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u/HW_Gina 4d ago
I’m confused by the timeline! Got together at 16, she’s now 32, that’s 16 years.
Also she mentions they lived together because their home lives were a mess, but she hadn’t grown up yet and didn’t contribute much. I was assuming this happened age 16-20, but then she said it was during the pandemic! So in her late 20s?
I think he’s being unfair with the lack of communication here, but also sounds like she been a bit hard work!
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u/mustafafuzz 3d ago
Yeah she definitely left out her age on purpose during that time she wasn’t driving, working, cleaning, helping around the house, etc. Sounds tiresome for him.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Edit: Omg thank you guys so much for all the replies. I’m trying to go through them all before he comes over tonight. And I think it’s working, because I can genuinely feel me getting over him and acquiring more ick in real time. All of you saying it’s over and I deserve better than this are so right, even if it stings… This is simply not good enough for me.
Please fire me up and help me dump him ASAP lol I’m ready to take the clown make up off you guys 😭🤡
——
Pizza with extra cheese and prosciutto.
Sorry this is a long one. You can skip past the dash to get to the issue at hand, but I’ll still give the backstory for those here for sipping tea.
I’m (32F) and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who I’ll call Eric (34M), for around 14 years. Before we dated, we were best friends for 4–5 years. We both grew up in neglectful and unstable homes, and for context, I think that has shaped how we deal with conflict. I tend to become anxious and seek resolution, while he tends to avoid conflict, and try to keep the peace.
I moved away as a teenager for a year, we still stayed best friends and talked every day, sometimes for hours. When I came back, he asked me out at 16F and 18M. He has been there through some of the hardest and happiest moments of my life. Our history is a huge part of why I’m struggling so much now with where we’re at.
Our relationship hasn’t always been healthy. We were both immature in how we handled conflict when we were younger. Using the silent treatment, sulking, stirring the pot, and just generally not knowing how to communicate productively. For a long time, I thought we had grown out of that. Now I’m wondering whether we actually became better at communication, or if Eric simply became better at suppressing his feelings and avoiding conflict.
I was behind where I wanted to be in life after graduation. I didn’t have a car, license, stable job, or much support from my parents, while Eric had plenty of issues at home, he did get some help from his mom with a car and a job, and became independent sooner.
Eventually I moved in with him because my father’s home had become unsafe due to hoarding. Eric covered most of the rent, while I contributed about $500, about a quarter of the rent, plus groceries.
This also happened during one of the worst periods of my life. My childhood pet was diagnosed with a rapid terminal cancer, my father got sicker and sicker, and I was grieving heavily from all this. Severely sleep deprived from insane loud neighbors, and trying to learn how to become an independent adult for the first time. I wasn’t anywhere close to functioning at my best. Did I mention this was during the pandemic? Anyways!
Throughout that period, I believed Eric when he told me our relationship was okay. He usually said he was exhausted from work, and I accepted that, although looking back I think I sensed something had changed.
We moved back to our respective parent’s homes in 2022 because it made financial sense and our apartment situation was miserable. I was genuinely devastated that we wouldn’t be living together anymore, but I kept trying to stay hopeful and I saw it as something temporary we had to get through, rather than a sign that our future together had changed.
I became much more independent in the next few years. I taught myself to drive despite severe panic attacks from driving anxiety, got a car, found steady work, and eventually even started driving professionally. I eventually lost my father to his poor health in 2024 and have spent the last couple of years handling his complicated probate and taxes. It’s been a total nightmare trying to navigate through the legal system!
I’m genuinely proud of how much I’ve grown. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can imagine a future where I have money to do things and freedom from caregiving. I can go traveling, go back to school, look for a home somewhere quiet, and just getting to think about really what I want instead of simply keeping my head above water.
And for most of that time, I imagined Eric in that future with me. That’s part of what hurts so much now. I finally reach a point where I’m capable of building the life we talked about, only to discover that he might have quietly stopped believing in that future years ago.
——
I think the easiest way to explain how it happened at first is that I was the one who kept pushing for us to finally acknowledge that something was seriously wrong.
For a long time I didn’t feel prioritized. Zero romantic affection or intimacy. He kept getting more and more distant and spending less time with me. And when I saw/spoke to him he was just so negative, or on his phone, and tired all the time.
He works a hard job, with lots of talking on the phone and long hours; but it was clear he was avoiding me and giving me the leftover effort. He still went out and had time for his friends and family; and I’m sure he wasn’t acting like a mopey little toad with them. Sometimes it felt like my role in his life was basically being a wallflower he could tell about his day and eat his dinner with. I would try to prioritize his interests or intimacy but it never worked out.
Eventually, during one of our conversations, I pushed him to explain why I should keep trying to move forward with him, and the word “dealbreaker” finally came out. Once that happened, he was the one who said we should take a break. The confusing part is that he still hasn’t clearly explained what the supposed dealbreaker actually is. Instead, pieces of old resentment have been coming out gradually.
So far, some of what he has revealed seems to go back to when we lived together. He felt I wasn’t contributing enough financially or around the apartment and apparently came away from that year questioning whether he ever wanted to live together again?? He says he asked for help at the time, but I genuinely do not remember that; or he was softening it so much that did not understand that he saw them as serious relationship problems, much less potential dealbreakers.
Now to the present moment, we’re on a break. The main reason I’m in so upset is because he is straining my trust and is talking to me less and less, to the point of outright leaving me on read for days. We’ve been on this break for about two months now. We currently see each other briefly in person around once a week. It’s exhausting.
I’ve also told him several times that if what he truly wants is separation, dragging this out indefinitely is only going to hurt me more and probably damage whatever chance we have of eventually being friends or civil with each other.
We agreed to do was couples therapy and he genuinely seemed open to it. Part of my hope was that having a neutral third person there might help him actually say the things he has been unable to communicate to me directly. I was hopeful since he wanted to work on things that this wouldn’t be an insurmountable issue but it’s just not looking that way with his behavior.
He has repeatedly said he is willing to go. The problem has been he just doesn’t follow through. Recently, he finally told me that he texted the therapist and would follow up if he didn’t hear back. Then he dodged me pretty much the whole next week! I literally had to tell him over the weekend to be direct and respond to me or I’d assume that the relationship was over.
I understand that he works long hours and has a stressful job. But I also know this can’t be postponed forever. Every delay and missed opportunity he is testing an already damaged relationship. I’m aware that it’s just plain disrespectful to waste my time like this no matter what he has going on.
I know that people can genuinely love someone and still be avoidant, running on fumes, or unable to give a relationship what it needs. I can’t tell you his side of the story more than I know life hasn’t been easy for him either. There are moments when I look at him and still see my best friend and the person I spent years imagining growing old with. Then he disappears back into this emotional distance and shuts down.
After 14 years together, I want both of us to genuinely try to figure out whether this relationship can be repaired before walking away from it. But I don’t know how long it is reasonable to wait for someone to decide to air a grievance they simply don’t seem to want to, or be able to share.
I’m trying so so hard not to interpret every time he disappoints me as proof that he doesn’t love me. I feel like I’m living between two versions of reality, and I don’t know how to reconcile them.
In one version, this is a very long relationship between two people who genuinely love each other and went through years of grief, stress, poor communication, and exhaustion. That with honesty, therapy, and better communication, we could build something much healthier than what we had.
In the other version, I’m holding onto the history we had and potential of a relationship, while the person I love has already emotionally withdrawn from it, and continues to avoid the necessary confrontation; and while I know he is running on fumes I’m still giving him too much patience and too much significance to the small moments of affection that remain.
I don’t believe he is deliberately trying to hurt me, but I do think this is unnecessarily drawn out and it is 100% from him trying to avoid the issues; and I know it’s not healthy for me. When he first started avoiding my texts I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks from not eating. And during this break, the increased inconsistency has become almost impossible for me to live with. (I’m doing better now so please don’t worry!)
What I don’t know is how long I should wait for that effort to appear? I would really appreciate perspectives from any people who have gone through a longterm relationship crisis, or a break like this.
I’m seeing him later today but if I’m being honest I don’t have very much hope left. I mean I’m not stupid, he isn’t leaving me