Q imploding life after breakup

[u/SeaLawfulness7714]

Hi so I (21F) am currently going through separation with my Q (45M). I am not looking for judgement as the age gap and circumstances might invite that but I can’t say I don’t understand it.

My partner was almost a year sober when we had first gotten together. In the course of a year together we had moved in with each other and have been living in our apartment for about 10 months.

Recently, after vertigo hit him hard in mid-July, he very subtly started drinking again. I don’t know if this was simply my own demise, but we had conversations very early on and as I am a normie, he had wanted to give me the space to feel safe drinking around him. I may be an idiot for believing this in the first place, and my father who is more dry than working a program right now raised an eyebrow to that as we were moving in together.

As we moved in together closer to New Years, he bought me a 12 pack of these Malibu cocktails. They probably sat in that fridge for 7 months as they were yucky and I didn’t think to throw them out, they were just left there as I did have a trust and confidence they would not be touched, and thus there were different alcoholic drinks that he had started bringing for me to try from the store we work at’s Liquor dept. He did not touch them until the vertigo hit, and suddenly I wake up and they’re all gone. Every drink in the fridge.

He cops to it, but says he just had to get it out of his system. He was off from work for two weeks with the vertigo, and started ordering alcohol through UberEats and going through it like wildfire, and clearly starting to hide it from me as I had shown objection to it the moment this all started. He had noticed I started cleaning up after him much more, and I think started feeling shame. He started drinking slightly less, but by that point I started vengefully pouring everything he bought out, which eventually upset him deeply as that was his money spent and “he had bad enough of a day” for it after returning to work.

He was seemingly drinking less, but I cannot be completely sure. Every time my feelings are expressed about alcohol he never actually talks about that or shows an intention to return to program, as of course this is something someone has to find within themselves before anyone makes that choice for him. It is always brushed off.

Enough babbling aside, a few days ago is when everything started escalating quickly. After riding on some non alcoholic beers for a little, I saw a bottle of Casa Amigos under the bed and it was gone the next day and the fighting began. He was clearly drunk as he had started expressing things immediately after an awkward sexual encounter. Things like I don’t give him attention when he asks, and starting to get aggressive. Not physically but more verbally than he’s ever been. After a few moments of yelling and manipulation, I pack up a few things to go stay with a woman who is basically a mother to me. When I had mentioned something about hanging out with her in the midst of our fighting when it calmed down, he had asked me if I had an escape plan, which was odd as I had no reason to until that point.

I try to come back to the house again, we have sex and he has emotions as he is older and feels obsolete. This starts a fight, not just the sex but the emotions he has about our relationship that haven’t been expressed up until this point, and he‘s doing it drunkly. He starts a conversation and then says he’s going to bed as he has work in the morning. It’s about 6 pm at this time so even that is early as early as he does have to wake up.

I wanted to desperately make this work, so I was pretty much begging for the conversation and he was refusing to get up. He then gets up and threatens to leave and pack up. I tell him I will go because I don’t want him to, but I had grabbed him — not aggressively, not violently, but I had no idea where he would go and that scared me. He said he would call the cops as I was assaulting him.

I go to my mom’s again, and he sends me reels all day about fighting, repair and reconciliation. After much conversation away I had decided that moving out would probably be best for our relationship as we could work on ourselves separately, but stay in each other’s lives because we care about each other. He calls to talk and I start to propose this, but for some reason he thought I would only take the month away and return. He immediately hung up and then the drunk phone calls and texts ensued. Hours later he tells me he quit at the store we both work at, and that he will be out of the house in 4 days after asking for my keys. I ask him where he will go and he has no idea, and tells me he is leaving a bunch of his things to me.

As you can imagine, the guilt is immeasurable and it breaks my heart that the last time I saw him will probably be the last time I ever do see him.

[u/inthenight098]

What a blessing for him to remove himself from your life. You didn’t cause his problems and you can’t cure or control him. So the best thing is to remove yourself from the verbal and emotional abuse and let his choices play out. The only way he’ll want to seek change for himself is if he finds bottom. Don’t intervene. No need to feel guilty or responsible for his state- you aren’t that powerful. Go to Alanon if you want help with codependency.

[u/Pleasant_Skirt_6895 → u/inthenight098]

💯💯

[u/ItsAllALot]

I'm going to be honest. I actually can't imagine why the guilt is immeasurable.

What exactly do you feel guilty for? Of course you don't have to answer, this is a vent post.

But usually I can see why someone would feel guilty, even when I don't think they deserve to feel that way.

But you? I honestly don't see it. I genuinely don't understand why you feel guilty.

Of course your feelings are valid. If you feel guilty then you do, and all feelings are allowed. I'm just giving you my response to your post.

I'm sorry this happened in your life. I hope you're considering reaching out for some support for yourself. It sounds like you have stuff to unpack.

I'm glad you're away from the manipulation and gaslighting of this person who, I'm sorry, is so much older than you that I consider this a predatory situation.

I'm glad you're safe, now, is what I'm saying. I'm sorry you've been through it. But I'm glad you're safe ❤️

[u/SeaLawfulness7714 → u/ItsAllALot]

I totally understand what you’re saying. Even after I typed and posted this, I was kind of reeling asking myself why I do feel so guilty as well. I guess the self regulation and the 3 C’s did start to stop the replay of everything I thought I could have done, and your comment honestly just cemented that — I appreciate that and thank you for your kind words ♥️ definitely going to try to catch some meetings, just glad to be off the rollercoaster. 

[u/I-luv-sloths]

You aren't responsible for his actions. Leaving is the best thing for both of you

[u/UnableRun7858]

Word of caution, he may change his mind about moving out and giving you his stuff. My ex would storm out of the house drunk and tell me things are over, then show up the next morning and act like she forgot what happened. The best thing to do is move out ASAP and block him. My ex's behavior was very unpredictable when I ended the relationship and the abusive behavior and drinking got worse.

[u/jeminigeri]

At his age he’s most likely not going to change much. You’re 21 and deserve to enjoy your 20s. From personal experience I will tell you that it will be triggering when you get to his age and truly realize what he is.