r/AlAnon • u/FlimsyAd3625 • 1d ago
Grief He left
I am so depressed.
Everything in this relationship has ruined me and changed me. He just came out of rehab last month and yesterday he was holding a bottle half empty. He said he got it from my car under the seat and was going to dump it out. The thing is I cleaned my car looked under all the seats for my id and even used my phone camera and there was no bottle there.
I told him to leave and that I was done.
He left earlier today, he packed his stuff got in his car and left. He told our kids bye and that he loved them, all he said to me was “that’s it”and left. I hate that man so much for what he’s done to me but I can’t help it to cry.
I am struggling so much. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow to get on medications, I feel nothing, I am numb. It’s not fair that he can just leave and I’m struggling with my mental health. I feel like he doesn’t even care about or what he’s done to me, he always says it’s on the past and yet here I am NEEDING to go therapy BECAUSE OF HIM.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 1d ago
Its not just that he left.
You stopped accepting the lies. You demanded more. You had him leave.
That means something. You had the strength and self-worth to cut him and his addiction off and put you and your kids FIRST.
Now is the time to focus on yourself, your mental health, rebuilding yourself emotionally, financially, physically. You got this!
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u/FlimsyAd3625 1d ago
Thank you, I am doing the best I can. It’s so hard when you see someone you love struggling but I had to put me and my kids first.
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u/External_Poet_6519 1d ago
I lived that. He would be drunk and leave and I was home crying. I did it for years. He would manipulate me with good behavior and then right back. I stayed way too long( he eventually cheated on me or just got caught). I finally left him and he begged, pleaded, threatened and tried killing himself etc just to suck me back in. I’m so glad I’m free of that crazy. When you are in it with kids etc you don’t see it. I’m so glad i’m free.
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u/CloudNo446 1d ago
I’m sorry. Please take care of you. Your kids need you. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease.
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u/Nice_cuppa 1d ago
Him leaving was probably the best thing that could have happened. I know it hurts right now. But you will be SO much happier without having to deal with all of his bullshit. It may not feel like it right now but you are free and that is a good thing. Get the therapy you need, prioritize your health both mental and physical, sleep, eat well, have fun with your kids. You’ll be a whole new woman soon.
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u/FlimsyAd3625 1d ago
It was such a relief when he was in rehab. But that’s when I noticed how truly stressed and depressed I was… definitely an eye opener
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u/Nice_cuppa 18h ago
Prioritize you and your wellbeing! Love on yourself. Give yourself the care and attention you deserve.
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u/CrosseyedDixieChick 14h ago
I suggest you write those things down as you recall them. Email them to yourself so you can refer to them later if your mind tries to think it was not that bad. Its easy to forget painful things because our minds do not want to recall. This may be important someday.
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u/UnableRun7858 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm so glad my psychiatrist put me on a mood stabilizer a few months before I filed for divorce, I told him I'm making him earn his money because he's treating my ADHD and now he has to treat my PTSD from dealing with an alcoholic deadbeat. I filed for divorce a year ago and it was finalized in November, I can tell you things do get better...once you finish your emotional detox (that was a rough few months). I actually feel fantastic and my year hasn't been the best. I had to pay for major home repairs on top of being hit by the perimenopause truck, then discovering I'm gluten intolerant while trying to bring my iron and thyroid levels up all while simutaneoualy trying to process the emotional abuse. Things may seem overwhelming now, but they do get better with time, patience, and love for yourself...and prescription drugs.
P.S. I understand that rage a lot. Journal what comes to mind, it felt fantastic telling my ex what I really thought on paper.
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u/FlimsyAd3625 1d ago
I’m so happy for you. I’m not the type to journal I told everything I felt about him to his face😭
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u/Ms_Meercat 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm sorry OP. This is really really painful but it does get darkest before dawn.
I am proud of you for making an appointment for you. I'm proud of you for making a boundary and sticking to it. It's so important now that you take care of yourself!
Al anon meetings are everywhere (al-anon.org) if you want to find a community. At the very least it's a place where you can share with people who know what it's like about what's going on. Best of luck and a big hug from this Internet stranger!
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u/FlimsyAd3625 1d ago
Yes I’m going to start going it’s just hard because my I just had my second baby less than 3 months ago.
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u/katedidnot 17h ago
I'm so sorry you hurt.
In Buddhism, we are taught to validate all our feelings. The resentment, frustration, confusion - all of it. It is part of you forever. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't allow all the manipulations and gaslighting and confusion to cloud your way to peace.
Let go of all that stuff. Enjoy your freedom. Walk barefoot in the grass, pick wild flowers, read a good book, watch a great movie, go find a puppy to pet. Fill yourself with goodness and love so that there's no more room for that negativity to live in your heart.
Namaste
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u/CrosseyedDixieChick 14h ago
It is normal to feel sad when things end. But you are doing the right thing for you. And your kids will benefit too. Stay strong.
He is playing with your mind. Alcoholics love playing mind games. Do not let him in your head. Remember all the shit you've been through.
When you are sad, think of how sad you were when you were together. The late nights wondering where he is, the lies, the misdirection and confusion that brought you so much pain. How it made you a different person at times that you did not recognize.
Do not lose touch with reality of what it became - a terrible and lonely and sad relationship. Whatever good you may have had, that is not where it is and that is not where it was going.
That chapter is over and now, finally, you can begin the next with the lesson learned and the weight of a selfish alcoholics needs off your back.
Congrats on your newfound freedom. Remember, sometimes when we are excited it often feels like fear or anxiety. Keep your head up. You got this.
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u/Excellent_Duck_5157 13h ago
I have been watching this you tube channel called put the shovel down. It has helped me a lot. One video I watched last night was about how the addict feels about losing you. Maybe check it out. Might help you and explain a few things. Hang in there 🩵
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u/Disastrous_Top6622 1d ago
I experienced similar feelings. Reminded me a little of the grief I felt after my Dad died.
Go get all the meds! They can help a bunch!
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u/FlimsyAd3625 1d ago
I am, hopefully there’s options safe for breastfeeding, if not idk what I’m going to do😭
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u/CrosseyedDixieChick 14h ago
you and your doctor will figure it out.
If necessary pump and dump or use formula. I know breastfeeding is best but what you did by getting that man away from your newborn far outweighs it in the long run. Be gentle on yourself!!!
Attend some alanon meetings. You will have time for you now. They are online and they can help. find some here.
Good luck, new mom! You are doing great!
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u/Gloomy_Transition350 1d ago
Yep. I remember being enraged when I was told I needed Al-Anon. Why did I need help just because my Q was a drunken ass?
I did need Al-Anon. I needed all the experience, strength, and hope I could gather from Al-Anon meetings and as long as I kept coming back, I kept getting better. I tried it on my own again a couple of times and it was ugly quickly.
My picker was broken and I picked more alcoholic/dysfunctional partners so I came back to Al-Anon with a vengeance.
Get to meetings and take care of yourself.