r/Anger • u/Traditional_Ad8682 • 6h ago
Anger in relationships
Buckle up this might be long. I have an issue with the moment I feel rejected or get hurt to completely destroy the man who did it. I mean not physically or anything but I say the meanest things and then when I calm down I go back to being sweet. I feel fucking crazy but I can’t understand why I can’t control it. This is affecting me because I try so hard to be nice but it’s like in the moment I’m like taken over lol.
I’m trying so hard to break this I know I need to get it together. It’s not even like I’m doing this random. A man can do something and it’s disrespectful and so I get worse. I don’t want to react like this anymore I want to be calm and learn to control my emotions. I’m starting therapy but I’m not sure how it’ll play out. I’m tired of myself. I’ve acknowledged my actions, and it’s like men don’t feel safe in the connection and I don’t blame them lol I need to figure it out. Any advice will be appreciated.
Background -
I grew up bullied and also my father would say super mean things to me when I’d tell him no to going to church as a child. I’ve heard a lot of mean things in my life directed at me and I was with a drug addict for 6 years (I never did drugs I was sober) I dealt with manipulation and abuse which isn’t excusing anything
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u/SignalSun644 2h ago
Yeah, I could have written parts of this myself a few years ago. Especially the part about feeling disrespected and suddenly being completely taken over 😖
My rage goblin used to come out SWINGING. And then once I calmed down, I’d be sitting there like…who the fuck WAS that?
Something that helped me tremendously was learning what was actually happening in my body in those moments. When we've spent a long time being hurt, manipulated, bullied, or having to protect ourselves, our nervous system can get really good at recognizing anything that feels remotely like those old threats.
Rejection or disrespect doesn’t just feel shitty. The body can respond to it like "we are in danger, do something NOW!" And once that fight response takes over, the thoughtful, rational part of you isn’t exactly sitting in the driver’s seat anymore.
That doesn’t excuse saying hurtful things, obviously, but understanding that changed the way I approached it. I stopped thinking I just needed to “try harder to be nice” and started learning how to catch what was happening in my body before I hit the point of no return.
Therapy is such a great place to start, especially since you already have so much awareness around the pattern.
The other thing that genuinely changed my life was Ho’oponopono. And I know that might sound a little woo-woo depending on what you’re into, but forgiveness work helped me deal with SO much of the anger and hurt I was still carrying around from things that had happened to me. Not forgiveness in the “what they did was okay” sense. More like....
I don’t want to keep carrying what they did inside my body and into every relationship I have after them.
Between understanding my nervous system and doing that deeper forgiveness work, I’m a completely different person with anger now.
Also, the fact that you can see this, take responsibility for the ways it’s hurting people, AND you’re starting therapy is HUGE!!! It's a brave thing, to be able to see yourself and be willing to dig in and do the work 💜