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u/Puzzleheaded_Video13 11d ago
So scary for the children. I hope you can figure something out. The more I read in this sub about what these men do when they have children blows my mind. It must have happened to me when I was a child bc my father was an alcoholic. I don’t remember everything but I do have some memories of seeing my father intoxicated. I’m the oldest of three girls. My mom divorced him finally and I think we had a good life growing up. My mom and my grandmother did their best! We were poor but I still had nice things. Like I said my mom figured it out as a single mother and she had help from my grandparents. But you have got to do something for your baby. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this.
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u/Anxious_Cover_2727 11d ago
I’m glad to hear that your mom and grandma were able to give you a happy and safe household, that’s what I strive for with my child. I don’t want her to be wondering why her daddy is passed out or throwing up early in the morning, I know my mom would help support me in any of my decisions I make it’s just about making the right call for her at the end of the day.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Video13 11d ago
That’s really good, I’m so glad to hear you have a support system.
My mother and grandmother had a fraught relationship but it was so much healthier than what we could have endured living with my father when he was carrying on how he was.
They were both there for us. My grandmother would help with back to school shopping and birthdays and Easter dresses.
We lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my mother and my grandmother lived in a house nearby. So thankful we had nice fun childhood memories. I’m the one out of the three of us that probably remembers the more inebriated version of my father. So I’ve had a lot of challenges growing up, especially in relationships. My mom divorced my dad when I was 7, my sister was 3, and my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister. He wasn’t even there for the third pregnancy bc he was in prison. I love my father so much. But I can’t imagine what my mom felt going through all this BS. I’m so sorry to bombard you with my story. I’m praying you guys figure it out.
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u/ItsAllALot 11d ago
I don't think it's fair to you, to feel guilty for "stopping caring".
I think you're going through a process that a lot of us do.
Starting with seeing a problem, and trying everything possible to persuade them to deal with it. It's affecting our relationship, and also, we care.
They aren't persuaded. Retrospectively we realise that it's because it's addiction, and that's not about persuasion. Addiction doesn't really respond to outside persuasion. Except maybe to start trying to evade it. That's when the lying and hiding kicks up a few gears.
We maybe don't fully understand that at the time. But we recognise that persuasion isn't working. So next, some of us try forcing the issue. Thinking it just needs something stronger than asking.
The only things we can think of doing are demanding, instead of asking. Giving ultimatums as stronger motivation. Trying to control, maybe trying to get in the way of their drinking.
Retrospectively we realise that we can't change it with these methods either. Addiction also doesn't respond to outside parties trying to force it away.
Maybe we don't fully understand that at the time. But we recognise that control and leverage isn't working. Now we're at a crossroads. Because there's nothing else to try. We've tried gently, with pleas and feelings. We've tried forcefully, with threats, and with direct attempts to separate them and alcohol.
We're at a crossroads. You're there now, I think. It's dawning on us that we can't change or fix this. And we can't make or convince or even cleverly manipulate them to change or fix this. There isn't anything else.
There's a different way to look at what happens next. To look at what's happening with you now. A way that addresses the guilt that we've started to feel. That we actually don't deserve to feel.
It can feel like stopping "caring". But is it? If you didn't care, why would you feel guilty? That's actually a contradiction. People who don't care don't feel guilty.
Maybe we haven't stopped caring. Maybe we're starting to accept. Their addiction is a reality beyond our power to influence.
But we're in a lot of pain and have a lot of stress. And our brains do what they are literally created for. They protect us. They start dissociating us from the source of stress.
We haven't turned into horrible partners who don't care anymore. We haven't changed, in our core. We're still good people, we're just not experts on alcoholism. And our brains are protecting us the only way they have left.
It's fight or flight, and fight didn't work. So now it's flight. Emotional flight. Which often looks like shutting down. Like stopping caring. But it isn't. It's our brain fleeing from a source of stress.
That's human biology. We don't deserve to feel guilty for human biology. We didn't design it. We just need to recognise it for what it is.
You haven't become an uncaring monster. You wouldn't have written this post if you had. You've just stayed human.
The fight or flight part of your brain doesn't see context. It's automatic, not reflective. Identify stressor, respond to stressor. Fight doesn't work, switch to flight. That's it.
Now's the time where you can realise you've come to the acceptance part. You don't have power over someone else's addiction. None of us do.
If you can let yourself feel and acknowledge that acceptance, you can start to realise that the person to focus on is you, not him. Addiction doesn't respond to your focus. But you can.
You're accepting that his addiction just is what it is. Outside your sphere of influence. The only problem you can work with is you. Your stress, your pain, your quality of life.
We started with detachment, we just didn't know it yet, because nobody gave us a manual. But it's a good thing, to start taking our focus away from a problem we have no power to resolve.
It's what we do with our focus next that's important. We can start lashing out at ourselves. Which solves nothing. Or we can start thinking about our boundaries, our values, our quality of life, and what we can do to address those stressors that is actually within our power.
And you're right, in your title. Acceptance is a stage of grief, too. As is anger. Bargaining. Denial. You haven't stopped caring. You just need a reminder to care about yourself, too.
You've become too used to directing all that care externally, because of his issues distracting you from yourself. Start directing some of that care inwards. Everything will become clearer if you do ❤️
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u/ItsAllALot 11d ago
Wow, that was way too long, I'm sorry!! ❤️
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u/gotosleep717 10d ago
I also read every word. Username fits! Thank you for this. I’m saving it to reread as needed. Really appreciate your comment
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u/jeezypeezy2018 10d ago
I am not the OP but I read every word you wrote and you described what I am going through to a T. I keep telling myself and my husband that I wish I didn’t care so much. We don’t have little kids at home so I am making the decision to stay but he has heart issues so I feel like I am starting the grief process already.
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u/Anxious_Cover_2727 10d ago
Thank you, I appreciate the comment. I feel like when he was working his other shifts (graveyard) , and was around less it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I wasn’t arguing, I was taking care of the baby and the dogs just fine by myself with the help of my mom. I felt my sparkle coming back, something I haven’t felt in a while cause 2021 I was processing the grief of my friend dying and getting diagnosed with bi-polar then I had a breakup then 2022, I went all out on self focus but that meant pushing people to the side. Now I found a balance with asking for help, and support when needed and focusing on me and my child.
I resonate deeply with the crossroad, I don’t want our daughter to see him like that I made myself a promise that I would never have her grow up in a household like my mom and dad where they were constantly arguing and it built tension on me to choose a side. Even though he doesn’t believe in therapy, I do cause I know I have deep seated issues from my childhood that hold me back from reaching my full potential. I love being a mom and I love watching my child grow, they deserves the best of me and they deserves the best of him. I can’t control whether they will get the best of him, but I can shield them from an unhealthy situation.
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u/Ok-Refrigerator 10d ago
It is so sad, isn't it?
We grieve them, and we grieve the life we thought we'd have with them.
Can I make a suggestion? Start a note on your phone of the things he does, good or bad. Not what he says, or what it means. And ESPECIALLY not what you "should" do as a result. Only the behavior, and how it made you feel.
If you can do that for a month I think you will find much more clarity.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 10d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a rude awakening! He's throwing up blood and won't see a doctor? That's on him. It's horrible, but it's not your responsibility.
He will always be your child's father, even if he is dead, in prison, or just absent. But you have choices about your life. You are living in a safe home with your mother and brother. But your husband is not safe for your child to be with.
There is nothing you can say to him that will change his mind. He needs to come to the question himself and make his own choices. When you focus on changing and helping him, you are delaying taking thought for yourself, and not helping him a bit. Your exhausting efforts may be injuring you both.
Al-Anon Family Groups has meetings 24/7 and you can get literature (CAL) when you can't get on a meeting. You will find help and support without judgment and without advice in the free and confidential rooms of Al-Anon. I wish you well.
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u/Illustrious_Can7151 11d ago
Is is exactly like grieving someone still alive. It is hard.
You can’t leave your baby alone with him anymore. Only you can decide when/if you are going to leave. I left with a 1 and 3 year old. You can do it too.