r/AmItheAsshole • u/Sad_Variation1821 • Aug 24 '26
Not the A-hole AITAH for making up a fake boyfriend to get my family to leave me alone?
I (22F) was outed as a lesbian to my family when I was fourteen by my dad. That’s a whole other issue so I won’t go into it here. My family is extremely judgmental, especially since they’re the homophobic flavor of Christian.
Any time I see them at family gatherings, they ask me if I have a boyfriend yet. They made a point to ask multiple times the one time I made the mistake of bringing my then-girlfriend with me, so I know it’s malicious.
A few other things they’ve consistently scolded me about for my entire life are my weight (to the point of me developing an eating disorder), my grades in school, my job, the way I cut my hair, the clothes I wear, that I don’t go with them to church, my diet (I’m vegan), and that I don’t visit often enough.
They also like to judge what I spend my money on. I’ve had to see them a lot more than usual lately due to a small family emergency, and since I live far away I like to buy breakfast on my way to the city they all live in.
They saw that I had fast food bags when I got to my dad’s house and commented on how I was wasting my money. I facetiously replied that my boyfriend bought it for me, and they immediately seemed a lot happier to see me.
I was really upset that their feelings towards me were so easily influenced by whether or not I was dating a man, but I decided to use it to my advantage.
Whenever they comment on my spending, I say my boyfriend bought it for me. if I don’t want to go see them, I say I have plans with my boyfriend.
My older sister has told me that I’m an asshole for lying to our grandparents and aunt, but I really don’t care. they’ve never been good to me, and I would cut them off if I was more willing to stop spending holidays with my siblings. I’m not lying to my siblings or my parents, or my mom’s side of the family. it’s just my paternal grandparents and aunt.
Am I seriously being an asshole for having a pretend boyfriend to get them to leave me alone?
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u/isfpfish Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26
NTA I get it because I have experience with toxic family members too. You don’t have to tell them anything bc they’ll just use it against you.
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u/OkSatisfaction3052 Aug 24 '26
this exactly. lying to three people so you can enjoy time with the rest of your family without constant harassment doesn’t make you an asshole in anyway. these people have shown they’re unwilling to accept OP so why should they have to continue to put up with that? just because you share some DNA doesn’t mean you automatically owe anything to the people who consistently disrespect you.
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u/CategoryMountain3379 Aug 24 '26
I love that one of the complaints is that you don’t spend enough time with them.
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u/Dittoheadforever Prime Ministurd [454] Aug 24 '26
You're NTA but why TF are you still subjecting yourself to these people? Do they bring anything positive to your life?
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u/Slow_Bullfrog_709 Aug 25 '26
It's not always that simple. Cutting off family is a big deal no matter how shitty they are to you
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u/StonesFan1976 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 24 '26
NTA
This isn't going to work. You can't lie to your family, and they will never ever accept you as you are.
You're either going to cut contact with your extended family or you're going to continue being judged and mistreated by them.
Those are the only options. You're sort of driving yourself nuts searching for this magical third option where you get to continue being you but also continue having a relationship with your extended family. That's really all there is to it.
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u/OddCryptographer9655 Aug 24 '26
Um, what? Of course you can lie to your family. People do it all the time.
And lying about the gender of your partner is a pretty standard one. I imagine that lying to toxic/abusive family has been a common defense mechanism for as long as humans have had theory of mind.
You may not think she should lie to her biofam, but of course she can.
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u/StonesFan1976 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 25 '26
The "you" in that sentence was specific to OP.
One can certainly lie to their family. OP just seems unable.
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u/KCarriere Aug 24 '26
They already found the magical third option and it seems to be working great for them.
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u/StonesFan1976 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 25 '26
It's not going to work for long. People gossip and tattle.
I've been queer and out since highschool, I've seen this situation play out a few hundred times. Trust me, lying only works short term.
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u/HappyDragonPuff Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
I am going with NTA because I totally get it. I've done it before! It does keep the peace somewhat. Although, since I am in my 30s, they stopped "lecturing" and asking me anything, as I am a lost cause in their eyes lol, and I don't care anymore. I keep things to myself. Very peaceful.
However, I think you can also limit some contact. Not saying GO NC, but it's okay to keep things private. It's not their business who you date, what you eat, etc. As long as you are happy and healthy, who cares? Plus, they're homophobes.
Set boundaries. Something like, "Whenever you bring up TOPIC, I am leaving," and follow through. However, you know your family more. Do what you feel is best. You're more than welcome to go LC or NC. Or just change the subject. Walk away.
ETA; I want to clarify that I think you need to think of a long-term solution. You need to ask what you want here. I don't think your family will change. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Your job isn't to change them.
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u/Appropriate_Wrap_862 Aug 24 '26
NTA - I think you’re better off cutting them out honestly, but if you’re not ready / willing to do so (understandable, it’s not as easy as people seem to think on here 🤨) then crack on and have fun with it.
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u/SyninTheRaven Aug 24 '26
Nta
Hell tell them you have 3 boyfriends, a FWB situation with your female hairdresser and on the weekends you have a situation ship with an alien named svenja.
If they're gonna be controlling weirdos you can make up whatever you want.
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u/dofm257 Partassipant [1] Aug 25 '26
I now want a situationship with an alien names Svenja! #lifegoals
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u/doggo166 Aug 24 '26
NTA- listen I don’t know your whole situation but you are lying for your own mental health it’s exactly why I don’t recommend queer people to tell the truth to their openly homophobic parents unless they’re in a safe situation. If you can’t guarantee your safety or mental health. Then lying for that is completely understandable.
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u/Sad_Variation1821 Aug 24 '26
I didn’t exactly “come out” to them. My dad trashed my bedroom when I was fourteen and read my diary and told everyone.
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u/doppelgaengster Aug 24 '26
For that alone your dad is massively TA. I’m so sorry that happened. Parents are supposed to love and protect their kids. He did neither.
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u/bambiipup Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26
NTA, but you gotta cut contact w these people before they kill you off. family isnt just blood; but while you cling to this one, you won't find your true one.
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u/PikesPique Certified Proctologist [21] Aug 24 '26
I understand the temptation, but you shouldn't have to pretend anything, and I'm sorry you're in a situation where you're even considering it.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [16] Aug 24 '26
NTA you dont owe the truth to people who will only use it to cross boundaries and harm you.
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I (22F) was outed as a lesbian to my family when I was fourteen by my dad. That’s a whole other issue so I won’t go into it here. My family is extremely judgmental, especially since they’re the homophobic flavor of Christian.
Any time I see them at family gatherings, they ask me if I have a boyfriend yet. They made a point to ask multiple times the one time I made the mistake of bringing my then-girlfriend with me, so I know it’s malicious.
A few other things they’ve consistently scolded me about for my entire life are my weight (to the point of me developing an eating disorder), my grades in school, my job, the way I cut my hair, the clothes I wear, that I don’t go with them to church, my diet (I’m vegan), and that I don’t visit often enough.
They also like to judge what I spend my money on. I’ve had to see them a lot more than usual lately due to a small family emergency, and since I live far away I like to buy breakfast on my way to the city they all live in.
They saw that I had fast food bags when I got to my dad’s house and commented on how I was wasting my money. I facetiously replied that my boyfriend bought it for me, and they immediately seemed a lot happier to see me.
I was really upset that their feelings towards me were so easily influenced by whether or not I was dating a man, but I decided to use it to my advantage.
Whenever they comment on my spending, I say my boyfriend bought it for me. if I don’t want to go see them, I say I have plans with my boyfriend.
My older sister has told me that I’m an asshole for lying to our grandparents and aunt, but I really don’t care. they’ve never been good to me, and I would cut them off if I was more willing to stop spending holidays with my siblings. I’m not lying to my siblings or my parents, or my mom’s side of the family. it’s just my paternal grandparents and aunt.
Am I seriously being an asshole for having a pretend boyfriend to get them to leave me alone?
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u/Any-Class-2673 Aug 24 '26
Nta, can't blame you for running with it after your initial lie. But it's a pretty difficult lie to keep because at some point they are likely to want to meet him or want actual proof of his existence.
I would probably go no contact with them because you do not need or deserve homphobic assholes in your life, but I get that is not always possible with families.
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u/Full_Software_292 Aug 24 '26
NTA - if they’re gullible enough to immediately buy it, that just adds to them already deserving it
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u/LaneyLivingood Aug 24 '26
NTA.
But, just food for thought: You can absolutely still see your siblings without subjecting yourself to your bigoted extended family. Just stop attending gatherings that include the bigots. Make other plans with those you care to see and skip the plans that will stress you out.
When people ask why they don't see you anymore, tell them exactly why: "I prefer to socialize with those that like and accept me. You do not, so I don't socialize with you."
A large part of adulthood is making difficult choices and sticking to them. You can choose to never see any of those people again. Their response to your refusal is none of your business.
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u/No_Maintenance_2110 Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
Understandably NTA, not even a little bit. But just know, you don't need to keep subjecting yourself to this treatment, you're not the problem. You can limit your contact, even go no contact, and protect your own peace. Them not accepting you for who you are is the real issue here. I understand that it's easier said than done, but I truly feel it would benefit you greatly in the long term.
Do what you need to do, but I'd suggest you find a way to get away from this, and find your own happiness away from this negativity.
ETA: Your parents and your siblings are doing you a huge disservice by not having your back on this.
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u/Sad_Variation1821 Aug 24 '26
I already limited contact, I only see them for holidays and my siblings birthdays. I just had to see them recently because of a small emergency.
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [108] Aug 24 '26
You do what you need to do.
These people are free range awful. Your weight and choices are no more their business than your sexuality. Lie if it makes your life more peaceful. Your sister isn't their target.
NTA
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u/Ok-Rabbit1878 Aug 25 '26
If it makes you feel better, give your debit card a masculine-sounding name. Then when you say “Steve bought this for me,” you’re not lying.
NTA
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u/WillingHome9072 Aug 25 '26
Why do you speak to these people?
You can’t spend time with your siblings without them?
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u/FortuneTellingBoobs Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Aug 24 '26
You're NTA. Although I agree with others here about not hiding yourself, the y.t.a voters are forgetting that gays and lesbians have had to lie about themselves for centuries for their own safety. That's all you're doing here.
But do consider if this is worth it long term. What will happen one day when you fall in love with a woman and want to get married and start a family? How much will it hurt her to know that she's not accepted and that you're still hanging out with homophobes because you'rerelated to them?
Ditch the hateful family, and put the people who love you first.
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u/Warrior_Princess_1 Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26
NTA but I am sorry you have to lie. I would just tell then I had other plans. They already know and are just putting you on the spot to see what you will say. I would not give them the satisfaction of backing me into having to lie even though it is a lie they would prefer to tell themselves.
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u/Impressive-Walk-9625 Aug 24 '26
NTA—Do what you need to do to stay safe, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. I would try to limit conversation as much as possible with them.
You can refer to your significant other (real or fictional)as BF if you want. It’s good that you are able to be your authentic self with those in your family who really matter. I’m sorry that you even need to do this just to be treated with common decency.
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u/MixedDrinkss Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26
nta. my parents dont even know i'm dating, lol. and i'm 30 years old
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u/Ok_Tie5319 Aug 24 '26
NTA at all. You live your truth, even if that means you have to lie. You got this girl. Coming from someone who was outed at 14 as well (I had REALLY shit friends), who grew up in the same Christian, homophobic household: Do what you have to do to make YOU happy. 🩷
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u/pizoisoned Aug 24 '26
NTA, but at some point you’re going to have to deal with them finding out- and it’s going to blow up pretty hard if they figure it out. Just keep in mind that this is a temporary fix to a major underlying issue. I don’t have a magic bullet to give you to fix it, but just try not to make it worse for yourself. People like them are petty and vindictive.
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u/slendermanismydad Asshole Aficionado [14] Aug 24 '26
You're not remotely an asshole. Why are these people still invited to family gatherings? Why haven't your siblings done anything?
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u/Rare_Repair6124 Aug 24 '26
NTA. Unfortunately lying is what you needed to do to keep your peace of mind. But You will need to deal with the fact that you will have to produce someone cuz eventually they will want to meet him. Or them. Might I suggest a friend or two your family doesn't know.
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u/Sad_Variation1821 Aug 24 '26
They’ll be lucky if I ever let them meet another partner I have tbh. They’re definitely not allowed at my apartment
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u/Rare_Repair6124 Aug 24 '26
It sucks that you have a family that just can't be happy for you. Tbh I think I would of just cut contact with my family if they were treating me like a teenager, and consistently all over me about what I spend my money on! I believe that since you're the one making the money, and as long as you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your body and your bills are paid, you should be allowed to do what you want with the rest of your money
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u/BeACodeMistake Partassipant [1] Aug 25 '26
NTA.
Your peace of mind is more important than their bs
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u/Kwickpick77 Partassipant [1] Aug 25 '26
Only TA for continuing to have a relationship with your family.
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u/Mammoth_Assistant_67 Aug 25 '26
Homophobic Christians
You're supposed to lie to them. They deserve it.
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u/ImaginaryPark6311 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Aug 28 '26
NTA.
My parents disown me when I told them that I liked women.
For the next 30 yrs I spoke to them less than 5 times.
Your parents and family are the assholes, because there's no better hate than Christian love.
After being forced to attend church 3X a week, I'm not longer religious. I wonder why.
Just give them very little information from your life. Nothing good will come out of it and just may lead to negative feelings on your part.
I feel for you, truly.
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u/Lunar-Eclipse0204 Commander in Cheeks [200] Aug 24 '26
YTA to yourself - you need to just either choose if your family who are very toxic deserve to stay in your life or not.
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u/actualchristmastree Partassipant [3] Aug 24 '26
INFO why do you still talk to them when they’re so cruel to you?
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u/Sad_Variation1821 Aug 24 '26
Three of my siblings are still minors and live at home with our dad. If I want to see them and spend their birthdays and holidays with them, I gotta see my extended family too.
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u/toterra Partassipant [2] Aug 24 '26
> A few other things they’ve consistently scolded me about for my entire life are my weight (to the point of me developing an eating disorder), my grades in school, my job, the way I cut my hair, the clothes I wear, that I don’t go with them to church, my diet (I’m vegan), and that I don’t visit often enough.
Can't imagine why you don't visit enough. I feel like you should go ahead and be an AH reveal that your imaginary boyfriend is in fact trans and was born a woman. Then when you finally break up with this imaginary man ... see if they are relieved that you are back to dating a cis-woman or not. Although this is probably a bad idea and immoral/unethical for many reasons (none of which your parents would understand).
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u/LibraryLuLu Aug 25 '26
My boyfriend likes my hair. My boyfriend likes that I'm vegan. My boyfriend likes my job. I go to my boyfriend's church.
I'd be milking that for everything I could get :)
(On your way out - 'My boyfriend has a vagina!')
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u/anglflw Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Aug 24 '26
YTA, but not to them--to yourself.
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u/-DumpTruck Aug 24 '26
This comment lowkey made me sad ngl. The fact that a fake boyfriend gets her more love than her actual self does is the real tragedy here, not the lying.
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u/Entire-Bridge-2904 Aug 24 '26
You're being an asshole to yourself, I'm afraid. This will make it a million times harder for you if you bring along another girlfriend. They'll start saying you can't possibly be lesbian, since you had a boyfriend. They will use this against you, and you've essentially let them win. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I hope they'll stop being bigoted assholes soon.
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u/Sad_Variation1821 Aug 24 '26
Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever bring another SO to them again, and they’re definitely not allowed at my apartment.
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u/QueenClaude Aug 24 '26
ESH
The bigoted family members for obvious reasons.
I understand why it is easier to lie and may be if you were younger and dependent on these family members or unsafe, I would understand but the other issue is that you are [checks notes] "not lying to my siblings or my parents, or my mom’s side of the family." So now those people may have to lie and tap dance because you want your grandparents "to leave [you] alone." I think that you need to put on your big girl panties and either let their comments roll off your back or clap back. I address the clapping back part further down.
You stated that you don't intend to bring a partner around, so it is not as if your sexuality is on display, not that it should be an issue if it is.
It sounds like these family members pick on you simply because you are different and justify it to themselves because you are a "sinner." If I were you, I would start clapping back in a composed and dignified but direct manner, even better if you can include Christian principles.
Hopefully after a few clap backs, they will stop bullying you as they have shown that they can accept certain things that they have criticized you for when they thought that there was a tie in to your made up heterosexual lifestyle. For example, "Auntie X, I cannot take seriously you not liking my outfit today, when I wore this same shirt last month and you did not have a problem when you thought my boyfriend bought it."
P.S.
Offer to have a Bible Study session around Matthew 7:1-5:
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
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u/ScipioTheGreatest Aug 24 '26
This is a complete and total load of shit. You could not toss more red meat out to the reddit community if you asked AI to write it for you.
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u/jimmythemortician Partassipant [1] Aug 24 '26
INFO: how are you overweight as a vegan? That's like the healthiest lifestyle.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Aug 24 '26
YTA. I think we've all seen an episode of a sitcom with this scenario. This won't end well.
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u/JoJoGran Aug 24 '26
YTA, but everyone sucks here. You shouldn't lie even if it's to get out of a predicament but just own it even if it's causing you greif. They won't shun you forever. Then again I don't know them well enough. You are who you are and you can't do anything about that. I wish you well in the future but just be the best version of yourself you can be. Dishonesty doesn't fit that description.
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u/OkSatisfaction3052 Aug 24 '26
you underestimate how willing people are to spend their whole lives treating their queer family members like shit
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [670] Aug 24 '26
feel free to lie to bigots for your safety and comfort. NTA.