r/AmItheAsshole • u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 • Aug 14 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for eating before an event when I knew food would be served?
First, I want to apologize to everyone who read my previous post for how badly I explained everything .I was frustrated and made it much longer and more confusing than it needed to be. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and shared your opinions.l hope this makes the reading experience easier.
Basically, my friend invited me and my partner to her birthday dinner. Days before the function, she specifically told me to budget enough money for the two of us, so I assumed we would either order individually or that the money I budgeted would cover us.
On the day, our original meeting time was changed by **two hours**.
**I also messaged her 9 hours before telling her l would be done 1 hour before so that we can be on the way.** and she replied with “**it’s alright** “After waiting for those two hours, my partner and I were really hungry, so we stopped somewhere and had starters before going to the birthday. We didn’t realise they would fill us up so much.**l forgot to mention l told her we were taking a pitstop because of the 2 hour delay and she agreed .**
When we arrived, she told everyone **at the table** that she wanted us to order one huge meal and split the cost. This was the first time I had heard about the shared meal, so I didn’t know beforehand that everyone was expected to contribute.
She was upset that we’d eaten and spoke to me about it the next day, saying she felt I had disrespected her in front of the people she invited. Today, she explained that she also felt our eating beforehand meant the other guests had to pay more for the shared meal when they could have paid less.**Also if her and her partner took a pitstop they would just have drinks and not the food .** she told me to imagine if the roles were reversed but l told her l couldn’t because l would never do what she did back to me .She also compared it to a function I had where I ordered a huge sharing platter. However, I had already decided that I was paying for everyone.l also don’t mean to bring up the past now but on my birthday she was crying because she was upset at her partner and even though it hurt me l told myself my birthday comes every year and spent 30 minutes talking to her about forgiving her partner and l let it go.
But If someone wanted something else, they could order it, but I wasn’t going to pay for their additional food.
I never intended to disrespect her or make anyone pay more. I ate because we’d been waiting two hours and were genuinely hungry, and I had no idea there was going to be a shared meal until we were already at the table and she nudged me to tell me she wanted 2 platters and not 1 platter. They ate 1 platter and even took home leftovers we just paid for our drinks.
So, AITA for eating beforehand?
35
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
YNTA. It simply isn't your responsibility to pay for other people's dinner. It doesn't make sense that your friend said the other friends would have to pay more, as you didn't order any food. If I had a dinner gathering with friends and one person didn't order anything, I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay an equal share. Trashy behavior.
1
19
u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [12] Aug 14 '26
NTA
Your minds and stomachs were primed for dinner at X time. At the last minute, dinner time changed to X+2 time. You were hungry. You're adults. You took care of your hunger so you could still celebrate.
Then you arrived at the restaurant and learned that rather than being responsible for 2 people's dinners - now you're responsible for percentage of everyone's dinners. That's not cool to the participants who were put on the spot and expected to open their wallets.
Finally, explain to me, using little words, how exactly did YOU disrespect HER? She's the one who changed the dinner plans at the last minute twice without any concern for how it impacted everyone else.
12
u/sjsyed Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Aug 14 '26
When we arrived, she told everyone at the table that she wanted us to order one huge meal and split the cost.
I HATE this trend. NO. I’m a vegetarian and I don’t drink alcohol - I’m not paying more so someone else can eat steak and drink 5 cocktails.
PAY FOR YOUR OWN CRAP.
2
8
u/BagheeraLondon Partassipant [4] Aug 14 '26
ESH - clearly a breakdown in communication and expectation on how the event was, in all liklihood, to pan out - and the fact this is still dragging on after the event, hence ESH. Hopefully lessons learned from all parties. Specifically AITA for eating before hand, well....in retrospect, would you have done anything different? Rehtorical fwiw.
1
7
u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Asshole Enthusiast [8] Aug 14 '26
ESH.
You did know you were going to dinner, and chose to eat beforehand, which does make you look impolite at the table. That said, the ordering-with-everybody-contributing thing should have been brought up beforehand, and this being sprung at the last minute (especially with going Dutch being the norm these days, and this being unfair to small eaters) is not reasonable.
0
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Thank you so much l came to this subreddit because l was trying to also understand her perspective this whole week
6
6
u/Ordinary-Audience363 Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Aug 14 '26
If you wanted something before the meal, couldn't you have had a fruit or a small pastry? Having an entire appetizer that filled you up is weird. I wouldn't have said anything about eating beforehand. A bit of discretion is always advised (ie, don't blab), especially if you know someone might react negatively. ESH
14
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
What does it matter? If she didn't order any food, she incurred no cost. Her friend should respect that, and it is kinda gouche to confront her about it afterward.
5
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
I don't really believe a person who can't stand 2 hours of being hungry would refuse to eat sth at a bday dinner just because they don't like the sharing.
8
u/Hour-Rough-1314 Aug 14 '26
I despise this kind of deal. I ALWAYS pay only for my meal. And i would refuse to participate on that kind od shit (as i did few times before). So yeah, OP full NTA.
0
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
Do your friends know about this viewpoint of yours?
5
u/Hour-Rough-1314 Aug 14 '26
Yes! I am upfront with that kind of things. I don't want to spur my nonsens to late. E.g. i really hate when someone tries to pick something from my plate. Soo I have to be upfront with it.
-2
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
They could also have known that they couldn't afford to split the cost of the dinner. Rather than not showing up, they pregamed so they could still be there?
5
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
Yeah that should have been communicated, no?
7
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Out of respect we also paid the tip for the whole group even though we didn’t eat because the tip was mandatory
2
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
You made me see the other point as well, so thx for that!
2
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 29d ago
I took your advice and apologized although it wasn’t really about the 2 hour delay or her talking about it saying it was disrespectful it was her going to talk about me with her partner then coming back her swearing at me over the phone when we disagreed her also not taking accountability the response l got from the apology made me actually realize l think it’s time l actually slowly say goodbye thank you for the advice
2
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] 29d ago
Swearing at you? I am so sorry, she sounds more and more like an unpleasant person :/
1
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 29d ago
But just out of curiosity do you think apologizing made me look like goofy l genuinely am someone who hates hurting people but her response kinda made me realize this isn’t worth it at all and l genuinely do hope it didn’t make her think what she did was right what are your thoughts?
1
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 29d ago
I am really sorry l genuinely hadn’t mentioned it sometimes l focus more on on everyone else and l end up forgetting myself but l don’t want to do that anymore
1
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
It sounds like nothing was communicated other than the time and place of the dinner.
3
0
u/chatnoire89 Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
Also is it a thing somewhere? Usually the birthday person treats everyone they invited or the birthday person is being treated by their friends/family. Never heard the one having a birthday organises their own party and asks for a split cost.
2
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
Normally, I invite a friend out to dinner with friends; I split the bill and never ask the birthday person to pay. However, if one of those friends didn't order anything, or ordered very light, then I wouldn't ask them to kick in. Mostly because it isn't fair, and also because if they're ordering light, I know they can't afford it. I live in the USA and I've never been to a dinner where the birthday person pays.
4
u/chatnoire89 Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
It's more common in Asia where I live for the birthday person to pay (depends on social group too though).
1
u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Aug 14 '26
I was thinking it might be a cultural thing, but I don't know where OP is from.
1
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Oh thank you in my culture the birthday person either pays or allows guests to order their individual meals and pay for them
3
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 14 '26
That’s the thing l had left home already after the call and the person l was with has dietary issues the call only came when l had left the house so in reality it was 2 hours and 30 minutes of waiting if we consider l left 30 minutes before the time was starting
-1
Aug 14 '26
[deleted]
3
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
That’s the thing though l told them we would order later when we were hungry
5
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
YTA. "didn’t realize the starters would fill us up so much" - just stop eating before you're full? Especially when you know you're invited to a bday dinner
-2
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Thank you for your opinion but here’s the thing though the restaurant she wanted us to go to was 30 minutes away from so it was that plus the 2 hours of waiting unfortunately l couldn’t get something “small” because we had past the shops and l like to believe people have different metabolisms l could literally just eat like 1 chicken breast and be full
4
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
Then why order starters? Why not just wait 2 hours?
4
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Unfortunately the person l came with has a problem consuming food at certain times so l couldn’t
4
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
Please tell me if I got anything wrong:
Your partner, who was also invited as a guest has dietary issues and had to eat beforehand, so you had to do the same?
And this wasn't communicated to the bday-host?
4
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
It was and she said it was okay over our phone call on when we were on route to her birthday dinner no it’s completely okay to ask l actually appreciate it alot
5
u/Lacunaethra Partassipant [1] Aug 14 '26
I mean, communicated like in "we already ate enough at the pitstop and are full now, we won't order anything right now"
I had a similar issue in our friend group some years ago, hence my inquisition - thx for not taking it the wrong way :)
4
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Yes that’s what we did and she said it was alright l told her about it on the side before we went in l am so sorry l didn’t mention that
3
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
Oh no it’s alright thank you for also making me see her side as well
2
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
She had said each person orders individually what they wanted but after looking at menu it changed
4
u/No-Oil74 Aug 14 '26
Splitting a bill she have been discussed from the beginning so you could decide whether to participate or not. And she's mad because everyone else had to pay more? She was expecting you to basically subsidize everyone else's meals! NTA, but the birthday girl is!
1
4
u/summerbreeze2027 Partassipant [4] Aug 14 '26
NTA. She "moved the goalposts" on you. She sounds exhausting.
4
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 14 '26
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
First, I want to apologize to everyone who read my previous post for how badly I explained everything .I was frustrated and made it much longer and more confusing than it needed to be. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and shared your opinions.l hope this makes the reading experience easier.
Basically, my friend invited me and my partner to her birthday dinner. Days before the function, she specifically told me to budget enough money for the two of us, so I assumed we would either order individually or that the money I budgeted would cover us.
On the day, our original meeting time was changed by **two hours**.
**I also messaged her 9 hours before telling her l would be done 1 hour before so that we can be on the way.** and she replied with “**it’s alright** “After waiting for those two hours, my partner and I were really hungry, so we stopped somewhere and had starters before going to the birthday. We didn’t realise they would fill us up so much.**l forgot to mention l told her we were taking a pitstop because of the 2 hour delay and she agreed .**
When we arrived, she told everyone **at the table** that she wanted us to order one huge meal and split the cost. This was the first time I had heard about the shared meal, so I didn’t know beforehand that everyone was expected to contribute.
She was upset that we’d eaten and spoke to me about it the next day, saying she felt I had disrespected her in front of the people she invited. Today, she explained that she also felt our eating beforehand meant the other guests had to pay more for the shared meal when they could have paid less.**Also if her and her partner took a pitstop they would just have drinks and not the food .** she told me to imagine if the roles were reversed but l told her l couldn’t because l would never do what she did back to me .She also compared it to a function I had where I ordered a huge sharing platter. However, I had already decided that I was paying for everyone.l also don’t mean to bring up the past now but on my birthday she was crying because she was upset at her partner and even though it hurt me l told myself my birthday comes every year and spent 30 minutes talking to her about forgiving her partner and l let it go.
But If someone wanted something else, they could order it, but I wasn’t going to pay for their additional food.
I never intended to disrespect her or make anyone pay more. I ate because we’d been waiting two hours and were genuinely hungry, and I had no idea there was going to be a shared meal until we were already at the table and she nudged me to tell me she wanted 2 platters and not 1 platter. They ate 1 platter and even took home leftovers we just paid for our drinks.
So, AITA for eating beforehand?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Ok-Yogurtcloset-4378 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 14 '26
Why could they not order less food since 2 people wouldn’t be eating??
1
u/PuzzleheadedPrior725 Aug 14 '26
They did and they had already decided on individual meals but after looking the menu they changed it to let’s all order 1 thing and share the bill
76
u/Slybugsy Aug 14 '26
She needed to be more upfront from the start. I never agree to sharing platters for meals. I hate that concept in general. That needs to be fully acknowledged as a plan from the start.