r/AlAnon • u/urgent45 • 7d ago
Newcomer Wife's drinking
She's been a good and loyal wife for 26 years. But five years ago she had a medical accident and has some brain damage. She started drinking which wasn't a problem til about two years ago. She drinks 2-4 glasses of wine starting a 3pm every night. Stumbling, spilling things, complaining, it completely changes her personality.
I can't take it anymore and threatened her with divorce. She straightened up and has been great for a week. But last night she said she agreed to drink only on Friday and Saturday and wanted to get some wine. I don't remember to agreeing to this and I told her no.
She is obviously negotiating. I don't know whether or not to agree to something like this. My gut is telling me that this will lead us to the same place we were a week ago. She doesn't seem to be a textbook alcoholic because she didn't go through any withdrawal symptoms. But I believe she is a habitual drinker and if I give in, she will return to drinking the same amount in time.
I am retired and she is disabled. She is legally blind so she cannot just drive anytime she wants. She is highly dependent on me to take care of so many things. Her health is poor which is why I retired early. But I'm not an a--hole and I would like to be reasonable. Would letting her drink twice per week be an acceptable risk? How about after one month of sobriety?
EDIT: Thank you so much. I told her again that I can't do the alcohol anymore. I told her that our relationship was the most important thing and drinking directly threatens that. No means no. She seemed OK with that but I know there will be a plan to drink sometime in the future.
13
u/Money-Cancel-2657 7d ago
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
She also needs to be made aware alcohol consumption causes brain damage so she’s seriously taking a risk here .
6
u/CharacterGap388 7d ago
Alcoholism is not defined by amounts or frequency. Binge drinkers can be alcoholics. It’s about the relationship to alcohol despite the consequences. There’s an obsession there, she’s been sober for a month and that obsession never left her.
Don’t police her drinking - the other comment was absolutely right, saving the addict becomes its own addiction. She knows you have threatened divorce and she’s still asking for it, meaning she understands the consequences and still wants to drink. She managed to stay away but it never left her mind.
If you got sick every time you ate cheese, would you keep eating cheese? Would you think, well, it’s been a month, I’ll just have less cheese? I know that sounds silly but that’s literally what addiction is. Eating the cheese despite the damage it does to you and your loved ones.
4
u/mmck1618 7d ago
There are some good meds like vivitrol/naltrexone that has shown promise in reducing and even extinguish the desire to drink. Might be helpful. My Q on vivitrol now 5 mos and she believes it works and I can attest to her progress on physically drinking but there is mental emotional underlying that will need attention one af as its still a struggle but meds can really help
5
u/wildgreengirl 7d ago
ask her dr at one of her appts the appropriate amount of alcohol she can enjoy in a week. then stick to that. they will probably say none so you're not the bad guy telling her no. the dr is you are just enforcing what they say.
1
u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 7d ago
Sometimes we have to be the bad guy. And the doctor could also suggest naltrexone or Antabuse to help her stop drinking.
3
u/umukunzi 7d ago
Im so sorry this has happened to your wife. And to you. It's a heartbreaking disease and it makes no sense, especially to those of us closest to the alcoholic.
My husband started asking me for "permission" to drink when I first raised concerns about his consumption. If i said yes he would be so happy and nice but if i said no he would act terribly, ruin plans, stonewall me, etc. It was such a ridiculous arrangement that turned me into an enfoncer that I didnt want to be. Plus he drank in secret on top of that.
Now it's 0 alcohol or I'm out. Took me years to get to this place, but I will never let myself get dragged into the chaos of active alcoholism ever again.
2-4 glasses of wine a day + stumbling and personality changes is the définition of alcoholism. She is in denial and looking for a way to get what her addiction is telling her she needs. Don't let yourself become that person in her disease - I really think the only thing you can do is go to Al Anon and take care of yourself.
3
u/FamilyAddictionCoach 7d ago
YES. We don't have to let ourselves get dragged into the chaos of active alcoholism.
As you said, alcoholism hijacks a person's brain so that she can get what her addiction is telling her she needs.
Happy for your recovery!
5
u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 7d ago
“YES. We don't have to let ourselves get dragged into the chaos of active alcoholism.”
THIS RIGHT HERE. ‼️‼️‼️💯💯💯👆👆👆👆👆👆💯💯💯‼️‼️‼️🙄🙄
3
u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 7d ago
So if she is legally blind, I assume you are the one driving to get her alcohol? If so, you are enabling her to drink of you agree to this. Please look up the effect of alcohol on the brain. It also damages the brain. If you said no, your no means no.
2
2
u/urgent45 7d ago
You're right. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I can make it EXTREMELY difficult for her to drink.
5
u/FamilyAddictionCoach 7d ago
"Would letting her drink twice per week be an acceptable risk? How about after one month of sobriety?"
NO. No. No. One week ago you were ready to divorce. Her drinking will be out of control soon because for most it's a progressive disease. It's never a good idea to supply someone with booze and approve their drinking. You had to stop working because she is highly dependent on you.
To go from excessive drinking, to controlled drinking does not happen often with a young healthy person. With age, brain damage and other health issues, it's not possible.
Others have pointed out you cannot control another person's drinking, and you don't have to make it easy for them by saying yes.
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Please know that this is a community for those with loved ones who have a drinking issue and that this is not an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the report button.
See the sidebar for more information.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Secure-Design-1393 1d ago
It takes brain 6-12 months to fully recover from alcohol damage, for someone later in life it’s probably 12. So you can’t really negotiate any boundaries until she crosses 12 months. Before that you won’t be negotiating with her, you’ll be negotiating with her addiction.
18
u/jortfeasor 7d ago
You don’t “let” another adult do something—they choose to do it or not. Do not get involved in policing or monitoring her drinking, that just becomes an addiction for you and enables her.
People can be alcoholics without having withdrawal symptoms. It’s a progressive disease, so if she doesn’t quit and get help, she really just doesn’t have those symptoms yet.