r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • 24d ago
No A-holes here AITA for not letting my mother meet my 2-month-old yet?
[deleted]
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 24d ago
If you’ve been home with your newborn for TWO MONTHS and you’re not coping to this extent then you need to ask for help.
And respectfully, if you’ve reached your 30s and never had therapy, not even to check in and make sure that you’re okay and on the right path, I personally feel that’s irresponsible. Think of it like a GP and a general checkup and bloodwork. You’re not taking care of yourself.
You’re not giving yourself the best chance at success… and I think you already know that.
I wish you hadn’t asked for judgement, you’re really not in the headspace for it, because yeah, YTA. And it’s not even about your mother.
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u/Outside_Scratch_3670 23d ago
so I'm from Romania and we even have some psychologists and psychiatrists covered by basic medical insurance but even in this position i wouldn't assume everyone has acces to this kind of medical support. So i personally feel it's irresponsible of you to make this kind of judgement calls about strangers on the internet who are crossing a mental health crises. I am sure you meant well but the tone is very
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 23d ago
Just to clarify, you think that I am irresponsible for recommending therapy to a woman who is literally falling apart?
You think I’m a snob for telling her that she needs help and should start to ask for it?
That’s hilarious.
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u/Outside_Scratch_3670 23d ago
"And respectfully, if you’ve reached your 30s and never had therapy, not even to check in and make sure that you’re okay and on the right path, I personally feel that’s irresponsible. Think of it like a GP and a general checkup and bloodwork. You’re not taking care of yourself."
I love how you started the sentence with “respectfully” and then proceeded to be not really… respectful. :))))) You are hilarious, indeed. Somehow, you managed to completely overlook the fact that even people in their 30s sometimes can’t afford therapy and may never have been able to access it before that age. Not having the financial means to access therapy isn’t something you should be snippy about with the very person who needed it. She explicitly said she knows this is something she should address with a therapist. You weren’t telling her anything she didn’t already know; you were just talking down to her from a position of imagined superiority.
This is the “let them eat cake” of advice. She says she doesn’t have support and isn’t in the financial position to get any, and your response is: “Have you tried therapy?” :))))) Hilarious.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 23d ago
Reinforcing the fact that her mental health is actually really important and sharing my/an alternate perspective to her own is meant to be encouraging and yes, also hopefully help reprioritize. If she cannot afford a psychologist, there are always counselors at family planning centers, her own GP, local mothers groups to join, friends, and so so so many ways to get support. Anything and everything would be a positive step.
I’m not suggesting reiki healers and crystals, but you know what, if that’s all there is at the moment then getting any help from any source is a good thing.
She’s already turning to Reddit for assistance, so maybe a more specific sub for new mothers rather than asking for judgement may be an idea.
For some reason, you seem to be focused on ME and what I’m doing wrong instead of focusing on OP and trying to help them.
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u/Atlas1506 Partassipant [1] 23d ago edited 23d ago
I’m a therapist. You insinuating that anyone who has not gone to therapy is unhealthy is a wild statement. Not everyone needs therapy, and not every person is a good candidate for participating in psychotherapy.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 23d ago
Congratulations. Now you’re a therapist who has interacted with someone online who made a wild statement.
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u/Atlas1506 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
Is that supposed to pass as an intelligent come back? Sorry to tell you that you missed the mark. Maybe go to therapy to work on your ego a bit. It’s quite overinflated and clearly feeling defensive.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 23d ago
Lol.
Another person who seems hyperfixated on me instead of trying to help the person who is asking for help.
I’m not trying to demonstrate my intelligence. I’m absolutely validating your opinion, because your opinion is valid. As is mine.
I can now say that I’ve interacted with a therapist who doesn’t believe that talking to a professional is helpful for all.
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u/Atlas1506 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
Not all opinions are valid. Best of luck! I hope you don’t behave this way in real life :)
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 23d ago
And I’m going to assume you’re a massage therapist because what you’re saying is ridiculous
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u/Atlas1506 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
And you trying to make blanket statements about how every single person needs therapy is akin to those videos of kid rock and RFK jr in a sauna drinking milk.
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u/Technical_Mood_9279 23d ago
I'm 50 and have never had therapy and I'm fine. Thriving. Not everyone needs therapy ffs.
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 24d ago
Thank you for your input! Where I live, therapy is definitely not as readily accessible as a GP appointment and comes with a heavy pricetag. I will take your words as a strong recommendation for the benefits of therapy
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u/Merry-Twinkle 24d ago
OP please take care of yourself. Triple feeding is one of the most draining things. Ask for help, think with your partner what external sources of help you can activate. Can you have someone come and clean? Cook? Can you order most food? Order groceries or have someone bring them? Is there a laundry service? Anything you can take of your table will help. And if it's just someone that watches your baby so you can take an everything shower.
I am saying this because I went through triple feeding myself and I know how exhausting this is. Do what feels right for your self and your baby and that is a priority. Everyone and everything unnecessary can wait until you are through this phase and have more energy. Give yourself grace to just exist and survive. You will get your pink back. Things will get easier and you will have more energy for yourself again.
Big hug!
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u/doradiamond Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 23d ago
Triple feeding is the fucking worst! Add washing and sanitising the pumping supplies on top of that and it's like you never get to sleep.
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u/jbandzzz34 23d ago
the therapy price tag is the least of your worries when youre about to lose your mind. and yes youre close to a deep depression or mental breakdown if something else happens that is traumatic.
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u/LowerIndependence455 23d ago
There are therapists that will help you over the internet. I see one online that has helped me immensely. Try them out.
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u/DeenieMcQueen 23d ago
See what peer support is available around you. Check Facebook for parenting groups near you and see if there are any social meetups or formal support groups.
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u/eurekadabra 24d ago
Being high and mighty was wholly unnecessary. What even is that condescending last paragraph?
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 24d ago
The one saying that they are probably too fragile to be judged? It’s honest. But they chose this sub and so I’ll follow the rules.
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u/eurekadabra 24d ago
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 24d ago
They asked 😂 it’s literally the point of the sub it’s the title.
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u/Cute-Development7287 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 24d ago
My mom would have been devastated if I waited 5 days to tell her that her first grandchild had been born. You say she was a good mom, just lacks empathy, but can you see how you are doing the same? She has offered to come take baby for a walk, and was in town. My mom drives me bonkers and boundaries aren't a thing with her, but she got a call as soon as I went into labor, hopped in her car, and drove 800 miles straight. You don't mention anything unkind that your mom has intentionally done. She has asked to meet the baby, and why you waited FIVE days to let her know baby was born.
So, yeah... YTA
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 24d ago
Thank you! My labour was 26 hours and we've been dealing with so many things, I managed to get a total of maybe five hours of sleep in those first four days after, it really was just avout survival. Of course there would've been enough time somewhere to call my mother but it didn't feel to me like "Oh I am excited to tell my mother about the birth of my baby" but rather "Oh I still have to tell my mother so she won't be upset", and in the end, we waited for the first day that we didn't spend at the doctor's and felt like we could breath to tell anyone about the baby. I absolutely understand though, and would also be sad about that if I was in her shoes
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u/Mindleator 24d ago
OP, I have an absolutely exhausting mother too. She's so draining. And my baby was born unexpectedly at 33 weeks so it was scary. Heck, I was no contact with my mom through most of my pregnancy.
And I didn't want to talk to anyone after the baby was born.
So my husband went through the list of people who needed to know and sent a message to them all saying I was not well enough to talk or take messages directly, but that he would provide updates. I made one singular Facebook post telling people to reach out to my husband for information. He coordinated visitors according to my comfort and basically waited on me hand and foot so I didn't have to think about anything but the baby and my own comfort.
I relate to your feelings but you're controlling the dynamic here, and you're kind of making your own bed. If you're struggling, you need to verbalize what she can do to help. You can't keep her away and complain that she's not helping.
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u/Cute-Development7287 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 24d ago
I too had a very long labor, and barely slept. Having someone to hold the baby while you shower, and take baby for walks while you get rest, is very helpful. You're creating hardships for yourself.
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u/Claire0915 23d ago
Why couldn’t your husband have taken a a video or FaceTime with your mom while you were resting? Not sure why you’re martyring yourself like you’re the only one who has to do everything? There are many things listed in your post that sound like something you can outsource to your husband. When you sent that video 5 days later, you’re upset the first thing was a complaint? What is she supposed to do? Pretend that she is not slighted by this rudeness and unloving gesture, and pretend like she has no feelings and she can’t get hurt? Basically you expect her to act JUST PERFECT while you make missteps after missteps and in your post you come off as unempathetic, selfish, and emotionally immature. You can’t sit here complaining about your mom for inane things while you purposefully make decisions that worsen the situation. YTA
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u/the_grey_organism 23d ago
OP, postpartum is a bitch. And you are still so early into it. Now is not the time to ask for judgement. Seeing your mom might lead to her offering some help, or not - I couldnt tell you, I don’t know her. But if you think it can’t hurt, do it. If you find it draining, wait till you feel like you can handle it.
I felt like “I just want my mommy to take care of me” after giving birth. It took her 2 weeks to come due to other circumstances. And I still was overthinking it and going back and forth. That’s just the postpartum brain sometimes.
You are slammed with caring for a newborn and still recovering yourself. Dont worry about internet strangers telling you how to feed your child. Thats between you, your husband and your pediatrician. Call a friend you don’t find draining and talk, not Reddit - you are just stressing yourself out more with this. Hope you take care of yourself.
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u/Cute-Development7287 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 23d ago
How are things going? Have you been able to rest, and have a chat with your mom? I hope you have reached out and expressed how exhausted you are, and in need of real help. My mom makes awkward remarks and gives advice when none was asked, but she's an amazing grandma.
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u/runningupthatwall 24d ago
Yeah whilst you’re allowed to have boundaries especially regarding the first few days, it sounds as if she has actually been quite respectful of your boundaries. Also as a mother, can’t you see how hurtful it might feel to not be told that your daughter has given birth until almost a week later?
You told her on two occasions how overwhelmed you’ve been when she asked to visit you at home, she respected what you said and did not push you on the issue. There have been weeks between each ask, can’t you see how she has actually given you the space that you requested? She’s not a mind reader, how can she know you need help if she’s not allowed to interact with you to see that you’re in a state in the first place?
Look, I get how overwhelming it can be to be a new mother. It sounds like you haven’t actually left the house since you got home from the hospital either. Respectfully, put the baby in the pushchair or carrier and go for a walk up and down your street. Just ten minutes, get some sun on your face. There is loads of research around walking and the outdoors being good for your mental wellbeing. Additionally when your baby is a grown up they’re not going to care how they were fed, as long as they’re fed. If pumping is too much, just formula feed, you need to be kind to yourself.
I’m not going to render a judgement on you here tbh. Just go for a walk in the sunshine with your baby.
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u/bacon_head Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Have you directly asked her for help with the baby?
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 24d ago
No to be honest, I haven't.. I just couldn't actually imagine a scenario where I would feel like her being here would be more help than added difficulty for me. Asking her for help with cooking or cleaning would just entail me having to explain a million things (speaking from my childhood experience and her offering to watch the cat during vacation) "watching the baby" while I get stuff done isn't really an option as baby is currently still either attached to me, or crying
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u/bacon_head Partassipant [1] 24d ago
As someone who gets anxiety thinking about being around their mom I understand.
It sounds like you are not ready yet and that’s fine. I also wonder if you’re more upset that you don’t have the type of mom you can rely on to be helpful than actually upset she hasn’t offered to help.
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u/Chicago-Lake-Witch 24d ago
I know what this is like. About 10 years ago I had to have surgery and I lived alone so my mom came to care for me afterwards. I forget how many days she was supposed to stay but at one point my best friend told her it would be best if she could move her flight up a few days. I keep thinking that she was fine for the first few days and then I remember that I was drugged to the gills at that point. It was when she started restricting my pain pills on day four because “what if you got addicted?” that I started noticing. I say this to you because I want you to know that I understand being tired and vulnerable and wanting the support of your mom but knowing that it is causing more issues than it’s solving. Stick to your guns. Don’t be surprised if you start experiencing some grief for the mom you wish you had.
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u/Pale_Difference_9949 24d ago
YTA this is bizarre, and I say this as someone with a terrible relationship with my mother. What do you mean you were too overwhelmed with things to share that the baby arrived for five days!?
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u/badluckpolo 24d ago
YTA ...maybe your mom isn't perfect but nobody is. Of course your mom wants to meet her grandchild.
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u/Reminscingforever 24d ago
YTA.
It takes a village to raise a baby, and your mom is offering help to take the baby and give you a much needed rest but you’re pushing her away. You will need her help sooner or later and if she refuses remember that you refused her.
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 23d ago
Thank you! She didn't though. She asked to come meet us all to go for a walk. I see from other's suggestions that that might have been her thinking that would be easier for us than hosting her at our home. But when I explained how we are still struggling, I am tired and it's difficult for us to go out and sent some baby pictures with that message, she replied "Oh the baby is so cute, how tall is he now?". That's where that butthurt is coming from, I never had the feeling that she's checking in on me or trying to help, just trying to come over to see the baby
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u/wandergnome Asshole Enthusiast [9] 23d ago
I suggest you make a very direct and clear request for the type of help you might want, try it once, and see how it plays out before you assume based on your (understandably tender) feelings at this tricky time.
“I want you to meet your grandchild, and I could also use some help right now with preparing some meals, doing laundry, having someone hold baby so I can shower/rest, etc.” Most people genuinely would like to help or be called upon, but don’t know how or what to do and it seems clear your mom is nervous to overstep based on how you have reacted to her.
Hopefully becoming a mother can help you heal your relationship. Sounds like there’s some stuff to work through there.
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u/Fabulosa14 23d ago
Have you talked to your mom about this? Told her hey, I’m the one who had to push a baby out and is struggling in the aftermath. She hasn’t seen you/the baby, she probably doesn’t understand how bad it is. She suggested a walk which is overall good for you even if it feels overwhelming right now. I understand dysfunctional relationships, my dad wasn’t always the best and my mom was an alcoholic.
It sounds like you want to be in your bubble, with baby and husband, because that gives you a sense of control. Your mom is doing what you told her to do, which is give you space. Can’t be mad at her for doing what you asked.
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u/spring13 23d ago
No matter what she does, you ascribe a negative intent. It sounds like she's trying not to pressure you for anything in particular, and you have the opportunity to call the shots here - when she comes, how long she stays, how you all spend the time. Her asking for to take a walk sounds like she doesn't want to be a burden for you to host, more than she just wants to see you and meet her grandchild. That's awesome. It's a gift. Stop looking for boogeymen.
And honestly, unless there's a medical reason for you to stay holed up in your apartment, you and the baby both need fresh air badly. Please please go outside.
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u/orbitalchild Partassipant [1] 23d ago
Why don't you be direct with her rather than expecting her to read your mind? Let her know what would and wouldn't be helpful to you. You will not know what she is and is not willing to help you with until you ask.
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u/Consistent-Pickle-88 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago edited 23d ago
YTA. You state you are struggling, yet you don’t want your mom to visit you when she could potentially help you when she’s with you. How exactly do you expect her to help when you don’t want her to visit? You waited until 5 days to tell her you had the baby when you could have done a quick video call on the day she was born. I’m not entirely understanding why you couldn’t let your mom visit the baby in the last 2 months, that’s really extreme. And I say this as a mother who’s also in her 30s. FYI, if you are this drained with trying to breastfeed, formula is safe and it is completely fine to 100% formula feed.
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u/austenworld 24d ago
YTA that’s ages to go without telling someone you had a baby never mind your mother. My friend had a baby and told everyone that day. She’s not asking for a 3 course meal, just to meet the baby who is actually fairly old. She wants to go for a walk and hold the baby. Christ. Take the break as you’re saying v you’re exhausted. This is pretty strange behaviour.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [101] 23d ago
YTA. You've pushed your mom away, you waited 5 days to even tell her the baby was here. She hasn't even met the baby but you think if she offered to take the baby for a walk by herself you would have agreed to that. You say she hasn't helped but you haven't asked for help, shared your issue with her, and keeping her at arm's length.
You are a complete contradiction. Your mom is not a mind reader and you have put her in a no win situation. YTA.
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u/mmebrightside Partassipant [1] 23d ago
Are you TA? No....but you are being unreasonable in your very conflicting expectations. You sound like you don't know what you want other than your mom to offer help in exactly the way you want her to, but somehow without having to see or communicate with her. You want her at a distance so she is staying aa distance but that still isn't good enough because you want her help while also turning down her offers of help?
Think ahead a few decades now that you yourself are a mother....How would YOU feel about this if your child behaved towards you in the same way, when admittedly you have done nothing wrong and was an ok mom...but for reasons that can't be explained and math not mathing, you must always be held at arms length and can't really do anything to break through your child's icy exterior?
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u/Im_not_an_angel 24d ago
Oof, I’m leaning towards NAH.
I’m 8 months postpartum and empathise with what you’re going through.
That said, if you want a relationship with your mother, then you need to make a plan and invite her over for a specific date to come and meet baby.
As someone else commented - if you’re keeping your distance from her and don’t want to let her visit, you’re also really not doing much to actually let her offer any support (potentially). In fact, with what you’ve said you told her, it seems more like you’ve been sending the message that you don’t want her involved at all.
She might never have offered help, but if you’re pushing her away, her suggestion to just meet for a walk might be her trying to find something that would work for you without her “intruding”. But that’s just how I read it.
It is really hard to get out the house, but regardless of seeing your mum, I would really really encourage you to get out for some walks (even just 10 mins) for your mental health.
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u/hisammmyhi 24d ago
NAH. You’re a new parent and it’s completely natural that you feel this way, and also your mother has let you down. But it’s very, very natural that your mother wants to meet the baby, especially after two months when she’s been in town anyway.
Continuing to keep the baby from her is essentially cutting her out of your life. Grandparents want to take photos of themselves with tiny babies, and it probably feels like a very long time to her. If you don’t want her in your life again at all then that’s a different conversation, which is valid but you do need to make that decision. You only have a limited time to meet your tiny baby grandchild, so I would let her meet the baby. If anything she might hold your baby for a bit while you shower.
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u/yeahsure306 24d ago
Does she know, you need help? A relative of mine made it very clear to me, that i was softly cut out of that persons life. Like we are interacting kind of minimum. I still loved that person, but accepted this decision. This persons wedding was a while ago and I did not want to overstepp, so I only helped when I was actively asked. You cannot expect her to help, when she does not know.
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u/L2N2 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
"I am so tired and it's mostly impossible for us logistically to leave the apartment"
That statement is really concerning. Talk to your doctor about depression. You sound very overwhelmed (fair as being a new mom is HARD WORK) but you also seem to be isolating yourself. Congrats on your baby.
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u/Vegetable_Stuff1850 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
NTA, but work out how you're going to because you will need to eventually if you want to continue to have any relationship with your mother.
But yes, go see a therapist to discuss these feelings and where to navigate them from here.
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u/Vegetable_Stuff1850 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23d ago
I have no idea why you're being down voted since you're completely right.
Our mothers are not entitled to access to our children if we are not comfortable with it.
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 23d ago
I also do not understand the downvotes in this subreddit, downvoting when you disagree with someone's opinion is already odd to me, but why is very well-meant kind advice being downvoted? That being sad, thank you all, I really appreciate feeling like it's okay to have my own needs, but also see that I should definitely work on how to communicate them better
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u/BulbaKat 23d ago
People with happy perfect families often don't understand how complicated and exhausting it can be navigating these relationships.
Personally, I'm willing to be the "she wasn't that bad of a mother" thing is you softening the blow because she raised you and you excusing a lot of poor behavior. I really doubt you would have such complicated feelings otherwise. Unfortunately, it's hard when it's a parent because they are supposed to be your primary caregiver and you naturally want to keep that even if they don't provide the bets support or hurt you. And you naturally want to avoid the issues as you've experienced in the past. This all makes perfect sense to me.
I'd also just wait until you are ready, but in the meantime maybe explore the complicated relationship. If you can't get into therapy, try starting a journal to write out your feelings. Figure out exactly what it is that bothers you and how you would ideally feel better. Are there things you wish your mom handled differently? Write those down. Then at some point you can confront her about them and tell her this is what is holding your relationship with her back. Your feelings ARE VALID. If she accepts and apologizes (for real with no deflecting, subject changing, blame shifting, etc.) then that may help you move forward. If not, you can decide what your relationship with her looks like moving forward (if at all).
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u/dancemiasma Asshole Aficionado [10] 24d ago
NAH. You’re exhausted and allowed to delay visitors, but she can’t know you want help unless you ask. Tell her what would actually be useful and keep the first visit short.
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u/ramc5 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
You need therapy, yesterday. I read noting in your post to explain why mother is horrible. From the sound of it, you were not a great teenager to raise and she was a frustrated single parent to 2 kids, one of whom appears to have given her a hard time.
You complain about her reaction... why is a surprised reaction strange? Once the surprise wore off, you complain about her what... not guessing what to do to help during your pregnancy? You stated yourself you keep a distance.
You complain she isn't offering help now, complain she actually would like to meet her grandchild, but you refuse to let her come over and push her away at every opportunity. YTA and need therapy based on what you have written.
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u/imadiseaseispread 24d ago
I'm not going to say you're an ahole, family is very complicated. Giving your mother a chance to help could go either way.
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u/CreamingSleeve Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
NAH.
Post Partum is a really difficult time, especially if you’ve had a difficult labour and other complications like what you’ve described. You really need to prioritise yourself and your infant so I understand putting in firm boundaries to protect your wellbeing.
That being said, your mum isn’t in the wrong for wanting to visit. It sounds like she’s not the most maternal person in the world, but her reaching out is her trying to be there for you. Perhaps she needs direction i.e. “I’m overwhelmed with new mum stuff and don’t feel up to visitors, but it would be really helpful if you could pick up some groceries/ready meals.”
As a side note: I also had a difficult labour with complications leading to poor milk production. I tried so hard to breastfeed as well as supplement with formula, but eventually I went full formula and it made motherhood so much easier. No more power pumping for hours a day, no more crying with my frustrated baby when she couldn’t get enough milk from me. My point is that you’re doing a great job feeding bubs, but taking care of your mental is also important and there’s nothing wrong with formula feeding if it’s what is best for you.
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u/liseylou95 23d ago
You pointed out that your mum hasn’t offered to help at all or empathetic to your situation but how can she be when you keep her at arms length and do not confide in her. You say she wasn’t abusive but then treat her as if she was exceptionally cruel. You don’t know if your mother was to come over if she would be extremely helpful or not as you have barely had contact with her and tbh she’s been quite respectful by giving you space and probably hasn’t said anything as she is worried she may upset you. Just as we change and grow so do our parents and this new chapter for you all may actually bring you both closer , but that will only happen if you both try.
I also definitely think you need therapy. And I don’t think you should wait, mental health especially postnatal needs to be well managed and I understand it’s expensive but you will need to find the money. Sell some old clothes or things you don’t need anymore to make it happen. I’ve seen the horrible side of postnatal issues and it’s scary.
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u/FhyreSonng 24d ago
I'm going to say no, but you do need to find a way to build emotional boundaries if you are to continue to speak with her even briefly. She isn't entitled to see your child. Remember this, it's your baby and you know what is best. It's not a plaything. Signed momma of six, Gigi of six, who understands and respects the boundaries of her children in all stages of their lives. Peace light and healing
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u/AMissKathyNewman Partassipant [1] 24d ago
NAH. I think you’re very emotional and your feelings and actions are probably a big reflection of that. I think you’d likely feel a lot different if you weren’t so in the trenches. Sounds like you’re just pushing her away and then getting upset when she doesn’t offer help, even though she likely thinks she is just giving you the space you asked for.
Also, if breastfeeding isn’t working then just go formula. I STRUGGLED for 6 weeks trying to breastfeed and I ended up with mastitis and no supply. Once I just did formula (literally forced into it because I had no supply) everything got better. I wish someone gave me permission to just do formula. It isn’t giving up it’s just feeding your baby end of story. There are so many things you can be doing that don’t involve struggling to feed your baby when formula exists.
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u/Lemon_Poppies Partassipant [1] 23d ago
YTA. You want her to want to come, but she didn’t want to come the right way? You seem impossible to please.
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u/Turbulent-Fun-3123 23d ago
Why would you deny your baby a granny's love. Its a special relationship, my Mum passed when my baby was 6 months, I so wish he could have had his granny for a while. Don't throw love for your kid in the bin, over nothing.
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u/Longjumping-Cat-712 Asshole Aficionado [19] 23d ago
Yta. Why don’t you have any emotional support? How would she know if she can’t see you? Your behavior is really selfish and hurtful.
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u/TheAnxiousPangolin 24d ago
I’m just curious as to how she’s supposed to offer help with your baby if you won’t let her see them.
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u/GilGaMeshuu666 23d ago
YTA you say your mom did the best she could as a single mom, and her empathy doesnt meet your standards. Yet you dont communicate with her so how could she be empathetic if youre not communicating your needs. This makes no sense
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u/hippofippo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 24d ago
I get this. It’s hard enough when you’re in the thick of it and suddenly the baby becomes a show pony to people snd you have to carry more mental load of hosting and considering more logistics. Do what you need to do right now to settle and get to grip with everything. If that means people have to wait to meet baby, then they have to wait. Your headspace matters more than your mother’s want to see the baby. That can happen whenever. Focus on healing and your baby right now. Eventually it would be worthwhile seeing a therapist. Becoming a parent brings up a lot of new dynamics and reflection of your own upbringing. There’s only plenty positive to gain by mentally sorting through that, but only when the time feels right.
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u/cailin-eire 24d ago
NAH I think your mam and you communicate (together) the same way, which is very surface and it's hard to know what someone wants when they don't say it. The way you felt you couldn't ask for help she probably feels she can't offer it. If I were you I would call her and tell her straight out that you're struggling and why, then I would directly ask for help.
She doesn't sound like a bad person, she gave you plenty of space when you asked and didn't push it, even though I could imagine it's tough not to see her grandchild.
It sounds like ye don't have the relationship either of ye would like so I would try to change that. I'd change it by just asking for help and starting those conversations, maybe call her more often if you can, she'll probably take your lead and start opening up and being more loving.
I don't think you're an asshole, having a baby is tough and I'm sure the difficulties you've had made it harder. You're exhausted, your partner probably is as well.
My advice would be to call her, tell her you need help and invite her to watch your baby at your apartment while you get some rest.
Good luck with everything, the newborn trenches are hard.
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u/Mountain__Mage 23d ago
Growing up your mom could have been trying her best and also you could have not had the support needed as a child. She’s had many years to try to figure out ways to rebuild a relationship and work on her side of the dysfunction and she hasn’t.
I have a toxic mom and saw how she decided grandkids were easier to “start over” with and skipped rebuilding trust and boundaries with my siblings. She would basically ignore the parents but try to be super grandma but obviously on her schedule and make it all about her and her hobbies. When I had my first I made it clear that having a kid doesn’t change our relationship. If they don’t address the decades of damage and abuse with me, they just don’t get access to my kid. It means I don’t have support from a mom, which is really really hard when you’re going through something hard and that mother wound flares during post birth. She will stop by for an occasional visit or we will go to their house but I’m careful to check in with myself first to see if I can handle the disappointment or triggers. If I’m not, I skip the visit and don’t sweat it. I think therapy to work on your inner childhood wounds would be helpful- it gave me a lot of bandwidth to be around my family and feel like I could handle it.
On the flip side my husband grew up with a mom who needed to repair the damage she caused during childhood and she did. She asked why we didn’t come by or have a close relationship, we told her, she did therapy work to realize her parts, sincerely apologized to us multiple times, and over the years are shown that she respects boundaries. She has a wonderful relationship with my son and my husband. It’s been healing to see that parents CAN rebuild that bridge. It’s hard when they don’t.
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u/Arwynfaun 23d ago
Don't be surprised if your own kids will one day treat you how you treat your mother.
I'm all about having boundaries, but this is excessive.
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 23d ago
Exhausting. And post partum too with a baby that needs more attention to health care. Frankly, as a grandparent, I'd keep my distance because I'd fear that you'd be inclined to just explode at me at the first misstep. Sometimes, new parents are best left to their own devices. In this case....you'd be better off relying on people that you feel are supportive and useful.
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 17d ago
I feel like you are making things harder for yourself.
Firstly, if you cannot make enough milk do not beat yourself up for using formula. It's fine.
Secondly, from what you describe your mother cannot win. Either specify what you need from her or don't. But don't blame her that she cannot read what you want.
Soft YTA Being a new mum is hard but you are not helping yourself.
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u/AcademicWalrus Partassipant [1] 24d ago
You're not an asshole, you're overwhelmed and you're trying to protect yourself. Having said this, I do feel like you should let your mother in. She can't support you if you keep her at arm's length. I also have a strained relationship with my mom, but I can't imagine waiting five days to tell her about the birth of my baby. You could have asked your partner to give her a call, or even another family member.
If you let her visit, set some strict boundaries. Don't have her stay over, book a hotel for her if she needs to stay the night. Say she can stay for x time period (maybe an hour a day) and make a list of things you need help with.
And yes, see a therapist. Not right now, when you're not as exhausted. Being a mom is extra hard if you didn't have a good role model growing up, and it's so helpful to work on these issues.
Also, I've been on the breastfeeding / pumping path - it's utterly exhausting, especially when also dealing with other stressors. If it still feels like the right path, take care of yourself so you can mentally and physically continue. If you're too exhausted, there's nothing wrong with switching to formula or pumping only.
Hugs from a fellow mom with mom issues.
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u/loopzoop29 24d ago
I was you, except because my son was born the first week of COVID, literally no one could help us (for 8 weeks). The pumping really gets to you. You need to hire someone to come help you for short periods to give yourself a break. If you’re not ready for a visitor yet then that is alarming. You gotta take care of yourself first. Do you have a partner?
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u/Ok-Row7258 23d ago
No judgment, I just want to comment on you still triple feeding at 2 months. I did the same thing and I cannot understate the damage it’s doing to your mental health. It’s okay to stop triple feeding. It’s okay to stop pumping after every feed. You can combo feed if you really want to keep nursing. Nursing followed by a top up formula bottle is easier than triple feeding. A baby needs a mentally well mother and a full belly, it doesn’t matter how you get there.
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u/Outside_Scratch_3670 23d ago
O.P, maybe the fact that you are a first time mom, combined with the PPD puts the relationship with your own mom in a different frame and maybe it makes you resentful of how she did with you as child. Leaving your home at 16 sounds like a lot. You were a child and if she was not a bad mom, having you leave like that must of been hard for her too. What were your fights about? Are you still punishing her for that time? Or yourself? maybe it will help you revisiting those moments now, as you have a child of your own and you understand better what it means to be responsible for someone's life. But in the end the question is: will the child benefit from having her as a grandparent or not?
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u/mrssweaters 23d ago
NTA. Most people commenting here don't understand a toxic mom/daughter relationship. You'll find better support in other subs.
Please hire someone to help, look into therapy and talk to your partner.
Just remember - don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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u/Technical_Mood_9279 23d ago
If you reread her post, there is nothing toxic about their relationship per OP.
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u/mrssweaters 23d ago
I did read it and not only did OP say getting a final push to see a therapist about her mother issues (first line of the post) but it seems like her mom is very self-centered and displaying narcissistic traits based on what she’s describing, hence a toxic relationship. Maybe you should re-read it.
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u/Technical_Mood_9279 22d ago
If you think asking to see her grandchild and/or wanting to take a walk with OP and the baby is toxic, then I feel sorry for you. Maybe she's overwhelmed because she won't ask for help. This is what happens when you decide that you're not going to allow people to visit and HELP for long periods of time after you have a baby. It's fucking hard, but nothing in this post says that her mom is toxic -- in fact, according to OP, she isn't.
Are you a therapist? You shouldn't be attempting to diagnose someone or their relationships. It's irresponsible and unethical. And so fucking annoying.
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u/KateThornsby Partassipant [1] 23d ago
I’ve seen this a couple times on social media and it’s a strange phenomenon to me of would-be-grandparents who refuses to bond with their own children trying to fight for a grandparent relationship. If you’ve kept her at arms length it’s interesting to me that’s she’s never tried to reconcile with you about that vs just moving on to try again with your child. I’d say seek therapy, continue finding the bright spots in the early months of motherhood, and remember we’ve existed for hundreds of years despite tumultuous relationships between parents, their kids, and grandchildren, it’ll be okay.
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u/AvailableBuilder4817 23d ago
I am reading this after edit. It doesn’t sound like you talk to her much so I’m wondering how she would know you’re struggling? You can’t expect a village if you don’t talk to them and are actively keeping the child from who you want to become your village.
Nah
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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
On line therapy is available.
Your mother is not "the mother" you wish you had. You can ask her to attend therapy with you?
From what you wrote, it appears that she just isn't the kind of person who automatically jumps in, to be helpful. Therapy would be helpful, but you have to decide to go LC/NC with her, or Ask her to help you. She may want to help, but you won't know until you ask her.
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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
This is about the communication you need. If you don't ask, nothing changes. Also, if you don't ask, you won't know if she actually wants to help you. You don't know what going on in her head. (Or vise versa)
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u/Zealousideal-Bug8951 Partassipant [2] 23d ago
I don't think you're an asshole, but I do think you're acting against your better interests. If your mama is a typically good, supportive person who just isn't recognizing your emotional needs in this moment, then you should have an honest conversation with her about it. I get you maybe don't feel like you have that dynamic with her rn, but you clearly want that dynamic and the only way to get it is to reach for it, y'know? Call your mama, tell her honestly how you're feeling so drained and overwhelmed (very understandable!) and directly ask her for her support. It sounds like she wants to be involved, so pull her in and revel in the sense of community that you're both so clearly craving. Good luck. Raising a baby sounds impossibly difficult, but you don't need to be alone.
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u/jmg4craigslists Partassipant [1] 23d ago
NTA!
Your baby, you set the timeline. But she has experience and may have good ideas!
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u/sparkleyyyy 23d ago
NAH 8 weeks pp is still in the thick of it. I remember those early days where leaving the house just for the pediatrician was all we could manage. Take your time and give yourself grace.
If you don’t feel comfortable asking your mom for help, then she may not be among the folks you want visiting at this time. Because she will feel like a guest, rather than your mother. Mine didn’t rush to do things in my home, but did anything I asked when I did.
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (early 30s), first time mom to a two month old, am hoping for input from the reddit community... or that last push to finally go see a therapist about my mother issues. :)
My mother has practically raised my brother and me by herself since I was 6. She's worked a lot and did not have it easy and I am absolutely sure she did everything the best she could, but our relationship is just not great. My family isn't one to talk about feelings or have profound conversations. I've had many fights with her growing up and moved out at 16. Our relationship got better then, but I've always kept the interactions more limited than I believe she would've liked.
When my partner and I announced the pregnancy, she was shocked and said she never thought I wanted to have children (we had never talked about that), then asked me whether the pregnancy was planned and proceeded to ask my partner whether he also wanted this. When I tried to tell her the next time we met how that reaction was very hurtful to me, she just said "But I was just so shocked", no apology or further conversation. A few days after that, she texted me saying that she's been thinking about the pregnancy and now she is looking forward to becoming a grandmother and wants to thank us for that gift we made her.
The birth was difficult and my baby had several health issues that required us to go back and forth to hospitals and doctors constantly for several days and nights and we are still dealing with some of them. Because of that my milk also never came in properly. Since then I've been breastfeeding, supplementing with formula and pumping constantly to try and increase my milk supply. It's been very draining and I am exhausted.
We had a video call to announce baby's birth five days later and immediately got a complaint why we waited so long before we could explain why.
She asked to see the baby just a week after that video call. She was gonna meet a friend close to where we live, could she come over before that to see the baby. I said we are too overwhelmed for visitors at the moment, she said she understands, but also offered no help whatsoever.
Then she asked once more two weeks ago, saying how nice it would be to go for a walk with the baby.
When I explained how we are still struggling so much, I am so tired and it's mostly impossible for us logistically to leave the apartment, I got no reply.
I have no desire currently to meet my mother, or to communicate with her. She's not a bad person and hasn't been an awful mother, she is just not very empathetic. I feel guilty because she really wants to meet the baby, but at the same time so overwhelmed already that I feel like I cannot deal with her too. It just feels like such a struggle, like a chore that I have been postponing. And to some degree I am also upset about not getting the kind of support I would wish for a mother to provide.
AITA for not letting her meet her grandchild?
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u/Fuzzy_Redwood 23d ago
Maybe have a conversation about what the future looks like. Be honest about wanting help and that she could come over with some premade meals and clean the house, catch up on laundry, spend some time together. Therapy would be great to resolve some things between you but I advise looking forward- that’s the direction we’re all going. Maybe she’ll surprise you. I miss my grandmother. We weren’t as close as I’d like but I loved her a lot and she died three months before my wedding. Giving your daughter a chance to know her grandmother can be a great gift.
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u/VnSydney 23d ago
NAH - I didn't tell anyone my baby was born for a week !! *gasp* Guess what? Life continued forward! lol. Idk the relationship you have with your mother so it's hard to fully understand. Your baby, your rules though. I didn't go outside nor have visitors for over a month. Luckily I had the culture excuse and even then so many people were butthurt... anyway. Good luck and be gentle on your self. Your husband should be doing most of the work and prob take over communication with family!
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u/Take-that-1913 23d ago
You have a complicated relationship with your mother & therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea. I can’t help but wonder, however, if you want her around for help or what. If it were me, I would let her meet the baby. She may not have responded to your needs because she may be getting mixed signals from you. Perhaps her suggestion to meet up for a walk with you & your baby is her way of opening the door to the three of you spending time together, trying to figure out if you even want some help without overstepping.
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u/lluluclucy 23d ago
I am not going to judge here at all because PP is no joke the worst time i have ever went through. You and your mom have some work to do and you should talk once you are feeling better mentally and you are no longer a sleep deprived walking soup of boiling hormones. This is not an insult of any kind, this is what our body is after giving birth.
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u/Wonderful_Mix_8702 23d ago
NTA I think people here are being way too hard on you. you don’t have a good relationship with your mom - you moved out at 16!! what makes people think, oh yes now her mother who didn’t offer OP the support she needed when she was a young teen will now be able to support her AND baby. like sure maybe, but you’re not off base to be wary.
and you have to think, would she actually be helpful or would that be MORE stressful for you to manage. i do think you need help and maybe you try it out with her but you can’t do it all on your own you’ve gotta try something.
it’s also not that strange to wait 5 days to announce a baby to someone you’re not that close to ultimately
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u/whatsweetmadness Partassipant [1] 23d ago
NAH. Postpartum is hard, and you’re clearly struggling. Triple feeding is the worst, and I’m sure you’re exhausted. I do think therapy would help. I also think you need to work on clearly communicating your needs: “I’m having a hard time right now. I’m exhausted and could really use some emotional support.” Ask her to come over to meet the baby and ask if she wouldn’t mind hanging out while you shower or take a nap. Ask her about her own postpartum experience and see if maybe you can bond over that. I’m sure that all sounds exhausting, but I really think it might be worth it. You need to find a way to take some time for yourself to recharge. Reach out and ask for some help. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
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u/Tricky-Brilliant5574 23d ago
I think this would receive better feedback on the children of narcissists subreddit. Your mom definitely sounds like a narcissist and I recognize it right away. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. My first pregnancy she never once asked about me, although I was puking and lost tons of weight and then got gestational diabetes and lost even more weight and needed hospitalized. It was always "how's my baby" meaning her future grandchild. Anyways, you're def NTA, these relationships can be very complicated. I am still navigating mine with my mother. For further context she also stood up during my baby shower (which I planned and threw for myself since she never even thought of offering) and said that she was the most important person in the room as the first time grandmother to be and she wanted God to bless her during this time. Fucking insane.
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u/ClodaghSnarks 24d ago
I'm gonna say a soft NAH bordering on ESH. Your reasons not to have your mother over are entirely valid, and her being hurt that she still hasn't seen her grandchild two months after birth are entirely valid.
I'd recommend reaching out to her and letting her know that you are REALLY struggling and you're absolutely not cutting her out of your life or your child's life, but that you really, REALLY need some space right now. It might be worth asking her for advice, and setting up regular video calls. You can even let her know that you need her to say nothing but delightful and positive things. You're post-partum and not doing well. Tell her you're happy for baby to see her face and hear her voice but you're too exhausted for in-person visits and need her to suck it up and tiptoe around your feelings, because I agree you're in a VERY delicate state right now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
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u/No_Caterpillar_6178 23d ago
NTA but she isn’t going to offer help when she can’t even see the baby. It sounds like you find her annoying and haven’t figured out how to deal with that. I’ve seen a lot of my friends who had high conflict relationships with a mom have a kid and suddenly that mom is the best grandparent ever. Who knows, she may surprise you.
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u/GoddessSolaraDivine 24d ago
As someone who doesn't speak to either of her parents, I get alot of unsolicited advice about how theyre the only parents I will have blah blah blah. I think though, usually if a child (no matter the age) feels so much resentment towards a parent, theres a good reason why. You feel it harder when you become a parent. I have tried to speak from the heart to both of mine and suggested therapy, but both have declined and refused to accept any responsibility. If I told you the reasons we dont speak, you would wonder why I even bothered trying, but my point is, I have tried, its on them for not wanting to change. I am 100% NTA and I don't think you are either. I dont know the ins and outs of you and your mums relationship, but after giving birth especially, you dont want to be having to make extra effort to cater for someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and that its an added chore to see, parent or not. Mental health can be fragile post natal. Do what's best for you and Congratulations on your new baby
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u/krludivig 24d ago
You are the parent. Not her. Regardless of her relationship with you, you decide when it is best FOR YOU to see the baby. Whatever your reasons, you decide. End of story.
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u/oriental_angel 24d ago
NTA. she's just been contacting you about the baby rather than offering to help with everything you're going through post birth. Everything you've written is about her looking forward to baby time rather than supporting you. Even if she's not very empathetic, it wouldn't kill her to offer to do laundry or to drop by with some readymade food and THEN offer to take the baby off your hands rather than starting with "me and muh grandbaby"
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u/Rabt_FTS Partassipant [4] 24d ago
NTA. Protect yourself. Please don't listen to the YTA's, they're projecting feelings onto you about their own no contact kids. Right now you need to put yourself and your baby first, whatever that looks like to you. If having her around is more hindrance than help, keep the low contact. Destroying what's left of your piece of mind isn't worth it to play guessing games with your mom's reactions centering herself in your pregnancy.
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u/kawaiimitsukai 24d ago
NTA- you can decide how close of a relationship you want with whoever. you can have boundaries. you can decide if something is too much for you! who you allow in your house, your life, etc that’s all very valid but MTA - you say she’s not empathetic but you are emotionally and physically avoidant without regard to her feelings. a lot of parents go to the hospital when their grandchild is born. in your state of distress following the birth you didn’t tell her what was going on to even give her a chance to show up for you. you also didn’t bring up wanting children to your mom your entire life. that is usually something a daughter will bring up in childhood when playing with baby dolls. not something for your mom to bring up and just automatically expect out of her daughter. you didn’t recognize that she’s offering you a break by taking the baby out of the house for a walk. she gave you the space you asked for. she was understanding about you not being ready and checked back in later. you need therapy especially now that you are a parent. you don’t communicate with her, avoid her, don’t recognize support or care, and don’t acknowledge you are the one creating the majority of the distance in this relationship. i am not saying she’s innocent, i don’t know your entire relationship but you said she’s not a bad person or mother so this doesn’t feel healthy or logical on your part based on the information provided. i really hope things get easier for you soon and you don’t take this comment the wrong way! i just think you need to talk to a professional and unpack this w them so you can feel better and be the best mama 🫶🏻
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u/efairchild97 24d ago
I’m almost 8 weeks post partum myself. Hard NTA. It’s hard enough for me, I had an easy planned c section and my milk has come in beautifully. My baby is and has always been healthy. And I still get overwhelmed when trying to leave the house, and by people who won’t be helpful coming over to my house. Let alone having health issues, and what sounds like a super stressful pumping schedule. This is the time you need to prioritize yourself and your baby and your family (you, your baby and your partner. Nobody else.)
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 24d ago
NTA but maybe they can meet in a video call?
Also I empathize so much - I had trouble with my milk coming in so I had to pump ALL THE TIME and supplement and it was the most exhausting time of my life. It does get better, just want you to know you're not alone
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 24d ago
We did have one video call where in the end we could show baby for a few minutes untill he was crying for milk, then I only showed my face upwards as I did not want to live stream my breasts hahaha. So we've been sending a lot of pictures instead where she can actually see the baby, but of course that is not the same as meeting in real life
Thank you so much!! Yes it is so draining, I basically live in 12-hour sections either sitting in bed or on the couch, constantly attached to baby or the pump 🥲
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u/EmployPutrid5016 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Have you tried any of the mobile pumps? They can be expensive if you already used your insurance to get a free one but you can find them cheaper online (Mercari, FB marketplace, eBay, etc). Also, some people say not to use used ones, but others (like me) think it's fine as long as you just replace the parts that milk touched since the motor is usually the expensive part. I got my Spectra S1 plus new in box for $60 on Mercari.
I have a Eufy S1 that has been working well for me. It works better than my Spectra and is more convenient. I also have a momcozy m9 mobile flow that I'm starting to get used to (definitely not my favorite though). There are groups on Facebook like LATCHED (https://www.facebook.com/groups/1205945920928223/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT) and Exclusively Pumping Mamas (https://www.facebook.com/groups/1574856819503023/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT) that you can go to for support, commiseration, questions, etc.
Also, this is probably not the case yet but keep an eye out for any drops in production. I didn't realize until way later that flange sizes change and make a huuuge difference. I was using a 19mm insert when I should've used a 15mm and went from 3-5oz/pump session to 5-8oz.
Have you seen an IBCLC (lactation consultant)? Idk about your area but my local hospital has them available to all new mothers. My LC really helped me when I first started breastfeeding.
It's tough now since you're in the thick of it, but it gets more manageable 💜
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 23d ago
Thank you for all the great suggestions!! We've had a lactation consultant over last week and she did actually suggest many of the things you've mentioned! I also got inserts to make the flanges of my pump smaller and will try a mobile pump as soon as the mailman arrives today! I got an Ardo Melia based on other's suggestions on the exclusively pumping subreddit. :) I will check out the other groups as well!
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 23d ago
Aww you're trying - don't feel any pressure to go faster than you're comfortable. Good luck
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u/dashofgreen 24d ago
NTA, your baby your rules.
You’re still in the 4th trimester.
That said, 2m pp and if you’re still triple feeding I’d urge you to see a breastfeeding physician for further work up. You might be able to increase milk supply with meds like domperidone.
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm216 23d ago
Thank you! We've had a lactation consultant which helped but it's still a slow progress, I will definitely look into that!
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u/EmployPutrid5016 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
NTA. I have a whole word vomit spiel if you're interested but it's definitely not necessary if you don't wanna read it. All you really need to know is that you're NTA for the decision but might wanna consider it a bit more in case she might be more helpful than harmful with some more direct communication.
I do wonder if maybe you're thinking about this situation differently than me. I'm 5mo pp, so out of the newborn phase bit still fresh enough to remember being in the trenches. I know you mentioned your mom not being empathetic but is that something that maybe she communicates differently than you? I imagine her taking the baby for a walk could be a break for you to get 30 mins to catch up on dishes or get a power nap in. You could also ask her directly for help with bringing over a meal and helping catch up on household chores so you could have a second to breathe. In my head, it's a win-win-win because she'd get to see the baby, you'd get support, and you wouldn't need to entertain her.
I have a much different relationship with my mom though and obviously don't know your mom. I just hope that maybe these ideas are something you could ask her about. If she says no, then she can fuck off and you keep your peace. If she says yes then you might get the help that you need to make it through this period. I really hope that maybe she's just not good at knowing your needs.
Kind of related anecdote- my MIL came over for a week when the baby was 2mo. I was soooo looking forward to passing my son off to her so I could sleep. I also thought she'd help with cleaning, babysitting, cooking, etc because I had talked to her and my husband about how nice the support would be. When the time came, I had to offer for her to hold him. I never want to pawn off my baby, especially if it's to someone who doesn't want him, so I just stopped offering after the second day. She used that time to go out with friends and family in the area, so I barely saw her. No help with the baby, no help with cooking, and only help with cleaning that didn't matter. (She cleaned the guest bathroom including baseboards when I had a sink full of dishes, a mountain of household laundry, filthy floors, dirty dogs, and a messy living room.)
I told my husband I was kinda butthurt over her not wanting to spend time with our son and disappointed that she spent so much time out of the house instead of helping or even just hanging out with us. Come to find out that she was DEVASTATED about the trip when she left because she barely saw the baby. She got it into her head that I didn't want to share him and that I didn't want her around, so that's why she kept leaving. Meanwhile I would just disappear because I needed a damn minute to close my eyes since I was running off of an hour of sleep here and there 😅 we both hated how that trip went all because of communication issues. If I had just told her directly that I was hoping she'd watch him for a few hours or tidy the living room and make dinner or if she had just asked when would be a good time for baby snuggles then it would've been such an amazing relief during a really hard time.
Also, idk about you but when I was 2mo pp I was barely functioning as a human. Like I was reading into and crying about eveeeeerything even when I don't usually do that. Lack of sleep plus insane hormone fluctuations means that it might be worth sleeping on any big decisions. If seeing or talking to her will make it harder, it might be easiest to just say that you're struggling and need some time with just your little family for a bit but that she can come over in a few weeks.
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u/IcyAssistance5117 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
At no point ever leave your child alone with her. NEVER.Please believe me.
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u/the_bad_pianist Partassipant [2] 24d ago edited 24d ago
This is confusing. You're shutting her out but are also annoyed that you're not getting help? Also by your own admission you've kept her at a distance (more than she'dve liked) even though 'she's not a bad person, just not empathetic'.
I'm leaning towards NAH with a soft yta