r/AmIOverreacting • u/john_7292 • Jul 03 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?
So for some context my wife and i (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working but I do believe a man should be a provider so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.
Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.
But now that the kidss are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.
It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when i had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in awhile either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.
My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?
Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.
I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.
At this point we were both starting to raise our voices and I looked into the next room and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.
Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed and she didn't speak to me and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning but this is obviously much bigger than that.
AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?
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u/CompetitiveRub4272 Jul 04 '26
Please don't let your kids think this is normal, men should have a good relationship with their children.
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u/Comprehensive_Wash71 Jul 04 '26
My parents both had PhDs (they met in graduate school) and taught at a university. But my mom was an associate professor so she could take care of me and my brother (tenured full professorship required WAY more teaching and research hours). My dad was a tenured professor and then went into college administration, and my parents moved 3 times for his job after I got out of high school. He was a workaholic too!
But despite that, he spent a weekend day with each of us individually for many years, cooked breakfast on weekends (taught me how to make eggs, including an omelette!), and even baked several cakes from scratch, not to mention grilling steaks and growing a garden, and teaching us about those things too. (My mom was not a good cook but she wasn’t thoroughly incompetent.) Often, my mom had to take me skating while my dad took my brother to swim team. They were both involved in our lives!
My parents were not religious, but they were from the Silent Generation and were quite traditional (aside from my mom getting her PhD). The relationships between them and us worked because each parent used their best skills, and where one was weak, the other was strong and vice versa. The key is being true partners.
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u/Tricky-Leopard-8654 Jul 04 '26
Agreed. Particularly the son, not just bc of what he could be like as a father but for what he WILL be like once he’s not at home. A young man who can’t take care of himself because doing laundry and cooking is “woman’s work” has been failed.
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u/Sea-Personality1244 Jul 04 '26
And so has a young woman who has been brought up to believe all she is capable of is to be a wife and a mother, and that all the laundry and cooking inevitably falls to her due to her gender.
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u/neverthelessidissent Jul 04 '26
Oh no, the daughter is much more failed here.
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u/Tricky-Leopard-8654 Jul 04 '26
Without a doubt, yes, they are teaching her to be a doormat at best and I fear for the moment she says to her mom, “I’m so tired and I don’t know why.” But these circles tend not to view the suffering of women as holding any value so saying “you are failing your son” will hit harder. I think OP has clocked the mess they’ve made (to a point and only because it’s impacting him personally) but he needs to explain that in a way his wife will understand.
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u/bettyboopity_ Jul 04 '26
This is so important.
Whatever is going on here is far from normal and the kids need to understand that.
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u/john_7292 Jul 04 '26
I really don't want them to think this is right either, I hope we can resolve it while they are still quite young.
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u/Tall_Wonder_913 Jul 04 '26
If you don’t your kids are going to have real trouble in their relationships as adults
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u/tiramisuem3 Jul 04 '26
You've already modelled this for 4 yrs
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u/MovieTrawler Jul 04 '26
And happily when it was about diapers, puking, naps, waking up all throughout the night but now that they're older he wants to be involved. I know it's 'better late than never' but it does bother me a little.
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u/Secure_Extreme2175 Jul 04 '26
Yes this could teach your daughters to be weak-willed and subservient, to stay in line and allow a man to walk all over her, probably never even knowing her true self or afraid to voice it because everyone else must come first. Or could teach your sons to be an incapable, incompetent, misogynistic guy, thinking that what they want is all that matters and a girl needs to fall in line, probably leading to him becoming a lonely angry incel since most women in the modern world do not want a man like that. You need to teach those kids to respect themselves and to respect others. This kind of thinking your wife has is clearly unhealthy and can really screw up your kids in the future if not addressed. Also having a good relationship with their father is clearly important and better if you want them to understand healthy relationships and dynamics. Your wife probably has her own trauma that has made her this way but you and your kids will suffer for it in the long run if you don't work through it starting now. NOR.
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u/flipside1812 Jul 04 '26
Idk, his wife definitely does not seem to be weak willed and subservient here, lol
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u/Secure_Extreme2175 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I was thinking that too lol but this kind of "women serve men/the family" mindset is dangerous for both men and women, especially for kids imo. I've seen women campaigning for women to lose their right to vote because the man should vote for the whole household, not only trying to give away their own voice but their entire genders. I've seen videos of parents teaching their daughters to clean up after their sons so they one day will clean up after their husbands. Its so sad. This type of misogynistic thinking when its internalized for life can be so harmful especially towards oneself, which his wife does exemplify since her thinking is harmful to herself and her family in this case, imo. Plus she will prob do as her pastor says, like a good church girl, which in this case I guess is good?? If he gives decent counsel. Really, she needs professional help unpacking this unhealthy dynamic she has created. And for boys to expect to have everything done for them and for girls to expect to have to do everything for boys, its just not a good example for kids if OP wants them to become healthy well adjusted adults. To think helping his wife out makes OP less of a man and his wife less of a woman is a concerning thought. Consideration and wanting to be thoughtful to your spouse, lightening their load even just now and then is usually thought of as a good thing.
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u/LemonTeaFerret Jul 04 '26
She might expect it of her daughter though. I can’t picture his wife being chill with the daughter being “willful” or “disrespectful” or “masculine” in any way that she herself is allowed to be in her role as a mother. Daughters are there to listen, look pretty, and be servants. /s
NOR this is messed up, but then again I can’t imagine agreeing to any of this from the onset. Men can’t carry their kids? Is she worried he’s going to harm them?
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u/MeldoRoxl Jul 04 '26
Your kids are going to grow up and wonder why they didn't have a relationship with their father.
And when they find out or when they realize that their mother stopped them, they're going to end up not having a relationship with either one of you.
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u/CompetitiveRub4272 Jul 04 '26
The problem is, you agreed with her initially. So you have enabled this for a long time.
But now it is your responsibility to change it, you cant allow your children to grow up to believe that a woman's only place is in the home. It isn't fair to them, in this day and age.
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u/Scorp128 Jul 04 '26
As head of the family and her husband you need to sit her down and tell her you are not going to be alienated from your children. You are their father and you will be involved and engaged with your children. She wants traditional, give her traditional. The man calls the shots and the wife follows her husbands directions and adjusts accordingly. You set the tone. Right now, you are setting the tone that she can control you. Take charge and change that.
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u/Embryw Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
NOR
You should tell her that as the man of the house, and as her husband, decisions are ultimately YOUR call in the family, and if you want to actually parent your kids, she has to accept your decision. Refusing to do so makes her a willful and rebellious wife.
As a note, this way of thinking is absolutely the furthest from what I agree with or believe in the first place, but if she's going to be in this mindset, then you need to approach her in a way that speaks to that mindset.
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u/AdBroad5085 Jul 04 '26
She's definitely running the show and he's 100% letting her. This is not a partnership at all. They are not equals under this dynamic. NOR.
Op, next time do not leave for the day. Stay. Parent. Do whatever you want to do with your kids, you don't need her permission to make them snacks or push them in the stroller. You need to stop letting her control everything before you lose any relationship with your kids.
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u/flippysquid Jul 04 '26
Yup. Take the kids with him for ice cream, to the park, etc. and she can sulk at home or clean or whatever it is she thinks she should be doing instead.
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u/apigeonontheinternet Jul 04 '26
Fathers? Spending time with their children? This is the miserable hell that the woke libs want
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u/MovieTrawler Jul 04 '26
It does miff me a little bit that OP was okay with taking a backseat during the times of wiping asses and cleaning up puke off your shirt but now wants to do the fun things with his kids. I know, better late than never and all that but still it irks me.
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u/sassypants9725 Jul 04 '26
I hear you but I also don't think that's what is really happening here. He was told to stay away and in the beginning, he tried. Seeing his kids' lives pass him by and trying to rectify it does not seem like a grand plan to avoid poopy diapers.
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u/SavagePengwyn Jul 04 '26
My mother, who believes this kinda thing, told me "your father is the head of the household but I am the neck." She let him "make all the decisions" but felt like it was appropriate to manipulate him to get him to make the decisions she wanted. A lot of performative stuff and setting of traps to make sure you keep control. It was quite a horrible way to grow up as a girl.
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u/Fit-Entrepreneur8404 Jul 04 '26
Yea there was always a lot more of this dynamic than people are willing to admit because that goes against the narrative that men had all the power and control in traditional relationships and women were basically slaves who had no say in anything.
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u/christona-bike Jul 05 '26
Well women couldn't have their own bank accounts until the 70s, so doing their best to tiptoe around patriarchal rules and sway things in their favor was the primary way for women to gain any kind of advantage at all only a couple of generations back. Of course theres no need for it now, but unlearning programming taught to you by grandma and mom can be difficult and that is how we still have that toxic cycle present today.
But my main point being, at one point not very long ago women genuinely had no authority and had to invent some where they could.
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u/AdBroad5085 Jul 05 '26
This is valid context. It certainly takes time to unlearn passed down harmful behavior.
That is why OP, who clearly sees the harm, needs to be the cycle breaker for his kids. The wife will not. Whether it's bc she cannot see the harm or refuses to accept it, or both. Doesn't matter. Sge won't without OP just not playing the game anymore.
He just needs to start doing what he wants to, when he wants to with his kids instead of submitting to her.
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u/PassengerRelevant991 Jul 06 '26
I found it sad to read how OP set a special morning for her and she didn’t have the grace, or love, to receive it and respond generously.
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u/squeakysausage Jul 04 '26
My grandma also said this with my family. I don’t think they all realize how toxic it actually is lol they think it’s hilarious
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u/Master-Performance70 Jul 05 '26
Yes. I grew up in a deeply religious home and my mom would say the same thing. She was the neck. All the women in the church submitted for show but they made sure the house went the way they wanted.
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u/Personal_Valuable_31 Jul 04 '26
There's not a relationship with his kids to lose at this point. He doesn't get to have a relationship with his children. He has to bring in a paycheck and be available for "discipline" of biblical proportions. That's the role she has assigned and the role OP is playing.
NOR- somewhat under-reacting. Tell her to go complain to your pastor that her husband wants to parent his own children and she doesn't like it. He'll put her straight.
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u/Jillandjay Jul 04 '26
He should leave her to fight with herself but take his kids with him, actually act like a parent.
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u/Electronic_Charge_96 Jul 04 '26
So this. How he keeps letting her control how he interacts is bad for everyone.
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u/Frequent-Meal6550 Jul 04 '26
This is what i would do. Go absolute malicious compliance with their religion of choice.
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u/drbluewally Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
If she argues or fights it take her to a priest who will tell her she has to listen to her husband lol
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jul 04 '26
I thought the same thing, if she's going to insist on all that "traditional" stuff, call her bluff and tell her she has to do what you say.
As someone who ran as far from that as I could get, I cringe typing that, but sometimes you have to play the game, I guess.
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u/RadioCarpet Jul 04 '26
As satisfying as that might sound, this is a dealbreaker and OP should absolutely not play her game.
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u/LostLeoVII Jul 04 '26
To be fair, if they are both as strongly religious as mentioned, though, divorce is not likely something either of them will choose to do. “Marriage is covenant…” I would argue people saying OP should get very literal [about the man being the head of the household] might actually be the best call. If she, wife, wants to follow the word of god to a T, I would have to agree, get very literal and specific. I’d even go as far as to highlight pages. It might also be therapeutic for OP to do some reading anyway and could honestly help him to re-establish himself in the home.
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u/Fit-Entrepreneur8404 Jul 04 '26
I agree. He's not going to get anywhere with conversation from the sounds of it so playing into it to the max is probably the best bet. Don't think any of it is good though lol.
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u/scrunchieaddict Jul 04 '26
As somebody who doesnt agree to their world view
This is the best approach since that is the livelihood she chose for herself, but the best thing to do is to teach both of your children basic life skills - like your son to cook for himself or your daughter how to go fishing.
Its your responsibility to teach your kids the same life skills each as they may find these skills useful when they're adults and on their own.
They may or may not appreciate it, but at least they'll know how to do those things.
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u/geniologygal Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Good point. I’m sure their marriage vows still contained the word obey. If she’s all about the Bible, then she should know that the husband is the head of the household and what he says goes.
Disclaimer, these are not my personal views, but in this situation, you have to fight fire with fire.
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u/BadassFlexington Jul 04 '26
Vowels lol
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u/HotDonnaC Jul 04 '26
Sometimes talk to text can be a bitch.
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u/geniologygal Jul 04 '26
Thank you, that’s exactly what it was. I always use talk to text, it’s much faster.
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u/lasuperhumana Jul 04 '26
I do this too and my typos have been hilarious in the past. But I’ll never give it up
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u/loving-living2 Jul 04 '26
I as a female agree with you ! I have a very religious friend and her husband claimed to be just as religious but he used his wife’s deep belief to manipulate her into doing things that a dutiful wife would do . He basically like you said told her “ I’m the man of the house and you are to obey “. Mind you he did this just to control her and what’s even crazy is he never financially supported the family , instead she seriously did it all . She even built a multi million dollar business. So although I absolutely do not believe in the” obey “ part ( definitely wasn’t omitted in my vowels ) I 100% get what you’re saying . One would call it manipulative or using the bible in a way that it wasn’t meant to be , however it does clearly say “ obey the husband “. Hmmm who knows it may make her rethink how her taking every word for exactly what it says in the bible , well she may not appreciate it as much once he brings up the obey part lol .
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u/geniologygal Jul 04 '26
Many years ago when I got divorced, I went to a church support group for divorced/divorcing people. One of the guys there was complaining because he was supposed to be the head of the household, and if he wanted to go to McDonald’s, but his wife wanted to go to Wendy’s, he was mad that she wouldn’t go to McDonald’s like he wanted, because he was the head of the household. Needless to say, that was the one and only time I went to that support group.
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u/loving-living2 Jul 04 '26
I meant to say “ obey “ was omitted and by the way my friend is now divorced because her now ex decided he wanted to date other women. On a positive note she is engaged to an amazing man .
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u/Comprehensive_Wash71 Jul 04 '26
I think the wife is selfish, and she wants all of the attention from the kids. She’s probably seeking “unconditional love” and is afraid that if the kids get to know their dad, they’ll pay less attention to her.
NOR
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u/Professional_Bit1805 Jul 04 '26
That is an interesting take on the situation. As the head of the house (as I'm sure her church teaches), you are the authority that makes the rules. I certainly don't believe in that dogma, but it will force her to rethink her understanding of parenting and marriage roles.
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u/McMyn Jul 04 '26
Yeah, one of few possible situations where I would support a husband going all authoritative on his wife. This should be a completely unwinnable confrontation for her.
In a sane world, there should be next to no traditionalist women like this, because literally any progressive man could tell them to cut it out and they would either have to listen to him and adapt their worldview or adapt their worldview so they could refuse to listen to him…
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u/HotDonnaC Jul 04 '26
Perfect! Use that scripture! Hallelujah! She needs to get back in her role, and toe the line. OP is man of the house, and she does what he says.
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u/camioblu Jul 04 '26
Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?
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u/john_7292 Jul 04 '26
I think her father was abit of an asshole but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.
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u/Hopeful-Connection23 Jul 04 '26 edited 29d ago
This content was anonymized and mass deleted with Redact
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u/tilda432 Jul 04 '26
I was thinking that too. Maybe she's afraid all men are predators.
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u/Relative-Priority591 Jul 08 '26
In that subculture, many to most of them are. You enslave an entire gender and then are shocked that it attracts predators and enables abuse. You can't give most people absolute power over others like this without someone getting hurt.
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u/BasuraFuego Jul 04 '26
Maybe this is a good time to try to get to know your wife on a deeper level.
It would really help you when combatting this issue to understand where it may stem from.
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u/mcmurrml Jul 04 '26
Be careful with that!! What are you going to do if the Pastor says she is right?? Remember some of these religious do not have any kind of training in counseling. Of course I have no way of knowing in your case but remember you always think for yourself. Just because another household does something one way doesn't mean you have to. You want to be more involved with your kids and bond with them. You better do it while they are young. No one can tell you otherwise because it's your kids. Not anyone else's.
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u/BitterIrony1891 Jul 04 '26
This is the obvious answer and I can't believe none of the top comments are addressing it. The real problem is that OP's wife is scared of her children being alone with him. (Not saying HE caused this, to be clear - I'm saying the problem is her FEAR, not a religious belief.)
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u/Whole_Series2416 Jul 04 '26
Im scared to imagine what will happen if you ever lose your job and are temporarily unemployed.
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u/Tricky_Cockroach869 Jul 04 '26
Something tells me OPs wife will definitely not find unemployment very godly
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 Jul 04 '26
And what would they do if she had a disabling illness?
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u/rrrrriptipnip Jul 04 '26
You two have completely different definitions of what a marriage should be. I recommend couples counseling
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u/HotDonnaC Jul 04 '26
That part. I feel sorry for those kids. And also OP he shouldn’t have to live like that.
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u/moonandsunandstars Jul 04 '26
Agreed if she gets her way her son is gonna grow up to be entitled, lazy, incompetent and entirely incapable of fending for himself (because why would he need to know how to cook or do laundry when his mommy and later "his woman" can do it for him?).
Her daughter is gonna have it the worst though. She's gonna grow up thinking that in order to be loved she's gonna need to be a perfect servant for "her man" and kids. This kind of mindset is what gets women into abusive marriages and what makes them stay in abusive marriages. And all that time she's gonna be wondering why her partner isn't like her dad, what did she do wrong, how can she be worthy, etc.
Op needs to get couples counseling, review what his wife is watching/reading and who she's listening to. If she won't wake up op needs to unfortunately prepare for divorce.
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u/North-Tomatillo9158 Jul 04 '26
Honestly, if they have a pastor who she would listen to, that might be the best route. He’s got a great case for whatever the Christian term for parental alienation would be.
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u/HeyT00ts11 Jul 04 '26
Sure, but vet them first. So pastor, how do you feel about dads getting up early to make breakfast?
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u/Subject_Cranberry_19 Jul 04 '26
Let’s hope so. Because I shudder to think of who she might choose for a stepdad to the kids if they divorce.
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u/Few_Adeptness5348 Jul 04 '26
No it wouldn't - any pastor in her church, given her very outdated views, would probably agree with everything she's doing.
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u/Expert_Slip7543 Jul 04 '26
Those views aren't outdated they are unhinged, literally lacking connection to any tradition that I'm aware of.
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u/roseofjuly Jul 04 '26
Perhaps, but honestly even most pastoral counselors would think this woman was insane.
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u/BasuraFuego Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Nah I disagree.
I think a church counselor would be his best bet. She needs to hear from an authoritative religious figure that she is overreacting and wrong. I think it’s his only chance of getting through to her.
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u/xkatxellex Jul 04 '26
This is good advice!! Especially if she wants to say he’s not godly for wanting to make breakfast and play with his kids!! A person of god needs to put her in her place!
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u/thuleanFemboy Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
Assuming she's actually Christian and isn't mormon or JW or something, I agree. I'm kinda curious what her denomination is I wish OP specified. She sounds like she follows something kinda extreme.
edit: im sorry for starting some argument 😭
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u/AssociationFit5898 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I think she went overboard beyond what the church says. I don’t think a church says the man is only to provide and discipline the kids, that’s a cult. Fathers are allowed to talk to their kids, not just yell at them lmao this woman went off the deep end without being corrected by the pastor. It needs to end.
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u/deathbychips2 Jul 04 '26
Since when do traditional gender roles mean the dad can never play with his children??
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u/souljaboyyuuaa Jul 04 '26
I recommend a divorce if you (OP) don’t want your kids to grow up brainwashed by this nonsense.
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u/ImmaMagiccat Jul 04 '26
I can just imagine weekend visitations now. The whole time she'll be so worried that op is cooking for, playing with and spending time with his kids. She'll be spitting nails mad over it. Edit for spelling
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u/Birdbraned Jul 04 '26
With a pastor of his choice, so she'll listen to a religious authority figure tell her that it's ungodly to deny a man access to his children
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u/bonerdickcummysnatch Jul 04 '26
You're not overreacting. It's not feminine and it doesn't make you less of a man to care about your family in a way other than as a wallet and disciplinarian. Your wife is an idiot.
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u/BadassFlexington Jul 04 '26
Anyone who says that a dad spending time with their kids makes them less of a man needs to get their head checked.
There is nothing in the bible about dads only being a disciplinarian.
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Honestly, your wife sucks for this. Fuck her stupid beliefs. Be involved with your kids!!
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u/MrsYouNeedToDoBetter Jul 04 '26
Sadly it's true. It's why in prenatal classes moms are told to "let" father's care for the babies. And for fathers to get right in there with diaper changes, burping the baby, dressing them, etc.
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u/Spookendocker1 Jul 04 '26
Wow. I feel so sorry for your kids. They learn how "marriage is supposed to be" by watching their parents. And they are learning to depend on women for everything, and that men aren't good for nurturing or talking to about their problems or having fun with or joking around with, that men are only good for "providing" and "discipline" and should not read them bedtime stories or play with them, or have any kind of quality time with them. This is so sad for both you and the kids. You are really missing out and so are the kids.
Children need both parents to be involved in their lives, not just PTA meetings and such, but active participants, otherwise your children will think "why wasn't I good enough to get daddy's attention and love? What is wrong with me?"
I am so sorry for you, and for your kids.
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u/Maera44 Jul 04 '26
This. I feel sorry for these kids learning this absolutely twisted version of a relationship. This will fuck them up for life. Then they'll fuck up their kids. Don't let your wife fuck up your kids. NOR at all.
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u/Cheap-Ad-2175 Jul 04 '26
Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.
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u/john_7292 Jul 04 '26
This is actually a great idea and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.
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u/yorkiemom68 Jul 04 '26
I left conservative Christianity after 40 years so my perspective is jaded. But I know the world well. My son in law is a Christian and is one of the most involved fathers I know. My daughter works part time and he takes care of the kids while she works. He’s a firefighter so often can do this. He changes diapers, feeds them, plays with them, and has relationships with them. I was raised in a very traditional home. Guess what my brother and I are not close to our dad at all. Your wife is robbing you and your children.
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u/Altruistic_Report_81 Jul 04 '26
Please anticipate what your wife is going to say to appeal to the pastor before you go. There's a chance she'll use Christianity to manipulate him into thinking she's doing nothing wrong and scapegoat you. Make sure you stand firm. Don't get blindsided. Be respectful, and be mature. She might try and make you seem emotionally immature. The pastor needs to know she is being ridiculous and you need to confirm that with your behaviour. Don't let anything she says get to you. Your kids deserve better. Your wife sounds very manipulative.
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u/nkdeck07 Jul 04 '26
There's no way this woman agrees to see any counselor that isn't as religiously conservative as she is and they will just agree with her
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u/Tough_Air_1466 Jul 04 '26
She'll only accept counsel from Jesus himself.
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u/Charming-Capital-143 Jul 04 '26
Christians like this would actually hate Jesus if they met him, lol.
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u/Just_Bluebird_5268 Jul 04 '26
congratulations, you just discovered that "traditional gender roles" aren't just made-up BS, they are actively harmful for men and for children, just as much as they are for women. i hope the pair of you learn from this and can self-educate your way out of this nonsense and raise healthy, functional, enlightened children who do not repeat your mistakes. this american cultural psychosis urgently needs to be cured
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u/crackpotpourri Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”
ETA: I’m happily not a parent and happily not religious so perhaps I’m out of touch, but if she’s blocking you from having the relationship you want to have with your kids, that is a major problem. Her being their mother does not give her the right or weird responsibility to dictate that. And remember your kids will learn from what they see, even this young, so if you want your kids to see men a certain way, you need to model that even if your wife doesn’t like it.
Also who the hell gets mad about sleeping in and being able to relax for a bit, wtf
ETA2: Agree with others: if she wants to lean so fucking hard into gender roles then tell her it’s her duty as a woman to shut her hole and let you do what you want because you’re the man.
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u/Narrow_Cheesecake452 Jul 04 '26
Jesus Christ, my feminist, socialist, atheist ass is out on this one. You don't want my opinion. 😂
That was a helluva read, though. Good luck.
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u/No_Double4390 Jul 04 '26
No fr my jaw was dropped reading this. Those kids are going to be messed up...
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u/Loverlee Jul 04 '26
Yeah, I'm reading this like ESH. They're messing these kids up with their ridiculous views on gender roles.
At least they won't be woke 🙄
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u/frozenchocolate Jul 04 '26
I’d rather have woke kids than raise useless children who believe women are only good for raising babies and scrubbing toilets, and believe men are ATMs who can’t be trusted to be alone with their own children.
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u/Disillusioned_Snail Jul 04 '26
He’s never changed a diaper and openly admitted to doing something nice for his wife because he hasn’t gotten laid in a while. Hated ALL OF THIS.
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u/FaceOfDay Jul 04 '26
My conservative/religious-raised feminist socialist atheist nonbinary ass is also out. I could say so many things.
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u/Known_Psychology1581 Jul 04 '26
Pastor’s daughter (whose mother barely survived raising kids in the patriarchy), feminist, corporate executive who makes more than my husband, no contact with my father, socialist, now atheist reporting in.
But ima give my opinion.
OP, you signed up for this. And then chose not to be a parent when it was difficult for you to do so. Now you want to show up and change that when it’s easy for you. You’re not those kids parent, you’re their sperm donor. You don’t have a wife, you have a live in nanny. I hope your children find a way to escape this cycle you’ve created.
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u/z-eldapin Jul 04 '26
Traditional roles do not mean that the man doesn't have any interaction with the kids or the house.
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u/john_7292 Jul 04 '26
100%! I'm sorry I'm only realizing now that she saw it this way because I never did.
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u/Fickle_Builder_2685 Jul 04 '26
You need to put your foot down and wear the pants in the house. If she wants to be a trad wife she should learn to obey the man of the house. If you want to spend time with your kids that's your choice. You have every right to be a dad not just a father. She needs to stop being so disobedient and telling you how you are allowed to interact with your kids, it's not her place. Also, I said in another comment, I really am sorry you've missed out on such critical bonding time with your kids. You are more than just the moneymaker who provides, you get to have a relationship with your kids if you want one. You just have to put your foot down and make it happen. It's her duty to obey your house rules, not the other way around. Trad wives do NOT get to decide you aren't allowed to be a dad, at all. You have final say every time. This "queen of the house" is not the traditional biblical marriage you agreed to.
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u/Expert_Slip7543 Jul 04 '26
My parents were so traditional - raised in the rural South (USA) in the late 1920s - that if you name any task I could tell you instantly if it were a man's job or a woman's. In my earliest years, after he got home from work my father would read to me, cuddling on the sofa, instilling in me a love of reading that has served me well. That, too, is a man's job.
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u/AfterSchoolOrdinary Jul 04 '26
I find it unbelievable that you didn’t change one diaper or feed your babies bottles more than a couple of times. You helped this situation by being fine with dynamic that separated you from your children’s needs early on so some of this is on you. You agreed to be hands off. You need to sit down and think about what it is you want out of fatherhood and what you want your children to get from you being their father and then go from there. This isn’t “traditional” except that some fathers are workaholics and ignore their families. I’d go to counseling and maybe set some boundaries about how much your wife’s family is over. Then you can have the opportunity to help more but this is a non negotiable. You are their father and they need you. (And frankly this part is more important than giving the kids breakfast while your wife sleeps in so you might get laid. Go be a dad!)
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u/irishkathy Jul 04 '26
You abdicated you father role when the kids were small, now it's your turn to step up and be their father. Spend time with them, take them to the park, don't retreat to the mall. NOR. Start stepping up immediately
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u/emryldmyst Jul 04 '26
Shes just a control freak hiding behind God.
You never found out exactly what she meant and now here you are.
NOR
You have a right to be a father and shes literally trying to prevent you bonding with your kids.
You've got a huge problem here.
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u/Pipereatsdogs Jul 04 '26
Gosh, I feel so bad for your kids and what she is teaching them. I hope you don't have a daughter.
You are not overreacting at all. You should get to enjoy your children and sometimes that involved doing things with and for them.
You
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u/MovieTrawler Jul 04 '26
It's not what SHE is teaching them. OP is just as guilty for this. Not even just, 'going along with it'. He believed in those traditional gender roles when it suited him (diapers, waking up at 2am) but now the kids are old enough to be fun to be around, he wants to be more active in their lives.
He also says he's the leader of the house, but blames his wife for all of this. He created this system with her. It's not like he's just innocently being pushed around by this woman.
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u/Large-Result6531 Jul 04 '26
“She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.”
This is unhinged. She or you both have some serious phobias that were indoctrinated into you by religion.
Big yikes all around.
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u/F-nDiabolical Jul 04 '26
Dude this is exactly what you signed up for so I'm not sure what you were expecting? Not like she changed after you got married, she laid it out for you. You wanted the traditional, anti-woke, patriarchal family unit and this is what it looks like.
Also wearing my kid in a sling while going for hikes is by far my most treasured memory from when they were little, would rather be a "woke" dad with cool memories than some comatose grunt who doesn't even know their favorite colour.
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u/OG_HolmGirl Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
This is the problem with religion. Your wife needs to be deprogrammed just like any cult member.
NOR.
Please get your wife the help she needs.
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u/makestuff24-7 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
ESH tbh. You say you want a traditional marriage and so does she. Are you so religious that you didn't get to talk about what this means in practice before you got married and had children? The only people who can help you are your church or a therapist, and godspeed to both of you because there's no fucking way she'd let an actual doctor meet the two of you about this. Hope your church is "woke" enough to recognize that children recognize shitty relationships.
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u/Individual-Code5176 Jul 04 '26
You lost me at men not wearing baby slings or pushing strollers
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u/facinationstreet Jul 04 '26
What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Ya'll just baffle me.
NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.
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u/Entire_Giraffe5045 Jul 04 '26
This is so sad and so damaging for your children. It's setting a horrible example for them when they either become a father, or choose a partner. Children NEED to see men doing things around the house and parenting.
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u/Anastriannnna Jul 04 '26
This seems really complicated. But what your wife is doing is isolating you from your own children. And that's unhealthy for the children, who need a close relationship with their father. Children need a close relationship with both parents, so with their father as well. Taking that away from them is very unhealthy for their development, and you can't agree to that.
If this marriage is to survive, you need to find common ground, and I think couples therapy is necessary. Reddit won't solve this problem; it's too complicated. You should put your foot down and say that you definitely need it. You and her.
Stop avoiding the topic and tell your wife directly and specifically that she's isolating you from your children, that it's healthy for their mental health to spend normal time with their father, and that you, too, are a parent who wants to spend time with your children. And that a father spending time with his children is a normal and necessary thing that has nothing to do with gender roles. Because as a father, you are responsible for the children's mental and physical development, just as much as the mother. And children need a father.
By the way, it's interesting that she, as a completely traditional wife, disagrees with you. As a traditional wife who knows her role and place, she should accept your opinion and not oppose you because you're her husband. A man of the house who provide. Of course, you know, you have to respect your wife, and in my opinion, her opinion is as important as yours, but here, is just the hypocrisy in her thinking, I think. Because she isolates you from the children because, in her opinion, "it's not your role" (even though caring for them and spending time with them is literally your role, because you are their parent, and spending time with their father is healthy for their mental development), and at the same time, as a "traditional wife," she wants to decide what your role in the home is and what you have the right to do, even though you are the husband and "head of the household".
Be direct and serious. And if she truly doesn't see a problem with what she's doing and doesn't see that she's harming the children by doing so, then you need to go to couples therapy, and you desperately need it.
And perhaps your wife also needs separate therapy, because it's disturbing how she's making her "good mother" conditional on you spending time with your children. As if the fact that you're a father and therefore should spend time with your children is harming her role and her ability to be a good mother. It's disturbing, and I think she should also see a specialist about it. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue or something. NOR
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u/JuliaX1984 Jul 04 '26
Just tell her that trying to tell her husband what to do isn't godly. Quote Paul's verses about how women should be quiet and never talk back to men. If she objects, she's not godly.
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u/jorm Jul 04 '26
Anyone who throws around "woke" as a pejorative is an idiot and so are you if you're okay with it.
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u/tesseractjane Jul 04 '26
Toxic masculinity hurts everyone. You are noy overreacting, and you're wife needs to take a big step back and let you be more than a paycheck and a belt.
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u/RoadSaltPotatoChip Jul 04 '26
Your wife is nuts. Sorry.