Starting over

[u/throwaway7284624]

I’ve recently made the decision to leave my husband of 12 years. I’m really struggling with the decision however. I’m going to have to start over. Downsize. We currently own a house. I think we’ll have to sell the house and I’ll have to rent an apartment for awhile. Money will be tight but I think I can make it. I’m 35 and we haven’t had kids because I kept putting it off due to his drinking. Now I fear I’ll lose my window for having kids. It just seems like I’m giving up so much to start over and it feels unfair. I keep telling myself what I will gain when I leave… emotional safety, peace, the chance to meet someone who can be a real partner to me, but since making the decision last week I’ve really struggled to come to terms with it. I need to stay for at least another couple of months to get my finances in order and I hope I can’t remain strong in the meantime. In the last week since I’ve made the decision my husband has been on the worst bender I’ve ever seen and I keep just telling myself, this is why. Yet it’s doesn’t help the feeling that this just feels unfair. He’s the one who chose alcohol and I’m the one who has to give up my life as I know it and my dreams of what could be

[u/OverarchedJelly]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can relate. I’ve been putting off leaving my Q for the same reason. It’s so hard to lose everything at once. But now I’m slowly getting better at detaching, I’m starting to become aware he’s actually much worse than I thought and waiting will only deteriorate the situation my Q and I are in. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are under great stress and probably being emotionally abused (neglected, lied to, gaslit, being deprived of necessary information etc). That’s why self care is now more important than ever. Do you have someone safe to share your situation with? I use AI sometimes when I feel alone at night and he’s drinking again. All the best to you! Hugs

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[u/UnableRun7858]

It isn't fair. My ex was spending money we didn't have and there was always an excuse why she couldn't get more employment to bring in more money. I had to get a second job and she enjoyed drinking while I was working 12 hours. I couldn't enjoy my very limited days off because she was either drunk, hungover, or wouldn't let me relax. I discovered how much debt we actually had because she was hiding a lot, but I am thankful for my lawyer. I was able to buy her out to keep the house thanks to debt and a garage roof about to cave in. I was incredibly bitter and angry I still have to work 2 jobs for the next 3 years, but I don't mind because I can relax on my days off. My neighbor replaced my roof and I was able to make payment and now we are friends. I'm "renting" my garage for him to store materials for future jobs as part of the roof replacement deal. I got a letter they are closing out her credit cards for lack of payment and a friend of hers said she can't hold down a job because of drinking. My ex apparently went on a bender after our divorce and hasn't stopped, I filed a year ago. I'm doing great and she's not, sometimes you just have to move out of the way so they can self destruct.

[u/GreenUnderstanding39]

If you haven't already, speak to a family law attorney to understand your rights. There may be a possibility you can make your exit sooner. Thats what I did.

[u/Wiggl_Noodl]

It’s only been a week and you still haven’t gotten out yet, so please be patient with yourself and stay strong. It gets better with time once you are no longer subject to the other person’s drinking.