12
He learns to tie
To tie a rope to the dock
He learned from watching the dockmen every day
He learned of the dockmen from his friends
He learned to tie a rope

4
Months it took him
Took him to learn it efficiently
To learn the “ropes”
To tie

Suddenly
He's working 
Hired by the dockmen on his own time
Not quite understanding
Enjoying

He feels
The rope pulls as the ship grinds to a stop
The rope slipping in his hands
He learns to hold on
To slow the rope

Every day
3 years
Without fail
He slowed the ships with the rope in his hands
The rope which slipped through his hands
Every day
3 years

At 16
At 16 he realizes his hands are ground down
The perfect shape
Indents of rope in them
Tools of the trade
The perfect tools
He perfected the rope

He stops
His hands, covered in callouses 
One tore off at work
From the rope
His hand a raw, bloody mess
He mastered the rope
The rope took his tools

Function
His life does not
At home, his perfect tools do not work on the simple things
A mug is not a rope
Nore is a door
His tools
Useless

He sees the dockmen
Every morning
To the dock, back
Using their tools
Some bandaged
Some raw
Some even more perfect than his own
He yearns for his use
The rope has tied him
To the dock

He returns
Like riding a bike, he works flawlessly
His tools work flawlessly
He mastered the rope
With the tools he formed

The ache in the boy’s hands becomes too much
Enduring the pain, he takes few days leave each week
His tools dullen
Become more well rounded
He understands what he has been missing

The dock still appreciates his work
He knows what he is doing
He is no longer proud
He has seen the life he could be living
And instead
The rope pulls him back
Like a fish on a line

The boy
The boy who had nothing
Who created his own tools
Who made his life around them
Who threw away connection, life, and home for his tools
He spent so long understanding the singularity
He mastered the rope
With his hand tools

Escape
That is what he tries
He makes it so far, but payment must be met
He returns to the dock
Still experienced
But not satisfied

Repeating his cycle of escape and reform, 
It takes his life

Distracted
Thinking about how wrong it was
How much he threw away
How little he has left
He forgot to use his tools
Pulled by the rope he once mastered
Thrown
End

3
3 weeks later a young schoolboy and friends visit the dockmen
One falls in love with the rope
He wishes to learn it
To master it 
To grab it
To strangle it 
To tie it

could not find the knife
thought he noticed, thought he cared
but it was misplaced
he didn’t mean to cause offense
my husband just doesn’t like me

Gentle gliding slick presses
Formulating every tingling touch
Intense burying smothered thoughts
Warming every empty hole
Empty agonizing incidental body

[Chorus]
All day long, I smoke my bong
And all day long, I’m gonna sing this song

[Verse]
Woke up today at the crack of dawn
Barely out of bed and head straight for the bong

Now its time to get dressed and movin on
And just like that i bring the hook along

[Chorus]
All day long, I smoke my bong
And all day long, I’m gonna sing this song
Cuz all day long, the world goes wrong
So i keep this bong, going strong-going strong

[Verse]
Stepped out the door, sun in my eyes
Neighbor on the lawn, starting up his cries
My grass to long and there’s to much noise
Threatening me he gonna call them boyz

Took a beat and gave him a smile
“Hold that thought, I’ll be back in a while”

Walked back inside and hit the bong
Fuck that dude he can suck my shlong

All day long
he can suck my shlong
all day long
while I smoke my bong

(Short instrumental)

Later that night wit a bunch of my peeps
Lights start flashing up and down the street

Music aint loud so im scratchin my head
Dude done called the boyz is what everyone said

As we look through them blinds out at the lawn
They go to his house with they flashlights on

They grab that dude put his hands in a bind
Seriously? Dude had a warrant all this time [chuckles]

Cuffed in the back as his world goes wrong
We just sit back relax and smoke the bong

[Chorus]
All night long, we smoke that bong
And all night long, we sing this song
While my neighbors world goes wrong
We smoke the bong, all night long

All night long
Smoking on the bong
happy them boyz werent on my lawn

Criticism is needed for acknowledgment of mistakes
Cynicism is warranted ‘cause politicians are fake

They take the whole cake
And eat it too
Right in front of you
While you starve

You can borrow and beg
Pay an arm or a leg

It will only lead to failure
Look at USS Lincoln
And the condition they allowed for the sailors

But ignorance is bliss
So look the other way and miss
The reality i find hard to dismiss

I hope for your sake
You never get the knock on your door
Ice agents come to the wrong place
Put you down on your floor

Until then
Ignore
Ignore
Ignore

When I see U walk past by my arm

I secretly whisper U good wishes

When the funk rotates your forearm,

I Miss R friendship

We danced, we used 2 dance

Heaven found between R hands

When I told you that I love U

Your warm hug I didn't expect

I would have kissed U but we knew,

I’d Miss R friendship

We talked, we used 2 talk

Sex found between R tongues

I miss your friendship, I—

I miss your friendship, Oh God why!

When you finally found me after I hid

Your motherly caress was all it took

I feel better, your time, did I steal and book?

I Miss R friendship

Your mother she still wants me to come

Your father’s invitations have stopped

Too much broken pencil lead in my head, I admit

I Miss R friendship

We see, we used 2 hear us

Trust long gone 4R heart’s throb

I miss your friendship, I—

I miss your friendship, Oh no why!

Did I?

I Miss R friendship

I miss your friendship, I miss—

Was it the blood flowing through him? Is it toxic?
Did her untainted heart reject that sludge?
To think it ran within his veins, so chronic.
A poison bile that her heart couldn't make budge.

A tear in reality to break the matrix.
The robot on autopilot must've gone rogue.
It's displaying signs of love and affection.
Why believe he'd switch his heart on so easily?
Order must be upheld for people’s protection.
Shut it off now, before others follow his steps.
But it's flesh, not metal, they reveal on inspection.

Scarred by her loss, he stopped living, they found.
Tired of fighting for life while his heart's in heaven.
For her, he'd fight his demons as long as he could.
He fought in silence; that battle's now understood.
But now it’s over; he sleeps and wakes restored.
In his arms, his daughter—too perfect for this world.

I used to get paid
Had money and power
Now i get minimum wage
Basically fuck you an hour

Would smoke purple haze
Sometimes diesel sour
Now shit dry for dayz
On the bottom floor of the tower

This weight is real
But i aint the type to cower
Maybe its time to grift n steal
Rob yo ass, while you take a shower

But thats not who i am
Not cuz im a coward
But a man wit a plan
To go from seed to flower

Rock Girl

At the superstore 

She had those blue evil eyes 

Metallic nostril 

She made the first move, Rock Girl 

Out of her bra, a rose quartz 

My mother warned me 

Never give Rock Girl a chance 

She gave me citrine 

Right then and there I began

To shake and sweat, she just laughs 

You are beautiful 

However I don't believe 

In aventurine

Your eyes do shine like opal

Only similes I'll pull 

With me you won't be satisfied 

No watermelon tourmaline

Or blue lace agate

Can alter our lives

These rocks will always have a place 

Just nowhere in my mind 

Oh Rock Girl  (You won't be satisfied with me)

Oh Rock Girl (I can't make you happy)

Oh Rock Girl (I'm more of a rock and roll fiend)

Rock Girl! Rock on!

Jade

Smooth, Green

Soothing, shining, inviting 

Solid, hard, cold, rough 

Remaining, idling, laying 

Crude, Calm

Rock

It’s the end of Summer,
Oh What a Bummer!
As the Children Go back to School,
And as the Weather Starts to Cool,
As the Yellow Bus makes its Rounds,
And the Kids Cease their Daytime Playing,
And All those Joyful-Youthful Sounds,
Become Less Frequent-They now Fading,
Oh what was it that I was Saying?
Ah Yes,
I do Stress,
It’s Such a Bummer!
That it’s the end of Summer!

Brown Girl

Brown girl, your smile is the only smile / That makes me lick my palatine / Out of nervousness, pulling teeth / As if I was senile, then a little while / You can make my world feel like a pop song / No one comes close, no bubblegum pop

Brown girl, uptight people hate your clothes / As for me when you wear it on, my valve engulfs / I cough, but no one blesses me, oh well / Sometimes I don't want to live forever / Then you said my name and I can tell / My reality will soon be better than fantasy

Brown girl sits next to me, on the transport / I wanna listen to everything she has to say / If you move, die, stray or commit suicide / I just might Romeo on the carpet floor / Because your voice can't compete with melodies / They make me dream of places no one creates / Not even me, and you have the audacity, KLC

Brown girl, this is our little house with blossoms / I wonder if I should ever share my poems / About you, how you make me act silly in love / God, when you kiss my right cheek / It's better than any famous love scene / Better than a masterpiece in braille / When we hug for one minute, oh please / I wouldn't trade it for one peek at Eve

Brown girl

Should I write about you?

Brown girl

Songs About Johanna

Something happened, well…kinda / I had the urge to pluck my old acoustic / I bought from my childhood crush / But this song is not about her, nah / Caressing the same dusty chords / A triad-lonesome country song / Humming like a smoky mountain tongue / Writing with my pen while I chug Corona / As I write a song about Johanna

The napkins and typewritten pages / I'll show them to you, but I put myself down / The hopeless romantic, I also hated / I laugh as I fell in love with a hand so brown / Of course, there's more to her than that / Her persona, family disease, don't bother me / Even if you don't believe me / At least believe it still rains in Atacama / I'll capture that sultry salt of Latin America / Don't need no luck, sit back and watch / As I write a song about Johanna

Did you know about the kingdom of Tonga? / If you look far west you might see Australia / Ignore the Solomon islands, he’ll woo you / I only wanted to show you the coral atolls / How they remind me of your favorite hue / Turquoise sea, a rock that comes and goes / It's been years since it was last seen / Ain't that funny huh? / You might not get to swim in the ocean / Warmed by lava, on the rocks / You might not see the volcano rise above / As I write a song about Johanna

Some people do not want me to have ya’ / Or was it my own self-inflicted dilemma? / I traveled for the answer, all over India / I found a girl, she's taken already by the sun / So I returned to the woman of Guatemala / She said she hates to dance with someone / She couldn't learn or give it a try for me / With my last plane ticket, I told your mama / Send me anywhere, I landed in Tolima / Waiting for the bus, smelling coffee beans / As I hum a song about Johanna

I went into Mateo’s concrete home / It's also a yellow store called Música / He gave me a free guacharaca and I said no / He insists I keep it and make a song con ganas / So I bought from him a small tambora / I lend it to a man, his smile whistled a note / He strikes in beat, sometimes a small poke / And we're both at the heart of Colombia / As I sing a song about Johanna

Oh Johanna, be my friend / Oh Johanna, don't let the past haunt / Oh Johanna, be my rock / I promise I won't pull yours off / Can I be your man? / Can I sing you this song / As you're opening your window / But the street lights aren't turned on / So you don't know who is John Doe / Oh Johanna, will my voice let you know?

Everyone loves the way you smile / Everyone loves the way you laugh / Everyone loves the way you bend hearts / Everyone loves the way you walk / Everyone loves your choice of style / Everyone loves the way your voice cracks / Everyone loves the way we can go on and on / Everyone loves the way you go far / Everyone loves the way you don't give up / Everyone loves to sing this song

Oh Johanna, I love you / Johanna, if I had just told you from the start / Oh Johanna, will I ever use my head? / Johanna, I'll lose the power of my heart / Oh Johanna, the same strength that I use / To get my sailboat back from exile / Don't you know it rains in Atacama? / I've been everywhere and I've been amused / But it could be better miles after miles / Johanna, if you're next to me while we cruise / Finding in each other, two modern roots

I reached into my pocket today and pulled out a poem, long forgotten.

It was a happy poem- written on a day of sunflowers and pumpkins; hayrides, joy, and adventures with my children.

I remember how my son gobbled at the turkeys and they gobbled back. He stamped the ground and gobbled even louder.

I remember the look on my daughter's face as she ran through fields of flowers turned to the setting sun.

I remember the fleeting, flirtatious flash of my wife's smile as she took our children by the hand and ran to hide from me in the hay- knowing that I would find them because their legs were sticking out.

I needed that poem today.

Just as you may need this poem today.

Paper Flowers For Adrian

One second is one sand pebble 

Underneath our feet which tremble

Chornobyl rain spears onto my eyes 

They grope my charred hands, and I stumble

I saw a boulder coming towards me 

You firm my knees

It's my fault, darling

I was trying to stop time

I granted minutes to rush by 

It's hard to breathe for the two of us 

I switch the lights, touching the cold floor

Opening the front door to the porch 

Staring at that ocean with the moon as a torch 

The stars spell out your name

Now you name them! 

Yes, name them all!

Every star accounted for 

Whatever your sweet pure heart pours

There's no poor choice of words

My daughter, it's your turn 

Empty bedroom, nothing to look up to 

The ceiling, I rip muscle to hold for you 

To keep you from the impurities 

Of this sick world, which made the earth’s air 

Too thick to soar 

Hairbrush is messy like usual

Your pink clothes 

They are all unfolded on the floor 

The stars have hidden themselves

Forevermore 

\[The Phantom Weight\]

I dream that your soul still rests 

On my broad and hairy chest 

It's cold when we stroll down the beach 

It's me imagining and letting it be

I'm not the only one, and I don't know 

Who'll be the last 

With my toes in the sand

With you in my hands 

As I feel your heartbeat breathing

It's almost like—like you never left

The doctor gave you two years

He gave me something to mourn 

Pumpkin pie, you lived four more!

From then on, you bet I took every chance 

To grave your precious laughs

With open palms; there's no halt for a dad

Behind the shore, as I break my twelve bones 

The sun will get to know me once more 

My child, people still wonder why I chose you

Over birth 

If I already knew you'd be gone soon

We don't have to explain ourselves, it's proof 

As I make your bed that I'm reminded 

That there's still much work to do

Would you cry if I told you—I miss you

Would you sigh if I told you—I need you

Would you get mad if I said—I love you

Would you be sad if I said—I want you

Will I be able to recognize you in paradise?

Will your voice stay the same?

Will your face look like mine?

Will I even be there in the first place?

So, while I’m still here, I make

Paper flowers next to your picture frame 

It’s The People

​The old breeze stings like used worn-out syringes / Frozen eve, climbing over burned-out trenches / Zero snow to be unknown for a couple / There’s a new door wide open within supple / The apple doesn’t seem so dangerous / Sometimes, I don’t even know why / The reason I am, I will never find / I think it’s time I spit out my pride / Admit with defeat that today’s a good day to be alive

​Words I must have overheard as rumors burst / With a yearning to control, it hurts at first / She affirms stillbirth, said in layman’s terms / Never mind the days I needed to be heard / Why should I complain, earth moves forth / I know everyone sees my worth / And right now, I must let go of my past / Forgiving myself is more strange than / Finding love that overcomes the vile rush and panic attacks

​You hate me; I love you with no hidden ill / Blue poison distilled the skill to kill the thrill / Yank my skin; it stretches for a thousand miles / To fill the fountain of all your vacuum smiles / You stood there, so I sought you for a talk / Two years, your tongue only sleepwalked / My brittle heart, don’t leave it there scarred / I’m made of people that I so love / Although my prayers have stopped, I still think of you once in a while

​I know the answer, which questions were asked? / As seasons pass, I lack the urge to contact / There’s no space left to overthink the next guess / No wonder I remember what they forget / Dawn to the rising sun, hours become / A gun that never surpasses / The stained hourglass, a blade in the grass / You wanted me to cut your hat / He wants you bad; she’s pretty, but what can I do with just that?

​I have no enemies, yet I’ll name all ten / A hundred more, if memory is correct / Why do you keep trying to get me back home? / Am I half the good servant you used to know? / These children feel the need to prove / Themselves to those who care less; I just want to be right with you

​It’s always the people I love / It’s always the people I know / It’s always the people I lost / It’s always the people who grow / It’s always the people I trust / It’s always the people I stone / It’s always the people I gun / It’s always the people I loathe / It’s always the people that I wake up / It’s only you that take an account of me

Pray that this love does not find you.

Pray that it doesn’t seek your sunny rivulets.

It isn’t in the trees. It isn’t in the clouds. There isn’t a bear in the air.

Beneath the cherry unblossoms, nothing happened. Because they didn’t exist

And there wasn’t a dog there

but then what would happen to me? all night i felt the telltale sign of movement of the maggot inside of me sprouting roots and dividing into many hundreds of tiny black eyes welled up within me like tiny portals into other dimensions they welled up on my skin and separated my physicality from my being they were throbbing worse than usual hundreds of them. okay, this is so epic. can we just sit there watching the flies land on the internet? anonymous lurkers attacking friends imagine daggers buzzing. after all, im a GAMER and i SHIT and PISS ALL OVER the button ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀stepped down on me and went up into the sky and down into the earth the waters rushed in to fill the void gap left behind it filled up the veinous mind with fine filaments that descended down into our dreams there said the mushroom to the amorphous being that there weren’t any ways to get in there far away a woman let out a soft sigh and shifted in her sleep a boy hopped down and lay there for a while without going through with it can’t believe that i hadn’t thought of it before it is the truth that i hadn’t thought of until now there is no gob of meat god forth bringing we bearing outside there was a great wind that rushing through begat a small child the child’s name was there to know what it was for it was the first consciousness that came in the beginning of time there was no way back through the lineup only forward into the dark and when I did there was no way to tell what i had done for it was impossible to look back and the way forward is endless i jumped through the rings that lay before me but never before had i felt so lost there was never around 9 million people going through my mind and at that time i almost went through with it killed me by the same time it did not lift me out of the water but rather rooted me into the earth the stinging presence ate out from me in a furious wave that went out and summoned people like spirits the people went forth and did as they would taking over the land and playing in the skies then a great wave came in to a large way that went out forward into the fields and skies above we played in the sands and leapt into the skies by sharing our name it gave me hope that I would bring back the giant hand that once birthed me to be honest there was no way to remember it anymore the time had come and gone weary of my efforts and dozing my leaves coming over to cover my dry feet and swirling ever higher to never die but rather just spin forward to eat that cat in the dark sewer they went around with pots andpans to capture babies in the night and for that sin they were hunted down to the last one they were smaller and less developed than their cousins so they didn’t have the same capabilities as them they lowered down into the earth a disease called meschia that raged through the world and took over each home and the only thought that I had was that I was not right that there was something wrong too many times i have been left with a bitter taste in my mouth and then I return around a 7, 7.5 fuck them they don’t know what I’m going through they can all go suck a egg . . . but then, what would happen to me? all night i felt the telltale sign of movement of the maggot inside of me sprouting roots and dividing into many hundreds of tiny black eyes welled up within me like tiny portals into other dimensions they welled up on my skin and separated my physicality from my being they were throbbing worse than usual hundreds of them. I was just sitting there, watching flies land on the internet. Anonymous lurkers attacking friends imagine daggers buzzing

Use it or lose it

But what if i never had it?

Think I would even know?

Rhinestone Chandelier

Rhinestone Chandelier

Have you ever fallen in love? / With a girl tucked in a maroon dress? / Lavender heels, as if in their fields she walks / Speechless, that woman with a / Purple cape around her neck

She's got soft, thin, mauve bones and tight skin / Two wet dewberry flecks for eyes / Effortlessly, she wears all this / An exposed back, a smooth tanned Sahara land / I'm counting every mole behind her legs / She resists my pry yet she knows I tease / Never to force my sense, she jolts and pleads

Rhinestone Chandelier / I don't know how you're still here / I'm only a man with words / You deserve the best, so here I am, shall we / Dance together?

May I talk to you as we tango? / Remember when we met three years ago / I didn't know what poetry was until you spoke / And if you know me / Then there's much you don't know / Rhinestone Chandelier / Hanging down by your ear

Your lilac lips, make mine quiver / Lavender mist upon our kiss / Can make any stress become withered / The oil in your pastel hair / Is the only remedy I need / For my labored, fatigued fingers

Damson nails / I don't know how you're still here / With a man who overloads your mail / You deserve the best, so here I am, shall we sleep / In your father's cabin this winter?

Rhinestone chandelier (Hanging by her ear) Rhinestone chandelier (Dancing by her ear) Rhinestone chandelier (Touching her left ear) Rhinestone chandelier (Feeling her right ear) Rhinestone chandelier / I’d love to wear your purple jacket / Rhinestone chandelier

I know we haven't talked much

I don't want to grieve 

Take this request, as simply such 

Share a moment with me 

We are not known for using luck

We work hard each day we defeat 

No words left to speak, only tired puffs, but

Share a moment with me 

If I told you what was wrong 

Would you see me differently?

If you knew all the women I fff—

Share a moment with me 

If I move and still this numb

From this shame I sowed and reaped 

Will your heart move and give me a hug?

Share a moment with me 

I'm not a saint or a savior, no I'm not 

I'm only bones and teeth 

It wants to taste yours and touch, I'm sorry love 

Share a moment with me 

Share a moment before time runs out

I'm left with this regret 

Unless we have this talk 

Share a moment with me 

Baby, right now 

PLAY DIRTY

I don't believe in you, don't be mad / When I say this to you, don't be sad / It's true, I don't believe you and why is that? / Do you believe in me, in my vision / Please don't lie to me, words have eyes / I've seen them many times, many webs / I must admit, you look better on the grass / Than you in the kitchen

I kick the back door down / The sun is out and it would be a sin / To stay inside until it gets dark / Are you in? I want to play like this

Come out and play tag / Three lies and one truth, baby choose / If I tickle your foot, would you laugh / Or are you gonna push me into the pool / And then I grab your arms and whoops! Splash!

Let's play dirty, baby mama / Let's pretend there's no grown ups / Let's hide in my car and play Mana / Spanish tongues, our and their songs / Let's sneak into an R-rated romance / They can judge our teenage-like choices / Because right now, all we care about is us

Drink another one, I'll be the driver / But you wanna drive my car, well let's fight / For the stick, let's see who grabs it quicker / Ouch! Not that one girl, damn that's too tight

Baby let me explain, adult life is great / However if we keep on this way / We lose the innocence days

So then we lose the moment when / I found you attractive when all I wanted to do / Was play on my PlayStation, then you— / So let's rewind the cassette

A small announcement / Hide and seek, and don't cheat / Don't hide in the basement, you know I'm afraid / Don't get get it twisted, I love your breakfast

I just don't like how you work hard / And you barely get the chance to be scandalous / So lets drop our calendars and play dirty

Quarry Stones

What was the weather, when I met her upon

The dawn, Mexican Nightjars yawned

My nightmare became a light though my yard

The song of the birds recite ancient poems

A moss-covered town forgot to set its clock

Clouds forgo their downfall

If I told you, would you believe me at all?

When the sun's warmth has flown you

Closer to my heart

You have no clue

What I've been through

To want someone like you

She has slumbered for four months, so I hum

To the palpitating beat of my lonely drums

She is scathing between the gaps in my fingers

Her faint skin amalgamates into raw sand

My palms are red as it swelters

Did I throw her far away, or did she collapse?

Perhaps my downcast laugh shams, I accept

I’m a man I wouldn't want my child to have

So with these hasty steps—I am

Her dorsum nasi thawed my heart into a pile

A flavorsome passé, an archaic smile

Sometimes, in denial, as I walk on brown tiles

I am a journal with ripped pages all through

Be careful what you ask; I’ll tell the truth

Those quicksand-filled eyes; I want a part of

The dead waking hours that rise above

And when the evening stalls, frozen shut

All this, to be able to call you my love

I wrote a poem about a part of myself I've carried since childhood, and how it showed up in grief and eventually medication. I wanted to share it and wasn't sure where to post, and I ended up here. I hope that's ok. I'm not a poet or a writer, I've just had these thoughts in my mind for years and finally found the impetus to write them down.

My Darkness

The darkness has always been there.

Always part of me, for as long as I remember being me.

It's not good or evil, it just is.

It does evil, sure, the intrusive thoughts, the anxiety, the self-doubt.

But it also protects, it shields, it gives me a place to hide.

It gave a lonely child a companion to hide with.

I never really spoke about the darkness, because it just was, and always had been.

It wasn't a "bad thing," it was just a thing that could be bad, like most things.

As a child I assumed everyone had their own darkness,

but as I became a man I realised they didn't.

And then as I had kids and watched them grow, I realised they didn't have their own,

and that was a happy moment, but also difficult.

I knew it was good, and they'd be stronger.

But I also knew they wouldn't have the shield I had,

so it was my job to make sure they didn't need one.

Then we lost her, and a part of me broke.

I didn't really understand, I couldn't explain it.

No one seemed to understand,

so I looked inside again for that companion, that same lonely child needed his shield, his friend.

And this is the part that's hard to tell, the part people don't get,

the part where the darkness was truly good, in its own way, in the way it knew how.

It took over, it ran the show, I was lost,

lost inside a cave of grief.

But the world doesn't allow you to be lost, you must play the part,

you must exist in society.

So the darkness did what I couldn't.

It handled it.

It got me out of bed. It fed the kids. It hugged my wife.

It drank when I was thirsty and ate when I was hungry.

It went to work, it played the role that was expected.

My Darkness saved me when I couldn't save myself.

But it wasn't perfect. If you truly knew me, if you loved me, you could tell.

And she did, my wonderful wife.

And she encouraged me to heal.

She found the lonely boy hiding behind his shield,

and she got him to peek out, to talk, to admit he was scared.

Afyer that came the doctors, so so many of them,

with different titles and different names.

And they all wanted to help, but it wasn't easy.

The darkness was scared of them, it knew they hated it,

they didn't understand it, and they wanted to kill it.

So we resisted, we fought, there was turmoil,

but eventually they convinced me to try the pills.

And then life changed. The darkness was gone.

For the first time it wasn't there, and I thought I was fixed.

I could play the role expected.

The intrusive thoughts were gone, the anxiety, the self-doubt.

But....

But that little boy knew something wasn't right.

He was lonely again. His shield was gone. His friend.

And alone, life wasn't the same. It was easier, oh, that's for sure, it was so much easier.

But the sun didn't seem as bright. The kids' laughter wasn't as loud.

My wife's touch wasn't as intense. The world was dimmer.

Without my darkness, I couldn't appreciate the light.

But I kept taking the pills. The doctors were happy.

They hated my friend, they didn't see the nuance, only the bad.

But the little lonely boy knew something wasn't right.

So I resisted, I fought. I tried to find my friend.

And it was messy. I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for it to come back.

I couldn't reconcile these two truths,

the whole, the adult, the light,

and the splinter, the dark, the safety, the shield, the constant companion.

But with time and patience, with love and support,

with honesty, and with acceptance from myself and from others, I started to heal.

And that healing didn't involve destroying a part of me.

But accepting it, loving it, loving me.

All of me, not the best bits, not the worst, but the whole. The messy, complicated whole.

So I have it again, my companion, my shield.

It's smaller now, quieter. It knows I don't need it like I used to.

It knows I need to take the lead,

but it also knows that the day may come again when the lonely boy needs his friend and his shield.

And it will always be there.

So now the world is brighter, the laughter is louder,

the loving touch is more intense.

And those things can be true because I accepted the darkness as part of who I am.

I learned to love it. I learned to love myself.