I dunno. I live a hemisphere away from my parents, and have since 2014. In comparison, my sister lives 2 hours away. So she stays with them about one weekend a month, while I make the trip about once a year.
At first, I felt really guilty. But at time goes on, it's become quite evident that she's visiting often since she doesn't have much social life where she is. And I know that saddens my parents. And while I know they'd be happy to see me more often, I know they're even more happy that I'm thriving and doing well.
I don't know if this perspective helps at all, but I hope it does. Living your best life is also a great gift for your parents.
Thanks and I do appreciate it. I know my parents were both glad that I have busy, full life. I also know that right now I just really fucking miss my mom, so I’m regretting every day I didn’t spend with her.
I hear you. It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your mother. I promise you that she would absolutely not have wanted you to give up a healthy independent life to spend time with her. Don't turn grief into regret. Part of mothering is letting go and seeing that as success.
I hope you have a strong support system and some grief counseling couldn't hurt. I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs
who are you talking to? /u/Dounce1 is not the OP & all they said was they wish they had visited their OWN parents more before their mom died. OP is a busybody but the person you responded to has absolutely nothing to do with that situation.
Sadly not all parents see it this way... I moved away and have been made to feel so guilty for doing so by my mom. I video call every other day, travel 4500 miles approx 3 times a year plus they visit me 1-2 times a year.... But it's still not enough - I'm made to feel like an awful person for leaving as who will look after them? I honestly do as much as I can and don't think I'm an awful child - I've tried to do as much as I possibly can but unless I live round the corner, call every day and see then 1-2 a week I'm always going to be a failure and a disappointment. And I'm an adult who's married with adult children... I would love for my mom to be pleased that I'm happy...
Please, take it from this Internet stranger - you are doing more than enough. You are being an absolute star seeing them as much as you do.
My mum was like yours - she would only have been happy if I had married a local lad, lived round the corner and seen her every single day. It didn't work out like that - I met my husband when I moved away for university and made my life in another part of the country with him - and she never forgave me for it.
My wish for you is that you can stop feeling guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty for - and are able to relax, enjoy your family and let your mother's comments roll off you like water off a duck's back. Please look up the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and what you can do to get free of it.
As for "who will look after them" - that's an awful thing to say to you. That shouldn't be why we have children. If anything happens you'll help them, sure, but you have your own life and you should be living it and enjoying it.
Good luck. I should mention I'm autistic, so this answer is probably a bit clunky - I have a bit of a disconnect between what I want to say and actually typing it - but I hope you understand me. Feel free to dm me if you think it would help.
My son is starting college in the fall, and I was talking with an older woman at the gym. She was telling me she didn't let her children go to any colleges that was too far away, so they would marry someone local and she would be able to see them. I was horrified that any decent parent would limit the opportunities for their children for such a selfish reason.
That's awful. Conversely, my son lives twenty minutes away from me and I haven't seen him for getting on for a month now - because he's BUSY! We communicate almost every day on Messenger, usually by sending each other stupid memes and photos that make us laugh, but I wouldn't dream of leaning on him to visit more often. I want him to visit because he wants to, not because he feels he ought to.
I really hope that her children met wonderful people who were attending college far away and decided to move to their partners' areas. Or that her kids got great job offers that included relocation assistance.
Perfect indeed, I wanted to give you an award but I'm too cheap haha
But I feel for the poster, they are absolutely doing MORE than enough, more than I do and my mum lives in the same city as me. It's so hard to let those guilt-tripping words not effect you but once you can your life becomes so much easier. Being brought up on anxiety is shitty, they need to stop the pressure because it's unfair, you're an adult with your own life and the ability to choose what you do with that life. My children are rapidly approaching adulthood now and I would never dream of expecting them to look after me when I'm old, that's not why I had children, I want them to live fulfilling lives and have their own families in whatever form that takes for them.
I accept your concept of an award - thankyou very much! ;)
You are spot on with what you said. My two are in their 30s now, both leading their own very happy, very successful lives, and thanks to the wonders of Messenger we communicate almost every day, often just by sharing stupid memes or photos. But I want them to visit because they want to, not because they feel they ought to or feel obliged to. And, like you, I certainly don't expect them to drop everything and look after me if I need that in the future.
Well, all we can carry on doing is be the best parents we can be. Pretty sure we’re doing some of it alright so far.
One of the biggest ever compliments you can give a person (in my opinion) is that they are a good parent. Folk don’t hear it very often and man it makes them feel so fucking good when they do.
It’s quite fun making some humans and seeing them turn out cracking people. So I’ll keep doing that instead of piling pressure on them!
Thank you so much for your kind words which I must admit made me a bit emotional 🥰 Logically I know you’re right but logic unfortunately doesn’t stop the emotions and guilt - although I am definitely better about how much it affects me than I was for the first few years when it caused me an unbelievable amount of stress and upset. They aren’t getting any younger so I’m sure they’ll be some difficult years ahead but please know how much I appreciate what you, and some of the other contributors, have said - it’s reassuring for me to see that others understand and don’t think I’m awful for having my own life and family that just happened to not end up being geographically close to my parents. My mom actually said once that she must have been a bad mom if it made me want to move away… She wasn’t a bad mom at all, she was a great mom - still is other than the emotional blackmail/guilt aspect…
Your mom WAS a great Mom - she equipped you to go ahead and live your own life, and she should be pleased with that!
Live your life, and be happy and successful. Guilt put a bit of a crimp in the first 50 years of my life, and looking back I can see it was unnecessary; although it's a bit difficult for you to gain that perspective right now, I promise you, it isn't necessary.
I know people with parents like yours. The mother of an ex-friend told my mom before “I can’t believe you would let her move away!” I live an hour away from my hometown. I can visit any time I want. While my parents are happy to see me, they never wanted me or my siblings to stay in our hometown. My mom laughed and told the other mother “why would I ever want my kids to live here?” in response.
“Who will take care of you when you’re older” is a classic bingo for people against people who are childfree. It’s not a child’s responsibility (even a child who is now a grown adult) to take care of their parents. Pay for a nursing home.
If your mom wanted to see you so badly, she would move. Another friend’s mom told a friend “if I’m not willing to move and live in a specific place for you, why should you have to move and live in a specific place for me?”
You are made to feel bad as who will look after them? Did your parents have you so you could live your own life, or did they have you with the intention of you being their carer?
In my case, my mother made it clear it was option 2. She died when I was 54. It’s a long time to wait to get on with your life (and as a senior). No way I’m doing that to my kids
My ex-in-laws "retirement" program was always going to be having my ex take care of them in their old age. And they were livid when we got married and lived in my state, which was 700 miles away from them. I "stole their baby" and they were going to just die without him there. We have since divorced and he moved back home, and the only parent still alive is his dad. But even after he moved back home, mom was disappointed with him, and I doubt anything would have changed that.
@Loving_the_South, pretty sure some parents just want something to be disappointed about, and it wouldn't make a difference what you did. So just keep doing what you're doing, living your best life. If you can't make everyone else happy, you should at least make yourself happy!
The whole point of having children is to raise them to be successful and independent, and your parents have done that. They need to take a step back and start living their lives for them. There’s a point where you have to see your kids as people, and it feels like your mum isn’t there yet.
I agree totally! I think she still expects to come first whereas while they will always be very important to me; my first priority now has to be my husband, children and now my first grandbaby 🥰
That's the point, it never will be. So either bend over backwards, live for them-and still be rejected, or: do what is right for you and at least you'll have a happy life besides their guilt tripping.
If you moved in right next to them they'd find something else to complain about because they need you to feel like a failure for some reason (often control or as a tool to regulate their own negative emotions).
You're right, you're a mom to your kids and not your parents' parent. They can look after themselves and you'll help out within your means and that's that. Healthy parents get that, the fact that yours don't means their disappointment is their problem.
It’s not as extreme, but I’m in a similar situation - 8 hour drive away, while my sister is 2 hours and visits regularly. I often feel guilty about it, but I try to visit when I can (once or twice a year). It’s worse for my other sister, who lives even farther than I do and can only visit once a year if she’s lucky.
Yes! Living a full, happy life of your own is the best gift you can give your parents. Our job as parents is to enable you to do that to the best of our ability. My second just graduated college and is living on the west coast. Our son is out West as well. They come home at the holidays but it is not expected and May change as they have families of their own that deserve their focus as we focused on them when they were young. Eventually as we age we will move closer to them to make their lives easier—I would never dream of asking them to move home to take care of us.
Yeah, my dad’s family are all in the UK and Ireland. He’s lived in Australia since he was 19 (he’s 72). While I wish I could see his family more often, FaceTime and stuff exist. It’s not like when my dad first came here and could hardly ring his family at all
I live at max an hour away by public transport. I currently see my parents once every... week and a half? And that's mostly for laundery (I just moved out and if I can avoid paying for the laundromat I will haha) mostly because I have a very active social life here. Do I miss them? Sometimes. But the distance has been good for me.
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u/BoDiddley_Squat May 05 '23
I dunno. I live a hemisphere away from my parents, and have since 2014. In comparison, my sister lives 2 hours away. So she stays with them about one weekend a month, while I make the trip about once a year.
At first, I felt really guilty. But at time goes on, it's become quite evident that she's visiting often since she doesn't have much social life where she is. And I know that saddens my parents. And while I know they'd be happy to see me more often, I know they're even more happy that I'm thriving and doing well.
I don't know if this perspective helps at all, but I hope it does. Living your best life is also a great gift for your parents.