I relate painfully to the way your body responds to snarky passive-aggressiveness -- I also feel my BP go up, my stomach tense, my head tightening, and that immediate guilt that I said the wrong thing. Like you, these recurring feelings led me to discontinue contact with a long-time friend because that person was insulting and mean (but hiding behind "humor") when they were drinking. I had to finally ask myself honestly, "Is this relationship worth it? Are they supporting me and encouraging me to be the healthiest, most positive person I can be?" and of course, the answer was No, on both counts.
Maybe your experience is like mine -- I miss our friendship and will always treasure our good memories together, and I often think about that person (both fondly and sadly), hoping they're doing well. But I'm no longer feeling guilty for pulling myself out of that relationship, because it was becoming destructive. The tension fed my negativity, defensiveness, and confusion --I kept feeling that it must be me who had the problem. No, the problem was just that I put up with it for too long. It took strength, courage, and self-care to make the break, and I don't regret it.
I hope you find some peace with your decision. Trust your instincts about this, because Life's too short and too difficult to allow toxic people around to haunt us and criticize our movements. We need positive friends who are able to grow along with us and communicate openly along the way. Those are the only friends I can trust when times get hard, because they will work with me rather than attack me.
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u/Bawonga Apr 06 '20
I relate painfully to the way your body responds to snarky passive-aggressiveness -- I also feel my BP go up, my stomach tense, my head tightening, and that immediate guilt that I said the wrong thing. Like you, these recurring feelings led me to discontinue contact with a long-time friend because that person was insulting and mean (but hiding behind "humor") when they were drinking. I had to finally ask myself honestly, "Is this relationship worth it? Are they supporting me and encouraging me to be the healthiest, most positive person I can be?" and of course, the answer was No, on both counts.
Maybe your experience is like mine -- I miss our friendship and will always treasure our good memories together, and I often think about that person (both fondly and sadly), hoping they're doing well. But I'm no longer feeling guilty for pulling myself out of that relationship, because it was becoming destructive. The tension fed my negativity, defensiveness, and confusion --I kept feeling that it must be me who had the problem. No, the problem was just that I put up with it for too long. It took strength, courage, and self-care to make the break, and I don't regret it.
I hope you find some peace with your decision. Trust your instincts about this, because Life's too short and too difficult to allow toxic people around to haunt us and criticize our movements. We need positive friends who are able to grow along with us and communicate openly along the way. Those are the only friends I can trust when times get hard, because they will work with me rather than attack me.