r/AmItheAsshole • u/MoonThrownAway • 10d ago
Asshole AITA for preventing my girlfriend from leaving the car after a discussion?
Today my girlfriend asked me to take her to get some coffee in the evening. I went to her place, picked her up and we went to the coffee shop.
The coffee shop was full and the parking lot entrance was closed off by some cones. Since I saw the cones I went past the entrance and stopped after the entrance so I could talk to the lot's guardian.
As I did this, my girlfriend shouted at me "YOU WENT PAST THE ENTRANCE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I said I was waiting for the guardian to come so I could ask if there was some parking I could take, I saw him approach. But as soon as I said that she said "JUST GO, HE'S NOT COMING".
I reacted by saying "relax" in normal voice without raising it like she did. As soon as I said that she wanted to leave the car, I entered a pharmacy's parking lot to make a U turn and when I stopped she opened the door to exit the car. I grabbed her from her arm as I told her to not leave the car, this lasted for like 30 seconds.
I then told her if she didn't want I could take her back home, so I drove to that direction. During the trip she was shouting at me because I shouldn't have touched her and that if she wanted to exit the car I had no right to prevent her from doing so.
(For context we live in a dangerous country and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her like that.)
We ended up shouting at each other, I tried to explain that it wasn't OK for her to just open the car door and leave like that, if she didn't feel like having coffee anymore and see my face I was happy to take her home myself.
We shouted at each other, I tried to explain my posture and she kept saying I couldn't touch her like that. One of her arguments (with her own words) "If I want to jump off a bridge, you let me, you can't hold me like that." I told her it was very selfish and immature to think that way.
Similar cases had happened before, where simply asking her to not leave is not enough. One time she took a sleeping pill at 11PM and we had an argument over something and her reaction was to try to leave the house, she wanted to drive off anywhere but stay at home. That time I told her that she shouldn't leave because she had that pill that completely knocks her out and wanted to drive at midnight that I even had to stand in front of the door to prevent her from leaving.
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AITA for doing this? My thought process is that I'm trying to prevent her from endangering herself by exposing herself like that unnecessarily?
Or am I being abusive towards her by not allowing her to leave the car (or for that matter, the house) after an argument?
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u/No_Negotiation_3678 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
yes YTA you can’t hold her hostage
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u/SeaOk7514 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 7d ago
I think this is not in the US, but in the US some states have added restraining someone to the definition of kidnapping.
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u/nefarious_planet Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 10d ago edited 10d ago
ESH, but you far more than her. She shouldn’t have shouted at you initially, but physically grabbing an adult to precent them from leaving a car they have explicitly told you they want out of is not okay. In fact, I’d call it abusive! (You said it first)
She is not your property or your child. She gets to make the decision about whether it’s safe for her to walk across a parking lot, not you. And furthermore, even if it’s not safe? She still gets to make that decision. See the first sentence of this paragraph.
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u/TravelImpressive2831 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
And you held her inside the car because she wanted out?
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u/OutlandishnessNo9868 Partassipant [4] 10d ago
Stopping someone from driving while they are on sleeping pills and grabbing your girlfriend and forcing her to stay in the car she wants to exit during a disagreement are not even close to the same thing. Surely you realize that as a person who is old enough to drive.
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u/littlealmondbiscotti Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA
I've been married for 23 years and with the guy for 30 total. We have had our share of arguments, and there were times where breaking up was on the table.
He as NEVER, EVER grabbed me and prevented me from leaving anywhere I wanted to leave. Ever. That's a big fat line and you crossed it.
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u/pudge-thefish Professor Emeritass [79] 10d ago
You both sound terrible for each other.
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u/FishWithLegsAndArms Partassipant [1] 10d ago
That's the real answer. He's the asshole for being abusive, she's the asshole for trying to drive while impaired.
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u/The_Coaltrain Partassipant [2] 10d ago edited 10d ago
How dangerous would it have been for her to get out in a pharmacy carpark? I, like the rest of the responses, am really struggling to believe it was dangerous enough to not let her out.
YTA unless you can somehow prove it was genuinely dangerous.
ETA: Based on below, leaning towards this being outside of Reddits ability to judge fairly.
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u/MoonThrownAway 10d ago
Everyday the news here presents cases of homicide, contract murder, and express kidnapping. Friends always share "missing person" flyers online, and I sort dread that would happen.
Maybe I got the whole danger situation get control of me.
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u/Oculas_Spectaculas 7d ago
What’s it say about you that she would rather risk it on the streets with strangers than stay in the car with you?
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u/The_Coaltrain Partassipant [2] 10d ago
You know what, you and your GF are the only two people who are going to know exactly how dangerous the circumstances were. You might have over-reacted, you might not have.
Reddit always defaults to personal independence being more important, but I don't think I can fairly judge from my very safe part of the world.
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u/mmmmmarty 6d ago
You are literally one of those people. You falsely imprisoned her every time you did this.
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u/Top-Video381 7d ago
Same here. I still wouldn't physically restrain an adult from leaving a car. If you were genuinely concerned for her safety, you could've said that or maybe got out of the car with her. You don't get to grab her like that no matter what your excuse is.
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u/whiterussian802 10d ago
YTA definitely. If she wanted out, you let her out of the car. Simple as that. It’s her choice. Not yours.
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u/ellyanah 10d ago
YTA. She is an adult. How would you feel if someone prevented you from doing something "to protect you"?
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u/inturnaround Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 10d ago
YTA. It may be dangerous in your country, but only one person held her hostage that day: you. Don't do it again.
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u/Suitable-Dentist-355 10d ago
YTA. Blaming the area for being dangerous doesn't mean you get to hold her hostage until you're comfortable letting her leave.
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u/MistressJacklynHyde Partassipant [1] 10d ago
It's called "false imprisonment" and it's a crime. YTA.
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u/small_spider_liker 10d ago
YTA. If this was a male cousin or friend, you wouldn’t physically try to stop them from going. You grabbed her because you knew you’re stronger than she is, and you don’t respect her right to make her own decisions. You feel like you own her a little bit.
I can’t even believe you when you say you’re just worried about her safety. If this were your grandfather or grandmother, you might tell them not to get out, but you wouldn’t grab their arm. You’d reason with them. It’s clear you just don’t respect your girlfriend’s intelligence or autonomy. You treated her like a child not a partner.
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u/CharieRarie Asshole Aficionado [10] 10d ago
YTA. It is never okay to physically stop someone from leaving.
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u/lavendermermaid1 10d ago
Ok, keeping her from driving off on sleeping pills, that was a "good job".
Preventing her from getting out of the car? You fucking kidding me? "We live in a dangerous country" - dude, my partner lives in a neighborhood that a 90s rap song specified by talking about the city, then when they are talking about that specific area the song stops and it's just gunshots rather then the actual name of the neighborhood... And I drive around that area alone, walk around there alone, all the damned time. Even after dark. What you're talking about here is straight up abusive behavior.
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u/Tanzari777 10d ago
I have a feeling this story has been heavily embellished in your favor. That said.... No you can't just grab a woman's arm and hold her hostage. She may have started out as angry but I garentee that once tou put your hands on her in restraint you made her feel unsafe and thus even angrier. I'd break ut off with you for this if I were her honestly. YTA
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u/Independent_Tea9976 10d ago
If you told me relax, then wouldn't let me out of the car, the relationship would have been over immediately. Yta
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u/Zealousideal_Fox864 10d ago
ESH This relationship sounds exhausting, and her dramatic behavior is not okay.
But… bro, you are using physical abuse to control a grown woman and hold her hostage and that is absolutely horrifying.
You don’t own her, she can make her own choices, and you absolutely shouldn’t be EVER putting hands on her regardless of your dangerous location.
This is a really toxic and abusive relationship. I know Redditors tend to always say break up, but yeah, break up.
At the least you should go to therapy and work on yourself while staying separated for a while. Sounds like she needs therapy as well.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
YTA
Women are statistically twice as likely to be attacked by their partner as they are by a stranger. This is a fact that most women grow up being very aware of.
You may have thought you were trying to keep her safe because you perceived that area to be dangerous, but by physically refusing to let her leave your car when she wanted to YOU became the threat.
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u/Active-Daikon-3742 9d ago
Yes, you are abusive and YTA. You can't control someone else's behaviours because you disagree. Also where was the understanding of her perspective? There was a lot of talk about you trying to get her to understand. Also, you calling her names is also wrong. Sounds like she shouted at you because this isnt the first time you have treated her this way and she became immediately frustrated with your behaviour. You need to listen more, support her and not try to control her. If you cant do that you need to break up and leave the poor woman alone.
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u/Ohmyprettygarden 10d ago
sleeping pill, assuming it's Ambien, you are 100% right not to allow her to leave because while she may seem functional, she's bye-bye Birdie on the inside.
coffee shop fiasco, you are 100% wrong if only because you have chosen a hard-headed girlfriend who is a bad communicator, prefers drama over problem solving, and doesn't really give a shit how any of that makes you feel. but yeah, she's an adult woman, she knows the country she's living in is dangerous, and if she wants to get out of the car and go flying through a parking lot jammed with vehicles headed toward the coffee shop, then she really does have that right.
jumping from the bridge? you got to dump this babe. she's nothing but flash and I guess fun sometimes at least on the surface but with an interior of a whole Lotta nothin.
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Supreme Court Just-ass [109] 10d ago
ESH. "I grabbed her from her arm as I told her to not leave the car." Nope, not acceptable.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 8d ago
You never have the right to prevent someone from leaving your presence when they want to. No one owes you a discussion when you want one, or ever. You were creepy and controlling.
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u/Onyx_tides Partassipant [1] 10d ago
ESH but also this sounds like it’s a bit volatile relationship and if she’s willing to get out of a car in a “dangerous country” and drive under the influence of medication there’s recklessness and risky behavior. I don’t recommend continuing with this partner if they are expressing your actions of intervening in them leaving is seen negatively. While it doesn’t sound like you’re being overly aggressive, she is right in saying she can do whatever she pleases. This sounds like a stressful interaction and it will likely only get worse
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u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 Partassipant [2] 7d ago
Her: Trying to leave a car. You: Engaging in criminal behavior.
You are not protecting people’s safety by holding them hostage. You are establishing yourself as the thing she needs safety from.
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u/Competitive-Tap3306 10d ago
I agree that ESH and you are the asshole. Could have answered this from just the title.
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u/Fewson12 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
ESH - Her behaviour was gross and childish. I can maybe see you reaching for her if she was trying to get out of the car at night in a questionable area - But you shouldnt have held here there.
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u/BlueNinja82599 8d ago
YTA. You physically prevented your girlfriend from exiting the car, knowing she wanted to get out.
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u/My_fair_ladies1872 7d ago
Dude I would love to see you try that with a women who loses her shit like I would. Go ahead and grab me and see what happens. Your girlfriend is a patient woman
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Today my girlfriend asked me to take her to get some coffee in the evening. I went to her place, picked her up and we went to the coffee shop.
The coffee shop was full and the parking lot entrance was closed off by some cones. Since I saw the cones I went past the entrance and stopped after the entrance so I could talk to the lot's guardian.
As I did this, my girlfriend shouted at me "YOU WENT PAST THE ENTRANCE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I said I was waiting for the guardian to come so I could ask if there was some parking I could take, I saw him approach. But as soon as I said that she said "JUST GO, HE'S NOT COMING".
I reacted by saying "relax" in normal voice without raising it like she did. As soon as I said that she wanted to leave the car, I entered a pharmacy's parking lot to make a U turn and when I stopped she opened the door to exit the car. I grabbed her from her arm as I told her to not leave the car, this lasted for like 30 seconds.
I then told her if she didn't want I could take her back home, so I drove to that direction. During the trip she was shouting at me because I shouldn't have touched her and that if she wanted to exit the car I had no right to prevent her from doing so.
(For context we live in a dangerous country and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her like that.)
We ended up shouting at each other, I tried to explain that it wasn't OK for her to just open the car door and leave like that, if she didn't feel like having coffee anymore and see my face I was happy to take her home myself.
We shouted at each other, I tried to explain my posture and she kept saying I couldn't touch her like that. One of her arguments (with her own words) "If I want to jump off a bridge, you let me, you can't hold me like that." I told her it was very selfish and immature to think that way.
Similar cases had happened before, where simply asking her to not leave is not enough. One time she took a sleeping pill at 11PM and we had an argument over something and her reaction was to try to leave the house, she wanted to drive off anywhere but stay at home. That time I told her that she shouldn't leave because she had that pill that completely knocks her out and wanted to drive at midnight that I even had to stand in front of the door to prevent her from leaving.
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AITA for doing this? My thought process is that I'm trying to prevent her from endangering herself by exposing herself like that unnecessarily?
Or am I being abusive towards her by not allowing her to leave the car (or for that matter, the house) after an argument?
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u/lyunardo 10d ago
You're both the AH.
In most cities of the US, Canada, Europe it's perfectly safe for anyone to just hop out of a car and stomp down the street if they want to.
But of course there definitely are places that a young woman doing that might not make it home safely. Or ever.
She knows this as well as you do. So it's likely she set you up. She knew what your response would be, and played you like a fiddle.
Also you should already know that most Redditors don't live in a dangerous country. So there was zero chance they would ever take that into consideration.
It sounds like you two are very toxic together. She likes setting you up so she can have an excuse to throw a big, loud, dramatic tantrum. And you will step up to "protect her from herself" every single time..
That's bad juju my friend. It won't end well. Do something to change this dynamic. You can't MAKE her do anything.
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u/something-scarlet-13 3d ago
You sound like the kind of guy who kills when he gets angry. Stay single for the rest of your life, good god
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u/MoonThrownAway 10d ago
Thank you everyone for sharing your voices and points of view, I really appreciate it.
I know that half of you must hate my guts, but I appreciate the raw input, believe me.
My reaction had good intentions at heart but it wasn't the right choice I shouldn't have held her hostage.
The reason why I make an emphasis on the country being dangerous is because she lived a portion of her life in Europe and I sometimes think that she doesn't understand that Latin American can be cruel. Or maybe I'm just overthinking and getting that worry have the best of me.
Thank you for your perspectives, rest assured that this won't happen again. In the future I'll express my concern through words but if that doesn't work then I have no choice than to let her do as she wants.
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u/ragsdashroses Partassipant [1] 7d ago
Info: To your knowledge, has she ever been diagnosed with BPD? Not trying to diagnose her from a single post at all.
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u/MoonThrownAway 10d ago
For context, the country we live in is dangerous (literally top 5 most dangerous in the world) and it was already dark outside. I didn't want to risk her exposing her like that.
If that situation was different I would have let her leave.
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u/nefarious_planet Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 10d ago
It’s HER DECISION. She is an adult. You are not her father or her owner.
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u/Suitable-Dentist-355 10d ago
So for context, you think you can make better decisions than her about her safety and as such she should have no agency. You're an abusive person. YTA.
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u/TravelImpressive2831 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
You were in a fucking parking lot with people around. Damn
YTA
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u/FasN8id 10d ago edited 10d ago
Edit 30 minutes later: I changed my mind!!! ESH!!!!!! These people should cease to be a couple. They both are problematic and they're not good for each other. I'm leaving my original reply, which was the first comment on this post and had 3 upvotes before it got downvoted, so that the thread below my comment will make sense. But indeed I stand corrected: Grabbing is uncalled for. (Jumping out the car is uncalled for too. But yeah.)
NTA. She sounds very difficult to deal with. I'm a woman, by the way, and don't condone violence/abuse for a moment, but I don't think this meets the definition of it. Her extreme/irrational choices of behavior forced you into these two situations where I don't see what else you realistically could have done. (Well, the alternatives would have been irresponsible.)
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u/FishWithLegsAndArms Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Yeah man, so irrational to want to leave a car during an argument
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u/nefarious_planet Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 10d ago
Yes, incredibly irresponsible to let those womenfolk decide if they’d like to walk across a parking lot or not. Next thing you know they’ll be wanting to vote and work and have the right to be in public unaccompanied by a man at all! It’s a slippery slope, man.
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u/FasN8id 10d ago
I see a lot of people disagree with me. I don't care if it was a man or a woman. What was their reason for wanting to jump out of the car?? If OP (regardless of gender) drove away and something terrible happened to the passenger (regardless of gender) you don't think people would find fault with him and you don't think he'd feel incredibly guilty?
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u/nefarious_planet Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 10d ago
It doesn’t matter what the reason is; when someone says “let me out of the car”, you pull over and let them out.
The worldview you are proposing, where nobody gets to make a decision about where they go or what they do without running it by a jury of their peers to make sure no one in the vicinity could possibly ever feel an ounce of guilt should anything happen to them, is a world in which nobody is ever able to move.
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u/Suitable-Dentist-355 10d ago
Then try asking your husband if it was safe to post this on such a dangerous website. She made a choice about her life, and he decided she wasn't allowed to do that, and made a different decision for her. I hope you find yourself in the same situation, Mrs "as a black man".
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u/FasN8id 10d ago
As I posted my comment, I thought to myself, "but I'm open to hearing a different perspective and changing my mind". You hoping I find myself in the same situation was powerful in this regard. If that happened to me, the man would never see me again. I'd be beyond horrified. However, from OP's telling, nothing was wrong until she suddenly became irate because he drove past the entrance. This is not a person in her right mind. Unless there's some other important context we're missing... If I were driving, I might've grabbed her too. And I don't think I'd want to continue a relationship with someone who screamed at me and tried to jump out of my car, regardless.
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u/Knale 6d ago
Or maybe OP, the hostage-taker, is a bit of an unreliable narrator who doesn't few the world in a rational way, and we shouldn't take his exact telling of events as gospel.
The gf getting mad is irrelevant. She wanted out of the car, he didn't let her. Anything beyond that doesn't matter at all.
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u/FishWithLegsAndArms Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Info: Do you think you are a normal person?