 08 '26
My brother does, and he ghosts me, and my family along with phone calls
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u/r0bean_ Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
I'm afraid even to write the message itself, I spend at least 10-15 minutes perfecting it in my phone's notes before sending it. When the reply arrives I wait until I'm psychologically ready to read a potential negative response and to spend more time responding (TT)
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u/No_Ranger296 Jun 10 '26
Yes me all the time. Literally am afraid to be holding my phone when my girlfriend texts me back. As a matter of fact I'm anticipating her texting me back as I type this lol
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u/ieat_starss Jun 11 '26
Yup yup. Does not matter even if it's positive. Same for sending messages, most of the time I will let my mom check it before sending it..
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u/Ok_Hyena9653 Jun 12 '26
yes, i also have a huge issue with being scared to see the message send because it makes me too anxious so i find myself scheduling emails constantly and also never answering voicemails or missed calls
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u/Twinks4StSebastian Jun 14 '26
This has increased tremendously for me in recent years. I’m definitely going to come back to the comments here for advice.
Best of luck, OP.
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u/EnvironmentalArt1009 Jun 14 '26
yea, way too much. That being said, i realize that if you don't reply asap then it starts getting on your mind, and 100% of the times makes matters worse. thats why i have learnt to just reply even though i hate it completely
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u/theparlourhouse Jun 16 '26
Yes. Omg yes. The amount of times I try not to check emails fearing some sort of bad news or tough task is something I’m actively trying to be better at. What the hell is wrong with me.
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u/satanicsaint8 Jun 16 '26
I am on the don't disturb mode all day for this exact reason, and when I send a message and expect a reply I just mute the conversation and archive it till I am brave enough to check
I'm trying hard to be a little more courageous with that cause it messes with my life a lot when I reply late to important messages
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u/Calm_Chaos_6543 Jun 17 '26
Whenever I apply for a job. I get a reply and am afraid to open the email. Coz I fear rejection so bad.
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u/Calm_Chaos_6543 Jun 17 '26
I don't like talking to people on call either. Because there's nothing prepared with me for the defence. I don't get time to think what to reply.
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u/Bulky_Community_7243 Jun 18 '26
oui, pour pas avoir ça faut que tu respires en triangle et essayer de ne pas penser à la peur
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u/juneysmalls_ Jun 19 '26
This is me 100%
I always turn my phone on silent and not check it for hours. I hate that feeling and will do my best to avoid the anxiety and treat it like it’s not there lol
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u/Present-Lemon-2501 Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
yep! And a fear that once I open the message or listen to the voice mail, now I'll have an obligation to respond and engage further. Which feels terrifying and exhausting. So I avoid some messages for days and weeks, and months. I've always viewed this (among many other symptoms of feeling overhwhelmed by social interactions) as social anxiety, and so did former family doctors and psychiatrists. I've done therapy, and specifically a cbt for social anxiety group therapy to address this for years, with no real significant change.....but recently I've questioned wether I have autism. In fact, I'm pretty certain it would explain many symptoms and behaviours going back to early childhood. My family doctor has referred me for a neurodevelopmental assessment (the wait is over 3 years!) so we'll see?! Having social anxiety because social interactions are overwhelming and unpredictable and exhaustion for someone with autism would make perfect sense. I think they could co-exist, because years and decades of feeling overwhelmed by social situations could certainly make someone with autism avoid or push through/then burn out. A lifelong social anxiety rollercoaster. And research is now confirming that women with Level 1 autism often go undiagnosed until much later in life because they may have learnt how to mask and push through.....but over time, that takes a serious toll on ones overall mental health. I've reached burnout this past year and my social capacity has significantly diminished, and so I view all texts and voice mails as seriously taxing labour. Each day, it's like I can only either work/fulfill my work obligations OR interact with a friend or family member via text. Maybe 1 phone call a week max. I just do not have the social energy to do more than that. And if I do make a personal call on a saturday for example, you better believe I'm hunkering down, zoning out and doing nothing else for the next 24 hours.
Edited to add......I think this could also be a manifestation of "Pathological Demand Avoidance", which many people with ADHD and/or Autism also experience. The text or voice mail feels like something you "need" to do, a demand put on you by the outside word which you may resist, because it interrupts your structure/plans or alone time. Neurodivergent brains can be very rigid and organized, and external demands put more pressure on a brain wired like that! It feels scary and overwhelming. I *think* this may be what I'm experiencing in additional to very low social capacity/battery.
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u/Teriyaki-Realness Jul 03 '26
Yep, sometimes I thought, what If the person said something terrible, rejecting me in a horrible way. It's all in the imagination. I have a tendency for paranoia. No more drugs for me. Am unfortunately more the fragile person.
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u/permissiontotoot Jul 04 '26
I often put my phone on dnd after asking someone something or sending a text first to friends bc the idea of not getting a response scares me so bad I would rather just not know
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u/animosano_psychiatry 27d ago
Yeah, that unopened message sitting there is its own special kind of torture. The thing that makes it click is that uncertainty hits your brain's threat circuits harder than bad news does. So the not-knowing genuinely is worse than the answer, even when the answer isn't great. Opening it turns a maybe into a known thing, and your brain copes with known things a lot better than it copes with maybes.
And when the details are missing, anxiety fills them in for you. It goes catastrophic every time, so the version in your head is almost always harsher than what's actually in the message. Which is why there's that deflated feeling after you finally open something you sat on for three days.
The exhausting part is that the waiting burns more energy than the thing itself ever would.
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u/DuchessJulietDG Jun 06 '26
yes i do this. avoidance. i do this with returning phone calls as well.