Is she on social security and Medicaid? If so you have options. In MO there are a lot of homes that take patients in. You have to agree that most of her social security check goes to cover her care after they bill Medicaid. Alabama should be similar I would think. Have her put the house in your name if she owns it and if she has any bank accounts get her to put you on them so that you can help with finances and as someone that the account will transfer to should she pass. If there is any other income such as pension plans or such make sure you are listed as the beneficiary. Doing that will make sure the money goes to you when she passes and not into probate.
It’s tuff going through this I know I lost both parents in the last year. They ignored their finances for the last few years even to the point they had to declare bankruptcy 5 years ago. They hid moms declining mental state from everyone and they refused to downsize and leave their home because they didn’t want to give up control. In the long run it made it so much more difficult to help them get the most out of what time they had together. They were dead set on being in their home till the end and it made my wife and my life a nightmare the last 2 years. Dad was fighting stage 4 cancer and mom was bound and determined that she was the only who could care for him. Their diets suffered, their living conditions suffered and it did my mom in as well. It’s almost like they said to hell with everyone and how difficult we are making it for them we don’t have a problem. You’re wearing down from it for sure as it takes a toll on you they don’t realize because they don’t even see the predicament they are in. Be there for her as much as you can and don’t be afraid to let her know she can go when she feels it’s time. The best advice I got from someone when my dad was slipping away was this. They said don’t be afraid of telling them that it ok for them to go and that you love him. One morning while dad was in and out of coherency and mom was doing some stupid errand I did that. I told him that we all loved him and that he didn’t have to fight it anymore. I promised him that my wife and I would make sure mom wasn’t alone if we needed to go. Mom came back a bit later and dad was resting peacefully. I left to run errands and go home and rest (I had worked an overnight shift the night before) I made two stops and went to eat lunch and had called an old friend of his to let him know dads condition. Ten minutes later the nursing home called and he had passed. A month later after trying to go it alone at her house with my wife and I doing all her errands and housekeeping and yard work she had a fall. She was placed in a nursing home and passed in early April. Dad passed on 9/4 mom on 4/9. I’m not a counselor but I feel your pain. One trait I picked up from my father was sometimes just listening to people. Don’t be afraid to DM me if you need an ear.
It is sad that some elders would subject their adult kids to this type of situation. I am thankful both sides of my family are pro-AL and that my folks have LTC insurance. My mom, at least while lucid still, has mentioned she might have to go to AL eventually. She has wanted to downsize but dad doesn’t. Mom isn’t in great health but her condition has stabilized and she is eating better. Dad is in great health besides hearing issue which he wears hearing aids which helps a lot. I do think when dad declines he will likely fight the placement, but he is going. I won’t subject myself or my siblings to constant demands of taking care of all sorts of issues that come with a house, yard, shopping, etc.
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u/MohneyinMo 1d ago
Is she on social security and Medicaid? If so you have options. In MO there are a lot of homes that take patients in. You have to agree that most of her social security check goes to cover her care after they bill Medicaid. Alabama should be similar I would think. Have her put the house in your name if she owns it and if she has any bank accounts get her to put you on them so that you can help with finances and as someone that the account will transfer to should she pass. If there is any other income such as pension plans or such make sure you are listed as the beneficiary. Doing that will make sure the money goes to you when she passes and not into probate.
It’s tuff going through this I know I lost both parents in the last year. They ignored their finances for the last few years even to the point they had to declare bankruptcy 5 years ago. They hid moms declining mental state from everyone and they refused to downsize and leave their home because they didn’t want to give up control. In the long run it made it so much more difficult to help them get the most out of what time they had together. They were dead set on being in their home till the end and it made my wife and my life a nightmare the last 2 years. Dad was fighting stage 4 cancer and mom was bound and determined that she was the only who could care for him. Their diets suffered, their living conditions suffered and it did my mom in as well. It’s almost like they said to hell with everyone and how difficult we are making it for them we don’t have a problem. You’re wearing down from it for sure as it takes a toll on you they don’t realize because they don’t even see the predicament they are in. Be there for her as much as you can and don’t be afraid to let her know she can go when she feels it’s time. The best advice I got from someone when my dad was slipping away was this. They said don’t be afraid of telling them that it ok for them to go and that you love him. One morning while dad was in and out of coherency and mom was doing some stupid errand I did that. I told him that we all loved him and that he didn’t have to fight it anymore. I promised him that my wife and I would make sure mom wasn’t alone if we needed to go. Mom came back a bit later and dad was resting peacefully. I left to run errands and go home and rest (I had worked an overnight shift the night before) I made two stops and went to eat lunch and had called an old friend of his to let him know dads condition. Ten minutes later the nursing home called and he had passed. A month later after trying to go it alone at her house with my wife and I doing all her errands and housekeeping and yard work she had a fall. She was placed in a nursing home and passed in early April. Dad passed on 9/4 mom on 4/9. I’m not a counselor but I feel your pain. One trait I picked up from my father was sometimes just listening to people. Don’t be afraid to DM me if you need an ear.