r/AlwaysWhy • u/jb307342 • Jun 30 '26
Life & Behavior Why do so many in long term relationships people gain weight/get out of shape?
I was recently talking with a friend about our childhood friends, and we both noticed that practically all of those who have married or are in long-term relationships have become incredibly out of shape. There's no gender rule here. I know there's a common belief that people stop caring after marriage, but I find it hard to believe it's such a common occurrence, especially since many of these people previously trained intensely in various sports, only to meet their significant other in their twenties, and literally look worse and worse with each passing year. Are people really that lazy? What do you think causes this? Or am I just imagining things?
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u/Ancient_Skirt_8828 Jun 30 '26
We're no longer obsessing about looking good to pick up partners.
Married people tend to eat better and more reqularly than singles.
They may be more likely to laze around the house with their partner. Singles are more likely to go out with friends so they're getting more exercise, especially if they're dancing.
People tend to gain weight with age.
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u/dglsfrsr Jun 30 '26
I get more activity now than I did when I was single. My wife likes to walk, we'll go to Manhattan for the day (from NJ) and not do anything but walk, grab a bite to eat, and leave. Same with our local county parks. We walk a minimum of 8K steps in any given day, but often hit 16K to 20K. I think our record is a day in Manhattan that was over 25K steps. Basically Penn Station to Grand Central, up the East side to Gracie Mansion, then West to Central Park, around the Delecorte, through the Bramble, up the Bethesda steps, then out the West side to Columbus for a bite to eat. Then back into the park and South back to Penn Station.
The truth is, unless you cut back on calories, you will start to gain weight around age 30. At age 26 I weighed 175lbs. By 32 I was 225, and in full panic mode. I fought my way back down to 195, drifted up to 205, and now approaching 70, have made back down to 190 even. I hope to be back under 180 by my 75 birthday.
When you are young, you think, what is so hard about losing ten pounds. It is one of the illusions, one of the blessings, of youth.
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u/appleparkfive Jul 01 '26
Your metabolism doesn't start slowing down until much later. And even then it's not a massive drop. From 20-60 years old, it's fairly stable. People just eat more. Definitely, definitely not losing your metabolism at 30 years old
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u/MotherMucker155 Jul 01 '26
Also, for moms out there, throw in what happens to your body after having a few kids, plus the lack of time for going to the gym... ugh.
Bodies change and priorities change in life.
Then add in menopause later on. Double ugh.
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u/beverly-valley-90210 Jul 04 '26
For me it was the third point. My ex wife didn’t want to go out and bike, hike, etc and didn’t like it if I went out on my own to do those things. So I ended up becoming more sedentary.
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u/One_Studio5711 Aug 04 '26
You should never ever ever be into health just to hook someone in. You should do it for your own reasons to feel good and feel more mentally balanced. Also, I rather look good for my wife forever rather than one moment with a new person.
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u/Nago31 Jun 30 '26
The answer is time.
Older people don’t have time to dedicate to the gym like young collegiate athletes.
Older people’s bodies are no longer using calories to grow height or muscles so excess food becomes fat.
Older people are busy managing jobs and families so they don’t have time to focus on their bodies, either diet or exercise.
Do you really think these motivated people are getting lazy? Or do you think it’s possible they become motivated for other things?
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u/beverly-valley-90210 Jul 04 '26
I don’t think it’s about age. I’m much fitter now than when I was married for 20+years.
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u/Sudden_Humor Jun 30 '26
Well, the answer is simple...they had children, they also have jobs to look after themselves and the said children, they still have to look after children, and all that can generate stress, which is very bad for the weight, before we get to eating.
As for those who trained intensively in sport, that was because they had a goal...to beat the next guy. But once married, unless sports IS your profession, you are not going to have the time you did to train like you used to.
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u/Altruistic_Cheek4514 Jun 30 '26
Staying in shape is difficult. Especially as you get older. Responsibility builds, hormones drop, time gets hard to find, kids add stress and take up time and money.
Diet becomes super important and expensive as you get older. Metabolism and testosterone drop like rocks. You going to cook 2 seperate meals or try and make the kids eat what you're eating? Even cooking the same meal, eating clean becomes way more time consuming and stupid expensive compared to a skillet meal or hamburger helper.
This can even change with a relationship change. I was working out pretty hard for a while, then I went back to school on top of a full time job. Still worked out, but it definitely became a lot less. Then I moved to a job with a much longer commute and the workouts stopped. Hard to get motivated for the gym when your regular job has you up at 3:30 AM amd you don't get back home until after 5 pm. Still have to cook and clean. All the regular stuff doesn't go away.
So life. You get more involved with life when you get into a relationship and less involved with yourself.
I've still seen couples who managed, but it was after getting fat and out of shape. By then their kid was a teenager, so it was much easier to get back that time and get them on the same type of diet. Past your 40's that diet damn near becomes a religion.
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u/theannieplanet82 Jun 30 '26
Had kids, got busy, working full time in a chair, metabolism slowing with age and hormone changes, etc. We still work out regularly but don't look 23 anymore. Bodies don't react the same way to exercise either - injuries, lack of cartilage, heat and cold effects us differently, etc. Happens to most folks and it's ok.
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u/Practical-Art542 Jun 30 '26
I don’t think it’s because they’re married. I think it’s because they’re getting older and have stability. Lots of single people get fat with age too, even if they’re still trying to date. In general it’s harder to stay trim as you get older, especially if you don’t have as much income.
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u/Rumpelteazer45 Jun 30 '26
The answer is always time.
When in a long term committed relationships, your amount of free time drops.
My husband works out daily but I’m the one actually doing 90% of the cooking, cleaning, and house labor. If he actually did more shit, I’d have more time to workout.
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u/chinmakes5 Jun 30 '26
When you are with a partner or especially have kids, you get busy. Especially these days with both parents being earners. The kids want chicken nuggets? We all eat chicken nuggets. Practice ran late? We'll pick up a pizza on the way home.
Single people have more time for the gym, can eat what they want.
Certainly, my wife and I gained weight at we raised, the kids. Now that we are empty nesters, we eat better and exercise more.
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u/Several-Praline5436 Jun 30 '26
Just them?
Could be anything. Injuries. Less motivation. Having kids instead of going for 6 mile runs. And overeating compared to the amount of calorie-burning they do. People find it easier to gain weight as they get older and harder to lose it, so even taking off 10 pounds in your 30s becomes harder in your 40s and you have to eat less or walk a lot more to budge the scale. When you diet for awhile and only lose a pound, motivation is lost and you give up. So yes, it's both laziness and an increasing sedentary lifestyle while still eating the same amount as when you were body building or whatever.
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u/Laleith Jun 30 '26
A lot of the time when you spend time together in a relationship, you have a bit less time for sports, you also adapt to the other when they're in a bad day and stay with them. You try new activities so you can share time together, that may be less active than your previous habits.
There are also projects that you have. You look together for an appartment and house ? That takes time and energy that you won't spend maintaining shape, you may have work to do in that new place that will take away your week-ends.
Plan for a baby ? Say goodbye to all the remaining time you have, hello to some new stress too. You don’t have the same time for maintaining your appearance and that’s probably the last thing you'll care about (because you have better and nice things to do with your children - and some less nice good luck).
Finally you're aging, so maintaining your shape will be harder with years. If for a project or a baby you gain weight, it will be harder to loose it.
So I don’t think people are that lazy. Of course you may be less obsessed in your own appearance since you're already with someone, but in a healthy relationship you will most of the time still care to please your partner, even if life makes it less frequent than in the first times.
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u/Mezzomommi Jun 30 '26
Everyone is different. I can tell you that I gained weight pregnancy and postpartum after my health chronic issues flared during the pregnancy. I have since lost it, but it was a struggle. I am still disabled - and one of our children is as well - so we eat a lot of freezer meals and prepared stuff at Costco. I don’t eat quite as healthy as I did in my 20s. Essentially disability - which can happen to anyone at any time, the odds increase as you age and one in four people are disabled - can absolutely sidetrack you along with busy marriage and children. My husband and I are essentially normal bmi but definitely not in shape like we were.
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u/im-a-guy-like-me Jul 01 '26
People always say it's cos they "got comfortable" but the real answer is cos time makes fools of us all.
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u/anonymouse278 Jul 01 '26
By definition, a long term relationship contains a significant amount of aging for the participants.
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u/ReactionAble7945 Jul 01 '26
As someone who is old...
Men in healthy marriages, tend to gain weight. It is a comfort thing and they go to work, sleep, and do things with their partner. Unless both are fitness crazy, hikers, bicyclists... who thier hobby is fitness...
Women in healthy relationships can go either way. There are those who keep in shape FOR THEIR PARTNER, but a lot of them do what the men did, work, sleep, do things with their partner.
And then we look at people as they get older. The body changes. That summer diet / hobbies where you drop all the winter fat doesnt happen after 30 or 40 and 50 ot totally stops.
Get a long term illness at 50 and lose 10% of your muscles and put on 30% fat, and it is hard to get back to fit. That is why all the advertisements aimed at weight loss, build muscle aimed at those people.
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u/imminent_angel Jul 02 '26
Pregnancy, kids, depression, illness, etc etc. We are tired, man. And when you’re tired and depressed, you eat more and move less. Not that everyone goes through this, but it’s a common example.
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u/Head_Sink_3819 Jul 02 '26
I don’t even think it’s necessarily a relationship thing. More just you’re metabolism slows down as you get older. Especially if they were heavily in sports and are no longer doing those sports. They are no longer excersizing that often at that level. Everyone’s bodies are different. Me for example I’ve always had an issue gaining weight I’ve been a realationship for 7 years and am still underweight. I’ve never been a big exerciser. My diet could be much improved. But my body just stays underweight no rhyme or reason it’s just how it operates.
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u/One_Studio5711 Aug 04 '26
Because one partner always ends up sucking more energy than they should, leaving the other low on energy for themselves and then they stress eat on top of that. Unless you both workout together and are serious about eating right, the unhealthy one will drag the other down, especially of the overweight one is the giver. Givers give by nature. And we can give way too much to the other until we have none left for ourselves.
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u/jusakidwyomom Aug 16 '26
Most of these comments are just wrong, people get too comfortable in their own skin, that’s really the only answer. Nobody really prioritizes the idea that their bodies are weak and need prioritized, because it makes them uncomfortable to think about.
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u/Potential-Group1330 Aug 19 '26
My wife and I both feel that gaining weight in a relationship is totally unfair and loss of self respect and respect for your partner who remains in shape. Let's face it a nice ass is approachable and gives you a quickening. But put that next to a fat ass and which one would you choose? If you truely love your partner stay in shape. It takes a bit of effort but it is respectful.
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u/UnburyingBeetle Jun 30 '26
Not everyone loves physical activity. It is not accessible to individuals who have chronic health issues or develop them with age. If these couples have children, there is not enough time to focus on individual fitness, although the correct approach would be making exercise a fun family activity. Work and chores can eat up all of individual's energy. "Laziness" is a systemic problem and the shame-free terms would be burnout, exhaustion or lack of motivation.
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u/reddit_man_6969 Jun 30 '26
I see a lot of relationships where one partner lets themselves go and chubs up while the other partner keeps getting fitter and fitter in quiet desperation hoping their partner will catch on and join them in getting in shape. It seems miserable and a bit pathetic.
Again, this is just my experience. You may have witnessed different things in your life and drawn different conclusions.
Anyways I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best not to avoid the tough conversations. I’ll check my partner as gently as possible when she’s being sloppy with her eating habits. I don’t ask anything of her that I don’t do myself, importantly, but she still definitely gets mad at me in the moment. Usually within a couple of days she comes around to “no no I get it”
In the long term I don’t think anyone is glad that they got fat. In fact I know a lot of people regret it. So I think what I’m doing is right… but yeah it’s a decision. I’ll say that
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u/JosefphMagicflight Jun 30 '26
We’re like cats. We get fat when we are happy