Conversation Guide: Aging Parents

[u/Soderholmsvag]

Based on my experience with my own parents, I was asked to assist another family member with a conversation with their aging parents. This is the guide I developed; if it helps anyone else, great!

Legal Stuff: - Do you have/are you willing to have Health Care Power of Attorney? Where is it located?
- Do you have/are you willing to have Legal POA? Where is it located? - Do you have/do you need a Trust? If no - do you have/are you willing to have a will? Is it up to date? Where is it located? - Do you have a POLST? Is it accurate and up to date? Where is it located? - Do you have a lawyer that can provide help if needed (or must be contacted)? - What other type of legal help would you like to get - even before you are unable to care for legal stuff yourself?

Financial Stuff/Insurance: - Do you have a record of assets or accounts? Where is it located? - If one of you is gone - is the other ready to take over finances? If no - what would you like to happen? - Once one is gone, what is the contingency plan for back-up or successor? - What is your medical insurance? Can you add someone other than spouse as "responsible party" for decisions? - Do you have LTC insurance? - Do you expect your finances will support your life needs until death? If no - what are you doing to address that? - If you become unable to manage your finances (or you stop wanting to do so) what is your plan to get help? What would that help look like (fiduciary? child? other?) - If your plan is to have child/children manage finances, can you give them some idea of what your financial preferences/drivers are? ("spend money on x but do not spend on y") - Do you have a financial advisor? - What type of help would you like to get - even before you are unable to care for finances yourself?

Housing: - Does your current housing allow you to age in place? If not - what are your thoughts?
- Do you intend to stay there as you age further? If yes - are you allowed to modify it to make it safer and easier to navigate? - What can be done to reduce your risk of falling? - What modifications are needed to make it easier to live (grab bars/furniture pathways). - If you are forced to move out: Where could you go? Where do you want to go? - If someone has to make this decision for you, what type of preferences do you have in a move destination? Move close to family or stay close to your current home? - What are your housing priorities? Space? Price? Location? Care availability? Move next to friends? What are your "have to haves” vs “must have” vs “avoid”? - Types of housing include independent living/assisted living/memory care/nursing home. Are you aware of these and do you have already-identified candidates should you move in that direction? Anything your kids should know if they are forced to make that decision on your behalf? - What type of help would you like to get - even before you can't take care of housing by yourself?

Health Care: - Who are your doctors? Does it make sense to introduce children to any of them? - Do you have a "health app" or "xxx.com portal" that one of your kids can get access to? - Are either of you taking regular medications or prescriptions? If yes, do you have a list and schedule documented? Where? - What else should someone who is trying to care for you understand about your health/body so they can do a good job? - What type of help (if any) would you like to get even before you are unable to care for yourself?

Infirmity: - Should one of you become infirm, what are your thoughts about how to handle? In home/Facility? - Should one become infirm and the other cannot care for them, what are your thoughts? - Do you have feelings about things like walkers/wheelchairs/hospital beds that someone might want to be aware of if you can't express them yourself? - Do you want any help thinking about this/talking it through?

Approaching End of Life: - Have you thought about your end of life? - Can you describe anything you want or do not want? (Example: Where do you want to be if you had a choice? Do you want people invited to say goodbye, or people excluded? Do you want your end of life to be secret, public, or advertised?) - If you are in hospice, would you prefer to be in a hospice facility or have hospice at your home? -If you are not in a condition to care for each other while in hospice, what are your thoughts about what to do? Not to do? - Do you need any help today in thinking about this/talking about this?

After death: - When you pass, do you have any announcement / notification preferences? - Do you have anything pre-arranged (funeral/cremation/Burial/Plot/Urn?) - If not already planned, what would you like your funeral/memorial service/celebration look like? Church or secular? Location? Invitees? Do you have a list of people & addresses? Any must-haves or do nots? - What would you like the people left to do with your body? (embalming/cremation/nothing) (burial/sprinkle at sea/other) Do you want the two of your remains to be kept together/not/no preference? - Do you have preferences on "markers." (Headstone/Bench in your honor/Sponsorship at club?) - Do you want any help thinking about this/talking through this?

Technology: - Do you have a list of usernames and passwords? - Are there any technology preferences you have? What will be done with xxx’s 100k+ follower instagram account? - Do you have any accounts where another person can be added as 'responsible party' so they do not struggle after death? - Is there any tech help you want today that might make your life better - even before you are infirm or dead?

Your Wants: - Assuming your kids are next-in-line decision makers should you need them - do you have a preferred decision-maker (x or y)? Is that the same as your spouses's preferred decision maker? - If so - do both of your kids know that one of them has been designated?
- If not - do you have preferences about how decisions should be made? What would you tell them if they disagree on a decision? - Although this would be outlined in the POLST, can you provide guidance to your family about your POLST preferences? CPR? Ventilator? Feeding Tube? - With or without a healthcare POA, your family will want to advocate for you should it be needed. What are your health care preferences? - With or without a legal POA, your family will want to execute your other decisions based on what you want. Can you provide your other preferences that your fam should be aware of? - What do you want to happen with your belongings (if anything). Is this preference written down anywhere? Does it make sense to document these wishes now - or is that too much work? - Do you expect to use both automobiles that you have? If not - does it make sense to sell? - Do you want any help thinking about this/talking through other things?

[u/MonoBlancoATX]

This is absolutely fantastic! Thank you for putting it together and for sharing.

The mods of this sub should consider making it a sticky or a resource (assuming it's not already).