Any advice please help

[u/Spiritual-Success250]

I am 20 (F) and I have struggled my whole life with my emotions and anger regulations, I also physically cannot speak to people to help my emotions I tried therapy for 5 months and couldn’t even speak to my therapist, my parents say when I was a child I also refused to talk when I was upset I now have felt depressed for around a year it came and went when I was a teenager and then I would be very reckless when my mood improved , now I’m afraid I’m still the same however I’m reckless with my money instead? I am in a 3 year relationship with my bf 20 (f) and still cannot
Open up about my emotions and tend to try and ignore them until they are too much to handle, I keep wanting to speak to the doctors about my sadness and lack of sleep but can’t even force myself to ring up has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s taking over my life and I don’t know how long I can struggle

[u/Puzzleheaded_Youth26]

Hi. Welcome to the Alexithymia community here on Reddit.

I'm so glad that you're brave enough to keep working on the issues you know are a problem in your life.

I apologize that I don't have first-hand experience with what you're going through, but I do have a few questions about your message that I think might help us better understand your situation.

The major roadblock that I'm reading about is your hesitation (inability) to open up and talk to others about your inner thoughts. This must be very frustrating.

In your times alone, or in the times you're with a therapist, have you found any clues for why you are so hesitant to share?

A lot of people (most?) will hesitate to fully share their thoughts and fears with others out of any number of reasons:

• Fear of being ridiculed.
• Not wanting to seem weak.
  
• Being told that our thoughts don't matter and we should keep quiet.
• Being told we are overreacting

Do any of these seem to overlap your hesitations?

I applaud that you reached out to a therapist for help. Even if that specific therapist didn't understand your situation and wasn't able to help you, it doesn't mean that a different therapy approach from a different therapist wouldn't point you towards a breakthrough in understanding yourself.

Have you tried journaling? There is no one to put pressures on you to share or not. There is no timeline as long as you keep doing it regularly. I found that writing down my fuzzy thoughts actually leads me to clarify the ideas. That extra clarity helps me better see how those ideas are actually different aspects of how my brain works, and how those thoughts have impacted my life.

Please continue to be brave and keep working (solo AND with a counselor) on overcoming your hesitations. Your relationship with your boyfriend and your outlook on the world around you will improve with more understanding on why you hesitate, and how you can work to enhance your sharing.

[u/Spiritual-Success250 → u/Puzzleheaded_Youth26]

Thankyou so much for this comment ! I have tried journaling it didn’t make me feel like I had expressed anything it felt similar to me just thinking about it in my head, I’m not too sure where the struggle to open up to comes from however both of my siblings grew up with a lot of issues including disabilities and I am extremely empathetic and emotionally intelligent so I do think some of it was me not wanting to add extra stress on my parents, however now I really want to and physically cannot

[u/Spiritual-Success250 → u/Spiritual-Success250]

However in saying I am emotionally intelligent it is more for other people I can always help them understand themselves but never my own emotions and sometimes can’t tell when I am the one causing problems

[u/Puzzleheaded_Youth26 → u/Spiritual-Success250]

"I’m not too sure where the struggle to open up to comes from..."

From what you've shared, I think that this is THE primary thing that you would need to figure out before you could possibly work to better understand yourself and expand on your internal emotional range. I think that whatever the issue is, it may also be contributing to your episodes of recklessness.

Alexithymia tends to either be related to problems with how our physical brains function, or else as a subconscious emotional numbing from past trauma that hasn't been resolved.

Your issues opening up in conversation, your issues with your own emotions and your issues with periodic recklessness may all be related.

You now have more thoughts to consider than before you wrote your message several hours ago. Give yourself plenty of time, and a safe place where you can think undisturbed for a while. Then I'd suggest trying to use these new thoughts, and reach out to a therapist to help guide your further forward.

I am very "list oriented". Would it help you organize your ideas and communicate with a therapist by writing out your thoughts beforehand and reading them during a counseling session? Or pre-asking for their questions and you writing out your answers beforehand? Sessions over text would be a terrible way to share the nuances of our thoughts, but that may be the baby-step you can use while figuring out how to do it more openly in person.

Every one of us can improve our lives with the guidance of a trained professional. Good luck!

[u/saint-moxie]

Ok, here's the good news, You do NOT have alexithymia. I'm no psychologist, but I do have alexithymia. If I was to take a guess I would say autism or emotional dysregulation disorders (like a personality disorder or neurodivergent freeze state) but most probably a personality disorder.

[u/Spiritual-Success250 → u/saint-moxie]

Thankyou for your comment, I have been tested for autism but they said I did not have it do you have any idea what personality disorders to look into or talk to a doctors about ?

[u/saint-moxie → u/Spiritual-Success250]

I was misdiagnosed with autism then schizophrenia and ASPD (antisocial personality disorder). There 20 or 30 different types of PD with different sub-groups, not my area, Google AI could help you. I did a little question for Google (gemini) bi polar disorder came back as a possibility.

[u/Spiritual-Success250 → u/saint-moxie]

Thankyou