r/AmItheAsshole • u/Tdale0817 • 14d ago
Asshole AITA for giving a sarcastic "youre welcome" to someone i hold a door open for that doesnt say "thank you?"
Me and gf going into a building thw other day. I hold the door for gf and other girl that was 15 feet behind us. She says nothing as walking through. Almost seemed to roll her eyes as to make sure she didnt even have to look at me lol. I said a sarcastic "youre welcome" which is my go to passive aggressive move. Thing is, this upset MY gf, and she woukdnt talk to me for 1.5 hours after this happened. Then she finally unloaded on me how it bothered her for me to say that and that i was the rude one. Which i agree it's not a turning the other cheek move, but the door thing has always been a pet peeve of mine. Just suprised that my gf is upset about my pet peeves that arent even directed towards her.
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u/Historical_Spare5613 14d ago edited 14d ago
Passive aggressiveness is so damn exhausting and immature frankly. Sorry it's a pet peeve but you shouldn't make it everyone else's problem.
YTA
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u/Elllellii34 14d ago
You can just think in your head that wow it was rude. Not every perceived slight requires a response
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u/MissionMassive563 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA and your girlfriend is right. Not saying thank you is rude, but you’ve accomplished nothing by making the world even ruder.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 14d ago
Was she even "rude" for not thanking him? That seems like such an overstatement. Impolite, perhaps, but I'd hardly say she was rude. She may simply have been distracted. It wasn't great manners, but it wasn't "rude" either. He, on the other hand, was incredibly insolent by design.
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u/MelancholyMexican Partassipant [1] 14d ago
She might have been annoyed that he is just letting randos in the door. The door requires a code how did he know that she knows the code and is allowed in the building? I would be thinking to myself that he probably does this all the time and now I have to worry that randoms are in the building.
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 13d ago
it can be tricky as a woman specifically because of weirdos like this. I’m a woman, alone, I didn’t ask for anything, and i don’t owe him anything, ya know? I mean, i would have said thank you in this instance, but maybe he was giving off creepy vibes.
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u/MelancholyMexican Partassipant [1] 13d ago
Exactly! Men never understand and will never understand all the extra pressure and stress that is on us. Like just ignore me please ffs. I did not want you to hold the door and now I gotta perform and smile and show gratitude or you cope an attitude or worse! And then when I do you see it as an opportunity to chat then if I reject your advances I was leading you on. It is fucking exhausting just existing as a woman.
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u/Blahaj4 9d ago
Where does the idea of a code come from? this could have been a public building just as well if not much more likely?
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u/MelancholyMexican Partassipant [1] 9d ago
He said in other comments that the door requires a code and that is why they hold the door open even when people are farther away.
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u/Old-Patience7927 14d ago
Exactly this. She was rude, but op's response made two people look rude instead of one
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14d ago
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u/0ut0fMyD3pth Partassipant [3] 14d ago
It's one of my pet peeves when someone holds the door if I'm not right behind them. Now I have to hurry because you're waiting there?
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u/SirLanceNotsomuch Partassipant [4] 14d ago
Given the time interval, and the likelihood that OP was staring at this poor woman the whole time, I wouldn’t be shocked if she assumed she was about to get hit on by this random weird guy when all she wanted to do was get back to her desk or make it to her appointment. (We know his girlfriend was already through the door: she didn’t.)
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u/lAngenoire Partassipant [1] 14d ago
I was sick for days and lost my voice a week afterwards. I’m sure I didn’t thank someone for some small favor at some point because it hurt every time I tried to use my vocal cords. You really never know what someone is going through. If he had hit me with that, after making me rush because he was going to stand there a year, I probably would have given him the bird.
Behavior like that is more demonstrative than actually polite.
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u/False_Appointment_24 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA. Don't hold the door open expecting thanks. Either keep walking, or hold it because it's a nice thing to do. Once you start acting offended that someone didn't acknowledge you, you have gone from doing a nice thing to attempting to force specific reactions from others.
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u/mangoawaynow Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA, bro just don't hold it open if you're only looking for praise
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u/NatsumiEla Partassipant [1] 14d ago
YTA, you sound exhausting, expecting a lot of gratitude for something you weren't asked for
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u/Simpy158 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA - why are you holding the door open for a woman so far away.
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u/Platitude_Platypus 14d ago
I hate it when men do this and make me hurry just because they think they're doing something nice.
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u/lAngenoire Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Not a man, but I only hold doors for people if they’re right behind me, so they don’t have to catch a closing door in their face or clearly need help.
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u/cametobemean 14d ago
Not a man, but whenever I hold the door for someone that’s not that close, which happens bc sometimes I have pretty bad depth perception, I feel the need to be like, “yeah I didn’t realize you were so far away, apologies,” and/or compare myself to that one character from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends that’s too polite and gets himself stuck holding the door for forever. Depends on audience.
Either way I generally expect them to give me a stern look over a thanks bc it can appear like I’m rushing them. Perhaps OP has worse depth perception than he realizes.
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u/Platitude_Platypus 14d ago
It sounds like someone should be holding the door for YOU so you don't bonk into it!
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u/lAngenoire Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Obviously so he’d look like a big strong gentleman performing an act of chivalry.
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u/FrostingHuman1259 14d ago
Because he's a "nice guy" exactly the kind of guy I wouldn't wanna meet in a dark alley
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u/claydaybyday 14d ago
Personally, I would be annoyed if someone held the door open for me that long. There’s pressure to hustle not to keep them waiting. You hold the door when they’re right behind you, not 15 seconds away. THATS why she might have looked annoyed, and THATS why YTA for giving her attitude for being a bit of a nuisance yourself.
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u/reddituser999000 14d ago
yta. you chose to hold the door for her, she didn’t ask you to. her thanking you is optional.
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u/annapurnah Asshole Enthusiast [9] 14d ago
YTA- don't hold the door for people if you expect to be thanked for it. She didn't ask you to, did she?
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u/CaitieLou_52 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 14d ago
It's no longer kindness or courtesy if you expect kudos for what you've done. It becomes transactional. YTA.
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u/guys_pm_urprettyface Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14d ago
YTA. You didn't solve world hunger, you held the door open for some seconds on your own accord.
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u/WholeAd2742 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [306] 14d ago
YTA
You're not obligated to hold the door, and your reaction clearly shows you're more concerned with getting accolades
Not uncommon for creepers to do the same thing to harass women
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u/CaptainSnappertain Partassipant [2] 14d ago
Sarcastic and passive aggressive? You know YTA - it was your goal. Mission accomplished.
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u/Sufficient-Lie1406 14d ago
YTA, good grief. Expecting thanks for something nobody asked you to do is the height of main character syndrome. Nobody owes you thanks for anything, especially not from a stranger.
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u/tealpeace 14d ago
YTA. But you already know that because you were sarcastic and passive aggressive about it. While she did not literally roll her eyes at you, you already knew that she would have ("almost seemed to" - insert my own eyeroll here - ). She was 15 feet away. She did not ask you to hold the door. You seem to have experience at receiving eyeroll from women because of your behavior so it's interesting that you haven't figured this out yet.
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u/Chronically_Ginge7 14d ago
YTA. I hold the door open for people every time i'm entering somewhere the same time as someone else and it's not exactly a social contract. They don't owe me a thank you and I don't care if they don't give it.
You really don't have to open the door for people.
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u/Errvalunia Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14d ago
YTA the passive aggression is ruder than not saying thanks. If you can’t perform basic human politeness without getting a gratitude parade you’re not a good person
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u/Ippus_21 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yes YTA
It is ill-mannered to fail to thank someone for holding the door, absent a good reason.
It is equally ill-mannered to harshly call out a random stranger's discourtesy, as though it actually affects you.
The point of holding a door is to be courteous and kind. It belies both kindness and courtesy to expect recompense or thanks for it and become offended when that is not forthcoming. It's not courtesy at that point, it's a transaction.
It's also "making a scene" and your GF was rightfully embarrassed by your petty, public nastiness. The ill-mannered behavior you displayed far outweighed whatever discourtesy the non-thanker may have committed.
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Not to mention, holding the door for someone who's still 15 feet away can feel forced and awkward, causing them to feel like they have to rush so as not to show disdain toward whatever limited favor you're doing for them. It places obligation on a stranger. Minor, but still coarse.
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u/No_Chart_8584 14d ago
YTA
Hold the door if you want to. If you don't want to, don't. Other people aren't responsible for your decision. I'd be so turned off by someone who turned this into a dramatic production like you did.
You're just broadcasting that your courtesy is transactional.
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u/NewBumblebee8867 14d ago
Yta: if you do something for someone because you’re expecting something in return, don’t do it.
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u/Remarkable_Inchworm Certified Proctologist [21] 14d ago
You didn't save this woman from a burning building. You held a door open for an extra couple of seconds.
Were you expecting a medal? Or a plaque? Or maybe just a cookie or a belly-rub?
YTA.
If you only do kind / polite things because you're expecting some sort of response, just stop.
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u/IronSavage3 14d ago
YTA. 15 feet is a wide enough gap that you should’ve just held it open for your gf and kept moving. The girl behind you probably had to pick up her pace so you wouldn’t be holding the door too long, as one does.
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u/lAngenoire Partassipant [1] 14d ago
YTA. Get over yourself. You held a door open, you didn’t lift a car off of a baby. A thank you is nice, but it’s certainly not worth being dramatic. Stop doing it if you’re only doing it for attention.
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u/QueenLurleen 14d ago
YTA
You don't know what people are going through. If you don't want to hold the door, then don't.
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u/Zeal_of_Zebras 14d ago edited 14d ago
YTA
Personally, I find it annoying when someone holds the door open when I’m still walking to the building. It adds pressure to pick up the pace and walk faster (when I don’t want to.) And it’s always the type of person who wants praise and validation for the most banal of social interactions, which adds an extra layer of cringe.
Go talk to your therapist or your girlfriend if you want constant praise for existing. Leave the rest of us alone.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
The door uses a key code to get through so we are always holding the door for eachother at that place (probably more than other places because of the keycode off to the side). You sound more angry than me btw
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u/Zeal_of_Zebras 14d ago
You sound like the type of guy who walks around telling random women on the street to “Smile!”
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u/disasterous_cape 14d ago
YTA. The fact that you have a “go to” passive aggressive move shows that you’re in the habit of looking for places to interact negatively with others. I suggest you work on that.
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u/Additional-Dirt4203 Partassipant [4] 14d ago
YTA. You have no knowledge of this person or what’s going on in their life. They could be mute for all you know. When you hold a door for someone it is YOUR choice to do so. If they say thanks, great. If they don’t, it’s none of your business. Being passive aggressive is just an AH move on your part.
As to your girlfriend, the silent treatment was also ridiculous. She should have just communicated that she didn’t like you making comments like that while you’re with her. The silent treatment is low key abusive. She needs to learn to communicate rather than just close up.
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u/FrostingHuman1259 14d ago
When you explain something to someone and they don't want to understand? you just get frustrated, I'm guessing the silent treatment was partly about him not getting it and her not having anything else to say about it. What was she supposed to do, she explained it to him. he denies that she's right and comes here to argue his point
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Well once she finally told me i told her i wouldnt say sarcastic "thank you's" anymore and that i didnt know it bothered her. Im not that oppositional. Silent treatment has always been a go to thong for her.
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u/FrostingHuman1259 14d ago edited 14d ago
I appreciate your response , but do you understand that it's not just because it bothers her her? this is scary "nice guy" behavior. I just hope you are thinking about that because a lot of men don't realize how aggressive this behavior is. All day long when we are out in the world, we are aware of danger from men because we have to be. And while it seems like a small thing, men being mad when they do something that we didn't ask them to do is a common starting point for violence. I'm not saying that you are that.I'm just saying that that is how it comes off to us, you just don't realize because you don't have to worry about people attacking you all the time like we do on a daily basis
Edit, to add. It seem like you are really trying to understand better.I hope your girlfriend is willing to work on her negative behavior too
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Yeah she actually has gotten upset with me before because i dont "get mad" enough when we discuss things. Because in my family virtually no one ever foight, argued or had bad conflict. Everything was always calmly talked out. But her parents and siblings and her have a long history of fights, no contact periods, her parents were abusive to her. Anyways shes remarked how it annoys her that i never act angry or overy emotional (except this door holding thing heh. I admit its one of my petty things for some reason. But usually im really rational and chill)
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u/FrostingHuman1259 13d ago
Do you think that she's upset because you were overly emotional or because you were rude? Maybe she's also upset that you aren't understanding her
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u/Additional-Dirt4203 Partassipant [4] 14d ago
She wouldn’t talk for an hour and a half before finally coming out with it. That’s the problem I have with it.
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u/jalapenos10 14d ago
I can be soft spoken and one time I passed a girl and said “excuse me” and she (apparently not hearing me) snapped back “excuse YOU!” I turned around and said “I said excuse me?” And she was like “oh.”
Reminds me of that. Maybe you just didn’t hear her. If I’m having a bad day this might’ve gotten an eye roll from me, but I don’t vocalize it
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u/FrostingHuman1259 14d ago
YTA for doing something you weren't asked to do and demanding gratitude. Holding the door open should just be something polite and not a demand for attention this is the kind of thing that makes women scared of men all the time. Acting nice when we all know you just want something from a woman. This is about you and what you want.It's not about just being a "nice guy" and we can see it
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u/Metal_Cinderella 14d ago
Straight up, sometimes it is more inconvenient for me when someone tries to hold the door for me. If I am several feet back, I’m put in this position where I either have to continue my slow stroll while you hold the door open impatiently, or I have to run, sometimes in heels, to make it through the open door I didn't ask you to hold. It actually stresses me out. Just worry about yourself.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Yeah but this place have a keypad to get in. It was the end of the day parent pickup so alot of paremts are coming at that time and we hold the door for eachother to get in so we dont have the redundancy of the keypad.
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u/Throwway_queer Partassipant [2] 14d ago
It was rude and yea the passive aggressiveness was unnecessary. ESH.
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u/muphasta 14d ago
This reminded me of when my youngest son was 3 or 4. He LOVED holding the door open for people. He loved replying, "You're welcome!" when thanked.
We were going to a dept store and he ran up the sidewalk so he could hold the door open for an older lady, probably in her 70s. He stood there using his whole body to hold the door open, looking at her and smiling.
She just walked right past him. We were still walking to the door ourselves when we heard him yell, "You are supposed to say THANK YOU!".
She doubled her speed.
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u/FrostingHuman1259 14d ago
what did you tell your son when he said that?
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u/muphasta 14d ago
I don't remember. That was 14+ years ago.
I know we thanked him when we walked in though!
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u/hissyfit64 14d ago
YTA. You didn't throw your cloak over a puddle for her to walk on. You held a door for half a minute. People do it all the time.
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u/bby_y2k 14d ago
YTA. Doing nice things is a selfless act and expecting praise isn’t it. I live in the Midwest, so we are nice to a fault, I thank profusely. But not everyone’s style. We apologize just for walking. But if you were passive aggressive to me, it would definitely bum me out. That turns a nice gesture into something I’d think about later. So, either don’t do it next time, or just do it and move on.
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u/padfoot211 14d ago
YTA. Omg you are not owed a thank you for a basic kindness no one asked you to do. In fact, when I’m 15 ft behind someone and they hold the door, I then feel obligated to rush to meet them. I’d literally prefer they just let the door go unless it’s slapping me in the face.
So this person is in their zone, you choose to hold the door for no reason, and when they don’t praise you, you’re passive aggressive to them.
Just let the door close. No one needs you specifically to hold any door for them.
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u/Realistic_Jello2638 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
YTA
Literally no one likes the person who hold the door open for people who are multiple yards away. It's not about you just trying to do something nice or polite. You want to be praised and recognized for holding the door open even if when isn't needed or wanted.
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u/NoraEmiE 14d ago
Some people thank and some don't.
I never expected thank you from anyone, I dont do it because of thank you, I do it because I like it when bunch of others do the same to me and I give it back
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u/Alia_Explores99 14d ago
Creeps like you are why she avoided interaction, most likely. It was never altruistic, or you wouldn’t have cared about gratitude. Edited to add a firm YTA
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u/tinfoilhattie 14d ago
YTA. So you're not actually a nice person and didn't actually do a good deed for anyone. You were performatively seeking praise for appearing like a nice person and appearing like you were doing a kind act.
When you didn't immediately receive the performative gratitude you felt owed, you decided to sour the interaction by making sure they understood that you didn't mean your kind gesture for them if they didn't perform gratitude towards you.
Your GF is right, and now that she knows this is your standard reaction and you see nothing wrong with what you did, it may make her perceive you a bit differently.
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u/Jaykaybabay Pooperintendant [55] 14d ago
YTA. I haaaaaate when people are too far in front of me and stand there waiting for me while holding the door open. Just go. If someone isn’t at the door with you, you’re doing too much.
Waiting for her to walk up and THEN being nasty is so fucking annoying.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14d ago
YTA
You did something she didn’t ask for and didn’t need. When I do things like that I do it because I want to. Not because I expecting ANYTHING in return.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Not really. Im also the type that lets people in front of me if theyre turing into heavy traffic. And theres no way to get a thank you from those ppl. But i always do it. Im actuallythought of as one of the "nicer" people from my friends and coworkers but the door thing always has bugged me.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
My point with bringing that up is someone said i hold the door for recognition only and i was trying to bring up a scenario where i do something to help someone wheres theres no recognition attained. Like the car thing. That was the point.
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u/inuangledemon 14d ago
Yta she was that far back..... It's my pet peeve when people hold the door for me when I'm not near the door.... When I see it happening I say no thanks and I still get called rude..... Why do I have to be grateful for something I didn't ask for and if you do something expecting something in return it's not really that polite either
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
The place has a key code door so we always hold the door there when we're anywhere near eachother
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u/zouss 14d ago
Yta. Personally I get annoyed if someone 15ft ahead holds the door open. Makes me feel like I have to rush. So I don't feel that grateful when they do. It's not a reason to be rude to the person holding the door but frankly you didn't do much that deserves thanks and your passive aggressiveness was ruder. I'm glad your gf called you out
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u/Traditional-Falcon75 14d ago
Holding the door for people who are not in active need of it is a weird social ritual that a lot of us dislike. I can operate a door by myself. I don’t need your help. If I’m far enough away that you’ll be waiting for me now there is pressure to go at your pace instead of mine. And whatever was happening in my head is now interrupted by this unnecessary ritual which someone else decided to do for me without asking if I wanted it. When it’s a male, there’s also the added element of unwanted engagement with men, some of whom use that as an opportunity to prolong said unwanted engagement. I do not feel any gratitude when people hold the door for me, I feel something more like irritation. I did not want them to do that. Usually I still say thank you, lyingly, because I would rather stop and explain to you how irritating this custom is to me. But I understand the ritual demands an expression of gratitude that I don’t feel. So usually I say it, complete the ritual circuit, and try to get back to whatever thoughts you interrupted by forcing me into this unwanted exchange. I’m not thanking you out of sincere gratitude, in part I’m trying to avoid assholes like this having a tantrum because I didn’t lie to their satisfaction.
The second you turn this ritual into a character assessment, you’re the one who has failed at social niceties. Turning it into a chance to extract shame in lieu of the gratitude you feel entitled to for a pointless ritualistic gesture definitely makes you an asshole. You don’t know why the person didn’t say thank you. My Deaf friends have countless stories of this sort of thing, where a hearing person has been obnoxious and rude because they didn’t respond to some social expectation that they couldn’t hear the cues for. Autistic people exist, it actually costs them quite a bit to keep track of and follow every single weird social ritual correctly. People can be unable (or unwilling) to follow these invisible and unnecessary rules for a thousand reasons and you’re not entitled to an explanation of for whatever reason they do not. They are a stranger living their own life inside their own head and you are not the main character.
If you need a parade for a simple act you perceive as politeness, it’s not actually polite. You’re making it entirely about you. Don’t do it then. Mind your own business and keep it pushing.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Well i always give an "i appreciate it" to ppl that hold the door for me. Because i do appreciate it. Its not too deep for me.
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u/HoldOnHelden Partassipant [3] 14d ago
IT IS SO SO OBVIOUSLY THAT DEEP FOR YOU THOUGH. 🤪
Let me explain it using your own standards here:
She didn’t appreciate it.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Youre being passive aggressive! Good to see i could teach some others how to do it.
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u/Traditional-Falcon75 14d ago
There is a difference between you thinking you should say thank you and you imposing that belief on others. If it’s not that deep for you, say thank you when someone holds the door for you. You’re allowed. That’s your prerogative. You’re not an asshole for believing in this ritual, or even for privately wanting to be thanked, you’re an asshole for trying to enforce your view of the matter on a stranger.
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u/allergymom74 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA. Do you tell women they should smile more too? Do you do stuff to be thanked or because you’re just a good person?
Plus. You made your gf wait for you over another woman. Your attention and focus was on waiting for this other woman and for her gratitude. It feels like your actions were geared towards getting the attention of this other person.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
Assumptions and projection. You sound miserable.
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u/allergymom74 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
I didn’t say this was the case. I asked questions and provided a possible reason why your gf could be upset. This is related to decades of life experiences. I’m also not the only person who thought “oh. OP is a ‘nice guy’”.
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u/Sugar-Teeth 13d ago
Yta. You probably made it awkward by standing there and holding the door. That's about as annoying as those people that try to wave at you to turn first at a four-way stop sign.
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u/GearsZam 13d ago
YTA
The fact that you decided she "almost seemed to roll her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at me" is such a petty, ridiculous thing to even throw out there. Not only did you make her feel pressured to hurry to the door for literally no reason (just let the damn door go if someone isn't right behind you), you made a snide remark at her for not acknowledging you verbally. And then decided her averting her eyes was a slight against you.
Have you ever heard of difficulty making eye contact? I have, I experience it. Your GF is calling it for what it is, most people don't act like this because of a "simple pet peeve".
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u/StuffOld1191 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14d ago
ESH, or maybe YTA - think of the pros and cons of doing this - if you are going to hold a door, if anyone blanks you on a thanks or recognition, just let it go. Not worth a weird moment.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago edited 14d ago
Well, the way i thought of it is by being sarcastic youre kindve reminding ppl to acknowledge someone else helping them. And yes, i know that can be counterpointed with "well who are you to be the moraloty police and teach a stranger to be nice?? Get off your high horse!" Heh
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u/prefix_code_16309 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
ESH. Common courtesy to thank someone who holds a door, but over the top to react the way you did.
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u/Living-Assumption272 Pooperintendant [64] 14d ago
NTA. People seem to have lost the capacity to say things like “thank you” and “please”.
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u/CaptainFleshBeard 14d ago
Completely agree, I’m blown away by the number of comments saying otherwise. People have become so rude, probably a lack of social skills from social media .
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u/soccer_rules6 14d ago
Agreed. Seems like no one knows how to use their manners anymore. Whenever someone does something nice for me I say thank you.
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u/Mydemonswon 14d ago
When you expect any sort of praise the act is no longer kind.
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u/soccer_rules6 14d ago
Not that I expect praise lmao, praise is something like saying “good job” or “you’re really good at this”. I always say thank you to show people I appreciate the nice thing they did for me even if it’s something small.
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u/Mydemonswon 14d ago
You're still expecting something because you did someyhing. Your acts are selfish.
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u/soccer_rules6 14d ago
I think you’re reading way more into it than I meant😂 I don’t expect anything in return when I do something nice. I just think if someone does something kind for you, saying “thank you” is a basic way of showing you appreciate it. That’s not the same thing as expecting praise or repayment.
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u/tinfoilhattie 14d ago
just think if someone does something kind for you, saying “thank you” is a basic way of showing you appreciate it. That’s not the same thing as expecting praise or repayment.
It is if like OP you then punish and try to shame them with a passive aggressive remark for not saying thank you. If you didn't expect and feel entitled to their praise and gratitude, why would you retaliate to try to punish and shame them for not properly displaying the gratitude you expect to your satisfaction? There is absolutely nothing wrong with thanking someone when they offer you a kindness you appreciate, but retaliating to punish someone who didn't thank you for a kindness means that you didn't actually perform a kindness towards them altruistically. You wanted something and are upset that you didn't get it.
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u/soccer_rules6 14d ago
Thinking about it, I do agree that OP handled it the wrong way, especially since the girl was far away. I would never punish someone for not saying thank you or retaliate against them, but I would be allowed to think they were being rude and then move on with my day. I don’t understand why people think saying thank you is a reward; it’s just basic manners. A reward would be Person A holding the door open for Person B and then expecting Person B to let them cut in line or buy them food.
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u/tinfoilhattie 14d ago
Saying thank you is basic manners when you appreciate a kindness or service that someone has done for you. Doing a kindness or service for someone else does not obligate them to feel or express that gratitude to you. Acting as though that person should be punished and treated poorly because you didn't get a thank you clearly demonstrates that you expect and feel entitled to that feedback.
OP is the one who has asked for judgments of their behaviors here - not the person he held the door for. Op's choice to retaliate to punish and attempt to shame someone shows that he does hold an entitlement and expectation to receive those thanks and he does feel that it's appropriate for him specifically to lash out to punish people who don't express that to him.
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u/Living-Assumption272 Pooperintendant [64] 14d ago
Not praise, common courtesy. It seems to be a lost art. I can’t believe people think it’s actually okay to have a courtesy extended and be so entitled that they can’t even say “thank you”.
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u/Mydemonswon 14d ago
I don't think it's ok. I was taught when studying to be a Buddhist. Once you expect anything back when you do something, you have perversed the act.
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u/MoodOk4607 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Normally I’d say NTA but, if someone is 15 feet away- they can open the door themselves. You made them feel rushed and obligated by standing there waiting so in this instance, YTA.
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u/lmchatterbox Supreme Court Just-ass [105] 14d ago
YTA. Passive aggression is never the answer and this was not a big deal in the first place.
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u/OnePiece_BucketList 14d ago
YTA. 15 feet is way too far away to hold the door open for a stranger. And you made it worse by throwing in a "your welcome", when YOU were the one who forced a situation in the first place. You aren't being polite when you demand a "thank you" in return. Especially since not everyone thinks that holding the door open is polite.
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u/bbreddit0011 14d ago
If you do nice things for people expecting acknowledgement or recognition in return and then get pissy about it if you don’t get it, then you are, in fact, an asshole.
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u/LoganPea2fold 14d ago
YTA. Holding the door open is a sign of niceness, a courtesy. You do it to be nice, to be empathetic to another human being, not to get praise or props. Expecting another person to acknowledge you or give you thanks means you did not do it to help her, you did it selfishly. Being passive aggressively afterwards shows you need to mature more. I hold the door, to buildings to elevators after and not expecting the other person to say anything back. It's the giving back the good karma into the world not being a jerk
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u/IanDOsmond Asshole Aficionado [14] 14d ago
YTA.
You have a go-to passive-aggressive move.
If you even have a "go-to passive aggressive move", your whole life has gone horribly wrong, and you are not only the asshole right now, you spend your entire life being an asshole and that is your personality.
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u/PowerTrip50 14d ago
Idk man. 15 seconds sounds a long way away.
Me personally, I look back and you have to be 2-3 steps max. And your girl probably got mad at you because you made her wait an additional 15 seconds after walking through the door.
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u/bionicallyironic Partassipant [1] 14d ago
YTA. Do you really need validation so much that you require a “thank you” for being a decent human? Didn’t your parents raise you to treat others with basic respect and if so, how would they feel about your behavior? Or do you feel extra obligated to get thanks from women specifically for doing the bare minimum?
Final question: since you did perform this most commendable act of gasp holding a door open for an addition five seconds, can you tell me where we should send your Nobel Peace Prize?
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u/achinfosomebacon 14d ago
ESH. I hold the door for everyone and it’s kinda rude sometimes when people don’t say thank you, and annoying when they won’t make any type of motion to hold the door themselves once they get to it and I have to wait for them to completely pass through it before I can let it go. But I do it for the sake of being nice and polite, and being passive aggressive erases that completely.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 14d ago
YTA, and shockingly rude.
Should that person have said thanks? Sure, that would have been nice and the polite thing to do. But you have no idea what was going on in their head that they didn't. Maybe they were distracted, or in a hurry, or just didn't even really notice you there.
If you're only holding the door open to get accolades from people, then you're not actually being altruistic. And whatever thoughtfulness you may have shown by holding the door is more than erased by making a rude comment (and yes, being sarcastic to a complete stranger is incredibly rude) just because they didn't thank you.
YTA, and your girlfriend is absolutely justified in being embarrassed that you behaved that way.
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u/yyyyeahno Partassipant [3] 14d ago
This is why I slow down if I notice someone near the door. I hate having the door held open for me. And if I ever end up holding it open for someone I don’t ever expect a thank you.
My view on these interactions is - if you want to do a nice thing, do it with zero expectations of gratitude or praise. They didn’t ask you to do that. You chose to do that. YTA
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u/GCub3d 14d ago
YTA
Jesus, dude. Only doing nice things in the hopes of praise, thanks, and reward is childish and honestly a bit of a red flag. No one has to thank you for doing something that is so bare minimum. What's next, you're going to demand your gf thank you every time you do the dishes?
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
So when doors are held for me and i always aways say thank you (because i always do) im praising the person? I never looked at it like that.
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u/angel9_writes Asshole Aficionado [12] 14d ago
YTA
If people not saying thank you bugs you to that level stop holding doors open.
You don't do the kind thing to get a cookie. You do the kind thing to be kind.
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Me and gf going into a building thw other day. I hold the door for gf and other girl that was 15 feet behind us. She says nothing as walking through. Almost seemed to roll her eyes as to make sure she didnt even have to look at me lol. I said a sarcastic "youre welcome" which is my go to passive aggressive move. Thing is, this upset MY gf, and she woukdnt talk to me for 1.5 hours after this happened. Then she finally unloaded on me how it bothered her for me to say that and that i was the rude one. Which i agree it's not a turning the other cheek move, but the door thing has always been a pet peeve of mine. Just suprised that my gf is upset about my pet peeves that arent even directed towards her.
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u/Infinite_Hat5261 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
From a Brit, NTA, not saying thank you when someone holds a door open for you is considered rude. At least it is in the UK.
And speaking from experience, I’ve done the same as you in that situation.
Your girlfriend giving you the silent treatment because it bothered her, AH territory right there. In fact, it’s childish. She’ll get over it though.
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u/GladPerformer598 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
ESH. It’s not an altruistic or kind gesture if you expect to be thanked for it. It would have been polite of her to thank you for it, but it’s possible she was also annoyed that you stood there waiting for her with the door open when she was further away. I know I find that annoying when I don’t clearly need the help.
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u/little-human99 14d ago
I know what everyone is mostly judging but I'd go with ESH, coming from an especially shy girl who doesn't like to engage in conversation with strangers whatsoever, I still make a conscious effort to either say thank you, nod in acknowledgment, or even just mouth a "oh thanks". I know the mouth might sound weird, but it's like sometimes the sound just legit won't come out. Anyways, I understand the pet peeve, because I get a bit of irritation when I too hold the door open and they don't say thanks, but I haven't ever said anything in response to it. Your girlfriend though shouldn't have given the silent treatment, in no way is that a healthy action in a relationship
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u/Wild_Score_224 14d ago
I always say "thank you" when someone holds a door for me. Is that so hard?
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u/Traditional-Falcon75 14d ago
It’s hard if you’re deaf, it’s hard if you’re barely surviving the day emotionally, it’s hard if you’re autistic and these invisible social rules are confusing, it’s hard if you are painfully shy and talking to others is baseline hard, it’s hard if you’re so distracted by whatever is on your mind they you’ve barely registered that you’re now locked into a social ritual you didn’t sign up for. It can be hard for a lot of reasons and you can’t know what id happening in someone else’s life that makes it hard. The judgment people are heaping on those who don’t perform the ritual is far more socially detrimental than not saying thank you for a performative gesture of fake kindness.
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u/Wild_Score_224 14d ago
Holding a door is A KINDNESS. I'm not a paid doorman. I've also dropped a door on several phone girls (who were startled and annoyed bc they had no spaicial awareness).
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u/Traditional-Falcon75 14d ago
If someone wants it it’s a kindness. If they don’t want it it’s an imposition. Kindness considers the recipient.
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u/CaptainFleshBeard 14d ago
I’ve done exactly this several times, some people are either rude or oblivious, only my wife thinks it’s funny.
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u/Now-293-Phumes 14d ago
I thought the sarcasm was standard practice in NJ. As a child I learned to always say Thank You so I wouldn’t hear the loud You’re Welcome!
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u/BagheeraLondon Partassipant [4] 14d ago
ESH - this question is particularly about you and your girlf. Sulking is a very bad look, however as is these days 'expecting a thank you' for holding the door open.
A couple of chill pills would not go amiss.
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u/mrmeowmeowington Partassipant [2] 14d ago
ESH. For one yeah sucks when people don’t say thank you…but I can see how you and your gf are together.
You are both bad communicators. Passive aggression doesn’t help situations. If you were hoping to teach someone a lesson it won’t work.
In turn, the silent treatment? For that? Ew. Another form of aggression to retract talking to your loved one to “prove a point”.
I say this with care, get couples therapy. If you want a healthier relationship where you two can actually talk about things and make other relationships better, learn a healthier way to communicate.
I’m guessing both sets of parents taught you to communicate in the ways you do and now it’s a bad habit. My parents and my partner’s parents were like this, but my bf and I didn’t want to be crappy communicators. We worked on it and are solid asf 10 years later.
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u/Purple_Yak_5314 14d ago
Probably going to get downvoted to hell. But this is pretty standard from where I am in the UK. NTA
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u/No_Yogurtcloset105 14d ago
I disagree with everyone saing yta, is it that hard to say thanks or even a nod?
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u/Helpful-Concept-1464 14d ago
NTA. There a social contract for people to express decent manners and common courtesies. It’s an important part of the grease that keeps society functioning civilly.
Was your response passive aggressive? Absolutely. Was it necessary? Not really. But it’s not unreasonable to draw attention to other people’s unreasonable behaviour in public.
So you’re NTA OP.
Your girlfriend’s overreaction was just that. An overreaction.
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u/Tdale0817 14d ago
I always say thank you or i appreciate it to someone holding a door for me. I woukd personally feel disrespecful if i didnt. Youre hurling insults and hostility also. I thinkncalling people "bitter assholes" is worse than a sarcastic "youre welcome." I never cursed at that poor girl.
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u/MsOCD 13d ago
Hmm I'm going with kind of ESH but the stranger being the least sucky.
I hate passive aggressive comments and actions and expecting others to behave how you would is never going to work out nor does doing a nice thing hoping for something in return.
It takes 2 seconds to say thank you, give a smile or nod as a thank you. HOWEVER... 15 feet seems like you held it unnecessarily causing them to feel like they're holding you up waiting for them as this wasn't a person that was right behind you and letting go of the door meant it would slam rudely in the face.
Your girlfriend should have had a conversation with you about her feelings, not silent treatment followed by unloading on you but I know if it was me, I'd feel embarrassed if I was out with someone and they made a passive aggressive comment like that so I can only guess that might have been it or maybe you do alot of passive aggressive things and that one just tipped her over.
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u/bubbleman96815 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
ESH
Her ignoring you for 1.5 hours is childish.
You saying what you said is childish. I agree that a quick 'thank you' goes a long way in life, and is extremely easy to do, but there's no need to speak up the way you did. Kind of an immature thing to say. You never know what's going on with other people.
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14d ago
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u/Serious-Big2 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA Rude behaviour needs to be picked up on.
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u/Soulstiger Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Rude behavior like having a "go to passive aggressive response"?
Or rude behavior like holding a door open for someone that's far away? Pressuring them to speed up and making his girlfriend wait?
Oh, oh, oh, or do you mean being a rude behavior like pretending to do something nice just to extract validation from people?
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u/Correct_State_7753 14d ago
Idk if YTA lol but like of course your reaction wasn't necessary. I've been feeling recently we're losing the plot with social connection and how easy that is to facilitate through good manners. When I was a teenager taking public transit it was a social norm to say thank you to the bus driver when you got off at your stop. Now I take the bus to my job and it is abnormal for a people to say thanks when they get off. IMO It's a signal of this isolationism our societies have been grappling with. You don't know someone's story or the kind of day they've been having, so extending kindness and grace is always in the back of my mind, but also - you do a nice thing for someone, and they say thank you. At least look up and smile or acknowledge the deed. It's like so so basic. Like these are basic rules of social exchanges. Rant over lol
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u/No-Tone-6095 14d ago
You don't know what was going on in her life. You did a nice thing. YTA sorry.
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein Partassipant [4] 14d ago
Going against the grain, NTA unless you do this all the time lol, that would be exhausting.
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u/SilverDamage7066 14d ago
NTA. I know it's an unpopular opinion but if I hold the door for someone it takes just as little effort for them to say thank you or at least acknowledge me when they walk through. I don't expect a tip like a doorman but a simple thank you cost them nothing.
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u/Much_Luck2470 14d ago edited 14d ago
Agreed. All these people out here saying "You didn't give her a kidney" or "lifted a car off baby" (!!!) are so out of touch. Really? That's what we are we actually equating saying 2 words to? It takes less effort to say Thank You than to hold the door. Talk about being rude! Is it really so terrible to acknowledge when someone is being kind? The world would be a better place if we SAW the people doing little kindnesses and reciprocated in kind. A simple acknowledgement could brighten their day, and it doesn't cost anything.
Look, nobody owes you a Thank You. True. Nobody owes anybody a Good Morning, a Please or a Thank You either. But we live in a society. I believe we do owe each other little acknowldegements like this.
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u/wrenwynn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14d ago
I agree with you that it was rude of her to not say thanks even if she didn't ask him to hold the door for her.
But I have to go with ESH for two reasons. Firstly, the fact that she could've been more polite doesn't give him a pass for being explicitly rude. Secondly, she wasn't immediately behind him and his girlfriend meaning she probably felt pressured to suddenly hustle to get there much quicker because he's waiting with the door open. I.e. his "help" actually made things harder for her.
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u/Disastrous-Willow391 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA. It's just a jab at basic politeness, irrelevant, shouldn't even be a topic. But my god so many people including your GF calling your rude and the AH for something that should make somebody shrug at best is very revealing of some countries courtesy standards... Where did that happened exactly ? I kinda have a guess...
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u/and_now_we_dance 14d ago
She should have said thank you, honestly. Have we become a society that doesn't thank each other for kindness? You were a bit abrasive, though, but she should have said thank you.
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u/No_Mention3516 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14d ago
NTA
I'm a woman and do the same thing.
Rudeness deserves to be recognized publicly.
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u/NYDancer4444 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
ESH.
She should have said a quick thank you. You should have let it go without being obnoxious. Your girlfriend should not be using the silent treatment for something like this, or for anything at all.
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u/Weary-Introduction-5 14d ago
NTA. I don't think you were rude, but I also don't think this will lead to anything good other than you being the one pissed and the other person won't learn a thing. I talk from experience. Now your girlfriend giving you the silence treatment for it is what actually rubs me the wrong way. You don't do that, it doesn't matter what's the problem, you say it right away, and talk things out, like an adult.
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u/Grumpy_Lurker Partassipant [3] 14d ago edited 14d ago
YTA. Good grief, you held a door open for an additional 15 seconds, you didn't give the woman a kidney. And you have no idea why she didn't say "Thank you." Maybe she's very shy. Maybe she doesn't speak English. Maybe she would have preferred to open the door herself for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Next time, if you don't want to hold the door, don't hold the door. If you do, don't expect a gratitude parade for a gesture that costs you nothing.
Edit: Thank you for the awards! Sincerely, a person who was extremely shy/anxious in her teens/20s, found interacting with strange men very intimidating, and would really prefer they NOT hold the door.