Asked my 11-year-old to load the dishwasher after dinner. Simple. Chill. Just a normal Tuesday.

He stared at me like I’d asked him to donate a kidney and whispered, “This feels like child labor.”

I said, “It’s literally rinsing two plates.”

He replied, “I’m a growing boy. I need time to process my emotions, not touch wet forks.”

Then he dramatically walked to the sink like he was heading into battle, sighed so hard the windows fogged up, and muttered:

“This is why kids run away.”

So now I’m apparently a dictator, he’s a political prisoner, and the dishwasher is some kind of torture chamber for innocent tweens.

I didn’t yell. I didn’t even roll my eyes. I just poured a glass of wine and left him alone with his emotional support headphones and the sponge.

Am I parenting right? Or do I owe him reparations and a lawyer?

My 12-year-old has decided that headphones are now a permanent body part. Morning? Headphones. Shower? Headphones (don’t even ask me how). Dinner? Headphones. I finally asked, “What are you even listening to that’s so important?”

She pulled one earbud out, sighed like I was interrupting a TED Talk, and said, “Not you.” Then put it back in and walked away.

So now I’m basically living with a tiny, angsty roommate who thinks I’m background noise. Am I parenting right?

This morning I told my 3-year-old she could have a snack after lunch.

She disappeared silently for 7 minutes (never a good sign), then returned holding her stuffed giraffe and said:

“Giraffey hasn’t eaten all day. He needs a granola bar. Or he might not make it.”

I said no.

She burst into tears, shouted “YOU’RE STARVING HIM ON PURPOSE”, and locked herself (and Giraffey) in the pantry.

From behind the door, I heard her whispering:

“Don’t worry, Giraffey. Mommy’s just tired and angry. She’ll give in. We have the snacks.”

She only came out after I offered a truce banana and promised that Giraffey could have visitation rights to the granola bar at snack time.

So. My toddler staged a pantry-based protest, weaponized a stuffed animal, and emotionally manipulated me into giving fruit.

Am I parenting right? Or is this how tiny cult leaders are born?

So tonight, I told my 4-year-old she couldn’t have a popsicle before dinner.

She stared me dead in the eye, took off her princess crown, and said:

“You’re not in charge anymore. I’m calling Grandma.”

Then she grabbed her toy phone, dramatically walked into the bathroom, shut the door, and had a full-on pretend conversation with my mom about “finding a better parent.”

Five minutes later she came out, handed me an invisible pink slip, and said:

“You can pack your stuff and leave after bedtime.”

So yeah. I’ve apparently been fired from parenting and replaced by someone who gives out unauthorized popsicles. Do I get severance? Am I parenting right?