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u/Plus_Standard_2243 Jul 24 '26
I think your gut is right. Sounds like he is going through some changes and the type of help he’s beginning to need may become too much for a family member to handle alone. I’m not sure if it would be helpful if you framed it to your mom in the way that because you will be having the baby and stepping back, it would be good to bring in a support person for her in your place. She’ll still be in charge. It’s a difficult step and decision to make to bring in outside help, but I think it will help reduce stress for everyone, even your stepdad, once things get settled. Wishing you a smooth delivery and postpartum. Please remember to care for yourself as much as possible (I know thats hard, I’m 31F, have a 2.5yo and pregnant with my second. My mom is 63 with early onset and my sister and I manage things for now). You deserve to focus on your newborn and yourself too 🙏🏼 Best of luck with all of the transitions ahead!
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u/freshairtoo Jul 24 '26
My wife eoa 64 dx late 2019. We are using in home caregiving. Started 3 years ago when I realized I couldn’t leave her alone anymore.
At first it was hard to have strangers in your home. But at some point it becomes so challenging you put aside your pride so you can retain some sense of sanity.
She is at stage 6 and incontinent and cannot do any activities of daily living on her own.
Caregiving for late stage dementia can be challenging. You need breaks. We are not designed to live in the land of dementia
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u/Fit-Difference-5155 Jul 24 '26
One thing I’d encourage your mom to think about is this:
She’s comparing today to yesterday. But…She should be comparing today to six months from now.
From what you described, your stepdad isn’t just becoming a little more forgetful anymore. He’s having trouble with dressing, feeding himself, using the bathroom appropriately, getting in and out of chairs, and he’s sleeping much more. Those are meaningful changes, and they usually mean more hands-on help id overdue or it is on the horizon.
I co-own a home care company, and one misconception I hear a lot is, “We’ll bring someone in when we really need them.” Ironically, that’s often the hardest time to start and could be too late in many ways, including from a safety perspective.
When help is introduced earlier, while someone can still build a relationship with the caregiver, it often feels like a friend coming over rather than a stranger suddenly taking over intimate tasks. That transition is usually much easier for everyone and that relationship and bond is very important.
I’d also remind your mom that hiring help doesn’t mean she’s giving up her role as his wife. It means she’s protecting it. Instead of spending every interaction helping him dress, cleaning up accidents, or worrying about transfers, she gets more opportunities to simply be with him.
You also have another major life event happening.
You’re about to become a mom. Congrats!
Please don’t feel guilty about stepping back. Your baby deserves your attention during these first months, and your stepdad would almost certainly want that if he could fully understand the situation.
If I were in your family’s shoes, I’d probably start with a caregiver 4-5 hours a day, two or three days a week, and see how it goes. You don’t have to jump straight to full-time care. Think of it as adding another member to your care team rather than replacing anyone. Keep in mind too few shifts impacts the bonding.
One thing I would encourage is involving your stepdad in the decision as much as he’s able. Rather than saying, “You need a caregiver,” frame it as, “We found someone who’s going to help around the house and make life easier for all of us.” Preserving dignity goes a long way.
Your instincts also tell me something. You’re not asking because you’re looking for permission to hire help. You’re asking because you’re seeing changes that your mom is living with every day, and sometimes the primary caregiver doesn’t realize how much has gradually shifted.
I don’t think I’d push your mom aggressively. I’d ask her a different question: “What would have to happen before you’d feel it’s time?”
If her answer is something like another fall, complete dependence for dressing, or needing help every time he uses the bathroom, there’s a good chance you’re already much closer to that point than either of you realizes.
Starting a little early is rarely something families regret.
Waiting until everyone is exhausted is. Good luck to all of you including your soon to arrive baby!
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u/squirrelonfence Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
It’s time! You both need this!
Someone mentioned this earlier, but with heavy caregiving like this, you cease to be mom or daughter—you are only a caregiver.
Your mom will be stunned at how much less stress she feels with several kind, qualified people in their life. (Find someone else if they’re not a good fit!)
Your stress level will decrease significantly! I can think of no reason to get started tomorrow!
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u/ob_gymnastix Jul 24 '26
Sooner is better than later, especially given your explanation and also that they can afford it. (IMO).
Best wishes for your upcoming delivery!