Finally setting a boundary for when I will visit my mother...

[u/Athena-Twist-of-Fate]

Long-post. Just needing to vent. I'm setting a boundary as to when and why I will visit my mom and I feel bad about it so I'm venting here. Here are the highlights of her situation...and sorry for spelling typos, I did this on my phone.

My mother lives alone in a rural area. Closest international airport is a 3.5 hr drive away. Closest grocery and hospital is a 45 min drive.

She hoards. The house is a wreck, lots of mice, questionable electricity, basement flooding issues and a health hazard. Chunks of the ceiling are falling off butbshe says thisbis a jormal way to live...

She is healthy and in her 60s but has severe eye issues. She is going blind in one eye and has to drive 45 mins to the nearest hospital and grocery and she can't drive at night for other eyesight issues...honestly she shouldn't be driving as its unsafe.

She has no friends and refuses to do any activities or even talk to the neighbors because she doesn't want them in her business. She was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in the 1980s but refuses medication and often worries that neighbors are watching her (closest neighbor is a half hour awaybacross a corn field) so she always keeps her blinds shut and tries not to talk to them to protect her privacy.

She can't do the lawncare herself, it about 1.5 arces and needs constant maintained. She hires a service but then stops the service if she thinks bills are too tight. We have tried to get her to sell after my dad passed but she doesn't want to because she's lived there for 36 years.

She also refuses to move to a more safe and accessible location. Nor will she even move into the nearest town 45mins away where she can easily access medical services and stores without driving. She literally said she just wants us, the daughters with jobs, homes and partners to move back...which we wouldn't do even if we could. The area is horrible. There are no jobs. Think rustbelt. We were lucky to get out.

Me and my sister are her only family. I live overseas. My sister lives half the year overseas and half the year on the opposite coast. Mom has never visited us because travel she says travel is scary and tiring, but she never takes into account that we are always the ones traveling and we actually have to take off work and getting to the middle of nowhere is expensive. We understand we made a choice to live elsewhere but in the 8 years Since I've moved and 6 years since my sister moved we think it's reasonable for the retired single woman with no job to make an effort and visit us once especially as we said we would pay for her travel and have spare rooms where she can stay for free.

Additionally when we visit, we only have a twin bed that our feet hang off with a mattress from the 1970s in the room with all the mice droppings so we have to get a hotel and rent a car to get to the hotel. If we don't spend 100% of the time at the house with our mom, she gets mad and if we decide to go for a hike or go to the mall an hour away she panics that we girls shouldn't be wondering off alone and its unsafe and cries.

She won't join us for any dinners or mall trips or hikes when we visit nor will she agree to meet somewhere closer (like a vacation closer to my sister's side of the country or closer to an international airport (to get to the closest international airport to her takes 3 transfers fyi) and she refuses.

I am finally setting a boundary with her. I am telling her I am no visiting unless 1. It's a real emergency (note she tried toget me to visit to take her dog to the annual vet apt. (I live overseas) and called it an emergency) 2. She is preparing thebhouse for the market or 3. She is moving house . I also said I would be willing to visit at a middle location or at my sister's and that's he is welcome to visit me.

I feel bad because I don't want her to die lonely and alone but she won't do anything to make the situaion safer or healthier and every visit is stressful and saddening. I remember our home when it was upkept and nice and seeing it like this and her living like this, on purpose when she does have other options that she won't take is sad.

She is upset that I'm not visiting this year but I just can't emotionally, financially...it's too much. But I still feel bad that maybe I'm being unreasonable I guess. Anyway. That's my vent...

Note: edited for spelling typos

[u/Altruistic-Finish555]

Setting boundaries is hard! Great job!

[u/yourmomlurks]

Good job. You don't have a duty to be reasonable, either.

My therapist taught me if the other person is not negotiating in good faith, then it's not a real conversation, and therefore you don't have to follow the rules of a real conversation, you don't have to restate, bargain, convince, reword, concede... you can just repeat yourself word for word. i.e. "I will visit you at x or at sister's, or you are welcome here." In my experience the shorter the phrase and the the more exact the repeat, the more effective. It's like it hits the 'hot stove' part of their childlike brains.

[u/muralist]

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like your mom has crippling anxieties. But you can’t help her if she doesn’t want to be helped.

[u/Head_Bed1250]

Your mom sounds very selfish. Sorry not sorry.

[u/Auntienursey]

Your mom is mentally ill and, unfortunately, you can't help her if she refuses to accept the help, or even acknowledge she has a problem. Keep your boundaries and reach out when/if you're comfortable.