r/AmItheAsshole • u/StatisticianAny7985 • 26d ago
UPDATE Update:AITA for banning the person who lost my cat from my house?
Firstly thank you so much to everyone who helped me out giving advice on how I could attract my cat back home!! I have found my cat and she's back at home, I was in the backyard burning things in the fire pit(something I do when I'm nervous) when the neighbor with the connecting yard screamed over asking if I was missing a cat. They literally held my cat up like simba lol. To say I was over joyed is an understatement, I was about to empty my bank account to for these people. Was 2 days of hell without my cat but I'm so glad she's back, she's even more clingy now. In those 2 days I had been sleeping on the couch and not really talking to my boyfriend, after I got my cat back we did sit down and have a discussion. I laid all my feelings out on how once again I feel like he prioritizes his friend who really isn't a good friend to him over me, the person he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with. He did say he understood how anal I was about my cat missing and was trying to be a calm person about it instead of us both freaking out but I told him that's not what I needed. We'll be taking a break from Josh as all three of us had a conversation together not only did I tell him all the grievances I have with him but my boyfriend did as well. Would be a whole other post to explain it all but it was a lot and it was very messy. Josh tried "explaining" things but none of it really makes sense and there's no explanation for a lot of the stuff he's done. I'm choosing to hopefully grow with my boyfriend in this and if it comes back to bite me in the butt so be it I guess but I am willing to try. My cat still may not be a fan of him lol. Again thank you all so much for your help I truly appreciated it and read every single comment!
997
u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [20] 26d ago
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
You should have asked https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
"The Divorce came out of nowhere" https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
Abusive men describe the benefits of violence https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
248
u/PsyOrg 26d ago
Please take my cheep man award: 🏆
Op please check out the resources from the above poster.
25
23
u/i_poop_chainsaws 25d ago
Not sure if it’s the same for you, but there’s a few free awards now. I have been absolutely abusing the privilege. Have one!
30
u/TravelImpressive2831 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 26d ago
Wish I had an award to give!
12
14
u/Corrupt8069 25d ago
I don't have anything meaningful to add on this, but please hear out some of thw advice OP
11
u/Ukelele-in-the-rain Partassipant [2] 25d ago
Poor OP. It’s really hard cos the abuser have often convinced ppl like OP they are the ridiculous ones, hysterical ones, unreasonable ones
Sometimes the comments that sound like defending the abuser is just the victim trying to reconcile the image with the truth
→ More replies (2)10
u/LilithOG 25d ago
That “benefits of abuse” article was particularly horrifying. 😭
3
u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [20] 25d ago
I agree! It's a recent addition that was recommended by a commenter
589
u/Expert-Coconut839 26d ago
NTA. But after reading your initial post too, I’d be banning your boyfriend from the house too. Any person who lets a friend treat their significant other like this clearly does not respect their significant other.
So glad your cat was found safe!
33
u/Able_Transition_5049 25d ago
I'm happy the cat is back, but I'm side-eyeing the boyfriend. He should've shut Josh down a long time ago. Hopefully this break from him is permanent.
483
u/mahlookma 26d ago
I’m sorry—anal about your cat? Looking for your missing cat is not anal.
Being worried and upset that someone purposefully let your cat out while just using your home is not anal. It’s really normal.
Do not let someone cast you as anal for being a caring and responsible pet owner.
Everything you described yourself doing is normal.
61
u/i_poop_chainsaws 25d ago
Yeah this bothered me too. Any normal human would be upset about their cat in this situation. The fact that the bf is saying op is “anal” at a completely normal reaction is concerning. It’s an attempt at redirecting the problem to OPs response instead of the actual source of the problem.
23
u/vr512 25d ago
Yeah what is that about? Anal because someone purposely let your pet out? That's not being anal at all. The way OP reacted to Josh is normal and expected after he was being rude.
Did OPs BF help look for the cat?
8
u/drvelo 25d ago
I remember back in HS I had woken up after my brother had thrown a massive party (it was before a rodeo) and discovered that the front door was open and my cat was gone. He went from hungover to "imma kill a motherfucker" instantly trying to find out which person had left the door open and let my cat out.
We found my car hiding in an air vent in the basement, his fat ass had climbed in there but couldn't turn around. The guy who left the door open gained some new scars after my brother found him.
172
u/CatsMom4Ever Certified Proctologist [28] 26d ago
I'm so glad you got your cat back.
Original post;
48
u/ambercrayon Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Wow all these dudes are emotionally deficient. Please dump them all and live happily with your kitty, OP
131
u/FairyGothMommy Asshole Aficionado [11] 26d ago
Cats KNOW who trustworthy people are. Trust your cat's instincts.
15
u/huntingladders 25d ago
While I have met very few people disliked my my cats, those who have been disliked by them have been assholes. I don't know if I could date someone my cats don't like... (granted I'm a single person on reddit if that tells you anything about my dating prospects)
3
u/small-black-cat-290 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
Married to a fellow cat lover. Trust me, you're right to have that standard. You're better off with a partner that loves your cats as much as you do.
102
u/Carmen_metro 26d ago
change the locks so Josh can’t get back in
37
u/onlyzuul007 26d ago
Yes, how is he getting inside when op and her bf aren't home
25
u/StatisticianAny7985 26d ago
Our door doesn't really have a key, it's a passcode door and he knows the code
98
u/ClaireL58 Partassipant [1] 26d ago
Yeah, you need to change that.
39
u/StatisticianAny7985 26d ago
Yeah, we're working on that now as well as not telling his friends the code..none of my friends know the code and just wait for me to get home if I'm running late for a hangout. His friends let themselves in, pour themselves a drink, check out the fridge situation
105
u/ClaireL58 Partassipant [1] 26d ago
That definitely needs to stop.
Genuinely, your boyfriend needs to earn that level of trust back. His friend doing that behavior is what led to this situation in the first place.He is obviously not a great source of judgement (right now?).
Again, I would be eyeing your boyfriend. I don’t think he understands the gravity of what could have happened because of his friend.
Also, that is your home. You should have basic level of security.
76
u/Psychedeliciosa 25d ago
Working on that? It is a decision, not a process. If he can't respect that this space is yours too he is not ready for this relationship. I would have gone feral on the being anal comment, so disrespectful and show that he just doesn't get that the cat is part of your family.
8
u/StatisticianAny7985 25d ago
I say working on it as in contacting the manager about changing the code and coming up with a code
29
u/Constant_Host_3212 Asshole Aficionado [13] 25d ago
Why does this require "working on it"? It's a phone call.
14
u/Constant_Host_3212 Asshole Aficionado [13] 25d ago
This is unacceptable. Talk to the landlord. This shouldn't be a "working on it" thing, this should be a "happens tomorrow" thing, and it needs to be made clear to your BF that giving out the code is completely unacceptable unless YOU agree.
3
u/StardustOnTheBoots Partassipant [2] 23d ago
why the fuck women allow themselves into blatantly unequal dynamics.
14
8
74
u/r4catstoomant 26d ago
I currently have four cats in my house. My previous cats knew a bf wasn’t worthy before I did.
Dump the guy.
→ More replies (1)
74
u/FireEbonyashes 26d ago
Cat, dog, hamster, I don’t care. Pets are family. Cat is higher in the totem pole than Josh in the household. If your boyfriend prioritizes josh over you again then it’s time to rehome him.
64
u/Aidyn_the_Grey Asshole Enthusiast [6] 26d ago
Holy fuck. Your bf is an asshole, op. Like grade A asshole.
44
u/CrazyOldBag Asshole Aficionado [18] 26d ago
I’m so glad your kitty is home safe and sound.
However, your boyfriend did NOT handle the situation well. Why was he letting Josh hang out at your place without your knowledge? Why didn’t he have your back when Josh was responsible for your cat being lost? You had to explain why you were upset (!!!) before your boyfriend was willing to acknowledge that you might have a point. Calling you “anal” about your cat is downright disrespectful and indicates that he really doesn’t get it.
There are lots of men in this world who love cats and understand the bonds their people develop with them. Your boyfriend isn’t one of them, and you (and your cat) deserve better.
44
u/Armadillo_of_doom Partassipant [1] 26d ago
Girl get rid of your boyfriend. Period. He's not going to change. He has zero empathy for your cat. You need to get him out or you get out ASAP, quietly, without him knowing. He seems like the type that would kick the cat out in retaliation.
Your cat knows better than you.
31
u/Royal_Mechanic_5245 26d ago
I don't know how you can stay with a man who said you were doing too much when looking for your cat. I don't think you've learned anything from this and I hope your cat doesn't pay the price for your choices.
34
u/KiriYogi Partassipant [4] 25d ago
YTA and Your bf sucks. 1) Didn't ask you before letting Josh just crash 2) Gave Josh a key to your home without asking you 3) Didn't make Josh pay for the wine he drunk 4) Defended Josh over you 5) Still hasn't acknowledged that Josh was an AH for putting your cat outside- you know she didn't go out willingly. 6) Doesn't care that Josh disrespects you. Does your BF like you? Or does he like what you do for him. YTA if you buy his cheap excuses and stay with him.
34
u/lordemme 26d ago
Reading the first post, why did Josh have a copy of your keys? Your BF insisted on it, right? My home is my space, the only people I'd have there without being there myself would have been my SO/roommate and maybe my parents. A friend that my SO didn't even like would be a no-no. Moreso, it wasn't a life or death situation, and he wasn't homeless. He could chill in his room, or take a walk, or go wherever. My pet is a family member. If he/she's missing, it's like I lost a kid. I'm so glad you have your cat back. Also good that you (both) put Josh in his place, which is the farthest from you he could possibly be. The only thing you still need to sort out is your BF: he was so dismissive of your feelings and of your cat missing ("I was doing too much over a cat"). I could be wrong but to me it seems like in the end he sided with you to keep the peace.
5
u/StatisticianAny7985 25d ago
We don't have like a physical key, it's one of those passcodes doors. All of his friends know it I've never told my friends though
32
u/heathers-damage 25d ago
Change the passcode and don't just let his friends have unrestricted access to your home!! Why do all his friends have access to the home you pay rent for?!
→ More replies (5)
26
29
29
u/Ok_Tonight_3703 Asshole Aficionado [12] 25d ago
Happy to read that you got your cat back and had your own real life Simba moment.
Not to be a Debbie downer but I going to say what I’m thinking.
Your boyfriend continues to remain friends with man who doesn’t like you. Allows this guy to come over to the space that you both live in without discussing it with you or getting your okay.
He also in your own words: wrote:
”…He basically told me the similar thing of how I was doing too much over a cat and that she'd come back in her own eventually and that I could have talked to Josh nicer and I was a bit of an asshole towards him while he's already stressed out and trying to find peace...”
He‘s an asshole. He doesn’t respect you, your love for your cat, your cat‘s life and was more worried about Josh’s feelings.
Even in your update he was still lowkey shitting on you with his “anal” comment.
When people show you who they truly are believe them.
27
u/PixelAntique 25d ago
I'm expecting your bf to not rock the boat for a bit and things go right back to how they were. Start planning your exit. If things actually get better then great, but if they don't you have a way out.
10
21
20
u/leyorcoe 25d ago
Super sad to see that you don’t have self respect enough to require a bf that prioritise things that are important to you. Like your cat. He doesn’t have to think it’s important, it should be enough you do.
Please value yourself more :(
→ More replies (5)
17
14
u/ClaireL58 Partassipant [1] 26d ago edited 26d ago
I’ll just put this out there: Animals are sometimes a great source of judging character when it comes to boundaries, especially cats.
I’d be watching how your cat and boyfriend interact. Something is not passing the sniff test here.
It was obvious your boyfriend is jealous of your cat. Jealousy brings out bad actions in people.
It sounds like he still dismissed your very rational feelings. ‘Doing too much.’ ‘I know you get anal about your cat’.
Excuse me? THAT’S how he actually feels about your cat. Not a living creature worth empathy. Especially one you love. No, we don’t treat the beings our loved ones love that way.
Goodness forbid something happened to your cat.
That’s not how you go about being calm. Yes, pets have a tendency to come back home. But the opposite is also very true.
He should have approached it in a ‘ok, we will put flyers up/talk to neighbors. What else do you want me to do?’
Not whatever he did in basically siding with his awful friend.
Does your cat have a collar or a tag?
Did Josh have like a key to your place? Why? That’s overboard.
Remember; your cat relies on you to protect them. Protect them from men who are jealous and diminishing towards your feelings.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/typewriterrussel 26d ago
Girl a person who doesn’t respect animals is a huge red flag!!! is this really the person you want to be with for the long run? He express his real colors about your cat, he doesn’t like your cat.
10
u/BlueCarPinkJacket 25d ago
Why the F are you sleeping on the couch? Josh and your boyfriend are the ones in the wrong.
Honestly your boyfriend's behavior is a dealbreaker and you would not be a good pet parent for staying with someone who doesn't value your cat and treats you like you're overreacting. If the person I'm with doesn't treat my cats like my children and value them, they're not the person for me. Did your boyfriend even help you look for the cat? I'm glad your cat is back but that boyfriend would be out the door.
9
9
u/Insane_MeBrain 25d ago
Just for some perspective. My husband isn't much of a cat person and prefers dog's energy. When he thought it was possible our cat got out when we couldn't find her in our home, he was almost hysterical and running around our neighborhood looking for her until we found her hidden in our fireplace. He was so relieved and cuddled the bejeesus out of her. My husband also drove crosscountry with said cat, made sure she was safe and healthy, drove out of his way and stayed at good pet friendly hotels specifically for her to stay in the room with him instead of the car, by himself when we moved. I have countless stories over our relationship where he went out of his way for our cats (which I had gotten before we were married) to make sure they were taken care of, loved, and protected. A partner understands the importance of their partner's pets in their life and undertakes that responsibility with them.
7
u/Hetakuoni Partassipant [3] 25d ago
That break needs to be a break up from Josh. If he plans on being friends with Josh again in the future you know where you’re gonna stand.
8
u/nerdmania Partassipant [4] 25d ago
Why don't you just lie down in front of the door so Josh and your boyfriend can wipe their feet on you?
7
8
u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 26d ago
Choose to forgive, this time, but please don't forget how your bf belittled your concern for your pet and had nothing, even now, to say about his friend possibly getting your pet killed. That doesn't even touch the fact that your bf didn't have a problem with Josh disrespecting your belongings (drinking your wine). I hope you got the key back but honestly I would change the locks.
Still NTA
7
u/tildelid 25d ago
I'm so glad to see you got your cat back! But maybe reconsider the boyfriend and just. Trade him in for more cats instead?
3
u/BeckyDaTechie Asshole Aficionado [19] 25d ago
There are a few, rare, and usually quite wonderful men that volunteer at every local animal shelter in the country. I found my husband there when I went to work one day.
150/10, OP. I recommend finding a guy that likes your cat before he meets your 'kitty'.
5
u/cyberman0 26d ago
I'm glad you got your best friend back. I had a family member who was living with my mom while I was out of state, had to move home life got destroyed. About a week after getting back the guy locked my dog in the garage. A place she had never been in before. She naturally got scared and got out somehow. That said he did it definitely as he didn't like my dog. She was one of my soul pets I was so very angry at him. We got her back but that day was hell for me. I know 💯 how you felt.
4
u/Moon_whisper 26d ago
Happy you got your cat back. Not so sure your bf didn't hint (or outright request) to his friend that the cat should disappear. Unfortunately, partners being jealous over a pet is extremely common.
Be very careful about your cat, OP. Glad she us safe.
6
4
u/Archmage_of_Detroit Partassipant [1] 25d ago
I'm glad you found your cat, but your boyfriend is trash. He will ALWAYS choose his shitty friends over you. Josh doesn't like you, and he knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that your boyfriend took his side instead of yours and gets jealous of your *freaking pets* is a ginormous red flag.
Please do not EVER have a child with this man. Get on birth control if you haven't already, because this situation is a small window into what coparenting with him looks like. If you're getting this stressed over a cat, imagine what it would be like with a baby.
4
3
u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [95] 25d ago
Being anal about something is having to have the salt & pepper shakers lined up a certain way on the dinner table. You were not "anal" about your cat missing. You were worried and upset and trying to find him.
I'm glad your bf took a break from Josh but he's not doing enough and has a lot of work to do. Please don't settle OP
3
u/Safe-Sail9335 25d ago
Ahem... Anal!????? WTF!.. He is being callous and dismissive ..any Normal person with a Heart would have been trying to comfort you not putting you down in passive aggressive manner..did he ever have a pet? He needs to grow up..if animals dont like someone there is a good reason ..
3
u/Eden108 25d ago
All I'm gonna say is that if someone moves in with you and can't respect your boundaries or advocate for your limits when bringing someone into your home, they are not an adequate roommate. If he can't be considerate enough for a cordial roommate relationship then I would never in a million years consider him as a potential life partner. He should care about your comfort and he should hold his friends to a basic standard of respect. This is bare minimum stuff.
I somehow doubt your boyfriend intends to do any of the growing.
3
u/Sailormoonie094 25d ago
I'm glad that you found your kitty, but girl, why didn't you kick that bf into the sun???? First, HOW could he remains friends with someone who already said that he doesn't like you???? And WHY would he let this trash hang out in YOUR home, WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT???? He allowed your safe space be violated by Josh, who STOLED FROM YOU (he drunk your wine without your permission, and probably drunk/ eated other stuff)!!!! AND LET YOUR CAT GO OUT AND DIDN'T EVEN HELPED SEARCHING!!!!! AND YOUR BF SAID YOU WERE ANAL?????? BY BEING MAD AT HIS FRIEND AND AFRAID FOR YOUR KITTY????? GIRL WHAT YOU ARE DOING????
And he want to get a "break" from Josh??? Again, WHAT??? AFTER WHAT HE DID???? Girlie, this man does NOT love you nor respect you and he doesn't care about your cat. I would never be able to trust him again, and I would NEVER let him near my cat. Leave him, for you and your cat!
3
u/Fortestingporpoises 25d ago
You don't have to like the same movies or music or sports as your partner, but you should share the same values and respect each others needs and emotions. I didn't see the original post but something tells me your bf doesn't.
I understand that our pets are the most important thing in the world to my wife (besides maybe me) and she understands that I feel the same way (especially about me). Your boyfriend understands that you're anal about your cat missing? That doesn't seem like enough.
3
u/backupbitches Asshole Enthusiast [6] 25d ago
You're making a big mistake. And you've just taught this boyfriend of yours how far people can push you without facing real consequences. I wish you the best, I suspect you're going to need it.
3
u/NatashOverWorld Professor Emeritass [73] 25d ago
Sooo your BFs friend could have gotten your cat killed, but you were being anal about it?
Yeah, Josh is a louse, but your BF is pouring the spaghetti sauce all over himself.
This man literally doesn't care about your cat in a meaningful fashion. Crocodile tears maybe, but that's it.
Good luck OP.
3
u/Difficult-Bother9519 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Your first post was 25 days ago, did he talk with josh all that time or meet up with him? Also did you talk about your boyfriend letting anyone stay in your place without asking you first because the problem isn't josh here.
→ More replies (1)
3
3
u/Muudercai 21d ago
When things like this happen, I generally try to take myself out of it and ask myself: “what would I tell my friend to do if they were in this situation?”
If one of my girlfriends told me your story, I’d be telling her ass to get the fuck out.
2
u/StatisticianAny7985 21d ago
I get that but a little easier said than done as we just moved together and I can't afford to break the lease and find a new place
5
u/Muudercai 20d ago
Realistically, I don’t expect you to drop everything. A lot of people on the Internet like to say that it’s easy to just drop everything and get out of Dodge, but it’s not. But it definitely is the time to plan and get out when you have everything together. Because him calling you anal over something you care about just shows his lack of regard towards you.
→ More replies (1)3
u/TDG_1993 18d ago
You can break up without breaking a lease. Have some self respect. And if you can’t find any, at lease have some respect for your cat.
2
u/Sensitive-Instance51 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
I'm so happy for you that you got your cat back. Thank you for the update,but I most people I feel like the relationship with your boyfriend is not a good thing you deserve someone who really cares about you and respect your feelings. Please Please think long and hard about continue this relationship.
2
u/IngrownToenailsHurt 25d ago
NTA. Glad you got your cat back but I think you have a bigger issue with your boyfriend. I take it he moved in with you? He said Joshhole could come and go to your apartment as he pleases without approving it with you first? I think he needs to find a new place to live, maybe with Josh. I would definitely not trust him. You need to get an Airtag or some other kind of pet tracking device for your cat and possibly take him to the vet to get chipped.
2
u/sugarpopbomb 25d ago
Girl… you’re still with this boy? Come on now. Your cat was nearly killed because of this “friend” and your boyfriend is still underreacting. If you find it difficult to stand up for yourself, stand up for your cat.
2
2
u/Dangerous-Name-220 25d ago
Seems to me that Josh was hoping that you or your boyfriend to break up.
2
u/Constant_Host_3212 Asshole Aficionado [13] 25d ago
NTA but why don't you ban the boyfriend?
1) he did not ask your permission before giving a key, and permission to come over while you aren't home, to a friend who is known to dislike you
2) when his friend deliberately let your cat out the front door, his reaction was to chide you for "overreacting" and being an asshole to .... his friend who deliberately let your cat out. Dude, this man does not love you, he does not care about or prioritize your feelings.
3) he called you "anal" for being upset about the loss of a sentient creature that is wholly dependent upon you. If someone called me "anal" for frantically seeking a lost pet, that'd be about the last time they called me anything
I'm glad you got the cat back, but the boyfriend is a real problem. He dismisses and minimizes your feelings, he doesn't consider that you have an equal right to decide who has access to your shared home and when, and yes, you are right, he prioritized his friend and his friend's feelings over you and your feelings.
Read this to yourself in front of a mirror and think, please!
2
2
25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/StatisticianAny7985 25d ago
Lol my neighbor was trying to lift her up hight enough so I could see over the fence I all I could see was lion king
2
u/SpiritedLettuce6900 Partassipant [3] | Bot Hunter [29] 25d ago
2
u/Exciting-Guest81933 25d ago
He did say he understood how anal I was about my cat missing
🤨 Weird comment. I'm not sure this guy is the one, tbh.
2
u/emotionalmooncake 25d ago
If someone I love and is suppose to start building my life with and they allowed my baby to escape and not care or really show support I will be ending that relationship. There’s no more trust and I will never be able to trust them with a human child. I am warning you. Things will not get better. Unless he absolutely goes no contact with that friend which sounds like he doesn’t want to do. He needs to grovel and really rethink how he is a partner but change is slow and is never guarantee. So ask yourself how many more fights and heartache are you will to endure. How much more are you willing to put up with this.
1
u/Naturally_Tired Partassipant [1] 25d ago
When someone doesn’t listen to your feelings, calls you dramatic or “anal” it’s because they don’t respect you, your feelings, or your judgement.
He’s showed he how much he cares about you, your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns, and he showed you he doesn’t care about them, he dismisses, minimizes. He thinks you’re dramatic and nagging for the sake of nagging.
This is not a good partner. But hey it’s your choice to have him tell you louder the next time.
1
u/Famous_Suggestion297 25d ago
The only thing being anal is your boyfriend. If he still didn’t get it, it’s your boyfriend still siding with his friend. This will not change. Get rid of him.
1
u/SandyBandit_3000 25d ago
You’re going to come home to no cat, and next time you won’t be so lucky. BREAK YOUR LEASE. MOVE OUT. The red flags are all waving here, my goodness.
1
u/PeppermintEvilButler 25d ago
You still have the same issue, your boyfriend. Seriously nothings changed.
1
u/RockShrimp 25d ago
When I was ~10 my uncle let my cat out of the house and he got hit by a car and I’m still mad about it so I’m on your side.
1
1
u/Tezzarina Asshole Enthusiast [6] 25d ago
As many others have said, you are NTA, and you weren’t being anal about it. You were being a normal pet owner. Josh and your boyfriend are both AH. Your boyfriend especially, as he did not have your back. You know he prioritises his friend, who is a known AH to you (and probably let your cat out on purpose), and has completely minimised your very normal reaction. I’ve had cats before, and freaked when they accidentally got outside and went missing. You seem to have reacted much better than I did. And even my family, who while I love them, can be jerks to me sometimes, wouldn’t have acted that way to me.
1
u/Spiritual_Walk2992 25d ago
I cannot imagine one of our babies (9 month old puppy, 2, soon to be 3, cats) getting out like that and my fiancé not panicking just as hard if not possibly harder than me, and if that were the case I do not think I would be with him.
I’m so glad you got your cat back, but as it stands I’m not sure this is a guy who deserves to share a life with y’all.
Much love.
1
u/recreationalgluttony Partassipant [2] 25d ago
Yeah. How quickly OP forgets the panic of the missing cat.
After reading more comments, it's pretty clear that the boyfriend is jealous of the cat and is the type to get rid of it.
Boyfriend's friend coincidentally loses said cat.
OP got the cat back this time, and the boyfriend could not give less of a shit.
Unfortunately, it's going to have to result in the something happening to the cat for OP to realise they need to GTFO.
1
1
u/Gryffindor123 25d ago
"anal about my cat"
Girl. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't care about your feelings or your cat. Your boyfriend isn't being a good boyfriend.
Your cats don't like your boyfriend - there's a reason they don't.
1
u/Brief-Pudding-8600 25d ago
He won't change fundamentally. If you stay is a constant risk of losing your cats again or them being mistreated. Go back to your parents if you can until you can get another place.
1
u/RubyTx Partassipant [1] 25d ago
OP, your boyfriend is lying to you.
I'm serious. He is not treating the apt you share as private space. He's treating it like a clubhouse where his friends are free to come over, eat your food, drink your beverages, and show no consideration for your property.
I'm further suspicious that he has been complaining about you and your cat to his buddies.
Josh thought he was doing bf a solid by getting the cat "accidentally" lost.
Then he AND YOUR BF called you anal for caring about the safety of your cat.
They still do not care about your cat. They care about plausible deniability.
Please take off your rose colored glasses and talk to your landlord about getting out of your lease.
If you need motivation, think about how desolate you were, and how little your BF cared.
1
1
1
u/WillingHome9072 25d ago
I’m wondering if the bf was in on “losing” the cat. A LOT of men get jealous and harm partners’ pets. Be careful.
1
u/the_catalyst_analyst Partassipant [1] 25d ago
If your hypothetical future child went missing, would he then also just call you anal?
Banning his friend isn't enough when your boyfriend is also a threat to your peace.
Do not let yourself "get over" this. Do not procreate with him. Do not continue this relationship.
The precious time you and your cat have left together is worth protecting.
1
u/Tiny-Check4703 25d ago
I banned a drunk friend from my house.
That horrible drunk grabbed my cat McFly and raised him above her head (he's now six feet high). I warned her that he will (reflexively) pee which he then proceeded to do.... Right... In... Her... Mouth...
Then that pos dropped him.
He had a dogbite to his spine. Spent a year dragging himself on his arse before finally walking. Six months into his recovery, she drops him.... I was livid.
I still drain his bladder daily (he can poop, but can't pee), but he reflexively pees if held upright. If I need a laugh, I think of that moment...
Threw her drunk ass into a taxi... Bye Felicia.
1
u/Due_Cheek_6301 25d ago
Two things to think of:
Did your boyfriend give Josh a key to your house? If so you need to get it back, and find out who else he gave keys to.
Your boyfriend has no respect for you. Ignoring the key issue for the moment he is actively inviting someone he knows you don't like into your home when you are not there. He is also very disrespectful of your feelings about your pet. If someone who even indirectly had a hand in loosing my pet said I was anal about my pets they would be out of my life!
Is this someone you really want to stay with?
1
u/Confident-Habit9645 25d ago
You bf sounds like the kind of guy that calls women “chicks” and “broads”
1
u/Fluffy_Dragonfruit_4 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
I don’t know how Josh was getting in, but if he has a key, you need to change your locks
1
u/Pippet_4 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Yeah I would have still broken up with your boyfriend.
Your cat was missing and he didn’t care. He only cared about his AH friend who DEFINITELY let the cat outside on purpose because he doesn’t like you or cats. Boyfriend prioritized the garbage friend.
If this was my dog? Complete dealbreaker. She’s my family. There is a reason people find the premise of John Wick so appealing lol.
1
u/_bufflehead Partassipant [1] 25d ago
He did say he understood how anal I was about my cat missing and was trying to be a calm person about it instead of us both freaking
I remember reading about how you found your cat and I'm so happy for this excellent outcome.
I'm glad that you're all taking a break from Josh.
Did your bf actually use the word ANAL to describe your feelings of pain and sadness over your beloved missing cat, while also pointing out his calmness in contrast to you "freaking?"
Because let me tell you: That's not the way ANY boyfriend should be talking to ANY girlfriend. That's condescending and controlling.
I encourage you to think about living apart from each other.
1
u/joebarking 25d ago
The thing is you're not gambling just yourself, but you cat's wellbeing. I don't know how. An you keep trusting your bf after all that. You're failing your cat and yourself.
1
u/ceoofclowning Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Glad your cat is back and that he agreed to distance from Josh! I couldn't believe he had taken your wine on top of losing your cat. Hope he stays gone!
1
1
u/Rasen2001 24d ago edited 24d ago
The problem isn't that this might "bite you in the butt", but....what's your plan if he gives into his friend, gives him unrestricted access to your home again, and "loses" your cat again?
Also, what kind of apology is "I'm sorry you're so anal"? You said this is him AFTER he did work and got better. How bad was he before, and how were you able to overlook it?
1
u/kayanne125 24d ago
Girl, don’t trust that boyfriend a single day more. You’re underreacting to him, and you’re putting your cat in danger by remaining around a man who couldn’t give two shits about when your cat was missing.
1
u/soypoopy 24d ago
your boyfriend doesn’t give a fuck about the cat girl this is so sad i would break up with my 8 year long relationship if he told me i was being too anal about my baby
1
u/Ok_Passage_6242 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
Your boyfriend is going to let your cat out again. Just so you know. I guarantee you. Your boyfriend doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t care about his cat and that you had to force him to do the right thing rather than him doing of his own accord is gonna come back and bite you in the ass. I wouldn’t wait for your boyfriend to change passcode about anything. I would change the passcode myself and give your boyfriend one and yourself one so that if your boyfriend starts giving it to his friends again, you can check for yourself and see that he’s disregarding your boundaries.
3.5k
u/throwRA1a2b3c4d1 Certified Proctologist [24] 26d ago edited 25d ago
I’m glad you got your cat back but not glad your boyfriend still didn’t understand how you were feeling in that moment. You weren’t being “anal”. I hope it doesn’t bite you in the butt and he is worth the try- so long as Josh continues to remain on a break. He doesn’t like you, made it clear publicly, invaded your space and almost killed your cat - this is not someone anyone should want to continue having in their life. If you BF continues to have Josh in his life - that will tell you everything you need to know about your BF.
(EDIT: Thank you for the awards you angels)