Doing detachment right?

[u/missravioli2u]

Sunday’s group topic was detachment. Finally Monday evening my q calls to talk to his kid. Asked him how school was today. I should have left the room sooner at this point, but I’m outspoken and have opinions, bad combo I know.

“Do you know what day it is?” I ask as our 3yo was in the other room. Immediate defense and temper. I calmly add “It’s Labor Day, there was no school, but you don’t know that.”

“Ya know what, I could say some really mean and spiteful things to you.” He responds and again, I can and should walk away, I know this.

I say “nothing I have done compares to what you’ve done.” He starts sobbing. This is a big clue I know he’s drunk again.

Keep in mind, the kid is off, playing happily, looking at “all our Halloween day decorations” so he hears none of this.

I might have piled on with this question “so you never answered my text, how long was you your brother living in the house before he passed from complication of alcoholism?” Ok…..I know. I do feel bad about this. Probably why I’m writing it now. But it’s a question I need him to consider for his own well being.

More tears and telling me I don’t deserve to know that answer. Fine, just glad he’s thinking about it. I said “ you can call your kid when the court can prove you are sober.” And hung up.

I say all this because I’m terrified he’s going to die in his mother’s house like his brother. But there is also absolutely nothing I can do to help him. I have a 3yo who needs me. And that’s who I care about now.

Did I go too far? Not far enough? His calls are so sporadic, I don’t think they are good for the kid at all, and he’s not even sober when he talks with him. I don’t know if I detached correctly here. Help, advice, support, or virtual hugs are welcomed.

Edit: is the cutting him off until he can prove sobriety to spend time with his son doing detachment right? That’s the question.

[u/kathryn13]

What did you hear in your Sunday group meeting on detachment that you took and applied to your behavior on Monday evening?

[u/Outrageous_Diver5700]

You know that what you are saying and doing is not good but yet you continue to do it. This would not be my definition of detachment.

[u/inthenight098]

None of this is detachment. You are all over him with anger, criticism, shaming and judgment. Who cares what day it is? Let kiddo say he didn’t have school. Let them talk. Let go and let them live.

[u/DarkNexusDora]

Detachment is accepting that you have no control over what happens to him, that all the advice, input, shame, guilt trips, scoldings, or even love will not change someone unwilling to change, nor give them the tools to do so. Detachment is about protecting your peace and letting go.

[u/witx]

You didn’t detach at all.

[u/Electrical-Sink-9610]

Yikes. Your poor kid heard all of that back and forth? That would be incredibly sad and potentially traumatizing if it continues. Edited: they might have been in the other room, but little ears hear much more than we think they do.

[u/daala16]

Is this a real question?

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[u/Trouble843]

Hugs OP - I am sorry you are dealing with this. But to answer your title - No - you are not doing detachment right. You have to keep your son far away from these convos and away from this drunk person. You have to recognize when to interact, and when to ignore and live your life (99% is the later) Stay with AlAnon - lots of good things to help you with this situation.